Calla Lilies

"And I doubt /that I will ever find out /if there's a way to get out/ of feeling all alone/ cause lately/ I've been thinking maybe/ that no one's going to save me/I'll do it on my own" -Hoobastank

I got lost on the way to my mothers house. I wound up deciding that instead of going to her house I needed to go to church to give my problems over to god and see if a few hours in a pew would help me sort out my head. I went to St. Joseph's but couldn't go in because they were having a wedding. I went to St. Anne's but they were having a funeral. Hence the calla lilies. They are beautiful flowers, I think they are more beautiful than roses, which have become cliche, but they remind me of weddings and funerals, a beginning and an end, so I have developed an aversion to them. I don't even know why I had the compulsion to go to church, I haven't been to one since I was like fifteen. But I didn't know where else to go. I am talking to my mother again, by the way, and she seems to have forgiven me for saving myself instead of her, and I have forgiven her for calling me a rat. My father on the other hand... well he's just being himself. I wrote the other day that I hate him. I don't hate him I just hate the way he makes me feel about myself. I hate the things that he makes me think. He made me cry again for like the millionth time and it was with no effort. I wound up crying on Supes shoulder, and falling in love with him all over again. I keep hoping that "one day my prince will come" and I think I have finally realized that my prince is right in front of me. I keep waiting for someone to romance me, sweep me off my feet, in my case what I really need is someone who is there to sweep up the pieces on the floor and help put them back together.

I am of course confused as always. He says he is ready to marry me. I don't know whether to believe him, or to think that he is scared that I will leave forever. I don't know whether I am ready to marry him but I do know this: I am still in love with him. It hurts because I am still thinking of others, specifically Domenick, still questioning well what would my life be like if... But therein lies the problem. I will spend the rest of my life questioning what if. What if I do marry him and I spend the rest of my life wondering what its like with another? What if I don't and I spend the rest of my life wondering if I threw away my soulmate? Life is not the idealistic little story I thought it was when I was a little girl. The white picket fence and 2.5 kids comes with a price. Everything in life comes with a price.

I wish I could talk to Lindsey. She would help me sort this out. She would never tell me what to do because she'd be afraid of me resenting her for it if it turned out to be the wrong thing, but she would help me find the path. But her actions lately have let me know that she wants nothing to do with me... Its understandable, but I cant help but hope I am mistaken. Now I'm on my own.

I know what I am going to do. I still see myself spending the rest of my life with this man. I can still see my children in his face, I never stopped. And if he can too, after all the shit I have put him through, I can only hope that he has made the decision for his sake and not for mine.