confession of a horrendous bitch

Lindsey,

i know you have read it but i think it will make much more sense now...

september rests
its restless fingers on the ends of
my eyelashes and in the air between our
lips while we stir coffee like chocolate lava steam spilling
furiously in place of conversation you know you kill me
every
time
with the sharp end of
your interrogation questions
curdle
the silence like vinegar in
milk and i’m trying
my hardest to concentrate between
sips
of the neighbors’ conversation and the
scrape
of traffic through the streets
when did my head become so heavy and
when did your
eyes become so green everything’s smudging and
smearing
and spinning and you know it’s only a matter of
time
before you scratch too hard you
break
my skin and when the blood trickles over our fingertips
we
both
scream

i have a confession to make, and its not just that i am a horrendous bitch in case you think this is news... i have done the worst possible think one can do to a friend. i have been fucking around with domenick. i dont even know if you are going to read this, i hope you will because i dont like my dirty laundry out in public view, and i dont want it to be in vain, i doubt it, but you're not talking to me and this is my only hope. i told my mom what happened and she slapped me outright, i wish you would do the same, give me some of your pain... but you being the strong minded woman you are will just wallow in it alone, i wish i could take it from you.

i need to achieve transparancy... no more lying by omission or otherwise. im sorry, i dont love him though... i know you think i do and i know i told him i do, but really... i dont. i love you... more than you can ever possibly know. and yet i did this horrendous thing. i wish i could take it back. it was like you said it all started as this friendly thing, and then elevated because he is a fucking drug. i was talking to him trying to be a double agent even though you told me not to because this fucking bastard hurt my friend. but then i broke up with zo and he helped me through that and i started messing with him and having to lie to you, well not really lie.. i cant lie, i kept hoping that you would ask me outright are you messing with domenick but you never asked so i never said... and then... i cant lie i do care... but he really doesnt exist, and i cannot be in love with a man that i cant physically love. (how can this man that doesnt exist cause the both of us so much pain?) but i stand by what i said he is coke a designer drug with exhillarating highs and horrendous lows, highly expensive, and damaging to all who try.

i kept trying to drop hints... hoping you would catch on... gradually, but you never did instead you got this smack in the face. it shouldnt have happened at all but definitely least like this. should i answer the questions that i think are rolling around in your head the ones that would be rolling around in mine... i dont want to but i will
how long has this been going on.... after lorenzo
do i love him... no
if i give you an ultimatum who will you choose him or me... you, you, you (if you'll still have me)
will i ever be able to trust you again... well thats completely up to you, i hope you will i only ever lied once, believe it or not. that time when you said niether one of them will tell me theres nothing to be jealous of... and i told you that there is nothing to be jealous of. i still dont think you should be jealous, i dont love him and it takes two people to be in love... im sure if hes honest he'll tell you he doesnt love me either.

i cant fucking think straight, i cant think of the millions of questions that must be running around in your head, but if you see fit to ask them of me i will answer them. i never meant to hurt you and i wish i never had.