i smell like shalimar

And its driving me insane.

She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave him everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come loving up on her
Give a little, then take it back
She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot them down
Lord he loved to make her cry
You're crazy for believing
You'll ever leave the ground
He said, Only angels know how to fly
And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

I am exhausted in every way possible. All I want right now is to curl up in a warm set of arms and bawl my eyes out. I'm not very particular about whose arms right now, which is probably a bad thing. Lover is laying right next to me snoring away and I can't help but wish he understood so I could tell him everything. He's the only one who hugs me lately, but its not the same, paws dig and and if I hug him back he tries to lick my face.

I fought with the bank today and last night and I fought with him and everythings as it should be, but I feel empty. I felt bad today I looked at his arms and I looked at his chest and I couldn't help but think how easy it would be to slip in them and rest my head. I didn't and I'm glad but I was tempted, I'm so fucking lonely physically its sad. I had no desire to sleep with him but, to be held, I just want to be held, its almost to the point of being a need. I should shut up there's people in Somalia that need food there's people down the block that need education hell there's people in this house that need help, being held us not a need. I am stronger than that. Everythings just dandy.

I'm just imbalanced and I think maybe I should go to the doctor and see if it is sleep or stress or hormones or even my biggest dread, the d word again. and I should take care of it. I just don't have the strength to fight it right now. I need to take care of myself but I really don't care. And that's bad.