Been stuck in my head for days now

Stupid ipod Commercials

Artist: Feist.
Album: The Reminder
Title: 1234
One Two Three Four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart
Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are
For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart
For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart

Artist: CSS (Cansei de ser sexy)
Album: (i had a hard enough time finding the song)
Title: Music is my hot, hot sex

From all the drugs the one i like more is music
From all the junks the one i need more is music
From all the boys the one i take home is music
From all the ladies the one i kiss is music (muah!)

Music is my boyfriend
Music is my girlfriend
Music is my dead end
Music is my imaginary friend
Music is my brother
Music is my great-grand-daughter
Music is my sister
Music is my favorite mistress

From all the shit the one i gotta buy is music
From all the jobs the one i choose is music
From all the drinks the one i get drunk is music
From all the bitches the one i wannabe is music

Music is my beach house
Music is my hometown
Music is my kingsize bed
Music is where ie meet my friends
Music is my hot hot bath
Music is my hot hot sex
Music is my back rub
Music is where i'd like you to touch

Claro-que-sim Fui escoteira-mirim Direto da escola, não Não ia cheirar cola Nem basquete, pebolim O que eu gosto não é de graça O que gosto não é farsa Tem guitarra, bateria, computador saindo som Alguns dizem que mais alto que um furacão (rhéum) Perto dele eu podia sentir Saía de seu olho e chegava em mim Sentada do seu lado Eu queria encostar Faria o tigela até o sol raiar Debaixo do lençol Ele gemia em ré bemol Fiquei tensa Mas tava tudo bem Ele é fodão, mas eu sei que eu sou também

no hablo portugese dont ask, i dont know, oh wait babel fish.

"Clearly-that-yes I was escoteira - mirim Direct of the school, did not go to smell glue Nor basquete, pebolim What I taste is not of favour What taste is not humbug Has guitar, battery, computer leaving sound Some says that higher than an hurricane (rhéum) Close to it I could feel I left its eye and I arrived in me Seated of its side I I wanted to lean I would make the earthen bowl until the sun to come in sight Underneath of the sheet It I moaned in flat reverse speed I was tense But It tava all good is fodão, but I know that I am also" ok still dont know what it says. i give up.

meth addict cleaning

so i cleaned my whole house with a toothbrush. not because i'm on meth, im no longer a big fan of drugs, havent been for years, never really been a particularly big fan of meth so far as being a fan of drugs can go. just because scrubbing things down like that is good for the soul, turns out i have a lot of work to do so im gonna cut this short, and hope i can get back to it later.

bogo

So I was killing time yet again (this can't last long) and I went to walgreens cause I needed a mascara, ok so need may be a bit of a strong word. But they didn't have the one I wanted so I continued crusing the makeup aisle until I found the lipstick I had been looking for for almost two years now. And it was bogo so I decided to get a mascara too and it came with an eyeliner and I must say it is anything but subtle. I feel kinda tarty, it made me feel better, plus the smell of this lipstick reminds me of a kiss I put on a painting nearly two years ago. And of some naughty looking pictures (I had clothes on I swear!) in other words good memories.

Its funny how a good memory can remind you its time to move forward in life. So let me sigh one more sigh, shed one more tear, and pull my butt off that ground using my own two hands and bootstraps. I know I'm gonna fall down again eventually but that's no reason to delay getting up.

That being said happy birthday to me, well not today but on the 21st if anyone wants me I have decided I will be at whatever jazz club I can find (probably all the way in santa fe) sipping on wine I can't afford looking mysterious and aloof with that little black dress my mom bought me like a month ago, these hot ducking lips, and searing eyes.

I will have a hangover for thanksgiving, but that's ok seeing as I hate that holiday anyway. So its time for me to feel like super woman again, any ideas what I can do to help save my little corner of the world?

Oh well more later right now I'm too cold to sit here but looking too tarty to go inside a camera store at night on east central.

Maybe I should go to the bookstore down the road

oh great, another complex.

I am Not a twenty-two year-old.

ok so at least im not the average twenty-two year-old, i just talk like one.

i've decided im turning 46 this year, that is 23 years with two birthdays per year for a total of 46 years.

i've been watching tv and lately everytime they show a young woman she is pegged as 22. And she is young and pretty and obsessed with sex and has bad posture and cant cook and is generally ditzy, even last night on NCIS there was a 22year old, only this one was a little more realistic, but she was still inarticulate over emotional and couldnt make a decent cup of coffee.

maybe my obsession with this is that i've seen myself as mature for so long that when i see these people portrayed this way its almost like i myself am backsliding into the stereotype.

should this worry me? no. will it? possibly.

so maggie asked me a question the other day, she said "fifteen years from now if you found out i died would you go to my funeral?" and i said i dont know. this started a little game in my head, if this person died would i go to thier funeral.

magster: i honestly dont know, how would i know i dont think im going to know her in fifteen years, this point last year i would have said yes, but we've moved from personal friends to business friends, and thats not conducive to a funeral in fifteen years kinda relationship.

rikki: without a doubt

family: of course

dana: same boat as maggie

him: yeah probably

THM: i dont think his family would appreciate it much

Binky poo: yeah, you know probably. i dont think we'll be talking in fifteen years. but im finally how shall we say, comfortable with the way things were left, not in animosity but in a general life sends you down different paths sort of way.

katwoman: yes

green bean: you know, its sad, but probably not.

the boys: no

hmmm i think im going to get out of a lot of funerals.

chris T: yes

any other chris: no

AP: you know probably because i have a soft spot for that woman

YB: no

pl: just to make sure he's dead

and i cant think of anyone else right now that i can say that yes in fifteen years if i heard you died i would most definitely go to your funeral.

i think the life style we lead has become too fleeting.

Tori Amos' madness is contageous.

Or at least that's what Dana says, I'm inclined to agree. So here I sit waiting for my name to be called so I can be stuck with a needle and bleed out a two pints of blood, to be spun separated so the red blood cells are collected plasma and platelets mixed with room temperature saline and pumped back in to my arm. And the sicko in me is looking forward to this. Ok I don't know if its the sicko or the girl who still wants to save the world. Either way I've been called a sicko twice today. Well twice on that and then again when I said if I were to die in an hour I would rob a bank while fucking. Oh well I am who I am and I can't change it. Everytime I tri I wind up low and wondering who I am. Its much better to just go with the flow.

long time no see

insert good quote here

lets see whats changed since may? where was i in may? nothing and everything has changed, my mom has moved as of yesterday, i have my house, my beautiful puppy, and im happy just for the sake of being happy this week. why? who knows

i didnt go to the fair this year, which is not really that big of a loss, i've started an excercise program for the like millionth time, but this time i feel like i will stick to it. except today because i actually left the house on time and the most practical shoes i have in my trunk are like 3" heels, and thats just not condusive to walking. so i will take a break today, go back to it tomorrow, and figure something out for the weekend, i should actually take flowers (my puppy) to the park, like i've been promising her since forever.

where was i i got distracted by breakfast, convo with the magster and some work... its soo easy for me to lose my train of thought, probably not a good thing.

ok i think im done with this blog. hello world im back, and im almost myself.

my life is a country song.

I fell and twisted my ankle, my account's overdrawn, and I got in a wreck,
My dog is sick, my car charger won't work, and I think I'm getting a chest cold. Yee haw!

So I'm happy the woman let me go cause part of the reason I was freaking out so much is because my insurance lapsed because when they last went to withdraw it my account was overdrawn and I'm driving illegally. But the lady I hit (yes ladies and gentlemen this smart smart person rear ended said good samaritan, while not even on the phone, applying make up or speeding. I was stopped at a red light on montano and Coors, not even one block from work. Well, apparently not stopped.) any way she came out I asked if she was ok and apologized, she looked at her car, looked at mine, said do you have insurance, I said I'm not sure, she asked for my name and number have me hers, and we took off. (maybe cause I was crying and shaking like a leaf?) everything else is pretty self explanitory.

" I like your Christ...

"...But I do not like your Christians, they are so unlike your Christ." -random bumper sticker wisdom

Sadly wisdom that I have had the misfortune of funding to be true. Myself included.

my poor doped up Lover.

Lover got in a fight last week and he had to be taken to the er. He's got one ear stitched up, a drainage tube in his neck, a few other stitches and a great big bandage over one eye. He's been doped up on painkillers the last two days looking at me with his sad brown eyes. It makes me just want to throw my arms around his neck and hold him. I probably would if it wasn't for the tube.

i have a bite and its really quite itchy.

I'm not sure from where or whence it came but it is quite sad.

So I've decided that I have boiled my life down to trivialities. Not intentionally, but rather to avoid the glaring realities, but you know what at this point in my life with my frame of mind being what it is, that's ok.

At this point in my life I need to worry about my fingernails being perfectly polished, and my phone being charged and whether or not my watch is too masculine (again, the hearts do not allow that) because I have spent too much of my life worrying about bills and propriety and the wellfare of others and all the other weighty issues that plague adults. And I have decided that my lessened responsibility these past few weeks are what I need. I am putting forth my resignation to adulthood. At least for now. I am content, an I haven't been able to say that in a long while, there are things that still need mending but they will have to do it on their own. Or wait till I am ready to be bothered because for now I am having too much fun just sitting back and enjoying life as it is, thanking god that I am still on this earth to take these breaths sigh these sighs and think these thoughts, I am really not appreciative enough to him, I have been mad at him and felt slighted lately,I have felt cheated that someone I could love more than any other could not be mine when I wanted most. And I have felt more than my share of anger, because I felt that any god that would offer the gift of bringing life into this world to someone only to snatch it away is no man at all, then of course I remembered, he is no man at all. He has a plan for me and I'm not sure what it is but I am almost willing to accept it. Not completely mind you, I still feel slighted I still feel angry, but I have found something I have not had in a long time... Faith. Faith that everything will work out as it should. Only now, In releasing my death gripp on this world have I been able to find that every day is a gift. And I am lucky just to live and have the ability to laugh tbough it all and be surrounded by love.

Ok I can go back to being trivial now. Its much more comfortable than thinking and feeling.

Hugh Grant is dreamy

I need Nora Jones' CD, her soothing sultry voice is good for the soul.

I'm thoroughly enjoying my day off, oops there goes my phone ringing again

mmmm

Sweet juicy watermelon and tingly aquafina lip gloss strange combo, but its hot me in a happy mood.

So the consumer in me loves costco. The environmentalist in me thinks they are evil and need be destroyed but I got a $100 watch for $24 without having to worry about some shady flea market deal. (not that I would ever deny those shady people a chance to sell me stuff real cheap simply because it fell off a truck. Hell they are doing the world a public service by picking it up off of said fallen truck right?) its cute and durable but kind of heavy. I think there is a problem with my wrist. No matter what kind of watch I get it leans all the way to the top of my wrist and rests there. Never in the center like everyone else. Oh well so the stuff I wear is quirky like the rest of me. Cause my rings turn out away from my body and I have a distinct feeling that my bracelet would top if it weren't shaped for my wrist exactly.

Ne who, enough of that random thought of the day... Why did someone decide to make a hole in a bundt cake? And who decided that soda would make a good ingredient. I think I should go cook dinner I'm hungry. And now I can't get my mind off of soda flavored bundt cake.

mmmm

three fifty fucking one

3.51 a gallon, are they shitting me?

Don't these people think I have better things to do than spend forty bucks and some change on a tank of gas?

Damn bastards.

three fifty fucking one

hello Clarice

Ok so I'm not nearly as intimidating as Anthony Hopkins, but its still fun to say. So here I wait for my unhealthy lunch of wingbsaket and lemonade and I am pondring men.

I don't get them what gives men the urge to attack bigger things, and after they get beat down they still say bring it, but then they say they have a weapon. Ok maybe not real men. Real men wouldn't really need to fight for no reason.ha! I dunno babbling. I think I need coffee and more than four and a half hours of sleep. I got used to sleep its kinda nice.

So I am going through a change of position and while I think its gonna take me longer to deal with everything else aka paying things rent etc. I am a much happier person. Almost pleasant even. Its amazing. Although Jason was still calling me madam grumpy pants, but he thinks he's part pirate and answers the phone by saying yarg! When he knos its me calling.

Ha ha thought I posted this yesterday, turns out I just saved a draft. That's ok it didn't really say much anyway.

being blonde is overrated.

So is being a redhead.

So I'm going back to bring a dark brunette. I miss it it made me feel sultry. So in ten minutes I will be a brunette again, assuming this color will come out like it is supposed to unlike the others.

being blonde is overrated.

So is being a redhead.

Max Erhmann

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Paul showed me this, i think this is when i started getting along with him, there may be more to the man than the jackass boss.

crispy on the outside, ooey gooey goodness inside

Why is baking theraputic? And why am I worrying so much about him? Grrr! Its not my fault and there is nothing I can do.

So why do I feel like a royal turd?

ha ha thanks Mr walker.

So I just received a letter from my 18 year old self. Included was a list of 50 things I have to do before I die. I would probably change the list now but ill post what I wrote then.

1. Finish this list.
2. Own a bugatti and a ducatti, or a porche and a corvette.
3. Be happy.
4. Get married and never divorce.
5. Go to Europe.
6. Make a college fund for my child.
7. Visit a third world country and make a difference.
8. Save a spiecies.
9. Visit a rainforest.
10. Visit the world, all continents.
11. Visit Egypt.
12. Paint my self portrait.
13. Build a dream home.
14. Become a Dr., a well loved Dr.
15. Learn to fly.
16. Skydiving.
17. Create a business, resturant maybe?
18. Play in a sand dune.
19. Save a life.
20. Scuba dive.
21. Kiss on top of the eiffel tower.
22. Swim in all 7 seas.
23. Keep a piece of a glacier.
24. Create a darkroom.
25. Use my 15 minutes of fame.
26. Publish a photo in rolling stone.
27. Get rid of paper in schools.
28. Learn how to ski.
29. Own a. Flesh colored sharpie.
30. Be organized for one month.
31. Own all Disney cartoons on DVD.
32. Draw really great super heroes.
33. Win something big.
34. Read the bible.
35. Read the complete works of William Shakespeare.
36. Write a book, possibly publish it.
37. Always stay true to my friends.
38. Always stay true to myself.
39. Make one person happy daily for the rest of my life.
40. Make a million dollars.
41. Start a charity.
42. Never hate people.
43. Own 1000 sharpies @ once.
44. Ride the worlds longest roller coaster.
45. Swim w/ sharks.
46. Floss every day.
47. Do something before its due.
48. Have something named after me.
49. Read gone with the wind.
50. Be in a band.

I think I've found a new red. Thanks Susie. I'm going to bed all, too much wine and I have to wake up and do CPR in the morning.

dear god,

Forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who have trespassed against us
Give us this day our daily bread
Gloria Espiritu Santo
What language do you speak
If you speak at all?
Are you some kind of freak
Who lives to raise the ones who fall?
Hey, would you tell me why
The cat fights the dog?
Do you go to the Mosque
Or the Synagogue?
And if our fates have all been wrapped around your finger
And if you wrote the script then why the troublemakers?
How do you do?
How does it feel to be so high
And are you happy?
Do you ever cry?
... I sometimes cry ...
You've made mistakes
Well that's OK 'cause we all have
But if I forgive yours
Will you forgive mine?
Hey, do you feel our pain
And walk in our shoes?
Have you ever felt starved
Or is your belly always full?
How many people die
And hurt in your name?
Hey, does that make you proud
Or does it bring you shame?
And if our fates have all been wrapped around your finger
And if you wrote the script then why the troublemakers?
Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory
Amen!

its muggy out,

All I want to do lately is sleep. I don't feel like writing drawing painting, or even paying attention to what's on TV. I do things because I worry about myself. I make myself go out. I haven't even felt like buying shoes lately. I can't keep going on like this. Hopefully the change or atleast the hope of change, prospect of it? Will make me snap out a little, cause it seems to be getting worse not better.

Breathe (2 AM)

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason
'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

May he turn 21 on the base at Fort Bliss
"Just a day" he said down to the flask in his fist,
"Ain't been sober, since maybe October of last year."
Here in town you can tell he's been down for a while,
But, my God, it's so beautiful when the boy smiles,
Wanna hold him. Maybe I'll just sing about it.
Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table.
No one can find the rewind button, boys,
So cradle your head in your hands,
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

There's a light at each end of this tunnel,You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever
be out
And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
If you only try turning around.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to



Cold
Looking back at me I see
That I never really got it right
I never stopped to think of you
I'm always wrapped up in
Things I cannnot win
What I really meant to say
Is I'm sorry for the way I am
I never meant to be so cold
Never meant to be so cold
To you, I'm sorry about all the lies
Maybe in a different light
You could see me stand on my own again
Cause now I can see
You were the antidote that got me by
Something strong like a drug that got me high
I never meant to be so cold
I never really wanted you to see
The screwed up side of me that I keep
Locked inside of me so deep
It always seems to get to me
I never really want you to go
So many things you should know
I guess for me theres just no hope

i hate ipods

ok so i hate everything right now. i've been in a very bad mood for the last two months, not the kind of bad where i am angry but bad like a complete emotional wreck. im either angry or sad or nonplussed all of the time. and im kind of sick of it.

i've got all sorts of unneccessary paranoia.

and this is the first real thing i have written in a long time.

im sitting ehre trying to get myself to track down when this all started.
i cant pinpoint a date. of course i had some emotional issues with the pregnancy and then with the miscarriage. but... was it before that? im reading back and even in my blog i said that i thought i was depressed before i realized what was going on and then i just blamed it all on hormones.

i dont know why i even bother. i hate the fucking anti depressants and i dont like therapists, no offense, but its just not for me, but lately im feeling so helpless and so overwhelmed, and im not a helpless person.. and i dont know if it is me or something else.

maybe i've just lost it and i should go to the funny farm and just deal with it all later.

i guess im not supposed to be a blonde.

Or even a cool brunette. I tried dying my hair an ash brown with golden highligts it came out chocolate with caramel highlights, very tasty but not what I was going for. So I tried going for a dark blonde and wound up with a mousey brown which as a color sounds bad but actually I like. I don't think I'm ever gonna be a blonde unless I try for say, platnium, but that's not happening any time soon. I don't want to look like a hoochy with no style and I definitely don't want to overprocess my hair. Maybe that's my problem I'm not willing to fry it.

Ok so there's my vain little rant for the day I have a lot to talk about I just have no time hopeduly that will change this week and I can. I just wanted to let you guys all two of you know that I am still alive. Love ya!

just shoot me.

you've been my golden best friend
now with post-demise at hand
can't go to you for consolation
cause we're off limits during this transition
this grief overwhelms me
it burns in my stomach
and I can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
but I was sadly mistaken

you've been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment I met you
with you I knew god's face was handsome
with you I suffered an expansion
this loss is numbing me
it pierces my chest
and I can't stop dropping everything

I thought we'd be sexy together
thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
but I was sadly mistaken

if I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
if I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
if I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
my wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
thought we'd be adventurous together
but I was sadly mistaken

thought we'd be exploring together
thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying together
thought we'd be on fire together
but I was sadly mistaken

Exactly a month ago i lost all hope of having my child. i like deluding myself into thinking it was just one, its hard enough to cope with losing just one. exactly a month ago he helped me through it. who's here to help me through this.

they're gonna have to do a D&C. im scared. i probably wont even tell anyone im going, ive said it was a possibility but now its a certainty. they dont need to know they worry to much anyway. they dont need to know anything thats going on in my life. i'll just put on the happy face and all will be dandy. i'll just say yeah, i have a doctors appointment and i'll be out for the rest of the day. oh, why am i in such a bad mood, oh you know the usual, my heart is broken, im feeling defective, im afraid i'll never be able to bear children and today will have been in vain. i'll never have a family and i pushed away the one man i know would love me for the rest of his life... haha you know that old bag.

ok so maybe i need to work on my smart ass comments.

That i would be good even if i did nothing
That i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
That i would be good if i got and stayed sick
That i would be good even if i gained ten pounds

That i would be fine even even if i went bankrupt
That i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
That i would be great if i was no longer queen
That i would be grand if i was not all knowing

That i would be loved even when i numb myself
That i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
That i would be loved even when i was fuming
That i would be good even if i was clingy

That i would be good even if i lost sanity
That i would be good
Whether with or without you

weathermen suck

Its supposed to be mostly cloudy right now... if you check out yahoo weather, right now its 40-some degrees and mostly cloudy. if you go outside theres not a cloud for miles, and its already high fiftys low sixties... ok whatever.

so a lot has happened this weekend... well not really alot but one major thing that got me started thinking... i wont go into detail because of privacy issues, those that need to know what happened already do and the rest of you, well the rest of you can suck my foot... or at least you could if i didnt have so many foot issues.... eww! any who.

so im sitting here re-evaluating my life. loss does that, or fear of loss, i should say. and as im sitting here i realize i dont really have a direction. im going somewhere. ive actually started getting there fast, but where is it that im headed. its not somewhere i've chosen... its somehwere i've happened upon.

so what am i doing where am i headed what about love.

i try to look ten years down the line and it is bleak. im still at the y still putting in tons of hours and getting nowhere. i have a child, about four years old, and im feeling trapped and worried about raising it on my own. or i can be childless... not a path i want for myself.

so... i dont know.. i dont know whats going through my head. i think i need time off to sit and think and think everything through.. i need time to mourn. i need time to myself. maybe a weekend will work, shut off my phone head out of town. i need to take care of myself and face the deamons i've been running from. but im afraid. im afraid i cant stand on my own two feet for the time it will take to get through everything.

i dont know
im babbling

im sleepy and i dont wanna go to work in the morning.

Ah 645 my favorite time of day, oh wait, no, no its not that's right. Ha.

Keep holding on
When my brain's tickin' like a bomb
Guess the black bots have come
Again to get me
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along mocking bird
You don't affect me
That's right
Deliverance of my heart
Wait
I'm coming undone
Unlaced
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong's
So delicate
Wait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong's
So delicate
Choke choke again
I find my demons are my friends
Getting me in the end
They're out to get me
Since I was young
I've tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet little hum
Does not protect me
I'm trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like i'm not getting better
Not getting better

when youre older youll find that all trains are impotent.

Ha ha I haven't seen this movie in forever. Dennis reminds me of my brother and Margaret reminds me of me. I need to go out more, I just done feel like it yet.

best buy and Steve Madden are evil.

I need to stop comforting myself with material things. And Steve Madden needs to stop designing shoes I absolutely must have. But I weigh the consequences, material things, or chocolate, seeing as I haven't really been hungry lately and chocolate still upsets my stomach (now I know for sure its a head case thing) ill stick to Mia, Steve, rocket dogs, tribecca, and my completely eccletic collection of CDs to help me get through this. Lord help me I'm going to be broke for all eternity. But I got some cool CD's she wants revenge, tori Amos, fiona appel, and fall out boy oh yeah and tatu and somethin else. Hmmm ok so maybe I didn't need them all but all the shoes stayed in the store don't I get brownie points for that?


Ok so its way to late for me to still be up seeing as I am forcing myself to go to work tomorrow. And I need to get some labwork done befor I head to the office. Goody!

Night people I love yall, except Melissa, whom I still love but don't particularly like right now. Ill probably call her tomorrow, I can't be mad at my sister forever. Ok so I could but I refuse.

One thing im sure of is
that we will always be
even though the road seems to get a little rough
it's for you i live
i can do anything
and it will never be too much
in my darkest hour you
are there to light the way
and when i'm down you always lift me up again
you know me better than i know myself
you comfort me and let me know
with you i'm gonna win

Walk with me hand in hand
we help each other understand how to go through
there will never be a day
that we'll grow apart
so we'll forever be together hand in hand
somethimes i'm wrong and even in that case
you didn't go away you stayed rihgt next to me
as time goes on i realize
that you're for me
and i will love you for eternity


Why is there nothing ever on TV past 10? The karate kid is supposed to be on but its some mob movie, I don't remener the karate kid ever being in the mob. I could be wrong. Oof even that one have way to infomercials. Mr t is on the christsb channel talking about how he used to wear 40 lbs of gold. I think its time to try to go to sleep again.

Good night moon, good night sky, goodnight apple of my eye.

squack squack!

I think I've finally stopped bleeding. One can only hope.

squack squack!

John Mayer makes really funny faces when he sings.

AKA, life goes on.

So the sun came up this morning and I was almost surprised.

I don't think I can ever look at him again and hell never know why.

Artist:John Mayer Album:continuum Title:Gravity


Gravity, is working against me
And Gravity, wants to bring me down
Oh, Ive never known what makes this man
With all the love that this heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Gravity is working against me
And Gravity, it wants to bring me down
Oh, twice as much aint twice as good
And cant sustain like one half could
Its wanting more that's gonna set me to my knees

Gravity, stay the hell away from me
And Gravity, has taken better man than me
Now how can that be
Just keep me where the light is


The Heart of Life

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends Will defend the silver lining

so apparently thats not an option.

One out of every four women experience bleeding during the first half of their pregnancy. Half of those will have happy healthy babies half of those will miscarry. We don't know why there is nothing you did wrong, there is nothing you void have done to prevent this. You could have been laying on your back having someone feed you grapes and the same thing would have happened. The risks are the same for someone taking it easy at home as they are for someone working 100 hours a week. You could have gone bungee jumping last week and been fine. We don't know why this happens but it does. What I can tell you is that a woman who has one Miscarriage has the same chnce of having a happy healthy baby as a woman who has never had one.

Its amazing how I can remember what he said exactly and I still have no clue what day it is.

i want to curl up and die.

That's all there isn't any more.

potato soup.

How can something so simple taste so good?
Potato soup, aka "caldo"

Potatoes, meat (chicken pork, beef, whatever you have), one half onion, salt and pepper, water. Cook meat till its starts to brown, add cubed potatoes, cook about half way add chopped onion, cook until transparent, add water salt and pepper to taste. Boil about 10 mins and ta da! Instant happiness.

Here's where I stand:

My hormone levels dropped yesterday. I have an appointment tomorrow, I am going stir crazy and want to go back to work Thursday. Ok so I'm going crazy but I've pretty much stopped bleeding so I'm gonna chill a little.

12.5 hours later...

And I know about as much as I went in with. They don't know why I'm bleeding. But since my ultra sound, my hormone screen, and the millions of other tests they ran came back normal, I may not be having a miscarriage. But there's still the chance I may. Woo who! Twelve and a half hours and seventy five dollars later to be back where I was. At least I'm not bleeding as much anymore.

i wanna go home.

Here I sit in the er and alli want is to go home. I've been spotting all day, all weekend really buy particularly bad today,and now I'm bleeding, and now here I sit in the er thinking that I could just be sitting around at home. The triage nurse told me not to worry unless I start bleeding like I'm in a horror movie. So yay! Something to look forward to. I don't know. I really do not want to be miscarrying but I think its happening.

I will post more later when I know what is going on.

misnomer

They say morning sickness I say morning wellness, cause I'm kinda screwed over for the rest of the day.

Is it to early in my healthy eating habits for my body to be rejecting. Chocolate? Or is it coincidence that I have gotten ill two days in a row after eating a brownie? I give up. Ill stick to broccoli.

So I read too much but it let's me know I'm ok. So what is normal for the first trimester by the end of the first month the heart is beating the brain nervous system arms and legs start to form and the baby is the size of a ourze of rice, during the second month (where I am) all organs are fully formed fingers toes arms and legs can move and the baby is the size of a grape.

Ooh intresting. The normal things for a body,
"you may feel tired." or you know, completely exhausted.
"You may have an upset stomach and you may throw up" you may be afraid of brushing your teeth or drinking milk.
"You may have sore breasts" yeah. Sore kinda itchy and real sensitive.
"You may gain or lose weight." Uh ok?
"you may need to urinate more" like every twenty minutes.
"you may feel moody or 'cranky' like before or during your period." I believe the term is heinous bitch.
"you may also feel afraid or happy, that's normal" how about both at the same time?

So apparently I'm completely normal. That makes me happy. Well maybe not happy but at least feeling a little better.

vitamin c

C for chocolate? Ok so I have been very good about not eating junk, but I made brownies this morning and everyone knows you can't make brownies and not eat them, although, I did make 56 cupcakes the other day and not touch a single one. My diet was failing miserably until last week when I found out that I am going to have a little person inhabiting my body for the next eight months. Funny cause I was just talking about how I wasn't going to ever have kids because I am incompetent. So my diet has changed for the better lean protien, few carbs lots of fruit (except grapefruit the bastards!) yogurt and cheese cause I can't drink milk lately, and tons and tons of veggies. So basically I'm eating how I should always have been eating and don't know why I haven't cause I like all the things I listed. Chocolate is no longer a food group, and I have tried eliminating all empty calories, of course try being the operative word, I have succeeded except for today with those wretched wretched brownies. Orange juice is my best friend and my tooth brush is my enemy.

So, I am almost over the whole shock of the matter. I am scared shitless, but starting to get kind of excited. My family took the whole, I'm still getting divorced and going to raise this child on my own thing, better than I thought, they are all psyched, my Nana wants to start shopping already, my grandpa said I can use his amex to my hearts content, and I already have four people planning a baby shower, or showers? This child is coming into a lot of love and support and that takes a big weight off my back.

Granted all's not well in paradise, I'm having mood swings and I'm exhausted, so much so that I thought I was depressed before I found out what was going on, I can't stop using the bathroom, I am thirsty as a friggin camel at a watering hole, I think my breasts are already growing, I'm scared shitless, and my first conversation with my obgyn ended in the phrase "seriously, you need to chill out before you lose this baby, see you on the ninth, remember to come early" this is not cre reassuring to say to someone that is already crying at the drop of a gay and couldn't give up her obsessive compulsive type a control freaking ways if her life depended on it.

But I have I relaxed I have relinquished control of half my responsibilities, and therefore half my raise, because I do not want anything to happen. I am going to have to make a conscience effort to chill, but I will.

Its late and I have to get up and be at the office early cause I forgot the most important part of the things I have to work on at the office silly me. So goodnight moon, goodnight sky, goodnight to the apple of my eye.

I love yall goodnight.

music and lyrics

I stand in line for todays hottest romantic comedy and I'm am surrounded by disgustingly happy couples and I can't help but wonder how many of these people are actually disgustingly happy and not just pretending to be for the sake of the date. Who knows I'm half tempted to ask them all but somethings are better left in answered, besides, I'd like to think prole can love one another even if it is fake and only for one day.

my list

El nino
Bologna
March of dimes
Patricia Johnson
America
Exhaustion
World heath organizaion
Hormones
Colds

I'm sure there's more I had the list pretty long before I left work today. But thatll do for now I need sleep.

Tommy Mara and the saints

So I had to drop off the face of the planet for a few hours. I went to an appointment and came back to 13 text messages 10 missed calls and seven voicemail. After that and hearing some news I had to drop off the planet. Alas I sick at it. So here I am at home watching some old movie on the Christian family channel with a Maureen O'hara look alike and censoring myself oh here. I had Bette go to bed seeing as I have to go to Ventana ranch at 645 tomorrow Morning and I am exhausted as it is.

hmmm 4 am and the worlds asleep.

Artist: Natasha Bedingfield
Album: Unwritten
Title: Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I think my parents are fighting, I went to the kitchen to get some water and my dad was sleeping on the couch. My parents never sleep together any more but this was still strange my dad never sleeps on the couch no matter how pissed one of them is. My mom wakes up when my dad goes to sleep at like six am but on a day like today if he's sleeping before six they usually sleep in the same bed. I dunno either that or he's sitting alone in the dark again. I really don't understand why those two are still married.

Whatever, not my crown of thorns.

I love you Susie. Ill try to get some sleep now.

Marissa Marie

Eight pounds ten ounces, 28 1/2 inches long she didn't have a baby she pushed out a butterball. Thirteen hours of labor. Holy hell. Well congratulations.

I have treated myself today, Maggie called me for a manicure just before I did my own, I got a hair cut, I went to dinner at my favorite resturant just because I wanted the soup, and I watched a movie all by myself. It was quite lovely. And now I think I will go to bed, I gotta help Aileen in the morning I forgot I promised her on Friday id help her with her budget.

maru

my nipples hurt.

I have no clue why they hurt like hell it just started randomly. So my cousin has started having contractions. This is disturbing to me I can't imagine having a baby now and I have a job and I'm pretty stable and am much older than her, I don't think I'm ready and don't know if I ever will be, but here she is bearly turned 16 and has started going into labor. I don't know, if my Nana can do it at that age and my mom did it at 19 its possible, I just think its crazy.

I'm feeling better, after my little woe is me self pity party earlier I cried myself to sleep for a few hours and I woke up realizing I think that's the first time I've relaxed in a very long time. Lately I've been sleeping cause I make myself or out of sheer exhaustion. I'm not feeling so drained anymore its amazing what a good cry and a few hours will do. I'm tired again but its not exhaustion now its just general sleepiness I don't know if I should fight it or just give in that would be a solid 12 hours of sleep if I do fall asleep, but you know what I think I need it. I think I need to stop fighting what feels good. So goodnight moon goodnight sky, goodnight to the apple of my eye. I love you I love you I love you goodnight.

i smell like shalimar

And its driving me insane.

She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave him everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come loving up on her
Give a little, then take it back
She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot them down
Lord he loved to make her cry
You're crazy for believing
You'll ever leave the ground
He said, Only angels know how to fly
And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

I am exhausted in every way possible. All I want right now is to curl up in a warm set of arms and bawl my eyes out. I'm not very particular about whose arms right now, which is probably a bad thing. Lover is laying right next to me snoring away and I can't help but wish he understood so I could tell him everything. He's the only one who hugs me lately, but its not the same, paws dig and and if I hug him back he tries to lick my face.

I fought with the bank today and last night and I fought with him and everythings as it should be, but I feel empty. I felt bad today I looked at his arms and I looked at his chest and I couldn't help but think how easy it would be to slip in them and rest my head. I didn't and I'm glad but I was tempted, I'm so fucking lonely physically its sad. I had no desire to sleep with him but, to be held, I just want to be held, its almost to the point of being a need. I should shut up there's people in Somalia that need food there's people down the block that need education hell there's people in this house that need help, being held us not a need. I am stronger than that. Everythings just dandy.

I'm just imbalanced and I think maybe I should go to the doctor and see if it is sleep or stress or hormones or even my biggest dread, the d word again. and I should take care of it. I just don't have the strength to fight it right now. I need to take care of myself but I really don't care. And that's bad.

Eek!

So tomorrow I get to testify in front of the senate on behalf of the nmccea to raise the poverty level to 200% for state child care contracts. I am still sick and I have to be up and presentable and across town ready to go to Santa fe by 645 tomorrow morning. I am not looking forward to that. I am kinda enjoying this class but I wish they didn't have to cram in a whole semester into a week. My site directors seem lost and I've realized I am waay underpaid. But I love the y. I am nervous. Very very nervous. I like this feeling though I haven't been to the roundhouse, and I haven't been in the senate chambers in years I kind of like the feeling, the chance to make a difference. I think as much as I hate politicians I would make a great one. Thank you Susie for turning me into a charmer.

expired

They still say I'm not dying, I don't call waking up unable to breathe at three am living. But ill believe them. Still haven't had my aunt visit although she sent her friends. Oh well I'm not worried, I haven't done anything in way too long to worry snout.

So I'm having a moral dilemma, possibly brought on by the fever. I have a friend, I'm not gonna mention her name we'll call her... Mamasita. Mamasita just got her divorce finalized, like day befor yesterday. She is pregnant, due in July and I just found out the woman her ex husband cheated on her with is also pregnant, not sure when she's due, nor do I really care cause I don't know her. So my dilemma is that I want to help Aileen, she's good people, but she's like me she's proud and won't take it. I give her flowers and tell her she looks beautiful and try to help her mentaly but I know if I were to, say, go out and buy a supply of diapers or a crib, that she would be furious. So how do I help her, her husband's a heel and useless. Oh ex. Ok drea we can't save the world, hey I could just sneak in and hide her stuff in the preschool like under her desk.

I dunno am I crazy, I'm a little crazy its alright though. My new assistant patricia asked me if I needed to be set up, what is it with people wanting to set me up do I look lonely or am I just that bitchy when I don't get any? Well I kinda left myself open for that one, she invited me to a valentines day social, and I asked her if there would be any hot single guys there and she said drea, do you need to be set up that could be arranged. Ha ha. I told her I have enough men problems without throwing another one in the mix. She looked surprised.

I am so thirsty you don't even know. I feel slightly better than yesterday I don't think I need to go to the Dr. I do wish I had some black walnut tincture I think this thing would have been gone already. Oh well.

Speaking of black walnut I heard through the grapevine aka Kat that she's pregnant with a little girl, somehow I never saw that one coming. I just read her blog recently and the last post is in November about someone peeing in a coffee shop, you'd think if you were pregnant you'd be happy and tell the world. I don't know I wish her baby the best of luck.

Oh my the cough syrup jitters are going away and I'm getting sleepy. And its only five am

Its taken me six hours to watch this movie. And its still not over this Brian guy spends 99 percent of the time falling down. I would not want him to be my firefighter. Although he's kinds cute and Kurt Russel is hot.oops I think he just died

sick and dying

Ok so I'm not dying and I'm not sick. Ok so maybe I'm actually sick AGAIN! But I've been informed I'm not dying.

I hate preschoolers with their cute little germy hugs and adorable germ covered presents. Grrr.

So what are my issues, what are the last things I talked about? How long has it been? Does it really take a major cold to get me to slow down enough to blog?

Paul Lwali,(Polly wolly doodle all day! sorry couldn't help it) my new boss, issue numero uno. I haven't decided how I feel about Paul, there are moments when I think he could be a pretty cool guy and then there are the times that I just wanna punch him in the nose. But I wanna punch everyone in the nose lately. Ok here's how I feel he's competent he's personable he will take the westside to new heights, he was actually my favorite choice for new exec because of the way he wants to change things. Personality flaws are secondary, I don't necesisarily need to like my boss, he's not my direct supervisor and he's the kind of person who is smart enough to apologize after pissing me off. But I think I actually will like him once he gets used to the way things are out here.

Issue numero deux, salary. Grrr! I really wish I knew what my new salary was gonna be. Its driving me insane and I'm equally hoping its not going to much more than I'm making now because I don't want to realize I'm THAT underpaid, and hoping that it is much more than I'm making now cause I could really use the money. Watch it be like 50 cents ill be pissed. The only thing I know is that the budget was not set up to support it and I was budgeted for twenty seven so do I dare hope for thirty, I'm easily worth thirty five without a degree. But I don't dare hope for that. All I know is that right now I'm getting the shaft and not the good kind.

Speaking of not getting the good kind of shaft, someone who's name I will not mention gave someone else who's name I also won't mention my personal cell phone number, had this been anyone other than the psychoanalyst that called me a liar I might be ok with that, wait, no, no, still not ok, but since this guy is clueless and irritatingly persistant I find myself highly annoyed.

I keep dozing off, I need to send out those valentines cards. I hate valentines day all that icky l word stuff. Is it bad that I'm thinking about sending off valenines cards when I look over and see Christmas presents still neatly stacked in the corner? But to my defense the mailbox is much closer than the post office. And I even have stamps. Oh crap its my dads birthday.

food for thought.

Who came up with that expression? Why is our society obsessed with food?

So. I am starting a fitness program. I was gonna start tomorrow but I decided there's no time like the present. As part of this finess program I am supposed to keep a journal. 12 goals (10 short two long term) activities I did what I've eaten and how I feel about it. What my mood is like and five things I like about myself. Oh and one daily goal for the next day. Am I gonna do that on here? Hell no! But ill do todays just for the hell of it. Oh yeah I'm also supposed to take nearly naked pictures of myself front and back and measurments. I'm dreading that part. But if I'm going to commit to this thing I'm going to commit I have to start someday and it might as well be now. Ok so here goes the start and only public part of my fitness journal. (wish me luck on the next ten weeks!).

2 long term goals one physical one spiritual, ok physical is easy, I want to avoid having a heart attack and diabetes by the time I'm 30. Spiritual, I would like to look in the mirror a year from today and say damn I'm hot! And to feel it through and through.

Ten short term five physical five spiritual.
1. Hmmm. Get through this program for ten weeks.
2. To drop at least one dress size.
3. To realize chocolate is a treat not a dietary staple.
4. To drink as much water as I should
5. To sleep at least seven hours straight, nightly.
1. To control my road rage.
2. To appreciate the little things
3. To believe people when they say I'm pretty.
4. To fight for my self worth
5. To stop sweating the small stuff.

Activities I have done, right now, nothing, by the end of the day, this will change.

What I have eaten,
Tuna salad and crackers. Some flaming hot lays.
Chicken alfedo on ziti.
Mixed veggies.

How I feel about this, well not too good, the carbs have made me kinda sleepy, and potato chips and pasta are not diet food. But seeing as I have had no candy no leftover Christmas cookies and none of that cheesecake in the fridge, I'm doing better. But now I really want a glass of milk, I wonder if I can get her to start buying 2%?

How I feel, kinda sleepy, determined, nervous for some reason. What's bothering me? The pseudo-hook up from last night. What's making me happy? Someone loves me.

Five things I like about me... Uh, my pretty manicure, my beautiful eyes, my ummm, damnit I have to do this every day? Uh my newfound control in my life, my car, my curiosity.

Tomorrow I want to complete all my work before 300.

Eh that's not so bad. I can do that daily and it gives me an excuse to go out and buy a new journal on Friday.