this is depressing

I can't go anywhere. The entire city is frozen the governor has declared a state of emergency. The mayor has pleaded that everyone stay in. The city has had 12-24 inches and 9000 people have had their power knocked out, and there are people who have been stranded on the interstate for three days.

This is all sad, but you want to know the worst thing? I can't drive my ducking car. Ok so its not the end of the world, but I really would like to get out of this place. But even if I could go somewhere things are closed all over the city so I have nowhere to go.

Ok I'm done being a spoiled American whiney little bitch happy new year, I like most of the city am stuck at home with no champagne or anything festive.

whatever lola wants...

Hmmm I need to change my name to lola so I can get all I want.

I got a beautimus car. She's so pretty her name is Bonnie Blue Butler (yes from gone with the wind) she is my ion2 quad Coupe that I fell in love with last year. She's a little more expensive than I hoped for, but she's also a little more loaded than I hoped for, and ill be refinancing here soonish anyway.

I haven't gotten to drive her much cause its been snowing like mad, they say they expect up to ten inches. So I can't open the sun roof or play with the power windows (you don't know how happy I am to not have to fight with that crank) but hopefully it will be warmer tomorrow.

Ok I just wanted to post that I'm happy. I'm kinds tired and I think ill go to sleep now.

my knight in big green truck.

so i would like to say thank you to eric, my sisters man for picking me up for work since i was too dizzy to drive and for fixing my car, and thanks to a banking error on my part, paying for the parts to fix said piece of crap car that has begun breaking down every other week. ( and its never on the weeks i get paid) im fixing it only because im giving it to my mother otherwise i would have it go to the scrapyard.

i am going to buy a new car, well possibly a used car, but it will be a certified used car if it is used, im looking for something with a warranty. the way i see it, if Lorenzo can qualify to buy a brand new Ion, i can at least get a Kia. My Sammy will become my mothers because she needs a car more than i need a down payment.

my insurance contract is up on december 28th so that works out nicely i will just drop both of those cars from the policy and add my new one. time to start shopping.

hmmm

i would like something sporty, something cute... but at this point... ill take a pinto with a new engine. grrr its times like this that i hate the fact that i really know nothing about cars... i guess i oughta get off my hiney and do some research seeing as i have decided friday (or maybe saturday depending on if i can get off early) is D-day and i will get it then. i wish i could afford my mini but noooo....

i figure i need something safe, i need to spend about 200 a month, and maybe 150 on insurance... in order to still be able to comfortably afford an apartment... about 300 and 200 in order to be able to afford one at all and i can go higher than that if i resign myself to living at home. speaking of resigning myself to living at home...

my mother flipped out earlier, because i told her i was going to be purchasing a car this weekend. i told her i was giving her mine and she started freaking out even more, i was hoping to move out in february, but she was saying that she is going to need me at home to help out for a while... lovely. well this works out ok i guess... sunny side up... i will simply help her out, and put the rest of what would be rent to the side this will be my furniture fund, my tax refund will go in the same savings, and when i move out i will be set, and if i do this diligently not only will i have furniture, but i will be able to pay my rent a couple months in advance... meanwhile im buying a bed... if im gonna be there for a while i am getting a bed, that cot has got to go.

new years resolutions, ok maybe not new years seeing as im gonna start on these today december 26th is the same deal. so december 26th is my new year.

1. start eating right... even if that means avoiding mom's dinner like the plague (as im finishing my breakfast of chocolate chip cookies and cinnamon chocolate covered pecans)
2. excercise in the mornings... i felt much better when i would go running in the morning, im sure i can figure something out here
3. maintain financial stablitity (even if it means not buying new shoes each week)
4. maintain savings (meaning no more bailing people out, besides mom)
5. finalize divorce as soon as finances allow
6. finish cleaning up credit which will include obtaining and being responsible for a damn credit card grrrr....
7. complete at least two semesters of school
8. become more community oriented and socialize more
9. find at least one thing to be genuinely happy about daily
10. learn to forgive myself more, and others less.

that last one is to say... drea, you are not a doormat. you do not need to feel bad for taking your life back. it is your life, you are the one who needs to live it. you step on a few toes or make a couple people look like you just kicked a puppy on the way. so be it. i cannot control the world. i can only change my part of it. i am responsible for my part of this life and no one elses... but if i can help and so desire i will. it is in my power and slightly to my benefit to help my mother, so i will. i can no longer be responsible for his skewed views of importance, so i wont.

sick as a dog

Hooked on cable addicted to the jaccuzi and the blinds open upside down too much cough syrup? Its possible.

tough life.

Drea would you mind house sitting for one of your aunties?

Yeah sure no problem which one?

Aunty geri.

What the hell did she mean mind? here I lay snuggled up in a king size bed nestled between Egyptian cotton sheets and a down comforter. surrounded by poignant yet tasteful artwork, with my own bathroom and she wanted to know if if mind? I'm in the friggin guest bedroom for heavensake!

I'm living the tough life. I'm in a neighborhood where I could leave my car unlocked with the keys in the ignition and no one would touch it (not that I would out of ingrown paranoia.) ok side note, my god these sheets feel nice. What was I saying? Oh yeah tough life. Yada yada. I'm wondering what I did to deserve this harsh treatment. She is leaving me with a full fridge and a gas/takeout stipend for the week that would allow me to runaround town all day and order takeout for a month. Geez.

Oh yeah and I'm ten whole minutes away from work assuming there's traffic.

All this and I gotta watch her three adorable puppies. Tough life I tell ya.

i feel awful

Here I am awake because about half an hour ago I couldn't bear the heat any longer, and the little tickle in my throat turned into a full fledged fire in my lungs. I thought maybe it was allergies and I just needed to get some zinc and vitamin c in my system so naturally I drink orange juice. Made it worse at least now I know it is allergies. So I popped a singular, hoping thatll clear my chest and my sinuses and just feeling miserable and unable to sleep any longer. But I will cause I'm exhausted and its only been three hours of sleep.

i feel awful

argument for live Christmas trees.

The fun of going into the crisp outdoors to find the perfect tree. The beauty of real branches upenung up to cradle long time favorite ornaments. The subtle scent of evergreen that says the holidays are here.

For generations real Christmas trees have stood at the center of our most chrished holiday traditions, but did you know that by choosing a real tree you can do something beautiful for the forest?

Christmas trees are grown on managed forestlands which are usually family owned. In managed forests a balance is carefully maintained between our need for wood and paper and the needs of the environment to remain healthy and abundant. That's why for every tree harvested in a managed forest, up to three more are planted each spring. And the millions of new trees help to keep the air and water clean and provide habitat for all sorts of wildlife and prevent soil erosion.

Also there are plenty of ways to recycle a tree when the holidays are over from reusing the wood to donating it for processing to be used in playgrounds.

So I plea. Buy a real tree and put something pretty under it for me.

bah fucking humbug!

I hate Christmas. Don't get me wrong I love Jesus and I'm glad that he was born and died for us and all that jazz... But let's face it who really thinks about that while they are throwing elbows for the last black cashmere sweater at Macys? I wish we could get rid of all the hooha.

I'm sitting here alone and scared in the dark cause my car died. Either my radiator cracked or there's a hole in one of my lines but I'm alone and acerd and have no clue where I am I know I'm south of Montano and north of Menaul on san Pedro but the place where I died has no fucking sign on the street.

I'm gonna finish this later I'm gonna call someone to talk to me till me bro gets here cause I'm really freaking out.

bah fucking humbug!

couple of lesbians and some slippery nipples

I drink decidedly too much when I'm not paying for it.

I think I need to stop partying with Maggie she's fun but she takes advantage of my naievity. I'm trying to find my new favorite drink and she asked me last night what do you want and I said anything and she came back with a long island iced tea. That was like my fourthish drink (kinda lost count) not including shots and I was done for I drank half the drink before I realized standing up to dance was probably not the smartest thing to do and asked what it was. I had handed my keys to Sarah long before but I went to hand them to her again. And Maggie just said I wanna see you stripping naked kind of drunk.

That didn't quite work out but we spent the whole night sharing embarassing stories and sexual tidbits and poor Sarah I kept hanging on her all night and giving her what was probably very bad relationship advice. And I kept bugging Tanya about her girlfriend and giving mike my entire lifes story. I think I talk too much but they just kept on buying me more and more. So I just kept talking.

Dreaming with a broken heart John Mayer

When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part
You roll outta bed and down on your knees
And for the moment you can hardly breathe
Wondering was he really here?
Is he standing in my room?
No he's not, 'cause he's gone...
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The giving up is the hardest part
He takes you in with your crying eyes
Then all at once you have to say goodbye
Wondering could you stay my love?
Will you wake up by my side?
No he can't
Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand
Baby won't you get them if i did?
No you won't, 'cause you're gone...
When you're dreaming with a broken heart
The waking up is the hardest part

Artist: John Mayer
Album: Continuum
Title: Waiting On the World to Change

Me and all my friends
We're all misunderstood
They say we stand for nothing and
There's no way we ever could
Now we see everything that's going wrong
With the world and those who lead it
We just feel like we don't have the means
To rise above and beat it
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change
It's hard to beat the system
When we're standing at a distance
So we keep waiting
Waiting on the world to change
Now if we had the power
To bring our neighbors home from war
They would have never missed a Christmas
No more ribbons on their door
And when you trust your television
What you get is what you got
Cause when they own the information, oh
They can bend it all they want
That's why we're waiting
Waiting on the world to change
We keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change
It's not that we don't care,
We just know that the fight ain't fair
So we keep on waiting
Waiting on the world to change
One day our generation Is gonna rule the population
So we keep on waiting Waiting on the world to change

I'm so not looking forward to tomorrow. I have a meeting super early a summit at ten to noon I get a quick lunch break and then I have to go back to A meeting withe the last, thank goodness! Exec candidate. And then a meet with some of the site directors and then dinner with bill and Phil which is just fun to say its not as fun to say bill Phil and Carlos so I say bill and Phil.

I'm going to bed I'm exhausted I worked till almost eight but I think I got everything done. I hope. Good night moon good night sky... Ha ha ok love ya

im only happy when it rains

i love that song.

so im in a sort of random song posty mood seeing as im just taking a quick break from work so here goes:


Artist:Jude
Album:City Of Angels Soundtrack
Title:I Know
you've got such a pretty smile.
it's a shame the things you hide behind it.
let go give it up for a while...
let free and we will both go find it.
i know there's no where you can hide it.
i know the feeling of alone.
i know that you do not feel invited,
but come back, come back in from the cold.
step away from the edge.
your best friend in life is not your mirror.
back away, come back away, come back away...
i am here and i will be forever and ever and i...
i know that there's no where you can hide it.
i know the feeling of alone.
trust me and don't keep that on the inside.
soon you...you'll be locked out on your own.
you're not alone...
you're not alone...
and don't say you've never been told.
i'll be with you till we grow old...
till am old grown and i'm cold..
i'm not further beyond the grown..
i'll be with you till we grow up young..
like a dog you can always come home..
pick up a bone...
look around town baby down town
don't throw me to the pound..
look around look around...



Artist:Paula Cole
Album:City Of Angels Soundtrack
Title:Feelin' Love

You make me feel like a sticky pistil
Leaning into her stamen.
You make me feel like Mr. Sunshine himself.
You make me feel like splendor in the grass where we're rolling
Damn skippy baby
you make me feel like the Amazon's running between my thighs.
You make me feel love
You make me feel like a candy apple all red and whory
You make me feel like I want to be dumb blonde
In a centerfold, the girl next door.
And I would open the door and I'd be all wet
my tits soaking through this tiny little t-shirt
That I'm wearing and you would open the door
And tie me up to the bed.
You make me feel love
Lover, I don't know who I am
Am I Barry White?Am I hot inside?
What would I place with your hot conscious
Oh baby babe babe babe
I will be your death the moon light
Take your time
You make me feel love

i wanna strip tease to that song its too sexy. hmmm now if only i could get someone here to strip tease... haha

ok i think its about time to get to work so i can be out of here by nine at least love yall

only in Albuquerque

There is a crime ring stealing big trucks, fords, why couldn't they steal chevys or dodges? Something worth it? Why? Why not mini Coopers? If I was gonna start a crime ring we would steal mini Coopers or Corvettes. Ok so I'm a loser but what the hell.

We have a cute weather boy maybe I should watch the news more often why do they run the ten o'clock again at one thirty this is just strange. I dunno I'm trying to sleep kinda but this was just too strange not to mention.

there are no insignificant thoughts.

And that I truly believe. I do think that even if a thought has no significance for one it has significance for someone else or should I say, may, if shared.

So I don't know if I'm being overly picky or what but I didn't like the guy yesterday cause he didn't answer a single question and I didn't like the guy today cause he wouldn't look me in the eye. Although he seemed to genuinely love the y and he has experience to work with what he has and he's not a micro managing asshole. He expects his staff to know what they're doing and to get it done so he does not have to be on their backs. I like that because if they hire someone who tells me I need to be in at eight and chained to my desk till five I will quit or I will die. I know what needs to be done and I get it done. Period doesn't matter if I waltz in at ten or if I jump in at seven I'm there when I need to be and I work the hours I really have to work and then some usually.

So back to the guy today he seemed on the phone to be a cocky bastard but today he just seemed real. He made me nervous cause he wouldn't look at me I felt like I had a booger hanging on my nose or I was hideous or some other reason for avoidance. It was brought up that I might have made him nervous but I can't see that he is potentially my new boss and I can't see how I could. I don't know I'm not gonna get any more hung up over it.

masturbation interrupted on the sofa in my office

Makes for a wonderful title. Its concise its strong it makes you want to read more, unfortunately I have nothing to follow up with. I think I'm gonna start titling these things with inflamatory sentences, like I used to begin them with quotes. Truth and relevance are not necessities. This could be a little too amusing for me.

So my lungs are on fire. I might have just a smidge of something lurking around in there and Rikki called and was like hey let's work out and I was like ok I have some stuff in the car so I who have not exercised in like six months or so now decided to try and keep up with Rikki who is like half my size and a soccer player (for fun the weirdo) and I think I swallowed a box of matches and a little kerosene. Ha ha the worst part is after the work out we went back to her apartment and she was like hey want some birthday cake, and my only issue with that statement was what kind of frosting. I didn't eat it cause it was the gross kind but had that been whipped cream Rikki and I both know idve been all over that. I suck at the whole will power and dedication thing. The good news is I borrowed her pretty red shoes and I'm going to look great tomorrow... I just need to figure out something for the rest of the week. Should I bore you on here?

Eh what the hell... Tomorrow: lunch at tucanos exec meeting number two, white sweater the pretty one with a. Key hole in the back mother of pearl hoops black stone heart necklace black satin skirt pretty red shoes and (grimace) nylons hair down and contacts grey eyes red lipstick

Wednesday: staff interview third exec interview. green sweater abstract silver jewlery houndsooth two pleat skirt, ugh! Black nylons and can't decide which shoes black slides or my fav 1940's black and white pumps. Hair in french twist glasses smoky lavender eyes, orchid lips.

Thursday: Admin staff meeting with Marion, admin staff Christmas party fourth exec meeting, that's a tough one, black wide leg slacks black wrap top with design on the back pink sapphire necklace pink drop earrings pink tweed pumps, pink and grey eyeshadow pink lipstick hair in ponytail or blue pearls blue studs blue and grey eyeshadow light pink lipstick and sparkly blue shoes hair curled depending on my mood that morning.

Friday: final exec interview lunch with Rikki and Justine and some other important thing I'm sure I've forgotten. Hmmm depending on what said forgotten appointment is either tuxedo style suit coral top no necklace silver drops hot patent leather pumps neutral eyes coral lips or black skirt with red flowers red Asian style blouse same jewlery. My good ol' Mary Janes Smoky eyes red lips. Hair?

Hmmm that was easier than trying to think them up every morning maybe I should do this weekly.

cant sleep

I don't know why I can't sleep but here I lie tossing and turning and I've finally given up and decided to write.

Unfortunately, I have nothing really to say. I'm comfy as can be in my big white shirt and soft black panties, necessary because I keep pacing but very comfy, my room is at a comfortable sleeping temperature. There are no lights no noises, I've taken care of everything I can take care of today.

Tomorrow we begin our selection for the new exec.well the staff part. I already had one of the candidates, Paul, Tuesdays appointment I think, call to ask me some questions, breaking the rules and crossing the line between confident and cocky. I need to get out the winter camp schedule. I have a couple phone calls to return, but those are all things ill have to take care of tomorrow. I did timesheets I have winter camp mostly planned out I need one day with all the site directors to catch up curriculum and do a little training on some things I got out of that workshop. But that is all for later Why am I awake now?

My personal life is in a good place, its been this way for the past few months some things are worse some are better some are just complicated. But I've come to terms with all things there, except I didn't think I could get so shaken by a phone call. I guess I am a little stirred up there.

Monetarily I'm fine, I'm not great but I'm fine. I'm not worried about my job. I've somehow mostly skipped the winter blues. I want to start running again but I need the time and new shoes. I guess I can wear the heavy ones till January cause both of my light ones are getting worn through the soles and I promised myself no shoes till January which just sucks cause there's this really great pair I fell in love with at payless. And payless is cheap. I need to remember to ask Yvette about my benefits because I will have been in the position three months in January. I think I'm gonna take karate with Justine cause she wants to do something together at the community center and I doubt I can get her to do a dance class. I might just take ballroom dance by myself though. Oh hey I think this random ranting is working my eyelids are getting heavy
ttfn
love,
Drea

cant sleep

fifteen days till chrismas

I think. What's today?

What happened? I was ahead this year. How am I behind again?

Cards: done but not mailed
Baking:starts next week
Tamales:probably cook the head on Friday.
Gifts:
Lissa check
Leo check
Dad partially
Mom partially but I know what to get her
Nana no clue
Tata no clue
Grandma throw blanket?
Grandpa cigars
Susie hmmm no clue
Nino no clue
Nina gift basket gotta go to michaels hey that could work for grandmas too hmmm
Michelle check
Dominic and Nicky check
Aunts uncles and rest of cousins goody tins.
Kat gift basket?
Rikki and Justine partially, hmmm gift cards?
Staff check candy canes and cards but its more than I ever got and there's forty of them!
Office Staff check, I think, Maggie Yuri Sara Phil Yvette Liaser Carlos Aileen Jebarri
Site directors Nathan Jason Curtis Justine Haydee Tanya Barbara Malinda check
Sandy check
Patricia check


Why is the ice cream man running around now? Any way back to my list I'm sure I'm forgetting someone. Oh yeah Renzo... Do I get him anything? I didn't get him anything for his bday and then I felt like a heel when he gave me my card. Ha! movie passes! I can get movie passes stick them in a card And then if I forgot anyone I can just write their name on the front and ta da! And if not I can always go to the movies myself.

What else I need white elephant gifts for three parties I need a date for two parties. What am I going to wear Christmas eve? I want to wear my sparkly blue shoes I need a blue sweater to match. Oh wait I vowed to stop buying myself stuff till January that's ok I can wear them with my black dress. Hmmm.

I want Jewish elves.

My mother is crazy.

Chocolate is not breakfast food.

shop around the corner.

I love this movie. You've got mail. I love Meg Ryan I don't know why but she makes me feel like real people can have these incredible loves.

So I am contemplating buying my own home. I want my own home with two bedrooms and a garage, so I can convert the garage into a studio and the second room into an office with walls of books. My dream. My own place. I keep telling myself I can't do it now though I keep talking myself out of it. Why do I do that why do I talk myself out of my dreams?

I love that line "what about you is there someone else?" "no but there is the dream of someone else"

Traveling is one of my dreams. I think ill out off the house, for now at least I'm looking at this movie and seeing new York and thinking of when I was younger and how I always dreamed of going there. There and a million other places. I don't know idi could be happy with a little apartment with no furniture so that I can afford to travel. Tough decision a cozy home all my own or the chance to run around being happy in other places. I wonder how much vacation I get per year, if that could work out? Hmmm I don't know tough choice, home, travel... Well I have no one to travel with at the moment. So a home?

I don't know. So my fever has gone down. I've only slept most of the day. That's good.

NM forum for youth summit.

Youth is defined by the state of New Mexico as persons between birth and thw age of 24. I am youth. I am at a summit where the outcome is bleak for youth. I think I should stand up and use myself as an example. Look grew up under poverty level no heath insurance public education no real male figure and I'm not quite as fucked up as you all would like to hope.

I am a productive citizen driven to show the world that their statistics mean nothing. I am not a pregnant drop out on welfare like they said I would be and they need to stop telling kids like I was that that's all they will be. Ooh I'm mad. We as a society sincerely need to stop saying things like this to our childen the ones who are smart enough to understand what they listen to, have the ambition sapped right out of them. And the ones that have a brain to ignore it are too few.

I guess that its not that they are saying this to the youth of new Mexico, its the fact that they are specifying the Hispanic and native American youth of new Mexico. I am furious. This whole packet in front of me is divided into three sections, Hispanic all races, native Americans, and non-Hispanics all races. And they wonder why I don't consider myself white. Its the mentality that we are brought up with. I have spent my whole life hearing that I will be a failure. And I figured it would end but grrr here they are passing their bullshit on to the next generation.

I won't stand for it this has to change and I need to find a way.

I am about to go into the last segment of my evening. I will post more later if I haven't gone berzerk and tackled someone and been thrown in jail by the end of this night. Oh wait I won't do that because that would prove them right.


Oh yeah p.s. Mags, can't edit wishlist from my phone.

sadomasochistic

Is it sadism masochism or both when you enjoy inflicting pain on yourself?

Sorry that thought just ran through my head as I was tweezing my eyebrows and giving myself a mani pedi.

So the electricity in my room is shot. A couple days ago my choice was heat or TV didn't bother me much I'm not much of a TV person, but now I have neither...so I get to find the short. This will be fun, unfortunately it will have to wait till this weekend cause its a very busy week for me. Ill just break out more blankets, or sleep in the living room.

power cut and hot pink lips.

A person isn't who they are in your last conversation, they are who they've been through the whole relationship.

So I've been shopping again. I shouldn't but the good news is most of it was Christmas shopping. Ok so half of it? Part of it? Ok well the good news is most of my Christmas shopping is done.

Robot chicken is so weird. Seth Green is on crack.

Ill finish this post later.