S*** I've Been Hiding From For Too Long

I have been hiding from my past for too long and I know that the people I care about, those that I am hiding this from read this, which only makes me want to turn tail and run the other way, but if i dont stand up now, if I fail to have conviction what good am I?. Well... here goes nothing.

I come from a family with an emotionally abusive father. (ha like you guys didnt know that already) but what you dont know is that living in that household made me feel worthless. i was suicidal from the time i was 13 to the time i was 16... the only reason i didnt kill myself is because i was afraid of the reprocussions it would have on my family (hell of a reason to live but it worked) i never told any one this... i told them i was depressed i even told a couple of you about my cutting addiction, but yeah i wanted to be dead, tried it once, got really sick... passed it off as the flu. i never even told my therapist. yes i did have a therapist for about nine months i would talk about fluff, shit that doesnt matter so he would think i was ok, tell my mom im ok and let me go. it worked, i have a clean mental bill of health. all this time i was a cutter. i used to cut my palms, my feet, any thing i could keep hidden, i was good at it methodical, clean i only have three scars. i did this because feeling pain was better than the numbness i felt. i did drugs for a high that never seemed to last long enough... i tried almost everything except heroin, heroin scares the shit out of me, i have seen it tear through the lives of too many people i care about. i was a cutter for years, i finaly stopped after i had been dating Lorenzo for a while, about the same time i quit the drugs the drinking the smoking and all that other shit. i quit because he asked me a simple question, he asked me "Why?" and i couldnt answer him. i couldn't answer him, not because i didnt know the answer, but because i couldnt face what was in his eyes. I hated myself... i still do sometimes, i do things that i think are stupid and that the logical part of me knows should be no big deal, but i let them get to me too much. i have always been a cry baby and i try to hide it because i see it as a weakness, but it is because i care. i was also angry at my family and at the damn therapist for not realizing there was something much deeper going on. i forgive them because i hid it, i pretended for so long that i was ok that i eventually had no choice but to be ok.

i always joke about the fact that i am crazy... i'ts not so much that i am crazy as that i know that if i dont watch myself i really will be crazy. depression is treatable, people can get off drugs if they really want to. (i have no sympathy for addicts, they are just continually chosing the life, each day is a new decision and you cant let the drugs make it for you, i dont care what society says or does the choice ultimately needs to be for yourself.) i dont feel these things any more, i cant say i wont or that i haven't for a day or two, hell i had to escape my mothers house because i felt the same cold reach of helplessness coming back. she thinks i abandoned her... i was just trying to fucking survive. but i am glad that i have friends and others who care about me enough to let me know its going to be alright. i fuck things up alot. i dont mean to, it just happens. but its not the end of the world, its not even the end of my world. i think sometimes we all need to keep that in perspective. i want to thank everyone for being my reason to live. those were dark times in my life that i hope never return and i want to thank everyone who got me out of there. thank kathleen for stealing my lighters when i was in high school, thank lorenzo for asking the question, thank my sister for being an ear, thank everyone, just for caring. and i want to thank lindsey for letting me know that its ok to share things... i was originally going to tell all of this just to shelia to help her out, but when i wrote it out i realized it helped me to tell someone so i guess that is why i am putting part of my pathetic past on display