Salem vs Hubba Bubba

Hubba Bubba wins.

"Sorry you cant define me/ sorry I break the mold/ sorry that I speak my mind/ sorry don't do what I'm told/ sorry if I don't fake it/ sorry I come too real/ I will never hide what I really feel."
-Stripped

I often wonder why I carry all this guilt
When it's you that helped me put up all these walls I've built
Shadows stir at night through a crack in the door
The echo of a broken child screaming "please no more"
Daddy, don't you understand the damage you have done
To you it's just a memory, but for me it still lives on

Bruises fade father, but the pain remains the same
And I still remember how you kept me so afraid
Strength is my mother for all the love she gave
Every morning that I wake I look back to yesterday
and I'm OK

Yeah I guess I'm Just in a Christina Aguilerra-ish sort of mood but it describes what I feel soo perfectly. So I still haven't spoken to my parents since the other night the night i fought with just about everyone... I feel guilty cause I exploded on my dad when he tried actually being a father for once... I just couldn't take him telling me what to do after all these years of acting like I am not worth existence. I have been talking about fluffy little problems, work, vomit, my coat, so that I can avoid the things that are really bothering me. My father is always first on the list 20 years of feeling not good enough for this man and i still want to be his little girl. i think the reason that I freaked out so much when he started demanding i go home is cause it was actually happening. He was trying to protect his little girl (even if it was from herself) and keep her safe and close. I hate my father for those of you who don't know (and are too thick to figure it out from this) I also hate myself for feeling this way, but its unavoidable. It is my self defense... After so many years of being ignored by this man, except to be told my flaws or what to do, i find it best to act like he doesn't exist. But he does and the little girl inside of me is screaming out for him, especially in this the most tumultuous time i have ever been through. I still wanna be daddies little girl. i want him to tell me that everything is gonna be ok. And i want to forgive him for all the years that it wasn't.

number two on my list is Supes. I still love him. But i cant be with him right now. i cant be with this man when my thoughts are constantly drifting to others. i want to go out and taste all that life has to offer i don't want to have to worry about anyone but me i want to be selfish in my life for a while, i have spent the past few years making sure there was food on the table at my mothers. Making sure Lindsey was gonna get over the latest guy without doing something she would hate herself for later. Making sure he was going to be ok in Texas by himself, making sure i was doing my job right and making it easier on my boss. i want to be selfish for a while i never had that luxury when i was younger i think i need it now. i think that is why i did what i did and started it before it was over. i wanted to live and i was tired of putting myself and my heart last. He wants commitment and security and a good woman to be there at his side. And he deserves all of it. i cant do anything for him but promise to be at his side as his companion, his confidante, but not his lover, at least not now.

third hmmmm sort of a toss up between my mother Domenick and Lindsey. Probably Lindsey would be first. i am at the point where i truly think it is over. i have been open and waiting and she has not done anything except a ten minute call about radiators and fan belts. Should i have pushed it more, should i have written her sooner, should i have betrayed myself to save her, could i if i wanted? i don't know i don't think i will ever know. i know i feel lost without her but i also know that i will be ok. It is not the end of the world, not even close. i have lived through much worse. i don't want to force myself to start getting over her but i need change in my life and i cant spend the rest of it waiting for her... But on the same note i know i will. i am still waiting for Adrienne after all those things she said, and what happened in the end after all the truth came out... Why when i pull people near i do it for life? Why damn it? Why? Why? Why? i want to be able to say they are like Kleenex disposable, but while i never forgive, i most definitely never forget. My heart still cries at thoughts of Adrienne, i cant describe what it does when i think of her, my second soul.

Domenick. Well i must say that i truly surprised my self with the realization that i actually love him... Not just puppy love, not just oh well fabu sex deserves to be called love kind of love, like bottom of the ninth bases are loaded high fly ball over the left field wall, let me drop everything for you kinda love. So naturally i did what any sane woman would do when confronted with this problem. i tried dropping him like a bad habit. And i must say... i think I'm failing miserably

my mother... Ugh so not ready to talk about my mother all i can say is I'm sorry... i never meant to hurt you but it was gonna come out sometime. i had to save myself not from you but from everything. I'm sorry.