weathermen suck

Its supposed to be mostly cloudy right now... if you check out yahoo weather, right now its 40-some degrees and mostly cloudy. if you go outside theres not a cloud for miles, and its already high fiftys low sixties... ok whatever.

so a lot has happened this weekend... well not really alot but one major thing that got me started thinking... i wont go into detail because of privacy issues, those that need to know what happened already do and the rest of you, well the rest of you can suck my foot... or at least you could if i didnt have so many foot issues.... eww! any who.

so im sitting here re-evaluating my life. loss does that, or fear of loss, i should say. and as im sitting here i realize i dont really have a direction. im going somewhere. ive actually started getting there fast, but where is it that im headed. its not somewhere i've chosen... its somehwere i've happened upon.

so what am i doing where am i headed what about love.

i try to look ten years down the line and it is bleak. im still at the y still putting in tons of hours and getting nowhere. i have a child, about four years old, and im feeling trapped and worried about raising it on my own. or i can be childless... not a path i want for myself.

so... i dont know.. i dont know whats going through my head. i think i need time off to sit and think and think everything through.. i need time to mourn. i need time to myself. maybe a weekend will work, shut off my phone head out of town. i need to take care of myself and face the deamons i've been running from. but im afraid. im afraid i cant stand on my own two feet for the time it will take to get through everything.

i dont know
im babbling