vitamin c

C for chocolate? Ok so I have been very good about not eating junk, but I made brownies this morning and everyone knows you can't make brownies and not eat them, although, I did make 56 cupcakes the other day and not touch a single one. My diet was failing miserably until last week when I found out that I am going to have a little person inhabiting my body for the next eight months. Funny cause I was just talking about how I wasn't going to ever have kids because I am incompetent. So my diet has changed for the better lean protien, few carbs lots of fruit (except grapefruit the bastards!) yogurt and cheese cause I can't drink milk lately, and tons and tons of veggies. So basically I'm eating how I should always have been eating and don't know why I haven't cause I like all the things I listed. Chocolate is no longer a food group, and I have tried eliminating all empty calories, of course try being the operative word, I have succeeded except for today with those wretched wretched brownies. Orange juice is my best friend and my tooth brush is my enemy.

So, I am almost over the whole shock of the matter. I am scared shitless, but starting to get kind of excited. My family took the whole, I'm still getting divorced and going to raise this child on my own thing, better than I thought, they are all psyched, my Nana wants to start shopping already, my grandpa said I can use his amex to my hearts content, and I already have four people planning a baby shower, or showers? This child is coming into a lot of love and support and that takes a big weight off my back.

Granted all's not well in paradise, I'm having mood swings and I'm exhausted, so much so that I thought I was depressed before I found out what was going on, I can't stop using the bathroom, I am thirsty as a friggin camel at a watering hole, I think my breasts are already growing, I'm scared shitless, and my first conversation with my obgyn ended in the phrase "seriously, you need to chill out before you lose this baby, see you on the ninth, remember to come early" this is not cre reassuring to say to someone that is already crying at the drop of a gay and couldn't give up her obsessive compulsive type a control freaking ways if her life depended on it.

But I have I relaxed I have relinquished control of half my responsibilities, and therefore half my raise, because I do not want anything to happen. I am going to have to make a conscience effort to chill, but I will.

Its late and I have to get up and be at the office early cause I forgot the most important part of the things I have to work on at the office silly me. So goodnight moon, goodnight sky, goodnight to the apple of my eye.

I love yall goodnight.

there are no insignificant thoughts.

And that I truly believe. I do think that even if a thought has no significance for one it has significance for someone else or should I say, may, if shared.

So I don't know if I'm being overly picky or what but I didn't like the guy yesterday cause he didn't answer a single question and I didn't like the guy today cause he wouldn't look me in the eye. Although he seemed to genuinely love the y and he has experience to work with what he has and he's not a micro managing asshole. He expects his staff to know what they're doing and to get it done so he does not have to be on their backs. I like that because if they hire someone who tells me I need to be in at eight and chained to my desk till five I will quit or I will die. I know what needs to be done and I get it done. Period doesn't matter if I waltz in at ten or if I jump in at seven I'm there when I need to be and I work the hours I really have to work and then some usually.

So back to the guy today he seemed on the phone to be a cocky bastard but today he just seemed real. He made me nervous cause he wouldn't look at me I felt like I had a booger hanging on my nose or I was hideous or some other reason for avoidance. It was brought up that I might have made him nervous but I can't see that he is potentially my new boss and I can't see how I could. I don't know I'm not gonna get any more hung up over it.

shop around the corner.

I love this movie. You've got mail. I love Meg Ryan I don't know why but she makes me feel like real people can have these incredible loves.

So I am contemplating buying my own home. I want my own home with two bedrooms and a garage, so I can convert the garage into a studio and the second room into an office with walls of books. My dream. My own place. I keep telling myself I can't do it now though I keep talking myself out of it. Why do I do that why do I talk myself out of my dreams?

I love that line "what about you is there someone else?" "no but there is the dream of someone else"

Traveling is one of my dreams. I think ill out off the house, for now at least I'm looking at this movie and seeing new York and thinking of when I was younger and how I always dreamed of going there. There and a million other places. I don't know idi could be happy with a little apartment with no furniture so that I can afford to travel. Tough decision a cozy home all my own or the chance to run around being happy in other places. I wonder how much vacation I get per year, if that could work out? Hmmm I don't know tough choice, home, travel... Well I have no one to travel with at the moment. So a home?

I don't know. So my fever has gone down. I've only slept most of the day. That's good.

Mexican trash

I was gonna title this post cinco mas but I like Mexican trash better. Only five more days till my birthday (yay!) Melissa got my present which was not tix to phantom of the opera, but I think ill live. Ill just have to see it next year.

Speaking of Melissa she has been on my nerves lately. I don't know why buy everything she says to me gets under my nerves and on my skin. Strike that reverse it (ha ha love gene wilder) I dunno.

I have a board meeting on my birthday which sucks but it doesn't really matter cause Rikki works till eight and that means Maggie and aileen will both be at the meet with me till eight. So that just leaves the rest of the party. Ha ha oh well it'll work out cause I said so.

YMCA slave

so the secret affair with myself... not going so well. i think the reason i do not spoil myself anymore is because i don't have enough money... (stupid tuition).

i work for the man... actually i work for a bunch of women, but i work for a classic american institution, i am a YMCA youth counselor... and most days i don't feel like much else. i go to work very obviously i am working, i leave from work i think about going back to work, i go back to work in the afternoon working again... and my grand finale when i come home i talk about work.

i need some interesting habits... i need to start my photography or work on my novel or ... or... or... i have things that are interesting im just so modest about these things that i will never really share them with others... and since my life tends to revolve around others my things that make me what i consider interesting go out the window. i have four novels started... not one or three but four and i don't think i will ever finish any of them, because i tell myself they are no good and im too damned afraid to show them to people so they can tell me if they think otherwise.

i really need to throw this fear thing out the window, it is crap and i don't like it anymore. when i was a little girl i would always seek the acceptance, the praise of my father... now i've grown up and i want that from everyone, but i am more afraid that i will never get it so i hide.

i wish i could be like i was a couple of years ago and just tell everyone to go fuck off if they don't like me the way i am, and i do for the most part but inside i know i will always be that little girl simultaneously wanting attention, and expecting it to never come.