Whew!

"she would have done what she thought was right no matter where i was and us not being friends wasn't my idea."

oh but it was. it was my fault, but your idea. whatever. your over it, i'll pretend like i am too and we shall both move on. i'm hurt and i'm missing you and i dont want to get all catty, but i feel like i could be. whatever. walk away drea.

so im not fired which is a relief. i am rather upset though i did get a verbal warning. (a written verbal warning dont you love that) because they couldnt prove that i did have anything to do with it, and i cant prove that i didn't.

i dont steal. its just not the way i was brought up... i might occasionally borrow something for extended periods of time (i.e. forever) but its never intentional if ya want it back just ask its not mine I'll give it back. i work for what i have and i dont see the point in taking what i dont. i have been poor my entire life why would i want to change now, when i've finally gotten used to it?

my warning says something along the lines of i was responsible because i should have been more careful in the handeling of the cash. the shit of it is all i was involved in was counting it and sealing the envelope. but that was enough to garner punishment. whatever. i still have my job and i think that my boss believes that i didnt do it. the problem is i believe both T and M when they say they didnt. huh... go figure.

Should have stayed in bed

“Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away, now it seems as though they’re here to stay…” The Beatles (John Lennon?) and Boys II Men

Yesterday was supposed to be a wonderful day. I was to stay in my pj’s all day and work on paintings and sketches and whatever whimsy I felt like. Life never pans out the way we wish. I was having a good day yesterday I woke up early cause I had a nightmare ( it was really freaky! I dreamt that someone kept breaking into my house and stealing my favorite things, then killing one person I loved each night and finally the person went after me and it turned out to be Supes. He was choking me to death and then stopped for some reason, I convinced him I needed to go to the bathroom waited for him to fall asleep and ran to tell my parents what was going on. He burst into the room and said “I guess you don’t want to be beautiful anymore” started coming towards us and I woke up.)

So I woke up freaked out and decided to watch a movie since no one else would be awake at the godforsaken hour of 6:00. I watched a couple of chick flicks that no one ever wants to watch with me (not that I ever really want to watch them with anyone, last time I did I started crying and Supes started freaking out thinking there was something wrong with me, when really it was just a sad movie and I felt like crying… alot) and called a couple people who didn’t answer. I started playing with my new pen and ink set (its crazy fabulous! I have silver, gold, white, and a couple different black inks and all these great quill tips that make fantastic anime and realistic type drawings, and make me feel like I should start inking my own comic book)

around 11:00 I get a call from T. at the office who was wondering who was supposed to cover her lunch shift cause she needs to leave a little early, it wasn’t me but I was kinda bored with drawing and movies and the IMF by now (the IMF is the international music feed, its like MTV back when they used to show music videos, but global… its awesome.) so I got dressed real quick and went to work. Well M, who was supposed to cover T showed up. But my boss said we could both stay if we got such and such done if we wanted the hours. I’ve only worked like 8 hrs this week so I was like sure whatever. Well theres where the problem arose.

Everyone left its just M and I at the desk and some woman comes in and pays for her sons Preschool… in cash. We don’t normally process cash so M had to call T to ask her how to do it. So I'm calling people at this time to get overdue payments, and not really paying attention. M gets the payment writes the woman a receipt, puts the money in an envelope, hands the envelope to me I count the cash, verify the amount, she signs it and puts it with the other envelope that’s there. I finish working and leave at three o’clock when V and my boss get there, because although T’s not back yet… theres really nothing left for me to do, and I'm only working to escape boredom. I'm in a hurry to leave because Katwoman called and I wanted to call her back, before I wasn’t able to get a hold of her for six months.

I'm happily at home watching Bewitched and eating Danish butter cookies when I get a call from M… “hey did you see where that envelope went.” Ya, you put it behind the phone with the other one… “well the otherone is there but this one is not” what?! check behind the desk did it fall? I tell her to check everywhere because I know that the envelope was there when I left. (or at least I have no reason to think otherwise because I only saw it the one time and neither she nor I left the desk at any time.) she hangs up fifteen minutes later she calls back “The Boss lady wants to have a meeting with us at 12:30 tomorrow” so now here I am shitting bricks… I didn’t do any thing but I just know I'm gonna wind up taking the fall for this shit. I had another nightmare last night. I was in jail and they were interrogating me and they made me strip in front of all these people…

there’s 39 minutes till the meeting and I have a knot in my stomach the size of Texas. I really don’t wanna get fired for something I didn’t do… I’ve never been fired and I would like to think if I was I would have at least done something that deserved it. C’est la vie… I will know my fate in a few mins. I was talking to Katwoman cause all this was going on and I locked my keys in again cause I was so distracted (that’s 6 times in 3 mos. for those of you keeping track.) and was about to fall to pieces. She said just think about Lemony Snickett’s A Series Of Unfortunate Events… at least its not that bad…. But I was thinking you know what… its headed there.

Oooh Sparklies

so santa was real nice this year... i got four little boxes (my fav.) a great hand bag from my Nina, which really is fabulous, but i dont carry a $3 walmart purse for fear of losing it why would i carry a Chanel bag? and a bunch of other really great stuff... but speaking of losing things. i have decided that i singlehandedly keep the damn MVD in business, i lose my drivers licence at least once a year.... at least my photo is always updated... but i tend to look naked in them cause im wearing off the shoulder or, tank tops or whatever in them... maybe thats why i've only had one ticket... hmmm. and the lock smith, i keep money in his pocket too. my dad told me the other day that he has only locked his keys in the car once out of 31 years of driving... i have locked them in 5 times in the last three months, about 10 for the year and three of those times the damned car was running. people keep telling me im intelligent, all those stupid IQ tests and ACTs, and such say so, but after looking at statistics like this i cant say i agree.

gotta run try to finish posting later ;)

The Chestnuts are roasting and the house is on fire!

i am almost done with my xmas shopping. i woke up early and braved the mall. i didnt think i would come out alive.

this week i have made:

12 loaves Pumpkin bread
12 loaves Bannana nut bread
12 loaves Applesauce bread
6 loaves Cranberry bread
12 doz. Pumpkin cookies
24 doz. Peanut butter cookies
24 doz. Oatmeal rasin cookies
12 doz. Wedding cookies
12 doz. Mocha balls
48 doz. Drea's Infamous Chocolate Chip cookies

i still have to make:
snickerdoodles (i hate these things but they are lissa's fav. the brat!)
zebra crinkles
peanut butter bars
popcorn balls
biscochitos
pastelitos (plum and pumpkin)
empanadas (fruit and meat)
posole
and like a million tamales (mmm... tamales)

i hate christmas. it makes me feel like scrooge (BAH Humbug!!!) ok so i dont hate christmas. its just that i have been baking my little but off (and eating it back on) all week. i have wrapped three billion presents, and its all for one day... my only consolation is that my family loves to party and finds any little reason to do it (oh baby anthony's favorite color is red... lets throw a party!... oh Joseph and the kids are in town... lets have a party! oh Dominic broke up with his girlfriend... pobresito, lets throw him a party! oh he got a new girl friend? lets have another party!)

speaking of my family i have decided that they need to discuss the naming of the children with each other first.

in my family there are: (mind you this is just what i consider immediate family. aunts and uncles and first cousins)
five Josephs
three Anthonys
one Andrea and one Andra (both named after Andrew)
two Paulines
(everyones middle name is Marie except me i dont know how i escaped that curse me and Andra... i guess it doesnt go well with Andrea/ Andra)
two Benny's (but we call Dominic by his middle name)
two Max's (well one Max and one Maximiliano... same diff, and a Leo Max)
three Leos
two Roberts (and a Leo Robert)
two michaels (and one michelle)
two felix's
then theres the weirdos of the family patricia, delora, melissa, stephanie, yvette, yvonne, john, dawn, destiny, deserae, geri, rudy, cody, christine, linda, marcos, elizabeth, anna, hannah, nicholas, denver, georgana, gabriella, ... my point is the list is shorter on this side
my family is seriously lacking in the creativity department

i have to go but i leave you all with logic you cant argue with(you can argue the grammar but its hard to argue the logic)

"Miss Andrea, if im not supposed to poke my nose why come god made my finger to fit in there so perfect?"-CRA age 7

What is this white S*** on my car?

"IF I can stop one heart from breaking,/I shall not live in vain;/If I can ease one life the aching,/Or cool one pain,/Or help one fainting robin/ Unto his nest again,/I shall not live in vain."-Emily Dickinson

"Tell all the Truth but tell it slant---/Success in Circuit lies /Too bright for our infirm Delight /The Truth's superb surprise /As Lightning to the Children eased /With explanation kind /The Truth must dazzle gradually /Or every man be blind---" Emily Dickinson

so hey hi its been a while since i've posted ("its been a while since i've seen the way the candles light your face, its been a while but i can still remember just the way you taste... and everything i can remember as fucked up as it all may seem to be....") sorry i think of that song everytime i say "its been a while" ah Stained... such a good band. i need to go to a concert i havent been to a really good rock concert in.... well in like six years :(... ive been to concerts since then, even been to rock concerts... just not any really good ones... not since edgefest 5. ok so looking back.. it hasnt really been a while just seems like it i guess...

news in my life:
my sis is coming down for x-mas (yay!)
i still havent gotten ahold of her (Boo!)
my phone is going on tomorrow (yay!)
it snowed a couple of days ago (yay!)
it was melted by 9:am (boo!)
my boss put in for me to get a promotion behind my back (um... y.. i dunno)
im taking classes next semester (yay!)
i got a raise(yay!)
i am nowhere near done with christmas gifts (uh oh)

i finally got my butt down to the social security office to change my name, i didnt hyphenate, which is good because my name is already too damn long to begin with... but not cause i really like Jaramillo better than Aranda, only cause its soo close to my first name. (and they butcher it more than Jaramillo, i didnt think that was possible but it is) shit i was supposed to leave for work 10 mins ago... finish later .

Missing:

One Sister, Age 25, height 5'8ish, weight 1-something, black hair, Brown eyes... looks like younger sister only not as cute... if found please have her call her adorable younger (female) sibling who misses her very much.

get the hint Liss? give me a call you like dropped off the face of the planet.

quote for the day

"And you ask me what I want this year/And I try to make this kind and clear/Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days/Cuz I don't need boxes wrapped in strings/And desire and love and empty things/Just a chance that maybe we'll find better days/So take these words/And sing out loud/Cuz everyone is forgiven now/Cuz tonight's the night the world begins again" -Goo Goo Dolls (my all time favorite song from them this week )

so i have been knitting and crocheting and sculpting and painting and drawing my little butt off to get my christmas gifts done, and im pooped. not even halfway through and i am beyond pooped. i am in a mood to write but everything thats coming out is utter crap... probably because my creativity is being spent in other places, i dont think i will have three decent words strung together till next May the way im going. :(

i got in a tiff with my boss this morning over my hours, she threatened not to pay me the overtime till january... i was extremely happy to be semi fluent in spanish so i could talk to her boss ( he speaks english but its so hard to understand him its not even worth it, besides hes from argentina and speaks beautiful spanish.) you cannot stiff someone 20 hrs of overtime just cause you dont feel like hiring someone else to do the work.

:(

"he sees you when your sleeping, he knows when youre awake. he knows if youve been bad or good so be good for goodness sake." -- The creepy stalker song.

The dredd pirate roberts is dead.

i think it got too cold for him and he died. i dont think im supposed to have pets anymore first yoda now him. i feel silly mourning a fish but, i am. i wanted a snake for christmas but now im reconsidering it i cant keep anything alive, not even a plant that needs minimum care. maybe some other time.

i am in a funk this week for no real reason, just a lot of little ones. my phone will be out for another week for those of you who are trying to call me, you can still get through but if i miss it... im sorry cant return the call.

oh shit! i just realized its only 16 days till christmas and i havent begun to make gifts, or shop, or even think about doing either one of these things.... can i make christmas just not exist this year? is that a possiblility? it doesnt feel the way it did in my childhood anyway, the exictement the kicking off of the season with baking and watching Rudolf and Jack Frost.... super cheestastic movies, but classics that i would watch with my mom to know its time to get ready for the season... i have been doing christmas crap with the kids all week and it still doesnt even feel like december. go figure. i have to run back to work now. so now that i have spread the christmas funk, ho ho ho go fu.... probably shouldnt say that... go fudge cookies.

:)

"did all these clouds around you break your fall/ as you came crashing to the ground/ did you learn anything at all/ you climb back up just to come back down"-Lifehouse

so my week has been crazy i have had one person quit on me cause i told them they had to come to work had to fire another because she didnt come to work (didnt call, nothing) i dont like firing people im a nice person waayyy deep down.

one of my workers cant work because shes having heath issues and it is just justine and I holding down the fort. i doing the best with what i got but argh! i need help and there is none to be given.

my phone is disconnected again but thats because i had to make the choice between phone or food this week, not because i forgot it again. it will have to wait till friday along with everything else, and i will have to figure out a way to deal without it for three days. :(

i feel like everything is falling down around my ears and i have given up trying to catch it. my week has been fabulously horrid but i am going to keep smiling because there is nothing else i can do, right?

katwoman and sharada should be coming into town soon i havent spoken to sharada in about a year... kat and me are like peas and carrots very different but we fit together fine no matter how long we've been apart, me and sharada are not the same... everytime she comes to town i find myself faced with a new person and it is always uncomfortable at best, we get along fine by the time she leaves but the inbetween is horrid. i get along better with cheryl which is weird because cheryl and i couldnt get along to save our lives back in high school. who knows i think i am going to skip out on christmas tradition anyway... make it easier for lindsey so she doesnt have to feel weird with me there.

i want to wish them both the best of the holiday seasons but im sure it will feel fake and cold and distant, though thats not how i feel at all.

Just Keep Swimming

Friday December 2nd 2005
“I can’t stand to fly I'm not that naive, men weren’t meant to ride with clouds between their knees… I am only a man in a funny red sheet, even heroes have the right to bleed, and it’s not easy to be me.” – Superman (I don’t know the name of the band, katwoman would know but I don’t)

So my rant today is about women having to be multifaceted creatures. Supes got in a car wreck yesterday, and today he was declared a liability and let go from his job. He has never been any good with money so he has none saved for a crisis like this I blew all I had on vacation so we are in deep kimchi. I am dying inside I am freaking out and wondering how the hell we are going to deal with this and get through Christmas… but I am not allowing it to show outside. I have become superwoman on the outside all powerful capable of anything. I have held my three hundred pound side kick like a baby when he needed it after times as shitty as these, and today I have reassured him that everything is going to be ok… I need him to do the same for me once it all is ok and I allow myself to show emotion. How can we do that? Put on a mask as long as we need it… women are strong as stone and delicate as flowers, we are leather and lace, we are so many contradictory things… why? Is it all women or is it just me and my family. i find the need to be so many different things on so many different occasions. I am glad I am not going to be a mother any time soon, I don’t think I am ready to take on more roles, Gestapo, nurse, security blanket, vending machine, carry all…. All those things that mothers become. Ugh not any time soon!

***

Ok so I can stop freaking out he found another job before I could even get out of work… he doesn’t start till the 19th which means he wont get paid till after Christmas but we’ll be fine somehow, every thing works out ok in the end, (I'm hoping for spectacular but I can deal with ok) so back to my rant from earlier today… multifaceted women. Ha! perfect example I was a mess earlier today and now I am cool calm collected… I had this whole essay about what I was thinking of and in the course of my day, dealing with life or death he stole my pencil kind of crises and the stress of everything going on in the real world I have forgotten what I was going to talk about… all I remember is this women do not make good men and should not dress up as such, men can pull it off for some freaky reason but women cannot cross dress… I don’t get why they do anyway, if you are going to be a lesbian be a lesbian and sleep with women by all means, they are beautiful creatures, (which is why I assume is why men like to dress like them) but why choose an alternative life style and then date someone who looks like a man (or woman for the men) anyway? I actually understand the men dressing as women more than vice versa just because it is a whole lot of fun to get all gussied up, make-up, hair, nails, the clothes, the heels…. But dressing like a man, not so much its like your hiding your beauty… I don’t get it. I'm sure I will just piss some one off with this statement, eh I'm getting used to it, but I just don’t understand. The other thing is why do women wear ugly four inch heels? If you are going to commit to the four inches they could be pretty. I am a freak about shoes… some people come home from work and put on tennies I come home and put on heels. I wear tennies all day because all day long I am playing soccer or hackey sac or chasing kids or playing football or doing yoga or…. You get the idea… besides they’re little people I don’t need to give them a height complex. So I come home and I put on my pretty clothes and my pretty heels because I love being a girl. (and because everyone I know is at least 6” taller than me :( ) anyway back to what I was saying before… (I'm not all over the place can you tell?) everyday this woman comes in wearing four inch pumps… old granny pumps, the ones that are usually an inch tops… I don’t know where she got these shoes but I need to find the place so I can burn it down. The woman is dressed impeccably but the shoes, dear god the shoes are killing me. She has plenty of cute flats and I’ve even seen some stilettos that are both professional and sexy despite being a slightly lower heel. But these pumps… they have a square toe are plain black leather and have a huge heel… I don’t get it…. I know she can walk in stilettos, so I know that she can walk in something just a little thinner than what she has on everyday. The shoes make her legs look great but kill everything else, then again the woman still has a 1980’s hair-do so maybe she thinks they are fashionable… not that I am one to talk about hair, my own is usually either a frizzy mess or in a bun with chopsticks… 0k so I have ventured far, far from what I was originally gonna say and have ranted for way too long about trivial things so I will end here (though I would much rather be concerned with trivialities right now.)

Good News???

I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance.... Oh wait I already have Geico. Damn.

"just leave me alone/I'm just another woman lost/you are like fish in the water/who don't know that they are wet/as far as i can tell/the world isn't perfect yet" Ani D'Franco

so yeah... My boss just told me that i might be moving up the corporate ladder and get a not so insignificant raise, and health benefits.... But she said i would be working more hours and have more responsibilities... The more responsibilities part is fine and all that makes sense with the more money but more hours... Damn who do they think i am superhuman? I'm working 45+/week as it is :( i need another vacation... But the mess i came back to on Monday made me think i will never go out of town again.

i don't think i should be promoted... I'm supposed to be working right now and I'm blogging and talking on the instant messenger. i don't see how they say i am productive, but i suppose i would be if i were actually working. I'm just not professional enough to have a position of higher power and i don't think that i should accept. (i don't think i should even be considered but hey, whatever its the YMCA they're crazy) so what to do i have to give my answer by Monday

the money would be nice, the hours are no surprise, benefits are nice, but i need to decide if it is the best thing for the kids, and for myself.... Mostly for the kids cause its all pretty much a benefit to me. hmmmm....

Hungover and Married.

"I was thinking that I might fly today,/ Just to disprove all the things that you say./ It doesn't take a talent to be mean./ Your words can crush things that are unseen./ So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive/ And I'd like to stay that way./ You always tell me that it's impossible/ To be respected, and be a girl./ Why's it gotta be so complicated?" Jewel

Ok so they lost half the bet... I didnt come back hungover... i didnt even get hungover, i only got sick one day and it was food poisoning. (not the wine with dinner or the baileys and mojito and lemonade and mudslide(s) that i had the night before)

on a side note any one who knows supes would be amazed (and probably wont believe me) when i say that he drank too... he even almost kept up with me (not bad for a rookie) and smoked a cigar (which he put out after the first puff... point is this is the BOY SCOUT and he DRANK and lit a cigar.)

we had a nice trip up and i had a blast all week, besides my sister being rather bitchy... but she thought my mother was going to kill her, and shes having some romanitic issues... so shes allowed i forgive ya my lissa. :-*

stupid cops.

so, ok cops are not stupid...

my wish for today is that all APD would get the same type of cop car... they cant make it easy on us speedeers, they cant all drive crown vic's or all drive lincolns.. nooo we have to have the ones in cameros, the ones in impalas, the ones in corvettes, so you cant really tell when your doing 90 on the freeway if its just a white car or if its a cop. well now two more problems have happened in that field... cops are now driving chargers (i want a charger). i saw one today and it was like orgasmic, chargers are hot, cop cars are hot cause you knwo they supe them up... but it was a thing of beauty (sigh, one can dream)... the bad part is i was speeding past a blue impala and it too turned out to be a cop, i couldn't even tell 'till it turned on its lights. sneaky lil' buggers.

UGH!

had an exceptionally long and funny post that the computer ate when i tried to spell check :(

now im just in a bad mood and dont wanna re-post it

i'm scared i looked at my checking account and im in the negative $536 (ouch) i get paid tomorrow but i leave on sunday... the room is paid for and non-refundable and i think im gonna cry.

everything will be ok because it has to be. I'll just be a mooch as much as i hate to, because i need a vacation damnit

just looked at the checking account again, it was wrong... i'll be ok just having a heart attack a little. and i can just let supes and my sister take care of me.

ok happy thoughts... this is kinda hard
everything is ok in the end... if its not ok its not the end.
Harry Potter tomorrow (not as hard as i thought)
class over on saturday (thank god!)
Leaving on sunday
happy b-day monday ( I'm gonna need a new Drivers Licence)
renzo's b- day on tuesd.... shit i forgot to get him a gift.
turkey on thursday?... ok fuck the happy thoughts list im just gonna be mad for a while. i would rather have steak than turkey, i dont like sweet potatoes, melissa is not as good of a cook as my grandma (at least i dont have to deal with left overs this year)

this too shall pass.

feeling kinda quoty today

"I tried to help you once/ Against my own advice/ I saw you going down/ But you never realized/ That you're drowning in the water/ So I offered you my hand/ Compassions in my nature/ Tonight is our last stand/... I can't help you fix yourself/ But at least I can say I tried/ I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life / I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut/ My weakness is that I care too much/ My scars remind me that the past is real/ I tear my heart open just to feel." -Papa Roach (Scars)

" So their eyes are growing hazy 'cos they wanna turn it on,/ so their minds are soft and lazy./ Well, hey, give 'em what they want./ If lust and hate is the candy,/ if blood and love tastes so sweet,/ then we give 'em what they want." -10,000 Maniacs (Candy Everybody Wants)

" Adia I'm empty since you left me/trying to find a way to carry on/I search myself and /everyone to see where we went wrong/ 'cause there's no one left to finger/there's no one here to blame/there's no one left to talk to honey/and there ain't no one to buy our innocence/ 'cause we are born innocent/believe me Adia, we are still innocent/ it's easy, we all falter/does it matter?" -Sarah McLachlan (Adia)

" I was Cryin' when I met you/Now I'm tryin' to forget you/Your love is sweet misery/I was Cryin' just to get you/Now I'm tryin' 'cause I let you/Do what you do down on me/Now there's not even breathing room/Between pleasure and pain/Yeah you cry when we're makin' love/Must be one and the same/" Aerosmith (Cryin')

" I think of you every morning/ Dream of you every night/ Darling, I'm never lonely/ Whenever you are in sight/ I love you for sentimental reasons/ I hope you do believe me/ I've given you my heart" Nat King Cole (Sentimental Reasons)

" I'm gonna love you,/ Like nobody's loved you/ Come rain or come shine/ High as a mountain, deep as a river/ Come rain or come shine/ I guess when you met me/ It was just one of those things/ But don't you ever bet me/ 'Cause I'm gonna be true if you let me/ You're gonna love me,/ Like nobody's loved me/Come rain or come shine/ We'll be happy together, unhappy together/Now won't that be just fine/ The days may be cloudy or sunny/ We're in or out of the money/ But I'm with you always/ I'm with you rain or shine" - Billie Holiday, Frank Sinatra, (and a host of others)

Exceptionally Happy Mood Today...

...Haven't the faintest clue why... But I would like to keep it that way.

"You may say I'm a dreamer,/but I'm not the only one,/I hope some day you'll join us,/And the world will live as one." -John Lennon

So someone told me to shut up and get on with my life after that post yesterday. I wasn't posting what I posted because I was feeling that way, I posted it because whenever I feel particularly depressed, I look back at that time in my life and it gives me hope. Yes maybe I was fucked up, and lord knows I'm still crazy, but I'm not that same person. I look back on that time not to dwell on the past but to remind myself that I have gotten through that. "If the Lord leads you to it, He'll lead you through it." and he has. I can honestly say I think I am a much better person now than I was six years ago. I am in much better space, if I wasn't I wouldn't have been able to write what I did to put it on display for everyone to read.

The other reason I put my past on display is because I realize that there are very few people who know me, who really know me. As an example: The person who commented mistook everything I was saying, which is fine I can see where he saw what he did, but it was still a mistake. There is one thing that he was right about though, when I need help, when I'm feeling low I don't ask for help, but I don't beat around the bush either... I am the sort of person who just soldiers through it alone because I have to prove to myself I can. We cannot deny our pasts, just as we cannot deny our heritage, our friends, our family, or our culture... It is these things that make us who we are, I would not be the drea everyone knows if I was perfect... I have had to fuck up and fix myself a lot of times to get to where I am today... It may not be ideal, I may not have the life I want or the means I need right now, but I am on my way to it, and it is exactly because I have fucked up royally in the past and picked myself up off the ground that I know that I will get there.

Harry Potter in two days... My class is over in three...I leave in four... My birthday in five... Supes' in six... And I'll be with my sis for thanksgiving... No wonder I'm happy.

S*** I've Been Hiding From For Too Long

I have been hiding from my past for too long and I know that the people I care about, those that I am hiding this from read this, which only makes me want to turn tail and run the other way, but if i dont stand up now, if I fail to have conviction what good am I?. Well... here goes nothing.

I come from a family with an emotionally abusive father. (ha like you guys didnt know that already) but what you dont know is that living in that household made me feel worthless. i was suicidal from the time i was 13 to the time i was 16... the only reason i didnt kill myself is because i was afraid of the reprocussions it would have on my family (hell of a reason to live but it worked) i never told any one this... i told them i was depressed i even told a couple of you about my cutting addiction, but yeah i wanted to be dead, tried it once, got really sick... passed it off as the flu. i never even told my therapist. yes i did have a therapist for about nine months i would talk about fluff, shit that doesnt matter so he would think i was ok, tell my mom im ok and let me go. it worked, i have a clean mental bill of health. all this time i was a cutter. i used to cut my palms, my feet, any thing i could keep hidden, i was good at it methodical, clean i only have three scars. i did this because feeling pain was better than the numbness i felt. i did drugs for a high that never seemed to last long enough... i tried almost everything except heroin, heroin scares the shit out of me, i have seen it tear through the lives of too many people i care about. i was a cutter for years, i finaly stopped after i had been dating Lorenzo for a while, about the same time i quit the drugs the drinking the smoking and all that other shit. i quit because he asked me a simple question, he asked me "Why?" and i couldnt answer him. i couldn't answer him, not because i didnt know the answer, but because i couldnt face what was in his eyes. I hated myself... i still do sometimes, i do things that i think are stupid and that the logical part of me knows should be no big deal, but i let them get to me too much. i have always been a cry baby and i try to hide it because i see it as a weakness, but it is because i care. i was also angry at my family and at the damn therapist for not realizing there was something much deeper going on. i forgive them because i hid it, i pretended for so long that i was ok that i eventually had no choice but to be ok.

i always joke about the fact that i am crazy... i'ts not so much that i am crazy as that i know that if i dont watch myself i really will be crazy. depression is treatable, people can get off drugs if they really want to. (i have no sympathy for addicts, they are just continually chosing the life, each day is a new decision and you cant let the drugs make it for you, i dont care what society says or does the choice ultimately needs to be for yourself.) i dont feel these things any more, i cant say i wont or that i haven't for a day or two, hell i had to escape my mothers house because i felt the same cold reach of helplessness coming back. she thinks i abandoned her... i was just trying to fucking survive. but i am glad that i have friends and others who care about me enough to let me know its going to be alright. i fuck things up alot. i dont mean to, it just happens. but its not the end of the world, its not even the end of my world. i think sometimes we all need to keep that in perspective. i want to thank everyone for being my reason to live. those were dark times in my life that i hope never return and i want to thank everyone who got me out of there. thank kathleen for stealing my lighters when i was in high school, thank lorenzo for asking the question, thank my sister for being an ear, thank everyone, just for caring. and i want to thank lindsey for letting me know that its ok to share things... i was originally going to tell all of this just to shelia to help her out, but when i wrote it out i realized it helped me to tell someone so i guess that is why i am putting part of my pathetic past on display

To Ani, From A Jackass

"If anyone knows about necessary release it's me, sometimes it's easier to scribe unto the blackness than it is to confront what you don't understand. The fact is that I'm not a pussy; it's not pussy to care about what my wife says, it's not a weakness to listen. It's nice that you care how people treat me, but you have to understand that I've never been one to deal with shit. I believe that me and my wife are complete equals and in so we speak our minds to each other. She doesn't treat me badly, and frankly, who would know better than me? The Tiffany people see is not her. She spent her childhood going through hell and now she hides from everyone but me. To know that one of the few people she considered to be a friend wasn't bothered me to an obscene amount. I can't change how you feel or felt and I don't know how you feel now, but I do know she thought you were her friend, and you're not, and that's a terrible trait. A trait that's too fucking common in life. Paranoia is a horrible feeling and it's something that I feel enough of without thinking about how real my friends are, or how they feel about my wife. If you're gonna hate her, hate her because of who she is, not because of who you think she is. I don't know what to think about this whole thing. Honestly, would you?L."

I am honestly ashamed of myself because I cant stand prejudice and in this case I am guilty of it myself. I myself hide things and try to pretend that everything is peachy when my world is torn up inside. But you cant always hide, you play a part long enough and it becomes who you are. I dont know you well, at all, and I'm sorry I spoke out about you and your husband. Your relationship is none of my damned business and I will keep my nose out of it from here after. I am sorry because I did one thing that pisses me off the most, I stated my opinion without fully knowing the situation. I complain about that alot on this thing, when perfect strangers put me down, and it is something I should never have done. I dont know how hard it must be to have the same thing from someone you thought you knew.

It is not that I do not want to be your friend its just that it is hard for me to befriend someone I know so little about. I would like to get to know you better, we are going to be around eachother for a very long time because Supes and Larm are best friends. I dont like being hurt and I definitely dont like hurting people. I know you are a good person inside and I should have gone with my gut rather than my observations on this one I'm sure. I know you cant be the horrid person I pictured in my head because I can't imagine someone like your husband loving something like that, but the only part of you I ever got to see was the bossy part, the controlive part, the quite frankly bitchy part. Looking back I have to wonder did you see the same in me?

I know that words alone are not enough, but I hope you know that what I said was said on a bad day and it was something I felt about something I didnt know. I do not feel the same way now, but I dont know if that makes any difference. I have a talent for hurting good people I care about and I am sorry I did it to you. I dont know you but I would like to, I shy away from you because from the way you carry yourself I think you don't like me. I am sorry if I am mistaken, and I would like to find someway to work it out if I'm not.

Open Mouth Insert Foot

Sorry. I really am sorry. I have waaaayy tooo much word vomit. I think I am going to become a monk so that I can learn to keep my mouth shut and not get my self into trouble... or worse hurt people.. I'm sorry.

"While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down/While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try/Well how can I say I'm alive/But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy/Well I deserve nothing more than I get/Cos nothing I have is truly mine"- Dido

"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you or tell you that./But if I didn't say it well I'd still have felt it,where's the sense in that/I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder/ Or return to where we were but/I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender /There will be no white flag above my door,/I'm in love and always will be/ And when we meet, which I'm sure we will /All that was there, will be there still /I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue /And you will think, that I've moved on...." - Dido

His F***ing Foot Grew!

So yesterday was a rather interesting day… interesting for me at least. Supes and I went shopping yesterday (because that’s what interesting people do on Saturdays) because he said he has no appropriate clothes for Vegas. After looking in his closet I was inclined to agree, he has worn everything in there to work everything including his slacks (slacks that I made him buy because he has no fashion sense and needed something nice to wear… so much for that)… this wouldn’t be so bad except… he is an electrician and everything is painted on greased up or torn. (He looks like a poor homeless child.) But my job as fashion consultant is not to judge it is to shop (Ha!)… so finding pants for him was a challenge we went looking all over the damn place, but finally we found some on a clearance table in J.C. Penney (yeah cause I wanted to be in that store) for like $5.77 (score cheap!)…that were 40-36… it saddens me that the inseam is so long that I can hold it up to my chest and they still drag on the ground… (I think I'm gonna steal a pair of his jeans and make a dress… hmmm…) so yeah finding shirts was a little easier cause hes more normal in that area (18 35-36) but we found out that Mr. Frodo is a freak of nature cause he has a 17 ½ in neck and an arm length of 39-40 which means that he is going to be even bigger than his brother when he’s finished growing. (He’s already 6’4 for heaven sakes he’s only 16)… so after fighting with the clothes thing for a while I look down at his feet and realize hes wearing the same shoes I bought for him like three years ago. (men! How can they do that? One pair in three years? Its supposed to be like one pair every three weeks. duh!) so off we go to the Sketchers store… (yay!) well we were having trouble finding anything in a 14 but he found some dress shoes so he puts them on and says “they feel funny” (what?) ok so we try on some tennis shoes… yeah my toe’s hitting the front… (what?) try on some others… yeah my toe is still hitting the front (how the hell?) so I look at his ghetto fabulous shoes and realize that he has been stretching the leather on these… so I'm thinking, shit his foot grew. We call over some dude to measure his foot… turns out that he needs a 15 “uh sorry dude we don’t have any in this store” so were off to see the wizard again and finally after more shopping we find some cute shoes in a 15 and I'm glad I was getting ready to tell him to buy some sandals and have his toes hang off the edge which I find disgusting… I am saddened at the fact that it is so difficult to shop for him… but I am more saddened by the fact that I was shopping for like 6 hours yesterday and all I got was one pair of shoes that I actually needed for work (how sad is that) oh and a new strapless bra.

I have done nothing this morning except read… I am currently reading only one book, (OMG! I know, but yes only one) Bitch by Elizabeth Wurtzel, I think that I will be done by tomorrow, I started it this morning and I'm like half way through I cant put it down… I am on sort of a feminist kick lately well not really feminist bitch kind of feminist but more like “I am woman hear me roar” kind of feminist. Any way, the reason I am only reading one book is because I am completely enthralled. This woman is hilarious but I knew that when I read Prozac Nation (another really good book) and Memoirs Of An Addiction (also really good but hit kinda close to home). If I enjoy this book to the end she will join my list of favorite authors, she is already my favorite non-fiction author. She is witty and sassy and hilarious and smart… and pretty to boot, if I were a man or a lesbian, she would be my first pick… but back to the book. She was talking about a New York Times article called “heroine chic” about women such as Gertrude Stein, Eleanor Roosevelt, Greta Garbo, Elizabeth Taylor, Coco Chanel and Martha Stuart. “The issues focus was not on bitches per se, but it is safe to argue that anytime a woman projects the kind of intense personality that all these women do, she is somebody’s idea of a bitch. That may not actually be true of Eleanor Roosevelt and Gertrude Stein, but that is only because they were not pretty enough.” This made me laugh out loud to the point that Supes and Mr. Frodo were looking at me like I was insane (which they often do just for the hell of it)… but its only funny because its true. A woman is only called a bitch if she is pretty and stands up for what she believes in, she usually has an incredibly forceful personality. It amuses me that a woman like this gets labled as bitchy while a man with the same attributes is given much more euphonic adjectives. But I am ranting… that is what reading this book has done to me it has made me want to rant and rant and write essays and change the world and go back to school and display my sexuality for personal gain and rule the world with my beautiful tits… ok so that all sounds kind of crazy right now but, well I am, and I do want to do all of these things and it would make a whole lot more sense if you read the book.

One more quote, one more small rant and then I am off to my Nana’s house. “I’m his nightlight. I'm his heater. I'm his favorite channel. I'm his umbrella. I'm his blanket. I'm his weapon. I'm his little voice. I'm his painkiller. I'm his savior. I'm his pillow. Which I guess could also make me his worst nightmare.” Or mine. For heavens sake this woman does everything. She is omnipotent the ad is selling underwear but I can’t imagine she has much time to wear it. But I have found myself being all of these things either singularly or in varied combination at one time or another, and as I'm sure I will always love men. I am sure I will continue. When we make a list of all the things we are to one person it is both empowering and intimidating. I have been all these things for Supes, and he is a very independent man, he has basically raised himself and his brother since the death of his father almost ten years ago. Once I came into the picture I was all these things for him, and I continued after we broke up, it makes me wonder how men can function without us. My therapist once told me I needed more of a father figure in my life, and I can’t help but wonder why when my mother can do all this and more, why when it is women who actually rule the world, even if it is from behind their husbands.

Grape Concorde

I wonder if they even see the irony of thier choice in cars... it amused the hell out of me to be driving next to a grape colored Concorde (Buick?) while drinking juice made from concord grapes. haha ok so its probably not that funny to the rest of you but i swear it like totally made my whole year...

now that i have reaffirmed the fact that i am a loser...

what to blog about today that has not been beaten into the ground? i am almost done with that horrid saturday class one more week... i dont know if i can take it. i am also happy for orbitz again i just read my itinerary.... (its only like the third time ok im not that obsessed) and i realized that i get a whole bunch of shit besides the room, i got $40 in dining credit, 2 oasis spa admissions, a whole bunch of 2 for 1 stuff and a free upgrade. Sweet, no. Suite! haha ok so i amuse my self way too much today... i am utterly too happy. Lorenzo is going with me and we are going to have a blast. my family, loving people that they are, are already taking bets to see if i come back hungover and married. (hello people! do i look like brittany spears to you?)

other things i am happy for today.

i filled up my tank and bought a car wash for under $25
i dont have to deal with my mother and aunt fighting about whether or not my grandmother may have a slice of pumpkin pie (as im slipping her sweet potatoes under the table)
i dont have to deal with the yearly "where are you going with your life" shpeal from my family
i dont have to deal with "you are gonna go to hell if you dont change your ways soon"
my hair looks great today despite the fact that all i did was stick a paintbrush in it this morning
i have cute shoes
im going to vegas
im going to vegas
im gonna be 21
im going to vegas
im going to see my sister... in vegas
yeah so i have a one track mind... forgive me will ya.
im going to vegas

quote for the day (quick before the timer boots me)

"Am I more than you bargained for yet/I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear/Cause that's just who I am this week/Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum/I'm just a notch in your bedpost/But you're just a line in a song/Drop a heart, break a name/We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team" Fall Out Boy (my fav. band today despite the fact that the lead singer isnt exactly the cutest crayon in the box.)

Brake. Horn. Finger. Go

Sometimes all at the same time.

Damn people... Thinking they can drive like me... I'm very sad I had a collision... My car is fine but the orange cone may never be the same. (Damn construction zones the whole South Valley is a giant orange barrel)... But I was much happier to hit the cone than the car that was coming at me.

Hi Katwoman! Ha ha sorry thought I would make you smile.

So guess what! Only 8 days till Harry potter and only 11 till my birth day! YAY!!

So everyone keeps asking me what I want for my birthday... I want world peace, adoption for all homeless puppies, a million dollars, and flowers. Ok screw the flowers how about shoes. Really I'm content right now "I've got money in my pocket/ I like the color of my hair..." I of course have some issues to sort through but I'll get there when I get there.

Really the things I want (aside from flowers and shoes) are things that no one can get me. I want to have more than a three minute conversation with my dad, i want to be Lindsey's friend again, I want school paid for so I don't have to worry come January or you know next week when they send me the tuition bill. So I will ask for canvases and paint and a new digital camera (yes, sadly, I have given in wave of the future and all) or a drawing pencil set or pastels or charcoals or a studio (oh wait that's on the not possible list) lets see...

Vegas for my b-day (check)
Mysterious birthday plans (check)
ID that proves I'm 21 (check)
Cheap hotel reservations(check) (Orbitz four star hotel cheaper than the Ho Jo nice)
Thanksgiving away from the crazies (check)
Harry Potter (check)
new shoes (check, wait no... need shoes)

I think I'm good.

Oops almost forgot a quote for today, doesnt match my mood but its stuck in my head.

"what have i become?/ my sweetest friend/ everyone i know/ goes away in the end/ you could have it all/ my empire of dirt/ i will let you down/ i will make you hurt/ i wear my crown of shit/ on my liar's chair/ full of broken thoughts/ i cannot repair/ beneath the stain of time/ the feeling disappears/ you are someone else/ i am still right here " NIN/Johnny Cash (personally, I prefer the Johnny Cash version.)

You're the Smart one....so chances are you'll
survive! :-)
You might get cut up & have some minor injuries,
but you'll be victorious. The Killer better
know NOT to mess with you anymore!


Will you survive a HORROR MOVIE??
brought to you by Quizilla

Calla Lilies

"And I doubt /that I will ever find out /if there's a way to get out/ of feeling all alone/ cause lately/ I've been thinking maybe/ that no one's going to save me/I'll do it on my own" -Hoobastank

I got lost on the way to my mothers house. I wound up deciding that instead of going to her house I needed to go to church to give my problems over to god and see if a few hours in a pew would help me sort out my head. I went to St. Joseph's but couldn't go in because they were having a wedding. I went to St. Anne's but they were having a funeral. Hence the calla lilies. They are beautiful flowers, I think they are more beautiful than roses, which have become cliche, but they remind me of weddings and funerals, a beginning and an end, so I have developed an aversion to them. I don't even know why I had the compulsion to go to church, I haven't been to one since I was like fifteen. But I didn't know where else to go. I am talking to my mother again, by the way, and she seems to have forgiven me for saving myself instead of her, and I have forgiven her for calling me a rat. My father on the other hand... well he's just being himself. I wrote the other day that I hate him. I don't hate him I just hate the way he makes me feel about myself. I hate the things that he makes me think. He made me cry again for like the millionth time and it was with no effort. I wound up crying on Supes shoulder, and falling in love with him all over again. I keep hoping that "one day my prince will come" and I think I have finally realized that my prince is right in front of me. I keep waiting for someone to romance me, sweep me off my feet, in my case what I really need is someone who is there to sweep up the pieces on the floor and help put them back together.

I am of course confused as always. He says he is ready to marry me. I don't know whether to believe him, or to think that he is scared that I will leave forever. I don't know whether I am ready to marry him but I do know this: I am still in love with him. It hurts because I am still thinking of others, specifically Domenick, still questioning well what would my life be like if... But therein lies the problem. I will spend the rest of my life questioning what if. What if I do marry him and I spend the rest of my life wondering what its like with another? What if I don't and I spend the rest of my life wondering if I threw away my soulmate? Life is not the idealistic little story I thought it was when I was a little girl. The white picket fence and 2.5 kids comes with a price. Everything in life comes with a price.

I wish I could talk to Lindsey. She would help me sort this out. She would never tell me what to do because she'd be afraid of me resenting her for it if it turned out to be the wrong thing, but she would help me find the path. But her actions lately have let me know that she wants nothing to do with me... Its understandable, but I cant help but hope I am mistaken. Now I'm on my own.

I know what I am going to do. I still see myself spending the rest of my life with this man. I can still see my children in his face, I never stopped. And if he can too, after all the shit I have put him through, I can only hope that he has made the decision for his sake and not for mine.

OMG I can move!

"And all I can taste is this moment/ and all I can breathe is your life/ when everything feels like the movies/ you bleed just to know your alive/ and I don't want the world to see me/ cause I don't think that they'd understand/ and everything's made to be broken/ I just want you to know who I am." -Johnny Rzeznik (Goo Goo Dolls)

so I have three bruised ribs, bruises on my neck lovely purple marks all over, and I've been walking like a vejita. But I can move today with a minimal amount of screaming coming from my poor muscles.

work has been interesting these past couple of days, we do PE every day and I have been making the boys do ballet because it is low impact and it feels sooo good when I get all these muscles stretched. I had one father complain that I was turning his son into a pansy. I asked him to do ten pliets in a row and he said never mind, he complained this morning that he was still sore, I think some people need to learn that dancers are nowhere near weak. I had a mother tell me that I should leave my abusive husband. I had to inform her that one I am not married and two I don't make a very good victim. I don't think she believed me because she said well at least your not wearing a wedding ring. I so wanted to sock her.

I have nothing special planned for this weekend, I have class tomorrow, and I might go to the museum of natural history and the planetarium with the boy scout and Mandest... I'm gonna go talk to my momma today (wish me luck) and then it will be Monday and I will start all over.

14 days till Harry Potter, two horribly long weeks. Even longer till my birthday but I've stopped counting cause I think I'm becoming obsessed.

Miss Andrea Looks Like Spiderman...

...and then I fell.

So I dont just have one song or quote stuck in my head I have a whole freakin' station.
Sitting, Waiting, Wishing by jack johnson (or something like that) Sugar We're Going Down by Fall Out Boy, In The Still of The Night by... I dont remember something with an S. It Was a Very Good Year by Frank Sinatra, The Beautiful People by Marylin Manson, (my favorite) The Way You Look Tonight Tony B.(awwww), Im Gonna Love You (the Billie Holiday version) The Sweater Song (Unraveled?) by Weezer... that one song by the guys I dont know that goes "Dont go act all sweetness cause honey thats not right cause only you know what is on my mind" ... yeah all kinds of crazy going on. so the quote for today... hard to choose.

"I was sitting, waiting, wishing/ You believed in superstitions/Then maybe you would see the signs/ But lord knows that this world is cruel/ And I ain’t the lord no I’m just a fool/ Learning loving somebody/ Don’t make them love you/...Well if I was in your position/ I’d put down all my ammunition/ I’d wonder why it had taken me so long/ But lord knows that I’m not you/ And if I was I wouldn’t be so cruel/ Because waiting on love Ain’t so easy to do/ Must I always be waiting, waiting on you?/ Must I always be playing, playing your fool?" -Jack (?) Johnson

So Back to why miss andrea looks like spiderman. we had to do a fire drill today... out the window. i am a chicken shit. some people are afraid of the dark, some are afraid of spiders... my baseless fear is falling (and clowns, and puppets... but were not going there) well before I had to do the fire drill with all of the kids i wanted to do it myself to make sure i would be able to jump out of an eight foot window without shitting myself in front of them. i did and it made me feel pretty good i hit my knees and my hand on the windowsill but nothing major. I decided to check and see if it was a fluke so i tried it again. the second time i slipped i hit my ribs fell on my knees and bruised my palm somehow. (didnt think it was possible but it is and it hurts like fuck.) but it wasnt a fluke i was able to get out the window without killing or shitting myself... here comes two o'clock and all of the kids. we did a fire drill and told the kids they would have to go out the window. fifty three pairs of eyes looked at me like i was totally off my rocker. so i go to jump out the window and one of the kids said "look miss andrea looks like spiderman" i started laughing lost my grip got my keys stuck on the window and nearly hung myself (they are on a lanyard). i fell the eight feet and now i sit here with a cut on my arm bruised ribs, neck and forearm, a now seriously painful palm and two purple knees. despite the fall i was able to catch all the kids and we were able to get all fifty four people out of the room (50 kids 4 adults... if you can call us that, were just as bad as them) and across the school ground in five minutes and 27 seconds.

it is my theory that the more i try to get out of that window, the more backing i will have for my fear of falling. each time was worse and the last time i think i would have died if my lanyard hadnt broken. but i dont have to do it again any time soon (god willing). i still want to go base jumping, or skydiving... i was supposed to do it for my eighteenth birthday but never did. maybe i will convince jenn that we really do want to go one of these weekends to the skydiving school in belen to watch (its awesome they take you up and you can watch from the plane its only like ten bucks to watch), and then maybe we will get up the nerve to jump out of the damned plane. that would get rid of my fear of falling i think.

There is only 16 days till harry potter comes out and you know what that means only 19 days till im on vacation, sipping a mojito and talking to my sis (knowing my lissa its more like shooting down jack and dancing on tables, but whatever same deal) i am soooo looking forward to vacation and soo looking forward to seeing my lissa. (i miss ya dearie) i am going to par-tay! (but for now im just a school marm with bruises)

written on friday posted on tuesday, story of my life

“I have come to a frightening conclusion. I am the decisive element in the classroom. It is my personal approach that creates the climate. It is my daily mood that makes the weather. As a teacher I possess tremendous power to make a child’s life miserable or joyous. I can be a tool of torture or an instrument of inspiration. I can humiliate or humor, hurt or heal. In all situations it is my response that decides whether a crisis will be escalated or de-escalated, and a child humanized.” Dr Haim G. Ginott.

I look at this quote everyday before I go to work. It is my reminder of exactly why I work with kids what power I possess and what a difference I can make, on that note... Reflection time is a childcare workers best friend. I think that the person who decided that kids need a nap in the middle of the day was genius… ok maybe not but we all need a break, seeing as I am feeling horrid today and have been wanting to sock someone all day… nap time is a necessity.

Childcare is difficult because no matter how horrid your day is how shitty you feel you must leave everything at the door once you walk in. children are delicate creatures and sense any emotion… so I have become a rather good actress… pretending everything is alright when really it is not.

I am in a wretched mood

"is it too late?/ nothing to salvage/ you look away/ clear of the damage/ the meaning to/ our words of love/ has disappeared" dangerous and Moving

so i think there is a song out there for every possible situation... And they might possibly all be in my CD case... i am looking for an escape from this wretched mood and i am finding reminders all over. Such is life i guess.

"i complicated our lives/ by falling in love with him/ i complicated our lives/ now I'm losing my only friend/ i don't know why/ i had to try/ living my life on the other side/ now I'm so confused/ i don't know what to do/ he loves me/ he loves me not/ she loves me/ she loves me not/ i started blurring the lines/ cause i didn't care/ i started crossing the lines/ cause you were never there/ nowhere to turn/ no one to help/ its almost like i don't even know myself/ now i have to choose/ i don't know what to do..." t.A.T.u.

so i have been erased... Again.... i give up... i never will give up, but i will say I'm giving up. Its better for all involved.

now on to happy news... i got new underwear (yah!) cause all of mine was disappearing. So i got lots of new lacy cheekies. They make me happy they are very sexy without being uncomfortable... And they make my ass look fabulous.

so I'm supposed to go to the Boo Ball tonight... But my boss called an emergency meeting this evening so it looks like i wont be having fun... Maybe i can get strep or something... i was sick all this week so I'm just not feeling better yet? Eh I'll wind up going i know I'll wind up going because work is the only stable thing in my life right now... And as much as i would like to rock the boat i know i wont.

i need to go out. i need to have fun and dance in the parking lot. i went to hooters last night and started dancing in that parking lot... But Supes just looked at me like i was insane instead of joining, i guess when you break up with a person a couple of times they feel they don't need to join in the insanity. i need a girls night out but the girls are in Vegas, cruces, Chicago, and Boston. Mandy and Tiffany are in town but mandy thinks I'm psychotic (which i am) and everytime i see tiffany i want to gouge her eyes out with a plastic spork (my weapon of choice) because of the way she treats Larry.

Larry is one of the sweetest guys i know, he's funny and witty, and kind, and considerate and apparently a very good kisser from what i have heard. He is married to tiffany, who is the complete opposite. i have known Larry for years and she has changed him from what i described before to a little bitch... No no the word bitch implies some control, he's a pussy... No not even that Larry has turned into a pubic hair. Now tiffany may not be that bad of a person waaayyyy deep down inside. But she is controlling and needy and annoying. She is all of my bad traits amplified a hundred times, maybe that's why i cant stand her so much... The problem is she's always with Larry its a package deal, no one can hang out with him without her, but no one likes her.

i am just ranting today so i think i will zip it and go and grab some lunch before i have to go to work. i am in a bad mood but i don't wanna be chewing on my kneecap when i get out of it. Which is a problem i face all too often.

Oops

"we're going down down in an earlier round/ sugar we're going down swinging/ i'll be your number one with a bullet/ a loded god complex cock it and pull it." Fall Out Boy

so my car is paid off finaly... this wouldnt be that big of a deal except i paid cash for it when i bought it and paid it off then... but i had a roomate that didnt pay her half of the bills for like six months despite sizable (and questionable) income. and short of being evicted i had to come up with some money quick so i got a title loan and have been the loan company's bitch ever since... i am soo happy now though that you wouldnt believe its like a giant burden lifted off of my shoulders. i know i will never see the money that person owes me, but i dont really care any more. i have written it off as one more loss. i am sooo happy my car is mine again i have the title again and i am almost completely out of debt, i have also learned not to rely on people.

but i have developed a horrid spending habit. in that i am spending. i went to Sam's Club to get supplies for my site and i wound up leaving with 12 new movies and two new cd's... the movies are a horrid habit i picked up from supes who has like 500 dvds and countless vhs. the cd's well i got sick of hot fuss so i picked up tatu and fall out boy. since it was sams club everything was cheap like $100 (ive spent more than that on shoes) but its $100 that i know i should be saving for my debt or at least for my trip to vegas. eh well c'est la vie.

Salem vs Hubba Bubba

Hubba Bubba wins.

"Sorry you cant define me/ sorry I break the mold/ sorry that I speak my mind/ sorry don't do what I'm told/ sorry if I don't fake it/ sorry I come too real/ I will never hide what I really feel."
-Stripped

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more"
Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done
To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
and I'm OK

Yeah I guess I'm Just in a Christina Aguilerra-ish sort of mood but it describes what I feel soo perfectly. So I still haven't spoken to my parents since the other night the night i fought with just about everyone... I feel guilty cause I exploded on my dad when he tried actually being a father for once... I just couldn't take him telling me what to do after all these years of acting like I am not worth existence. I have been talking about fluffy little problems, work, vomit, my coat, so that I can avoid the things that are really bothering me. My father is always first on the list 20 years of feeling not good enough for this man and i still want to be his little girl. i think the reason that I freaked out so much when he started demanding i go home is cause it was actually happening. He was trying to protect his little girl (even if it was from herself) and keep her safe and close. I hate my father for those of you who don't know (and are too thick to figure it out from this) I also hate myself for feeling this way, but its unavoidable. It is my self defense... After so many years of being ignored by this man, except to be told my flaws or what to do, i find it best to act like he doesn't exist. But he does and the little girl inside of me is screaming out for him, especially in this the most tumultuous time i have ever been through. I still wanna be daddies little girl. i want him to tell me that everything is gonna be ok. And i want to forgive him for all the years that it wasn't.

number two on my list is Supes. I still love him. But i cant be with him right now. i cant be with this man when my thoughts are constantly drifting to others. i want to go out and taste all that life has to offer i don't want to have to worry about anyone but me i want to be selfish in my life for a while, i have spent the past few years making sure there was food on the table at my mothers. Making sure Lindsey was gonna get over the latest guy without doing something she would hate herself for later. Making sure he was going to be ok in Texas by himself, making sure i was doing my job right and making it easier on my boss. i want to be selfish for a while i never had that luxury when i was younger i think i need it now. i think that is why i did what i did and started it before it was over. i wanted to live and i was tired of putting myself and my heart last. He wants commitment and security and a good woman to be there at his side. And he deserves all of it. i cant do anything for him but promise to be at his side as his companion, his confidante, but not his lover, at least not now.

third hmmmm sort of a toss up between my mother Domenick and Lindsey. Probably Lindsey would be first. i am at the point where i truly think it is over. i have been open and waiting and she has not done anything except a ten minute call about radiators and fan belts. Should i have pushed it more, should i have written her sooner, should i have betrayed myself to save her, could i if i wanted? i don't know i don't think i will ever know. i know i feel lost without her but i also know that i will be ok. It is not the end of the world, not even close. i have lived through much worse. i don't want to force myself to start getting over her but i need change in my life and i cant spend the rest of it waiting for her... But on the same note i know i will. i am still waiting for Adrienne after all those things she said, and what happened in the end after all the truth came out... Why when i pull people near i do it for life? Why damn it? Why? Why? Why? i want to be able to say they are like Kleenex disposable, but while i never forgive, i most definitely never forget. My heart still cries at thoughts of Adrienne, i cant describe what it does when i think of her, my second soul.

Domenick. Well i must say that i truly surprised my self with the realization that i actually love him... Not just puppy love, not just oh well fabu sex deserves to be called love kind of love, like bottom of the ninth bases are loaded high fly ball over the left field wall, let me drop everything for you kinda love. So naturally i did what any sane woman would do when confronted with this problem. i tried dropping him like a bad habit. And i must say... i think I'm failing miserably

my mother... Ugh so not ready to talk about my mother all i can say is I'm sorry... i never meant to hurt you but it was gonna come out sometime. i had to save myself not from you but from everything. I'm sorry.

Dry Cleaners are Wonderful People

... and other atrocious lies.

so i went to the drycleaners after i posted yesterday because although my coat was clean it is still rather nasty to be running around knowing that the article of clothing you are wearing was covered in vomit not too long ago. they told me it would be $7 (score! cheap!) to clean it and it would be done by 4:00 today... well its still not done, and they said that there was a tear in it so it will be more.. so i told the lady that is bullshit i love that coat to death and i know every square inch and there is no tear and asked to see the problem, well it turns out it was another coat, a mans bomber jacket, i dont understand how they could confuse a mans brown suede bomber jacket with a womans black lambskin trench... but hey who am i to judge right? i mean it must be a technical thing. mine wasnt even looked at yesterday so i took it home with me. i am sad and need to find a new drycleaner. luckily this is new mexico and the weather changes minute to minute and i didnt even need a sweater today, i am running around right now in a tank and skirt, tomorrow i will probably need leggings though and will seriously be missing it... who knows.

i shouldnt be this bothered over a coat... but i truly am.

i have supply money... lots of it (ok so not lots but three times as much as last month cause there was no one there to steal it) and i am looking forward to crafts shopping a little too much... i enjoy school supplies entirely too much, they are the reason i look forward to going back semester after semester... this could be a psychological problem of mine, but its not harming anyone, so why worry right.

im trying to think of some non work related things to post but even my weekends will be taken over from 8:00-4:30 by work until dec 3rd, cause i have this stupid class i have to go to (and pass, ugh!) so i think i will shut up for today... i have to work (theres the dirty word again) kids night out tomorrow till like 11:00 so i dont think i will be able to post until monday. the drama! i'm sure i will survive without an outlet... i just dont know how yet.

Chasing The Butterflies AKA Craptacular

"its not always rainbows and butterflies its compromise that moves us along." Maroon Five (my favorite quote of the week)

"When lip service to some mysterious deity permits bestiality on Wednesday and absolution on Sunday, cash me out." Frank Sinatra

"the beast in me is caged by frail and fragile bars." Johnny Cash

I'm trying to be in a bad mood cause I have had a bad day but I was just listening to Feel Good INC. by the Gorillaz in my car and I must say... That went out the window... So now I'm not in a bad mood just stressed as usual.

so my day has been for lack of a better word craptacular... Actually yesterday was rather craptacular today has just been shit. Yesterday was just a looonnnggg day I worked and then had a lunch (yay) that I had to work through (boo) and I didn't finish what I had to do before I went back to work. (of course) then I worked some more... Got off had to rush across town to a fucking board meeting (I hate those damn things its pointless for me to be there at all I have no vote I have no say and I spend most of the time trying to keep myself from falling asleep to the lovely lullaby of all the head honchos blathering.) and then I went home and slept. (wondrous, que no?)

today has been actually horrible. I had to work at 6:30 and I just got off like 12 mins ago and I have to go back at five and then I have another freaking meeting... I was filling out my time card for the week and I realized I'm gonna have like 55 hours and that's if I only have to work what I have assigned which lately is like an impossibility. I know I can do this but after the day I had today I'm wondering why I would want to. First thing when I get there Rikki is bitching about something or another, having to do with someone else's site, but I'm chismosa so I like to hear it, but you can only hear so much gossip before you start wondering what they say about you when your not there. So any way that was fine and then she had to go to class and Justine came in and everything was normal... And then the shit hit the fan. I had a boy and a girl get in a fist fight over a piece of clay about the size of my thumb, I had a girl puke on me (luckily I was wearing my coat cause it was cold and my coat is leather so it wiped right off... Unluckily I got puked on in my fav. coat.) I had another kid fall and knock out a tooth (jury's still out on whether or not it was a baby tooth) and I had to pull another girls tooth cause she fell off a swing and knocked it loose (that one was a baby tooth) I had my boss call and yell at me because I haven't started my fundraising for the invest in youth campaign (which she didn't tell me I had to do, and the impression I got from all those meetings I have been attending is that it the campaign doesn't officially kick off till February. I am not the only site director who has not started, in fact none of us has so I don't know why she singled me out) I had another kid come down with a fever of 102.4. I had my boss call me back and tell me she needed me to send one of my staff to another site cause they were over ratio. And then I had to stay an hour and a half later because my site is over ratio. And now I have to go back soon and I haven't gotten to talk to anyone cause my phone is dead (I got yelled at for that too for heaven sakes) and I just feel helpless because I know that I wont be able to get home tonight before 9:00 and then I have to write up incident reports for the fight the puking the tooth losses and the staff changes. God I love the YMCA :D (smile like I mean it? Ok.)

The YMCA Invest In Youth campaign is a way to help people who couldn't normally afford it attend the YMCA, it is part of what makes the YMCA such a great thing. It is actually a good thing, its just giving me a lot of stress because I work at one of the poorer sites so I know that fundraising is not gonna help me meet my goal... Well it'll help but I know it wont do it by itself... I need some generous people to cut some checks to the YMCA so I don't have to worry about it (ha like that's gonna happen!) I think I will give some money out of my own pocket and try to convince my staff to do the same... Or... I don't know. This program is one of the few things that I have seen help people enough that I am willing to go the distance for it, I am willing to give out of my pocket but I don't have enough, I need great ideas for raising money. And right now I got crap.

In non work related stuff (now that I have bored everyone to tears lemme do it again) I got this cheesy text message that said describe me in one word only one and then send this to ten people yada yada...

so my words that i got back made me smile a little

dramatic-Katwoman
beautiful-Supes
brilliant-the Butthead
fun-Lucy
intimidating- j
lemur (or fluffy)- Mr. Frodo
drea-Peenie
monkey-Sassy
queen of the damned- the man I'm supposed to marry when i turn 52 (he apparently doesn't know the meaning of one)

I'm looking at this list and I realize I have waaayy too many fucking nicknames, a different one from each of these people and then some :( I think I need to simplify.
Katwoman-drea
Supes-Xuppy
the Butthead-Shithead
Lucy-Dre Dre
j- well i don't have one from him soo...Andrea
Mr. Frodo- Miss Andrea
Peenie-Boo Boo
Sassy-monkey
the man I'm supposed to marry when we turn 52- queen of all that is evil
and then there's Nikki, Anja, Dr. Dre, JJ Rae, Andy, Reah, Rugrat, Frootluips, Biscotti, Fea, Andra-Ella, mija, Annie... I'm sure if I think about it I can go on... I need to come up with just one really fabu one and convince everyone to just call me that (yeah right).

Hmmmmm...

"Times change, societies evolve, roles reverse, but the pursuit of love is constant. Equally constant are the personality attributes we find attractive, the pain of loves lost, the sweet heartaches of loves won, and the excitement that attends the entirety of the process.
Of course all is not well in the realm of love. Nothing goes as planned, nothing is as it first seems, the ebb and flow of relationships is as curious today as it was when time began. What we all eventually find is of course, the stuff of maturity: staid is not always sure and excitement eventually wears thin.
And then there is also American society where the quest for love is turned into sex and someone winds up hurt. It has been said, though I'm not sure by whom, "in America, guys give love to get sex, while girls give sex to get love." this statement is not so horrible, but the stark reality that it is true, is; this is the ugly side of love. There is a beautiful side of love. One that everyone who believes in love has seen. The unity of two peoples souls in a pure kiss, the feelings of safety, warmth, and something magical in a lovers touch. The ability to make some one laugh cry and feel like the worlds only person in one embrace. There are many other parts of love, but much too many to write, and if overly analyzed they will lose their magic." - My Sketchbook circa Sept 2000

So this is one of my many rantings about love written about five years ago, right after I ended things with Chris the piss. I haven't written that passionately about something in a long time, I am a person full of passion and I am wondering where it has all gone. Where is that fiery, devil-may-care-cause-I-sure-as-hell-don't person that I used to be? And how long has she been missing?

"We are a nation of teenagers living together alone. We somehow have been unanimously labeled as a "problem generation." We are hell raisers, filled with rebellion, or are we? I am not driven by hatred, I am not driven by fear, I am not driven by desire, duty or any rationale. I can no longer feel any of these, all that remains is retribution; cold hard and final... It is easier to stab someone in the back than it is to look them in the eyes, society is built upon this principle, and it is universal amongst those who rule"... It goes on and on. Passionate, yet analytical and cold. It is amusing to see the way we change as the years pass. I am most definitely not the same person as my fifteen year old self.

In other news: I was looking through my computer, checking for pics I might want to post... And I found this folder full of pics of this gorgeous man... I have never seen him before in my life... And I don't know how they got there. hmmm.... Must have been Lindsey, but if that's the case I'm surprised he has clothes on, every time I saw some pic some net guy sent her he was naked. This guy had clothes on but damn... Ok that's enough of that... Sorry people I guess I'm just not getting enough to keep my happy little 20-year-old head off of the guys.

Pablo Neruda is Hot!

"...Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,/ te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:/ así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera..."
Translation:"...I love you without knowing how, nor when, nor from where,/ I love you without problems nor pride:/ I love you like this because I do not know how to love you another way..." -Pablo Neruda (from my favorite poem by him "Soneto XVII") Pablo Neruda is not actually hot... i just love his poetry

so i am checking to see if this works... this is my favorite picture of our trip to santa rosa... well actually i like the cute one of ernest and mandy where you can see both of thier faces more, but i dont want to post pics of them on the web without thier permission. so this one cause you cant see her face and theres water.... lots of water in the middle of new mexico yay!

so my weekend is gonna be fun yay! im going to Fall Crawl which is a bar hopping concert going fun experience that happens every october and i completely forgot about... i think i will also go to the circus chimera... which is the mexican circus not your typical circus its more like a ballet under a big tent on highwires, with peanuts and those happy little balloons on sticks. so yeah i just need something to do tonight... i went to the sneak peek of Legend Of Zorro last night it was excellent... i will now describe the entire movie and ruin it for everyone two weeks before it comes out... so it goes like this theres this guy his name is zorro he has a horse and a beautiful wife named Elena theres some fighting and stuff happens and then it ends. yeah like i would actually ruin it for people. i love movies and i hate it when people tell you the whole damn thing before you go... (yet i am anxiously awaiting harry potter on november 18) i think that is more because it is a birthday tradition for me than anticipation of the movie... but it is my favorite book (so far) of the series.

only (now she is actually looking at her calendar counting to see how many days -Supes) 39 days tmbd.... (presents people presents... jk) i go back to full schedules next week (ugh!) so i will be working long ass days again and will be irratable and rich. (well, YMCA rich which translates into shit elsewhere) so if im extra bitchy thats why people, apologizing in advance.

sometimes its good to be intimidating

so i just got up and went to the restroom and i came back to my table and some bitch was walking away with my shit. i would have expected this if i was in the south valley, but im in taylor ranch the rich part of town and its a fucking library for heaven's sake.

i just had to post this i couldnt believe it she was wearing my wonderful leather coat, had my computer in the bag on her back and was carrying my book of poetry in her arms. (now these happen to be three of my four favorite posessions but i would have killed her for the book.) i didnt even say a word. i just looked at her and she said sorry dropped the shit shed my coat and bolted. i guess i really am intimidating, especially when im pissed. i guess mr. frodo and supes and all the others werent lying. but ugh the nerve of that bitch... i should have decked her, i still wanna chase after her, but i got my shit back thats all that matters. thank god my wallet was in my pocket.

Im sitting here in my haven.

"they painted up your secrets/ with the lies they told to you/ and the least they ever gave you/ was the most you ever knew/... and she wonders where these dreams go/ cause the world got in her way/ whats the point in ever trying/ nothing's changing anyway." -Goo Goo Dolls

ahhh Acoustic #3, my fav Goo Goo Dolls song, and quite possibly my favorite song of all time. (well at least for today they can fight with my Tony) but its such a jaded song. So bijou called me yesterday, and we talked.We talked about fluff, her radiator not working, me wanting to leave my job (and possibly the country) She said she needs Methadone to get off of Domenick and i must say i am inclined to agree. but it made me happy just to get to talk to her. now today i am going back to my routine of not talking to her because i dont know what she wants... im not sure she knows what she wants but thats enough of that.

my haven is the library. i love it here. i want one in my house, walls and walls and stacks and stacks of books. but i need a house first.

i am being a good girl. i keep looking at my spedometer like im supposed to, i plan on paying all my bills before i go shopping this time, and double checking to make sure i got them all... pesky little buggers. i've been responsible and made the schedule and part of the curriculum for next week before monday morning. i am trying to be a good person, now someone please tell me why i feel so craptacular.

i just finished talking to domenick on the instant messenger, he pissed me off a little... ok a lot... and i must say blowing up the whole damn state... i would never im just hurt and angry and it will pass. but speaking about the state of new jersey what is it about the men over there that attracts the women over here? bijou fell for domenick, i fell for domenick, my lissa fell for justin and lindsey fell for some other guy in jersey. now all of us are smart women and realize that it is on the other fucking side of the country, (and its not like europe where they tend to be little countries) but it happened. hm....

im going to vegas for my b-day (yay!) at least for thanksgiving. im actually going(pinch me) and im gonna stop talking about it if i can cause im afraid of jinxing it. (but im gonna have a weeklong bash for my 21st!) i wish ernest and mandy could go but that doesnt look like a possiblity and everyone else that i want to go that isnt going is under 21... maybe i should stay here for my b-day and go the next day (yeah cause im gonna feel like traveling) but if i do stay i could do kareoke and make everyone go deaf. (how fun!)

so i ran into adrienne the other day, it made me happy to see her we talked for a little bit, but she had to go to work. she seemed a little jealous of me, i think she thought supes new car was mine and i must say i was looking pretty good compared to her and the evil part of me laughed. Adrienne for those of you who dont know, was my best friend from sixth grade through the summer of my junior year. i had a very complicated non relationship (i was in the relationship, he wasn't) with her cousin (chris the piss) which she made even more of a non relationship by pushing the two of us apart. which i thank her for now but then i hated her for immensly. we stopped being friends when i started dating 'Zo cause she said i was ignoring her (she ignored me every time she had a boyfriend so i still don't feel too bad about it). i thank her for helping to end the non relationship because chris really was a piss though i couldnt see it at the time. he wanted my body with no emotional attachment, and he is the one that got me into most of the drugs i was on at the time (i was already a pothead, but in the valley at that age its like standard, i found it amazing that my friends from the other side of the tracks had never even tried it) and almost got me in trouble alot for sneaking him in through my window at night. (i then had to sneak him into my brothers room before my parents woke up... my bro didnt like that much cause that was his best friend and his little sister, oh my!) so in retrospect the whole situation was bad and im glad its over cause i dont think that i would be alive today, or if i was i would be a lot worse off, probably still addicted and a drop out. but im ok.

i am looking for a copy of Elizabeth Wurtzel's Bitch, all the ones in the whole rio grande valley library system are checked out so if any one out there has a copy or knows where i can get a copy please send it this way.

nice and confused

turns out the comment was from who i wanted it to be from.

decidedly too many

"summer has come to pass, the innocent can never last wake me up when september ends" -greenday
well its october and im awake damnit though i dont want to be

today is a list-y kind of day

so i have said goodbye to decidedly too many people these past few weeks. i have a comment on yesterdays blog that says "i do miss her but what am i supposed to do" and i dont know who it is from. in the old days cowboys used to cull the herd, get rid of the sick and the weak... well i am culling my herd but im getting rid of all the good ones

people i have gotten rid of somehow/ ignored to the point that they are ready to rid themselves of me this month in cronological order (so which one do i want the random comment to be from? I'll never tell.)

1. Supes
2. Bijou
3. The Hitman
4. Queen Bitch
5. Butthead
6. Katwoman
7. Greenbean (though this one should be #1 cause i havent spoken to her since january.)
8. the man i'm supposed to marry when we turn 52

so i had an odd dream last night (i had a lot of dreams cause i slept twice as long as normal but were not going there). it was about Bijou. first we were at a wedding and i was in this wonderful dress that somehow turned into a gown and then i realized it was hers so i took it off to give it back and then we went to my house (i had a house!) and she noticed that she had some of her stuff there and so i started giving it all back to her and then she started screaming at me and i was screaming at her and then we just collapsed in each others arms on the beautiful floors (black laquered with tiger lilies painted on them like i want to make in my house) and started crying. i woke up with my tatoo burning like mad, and missing her like crazy. i think both are psychosomatic

things i dream of alot

1. sex
2. falling
3. sex
4. playing soccer with my uncle joe (dont ask its very sad)
5. weddings
4. funerals
5. church
6. mountains
7. limbo

so i think i'm crazy

number of stop signs/lights run today...3
number of yellow lights run... at least seven
times i looked at my spedometer today...2
times i was seriously speeding when i looked...2
thoughts about THM... a million +2
thoughts about work...3
regrets...0 -i think
times i cried today... I'll never tell
emails written... 0
emails recieved... 0
phone calls made...0 tried one but outgoing calls are restricted cause i forgot to pay the bill
phone calls rec'd... 12
phone calls answered...0
hours slept...10
nails broken...1
books im reading... 4 (1984, The Picture of Dorian Grey, The Three Musketeers, La Anologia Completa de la poesia de Pablo Neruda.)
books i havent read before...2 (dorian grey and pablo neruda)
happy thoughts...0
happy memories... thousands
place i want to live today... my grandma's house (sans grandma's bitching)
place i want to live tomorrow... vegas
who i want to hold me right now... my lissa
what i want to do... cry, or run
what i'm gonna do... blog

feels like monday

"love begins with a smile, flourishes with a kiss, and ends with a tear."

im not sure who said that, im not even sure if thats the quote but that is the gist of it, and its true. love stinks. and thats a fact.

so my world is a shambles and somehow im ok with that im fine, real fine.
i have this info thingie that i was gonna post the otherday when my computer ate it so i guess ill do it now.

1. What is your occupation? YMCA slave
2. Do you like banana sandwiches? with peanut butter theyre ok
3. What are you listening to right now? jazz mix billie holiday, louis armstrong...etc
5. Do you wish on stars? all the time the world is full of my wishes
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? clear... never seen a clear one
7. How is the weather right now? Cloudy, and freezing
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my sister
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? is anyone gonna say no to that question? but yeah i do shes a cool person.
10. How old are you today? 20 years 323 days 42 days tmbd ('till my b-day) yay! hello vegas!
11. Favorite drink? Odwalla limeade (drinking it right now) or a mojito or a hello kitty or shots of petron anejo for alchohol (not that i have drunk them cause im under 21 mind you.
12. Favorite sport to watch? Underwater basket weaving those guys got mad skills ;)
13. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes but i have recently discovered that it is a very pretty color on its own even if it is brown
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? yes im blind as a bat
15. Pets? :( i miss my Yoda i have one the dredd pirate roberts whom i think i forgot to feed this morning
16. Favorite month? October, anticipation of my b-day is always better than the actual birthday and i love the smell of fall.
17. Favorite food? Just one? yeah right my Nana's chiliquile, my Mom's Green Chile Chicken Enchiladas, or my chocolate chip cookies (havent found any better)
18. Last movie you saw? Serenity(v. good) and Inu Yasha honorable something something sword thingie (mmm sesshomeru)
19. Favorite day of the year? purple
20. What do you do to vent anger? draw, read, paint, take a walk, or write
21. What was your favorite toy as a child? boxes, boxes can be anything
22. Fall or Spring? fall
23. Hugs or kisses? mmmm embraces.
24. Cherry or Blueberry? Pear
25. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes, always
26. Who is most likely to respond?dont think this applies here
27. Who is least likely to respond? everyone
28. Living arrangements? complicated
29. When was the last time you cried? two hours ago
30. What is on the floor of your closet? dont have a closet if i did everything thats supposed to be on the hangers
32. What did you do last night? wrote an email
33. What are you afraid of? cheese cheese is scary.
35. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? green chili cheeseburgers mmmm.
36. Favorite car? :( i want my stingray
37. Favorite dog breed? St. Bernard or Bull Mastiff
38. Number of keys on your key ring? keys where are my keys!?!
39. How many years at your current job? too long
40. Favorite day of the week? tomorrow
41. How many states have you lived in? many but one i remember
42. How many cities have you lived in? a few but i dont remember any place but hell i mean here.