Drea Ali, or Muhammad Drea?

" And I find it kind of funny/ I find it kind of sad/ The dreams in which I'm dying are the best I've ever/ had I find it hard to tell you/ I find it hard to take/ When people run in circles/ its a very, very/ Mad world" -Gary Jules

So I am sore all over... I feel like I have gone 50 rounds with George Foreman... (and not when he started making grills either.) my back is sore cause I keep sleeping like a princess all fluffed up on pillows and such and I'm not used to it, my legs are sore from god knows what they are just sore as fuck. And my arms are sore from attempting to beat the shit out of Supes. (note to self do not try to beat men that are over a foot and one hundred pounds bigger...) and I have other areas that are sore from being used in ways they never have... (perverts! I meant like my head... You know that thinking thing) I keep trying to tell myself I have the flu and it will be over in a couple of days but really I am healthy as a fucking horse (for once).

Just for the record... Gary Jules is totally from REM (doesn't matter that I'm wrong I'm gonna win so shaddap.)

so it is kinda hard for me to think about all the things I was gonna say cause Supes is watching me type all this... I think I will mess with his head. never mind... Cant think of any good jokes... He slapped me though someone should kick his ass I would ask Mr. Frodo to do it cause he is the only one that meets his size (almost, give him a year) but really I think that he would take his side... Him being his brother and me starting the fight and all... Before people get all melodramatic he did not actually slap me ( I would be without teeth) but I just like poking fun at him because it was totally out of character.

Now on to the inevitable subject of Bijou... I don't know what to say, each day I feel more and more like what is happening is what needs to be happening for me to start growing up. Which I need to do... a lot. She said one thing on her blog (the one I'm not supposed to know about but discovered by chance) that made me feel all the worse for hurting her... I don't remember the exact quotation but in general she said that she was afraid of becoming jaded. OUCH. Yeah well I know that experiences like this can make a person jaded, but really I would never have that problem because I have been jaded for... fuck... As long as I can remember... I can remember seeing the bad in people first when I was like 7... She lived a very sheltered life and I shattered her illusion of a perfect world and I am sorry. But she is fortunate, she had that illusion for 20 years and it seems to me that she is pulling herself back into it. Part of me feels that she needed a slap in the face so she wouldn't be so delusional for the rest of her life, but not like this, no one deserves to be forced into reality from an experience like this. But I'm not god so who am I to say anything like this. I'm no angel... I'm not doing his bidding... But I still want to change all the things I see that need changing...

on the subject of god... I feel the need to go to confession... This is about as weird as me wanting silicon boobs... It is something I am totally against and probably will be for the rest of my life... Confessions should be made to the person that you sinned against... Maybe the reason I feel the need to go is because I cant communicate with the one I wronged. I cant change the whole world just my corner of it and I better stop fucking it up or people are gonna start revolting...

God's Car Wash

"let the rain fall down/ and wake my dreams/ let it wash away/ my sanity/ cause i wanna feel the thunder/ i wanna scream/ let the rain fall down/ im coming clean." -Hillary Duff

Its raining, it has been for a couple of days.. its kind of nice... i love the rain... so i miss her. but i'm also pissed... i really have no right... plenty of reason but no right... i guess anger is one of the steps toward acceptance... i left my toothbrush.. i really liked that toothbrush, but i am absent minded like that so I always keep a spare(or two or three). dirty teeth are not on my list of things that i find sexy... i have a whole teeth criterion but we are not going to go into the many psychosies of drea today... i dont have the time or the energy and the list would be miles long because i am discovering new ones every day. i left alot of shit... but thats what happens when you split with someone after so long... i am still finding Supes' shit everywhere, im sure i will start finding hers.

so... i am still talking to domenick... she never gave me the chance to choose... i was going to take my time to think so i would not regret the decision and decide between myself and her... i was gonna choose her but she never trusted me hacked my email and now... oh well... i like explosive situations... this is what happens... she never will trust me again and i dont know if i am willing to ever give her the chance... i am afraid to hurt her again, so i will avoid her like the plague... but i do miss her. c'est la vie. its not like she fucking wants to speak to me ever again right?

on to new subjects... i am no longer homeless... this is nice to have the same place to go to every night... i am talking to my mother again... she is decidedly crazy (hm... i wonder where i get it from) she keeps being in denial... now after all these years, with me out of her house she has finaly decided to pretend like i can do no wrong... i tell her things and she reacts and then pretends like i never said anything.... i think in her mind i am still on track in school i still have all 0f my scolarships i am still with Supes, and me and Bijou are not talking because of something she did not me. why couldnt she be delusional when i still lived there and would not have gotten in trouble so much?

Leave Me Alone!

"I'm so tired of being here/ suppressed by all my childish fears/ and if you have to leave/ i wish that you would just leave/ 'Cause your presence still lingers here/ and it wont leave me alone/ these wounds wont seem to heal/ this pain is just to real/ theres just too much that time cannot erase/when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears/ when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears/and i held your hand through all of these years/ but you still have all of me..." My immortal -Evanescence

i am shit people... i am worthless, homeless, gutless shit... and i wish i could change.

i am sorry... i dont think you will ever read this again but i am sorry... that doesnt change a damn thing, but.... nevermind

i amaze myslef sometimes, i got my life sorted packed and put back into storage in the span of 2 1/2 hours... maybe i could just travel... its not like anyone here wants me to stay... i have hurt them all some how sometime along the way... i am venom and people should steer clear to save themselves.

confession of a horrendous bitch

Lindsey,

i know you have read it but i think it will make much more sense now...

september rests
its restless fingers on the ends of
my eyelashes and in the air between our
lips while we stir coffee like chocolate lava steam spilling
furiously in place of conversation you know you kill me
every
time
with the sharp end of
your interrogation questions
curdle
the silence like vinegar in
milk and i’m trying
my hardest to concentrate between
sips
of the neighbors’ conversation and the
scrape
of traffic through the streets
when did my head become so heavy and
when did your
eyes become so green everything’s smudging and
smearing
and spinning and you know it’s only a matter of
time
before you scratch too hard you
break
my skin and when the blood trickles over our fingertips
we
both
scream

i have a confession to make, and its not just that i am a horrendous bitch in case you think this is news... i have done the worst possible think one can do to a friend. i have been fucking around with domenick. i dont even know if you are going to read this, i hope you will because i dont like my dirty laundry out in public view, and i dont want it to be in vain, i doubt it, but you're not talking to me and this is my only hope. i told my mom what happened and she slapped me outright, i wish you would do the same, give me some of your pain... but you being the strong minded woman you are will just wallow in it alone, i wish i could take it from you.

i need to achieve transparancy... no more lying by omission or otherwise. im sorry, i dont love him though... i know you think i do and i know i told him i do, but really... i dont. i love you... more than you can ever possibly know. and yet i did this horrendous thing. i wish i could take it back. it was like you said it all started as this friendly thing, and then elevated because he is a fucking drug. i was talking to him trying to be a double agent even though you told me not to because this fucking bastard hurt my friend. but then i broke up with zo and he helped me through that and i started messing with him and having to lie to you, well not really lie.. i cant lie, i kept hoping that you would ask me outright are you messing with domenick but you never asked so i never said... and then... i cant lie i do care... but he really doesnt exist, and i cannot be in love with a man that i cant physically love. (how can this man that doesnt exist cause the both of us so much pain?) but i stand by what i said he is coke a designer drug with exhillarating highs and horrendous lows, highly expensive, and damaging to all who try.

i kept trying to drop hints... hoping you would catch on... gradually, but you never did instead you got this smack in the face. it shouldnt have happened at all but definitely least like this. should i answer the questions that i think are rolling around in your head the ones that would be rolling around in mine... i dont want to but i will
how long has this been going on.... after lorenzo
do i love him... no
if i give you an ultimatum who will you choose him or me... you, you, you (if you'll still have me)
will i ever be able to trust you again... well thats completely up to you, i hope you will i only ever lied once, believe it or not. that time when you said niether one of them will tell me theres nothing to be jealous of... and i told you that there is nothing to be jealous of. i still dont think you should be jealous, i dont love him and it takes two people to be in love... im sure if hes honest he'll tell you he doesnt love me either.

i cant fucking think straight, i cant think of the millions of questions that must be running around in your head, but if you see fit to ask them of me i will answer them. i never meant to hurt you and i wish i never had.

im offended

lindsey says im not a person were just two conflicting personalities in the same head. i happen to think that i am my own person damnit... with plenty of conflicting personalities of my own.

so i had a really amusing quote to post... but i, being my scatterbrained self forgot it. i want to go to the state fair, i havent been in a couple of years and i think i should go... but i probably wont... cause i work too fucking much.

justin masturbated today and hes boring, lindsey has 12 pounds of shit in her purse... and that effects my life somehow.

apparently i am horrible about talking to people i said i wouldnt talk to.

i think i want to run... but she thinks i dont.. i should, for my sake so i dont end up like her, but the crazy sadomasochistic side of me wants to stay and watch the show. so i am crazy... and im ok with that.

lindsey's afraid im in love with domenick, she'll never admit it but she is. this amuses me cause he doesn't exist in reality.

"when its raining money, thats a sunny day."
-that is a sunny day... but then your gonna get a quarter in your head and die.

but it would be nice to have it raining hundred dollar bills... but only in my room... nice sleep on money swim in money... have sex on money... but then i'd have money and there would be no purpose in my life.

"lawrence is fertile and has 17 children in three different countries. (which are actually like 17 different countries) .... and three thousand mini tobasco bottles and they hang on the wall above his fireplace in a spoon rack. and his car has a cd player but it skips the third song on every cd so every third song on his mixed cds is im a slave 4 u by brittney spears, and he cant figure out why he never gets to hear his favorite song... and he has a tatoo on his cock... and his middle name is mocos and his favorite color is pink and he calls his penis thor and hes the god of thunder not a bad fish... cause thats not manly enough." yeah lindsey has officialy lost it.

underwear or outerwear

raincoats...
yeah no...

so i dont know what to talk about... i almost got a ticket today. and i had a guy watch me as i masurbated in the car... haha jk... i need sex. need a subject... need a cigarette... one vice at a time.

i think i give up ive been here not thinking for too long. ill let lindsey post.

aaaaghhhh!

"save some face/ you know you've only got one.../change your ways/ while your young.../ boy one day you'll be a man/ girl he'll help you understand/... smile like you mean it"-- the killers

"thank you so much"
-for what?
"for making it the best five years of my life"
-ouch... i mean... ouch... i dont know what to say to that, i gotta go.

so now he's asking for his stuff back... all of it... the card.. the games.. the cd's... it really is over. and i am not as sad as i thought i would be... i feel relieved in a way. its like after a month of realizing that he is still in love with me and i dont feel the same a weight is lifted. i think he will actually be ok. and i can start feeling ok about being ok.. really it amazes me that it has been a month already... i had all these plans about what i was going to change and make better and i have done nothing except write bad poetry and chapters to my novel that i promptly discarded as rubbish. (which i kind of regret now cause i might have thought something was worth saving if i re-read it) eh well c'est la vie..

More of Drea's Sometimes Awful Poetry

so here is more of my poetry... enjoy... (or not its your choice) some of it i love some of it is crap but i feel like sharing so i will... i welcome crticisim as most of these are works in progress and i definitely welcome compliments ;)

Because I wanted to
Coarse, scratching my throat, burning my lungs
The weather sounded like breath and everything was violet
There were two men not strangers for long
Curiosity has always been my downfall
I made no promises aloud, kept them all
The air is too smooth now I cant do it again
I had to know
Curiosity is not really a downfall

To be a translator
Is to be a traitor
Como Maliniche

To be a translator
Is to be torn
Entre de dos mundos

To be a translator
Is to be too “ethnic” for the white
Y mas agringada por los hispanos

To be a translator
Is to claim no language
Pero hablar dos o tres

To be a translator
Is to be forever lostEntre de tu cabeza

I speak Spanglish when
I should speak plain old boring English

I speak English when
I should at least pretend to know Spanish

I speak Francignol when
I should be learning to speak French

I speak Dreish the rest of the time The point is I speak so listen

He loves me

All she remembers of that night
Is hot anger rising up like the bile in her throat
At the harsh sound of flesh on flesh
Followed by a hushed “ouch”
And muffled tears coming from the bathroom

All she remembers of that night
Is pounding on the door against screams of
“Its none of your fucking business! go away!”
As her friend screamed “What did I do?!”

All she remembers of that night
Is transforming from angry friend to battering ram
Splintering the door, dragging him out
Like a flailing rag doll
And throwing him on the bed

All she remembers of that night
Is morphing again into a crying baby
When her friend stepped out under his arm
Explaining “He really does love me”
And trying to mask her fear with sarcasm
As she whispered “I’m sure his fists love you too”

All she remembers of that night
Is she would be forever labeled as ‘Dangerous When Angry’
As the others iced her bloody knuckles and realized
She didn’t know how they got that way

botox,
rhinoplasty,
breast lifts.
all things
unnatural,

acceptable in the search
for beauty

What if
one day it was discovered

lipstick,
envy,
Armani suits
and
Prada bags
caused lymphoma?

One can
only hope
there is
enough
chemotherapy for everyone

so tell me friend…
when did you become a spider
weaving such a tangled web
one that trapped me
drew me in
so you could suck at my life and leave me
hollow

digame amiga…
when did you become a liar
right into my eyes
about even the most trivial of things
not even feigning truth
because you knew I would believe you
anyway

digame amiga…
when did you become a thief
silently stalking my dreams
shooting them down carelessly
stuffing them into your bag of tricks
because they were so much grander than
your own

so tell me friend…
when did I become these things
tripping over my own two feet
in an attempt to lose my virtue
losing myself instead
trapped inside

your life

The pain.
The anger.
The mistrust.
The most measured invasion of privacy.
Delving into the past,
while reaching futility ahead.
The wound goes deeper,
the anguish rises to an unbearable pitch;
And the craving fades to black.

Exit stage left.

Is this a dagger I see before me?
Oh sorry, we have to be politically correct.
A razor.
An object for cutting
skin and lines and…
Lets not go there.

The pain.
The anger.
The mistrust.
It’s all to get me to come back to my senses,
all to get me to walk
to hear the edge of near oblivion.
Pressuring myself to jump.
To fight an addiction to hate,
fight an addiction to seclusion.
Destroy my world is that what you ask?

Curtain, applause

…but a poor player,
who struts and frets her hour upon the stage…
Oh, I got it wrong again.
I have to get it right,
to pass.
To be seen.
To be heard.

And the lights go out… and the doors close…

Untitled #257

I feel sorry for untitled poems
They’re like children with no names
Forever to be in the void
Categorized by their first line
Never identified
for what they are

A poem, a thought
An experience of angst about
your ex-/dog/father/
virginity/libido/ fat/
sister become summed
up by “s/he left me today”
leaving cluelessness in the wake
where one word can sum up
a lot two are even better

I’m no better than them
And my poems aren’t even
poems, they’re blurbs
Spots taken off my mind
Only a small piece of the cancer
that is my creativity
Maybe I should start a home for
poor, abandoned, untitled poetry.

Ten minutes is the blink of an eye
Passes in a flash
But not when you’re waiting for something

There is no greater terror in life than
The ten minutes spent waiting for
Those little blue lines

There is no greater joy in life
Than that first breath when you realize
They are not going to show up

There is no greater emptiness
Than realizing they’re not there

And wondering if they ever will be

Fifty-two pairs of shoes in my closet;
Diamonds on cool crushed velvet.

Recipe for disaster

Scrape clay out of bucket
Beat the hell out of it
Mold it
Slap it on the wheel
Kick start wheel
Spin it fast
Press into form
Push thumbs in, digging hole
Pull sides up
Shape
Form
Adore
Worship
See it splat
Cry tears

Favorite Childhood Memories

honeysuckle and lavender blooming in the spring
sliding down the road with the rain
hot dry wind whipping my long straight hair
into a nappy dirty mess
bonnie bell peppermint lip gloss and
chapstick kisses on a bright cold day
sun burn and chocolate bunny skin
sandy coconuty fake beach smell of SPF 15
painting poetry and pressing hands onto walls

Found on Penis

Genie wishing lamp
Rub for instant miracles
Anything you want

I knew a young man from the valley
His name wasn’t Marcus O’Malley
His name was Chris
He was a piss
Horrible boy from the valley

I danced with the man on the moon
And the dish that ran with the spoon
They stepped on my toes
And honked at my nose
I wont do that again soon

I promise to make you more alive than you’ve ever been
For the first time you’ll see pores opening
Like the gills of a fish and you’ll hear
The noise of blood in galleries
And feel the light gliding across your eyes
Like the dragging of a dress across the floor
For the first time you’ll notice gravity’s prick
Like a thorn in your head
And your shoulder blades will hurt-
From the imperative of wings
I promise to make you so alive that
The fall of dust on furniture will deafen you
And you’ll feel your eyebrows like two words forming
And your memories will seem to begin
With the creation of the world

Their final demise
comes in the form
of black ink
drug across
white pages
and
left there
to dry

black ink
flowing down
my white page
oh no
something
is astir
in my head

black marks
in my
account
telling me
everything
is ok for now

black bag
totes around
knowledge
in the
form of
books
and pain
for me
the wearer

black night
fights against
sleep that
used to
belong
but is now
unwelcome
in my bed

your eyes are
burning
again and endings are hard
but beginnings are
harder (at least until
you realize they are the same
thing)
my throat is
burning
again and
every word i
whisper lately
smells like burned
pencils wilting like a daisy
choked between my
lips and I cant
even say i’m half
surprised
the ink dries in
my pen is speechless
poised over paper and ready to
cash
itself
in
the lights are
burning
again
maybe if it were colder
my shaking
could pass for a
shiver
maybe if it were darker
my eyes
could pass for
blue
the house is
burning
again but everything
begins to look a little
different when
people tell you you’re
crazy and you begin to
believe them
i’ve learned to appreciate
codas and carbon
paper because
nothing hurts as much as the
second
time
around
i open the door to a charred
skeleton
ashes easily replace
tears and i find
you sipping cold
water in the middle of what
used to be
a couch
your eyes fixed in an
empty stare and you
turn
to
me and say
“babe
do you smell
smoke?”

I am sorry

I don’t know how
to be comforting without
being ruthlessly optimistic
and I don’t know how to tell you how
I love you
how much I want for you

I have no advice
no wisdom
no magnificent clairvoyance

and
I don’t know how to communicate
the way I think about you. how I

sit with half glazed eyes
through important conversations

thinking mostly about
how much you’ve given me
(I could fall in love with you,
you know.)
and how much I wish I could give you in return

The uneasiness beckoned me to make my move
in the midst of uncertainty is a sense of-
calmness as I let it go to
as breeze that carries me to Unknown.
An unfamiliar person inside calls for me to trust
I was curious
a leaf that falls will wither and die
but a new leaf is born
it is my path that which
my heart only knows.

september rests
its rest
less fingers on the ends of
my eyelashes and in the air between our
lips while we stir coffee like chocolate lava steam spilling
furiously in place of conversation you know you kill me
every
time
with the sharp end of
your interrogation questions
curdle
the silence like vinegar in
milk and i’m trying
my hardest to concentrate between
sips
of the neighbors’ conversation and the
scrape
of traffic through the streets
when did my head become so heavy and
when did your
eyes become so green everything’s smudging and
smearing
and spinning and you know it’s only a matter of
time
before you scratch too hard you
break
my skin and when the blood trickles over our fingertips
we
both
scream

Here

A sad place.
A dark and cold place.
Where passions flame
Once was lit,
But never does a fire burn.
For here,
A vile wind does blow
That holds me to the ground.
Forever caged.
Captive of and empty word.
A vile sort of loves last breath,
To bring the cut.
Here,
Is bleeding
An empty shell
Betrayed and beaten,
On the ground.

Silver inches measure every word,
And sometimes strike gold
And you strike a match to light your cigarette
We walk
In step
In silence
At the one-way, I look both ways
And then you
You don’t look at all
You twiddle my night in your thumbs
Smoke from your mouth billows onto my fresh air
I breathe in the toxins of truth
Sushi? Sake?
Sure.
Your suggestive nature suggests nothing
Very modest words spoken over drinks
Describe half empty feelings of you
We walk
Skipping steps
In silence
In the room its quiet
Sell me your gossip on life
I’ll give you my advice on relationships
Ours will become nonexistent
After tonight
And we still haven’t much to say
So… we kiss
It feels awkward
Your tongue feels too big for my mouth
After tonight
Goodbye.

Huevos Rancheros PLEASE

It is fried potatoes an egg, tortilla and chili, great for hangovers. Dear god somebody please make me some. So I think I have one of those hangover things… I’ve never had one of these in my life, its quite strange… I’ve been tipsy, drunk, hell I’ve even been as Lindsey would put it pukin-through-the-nose-drunk. But I’ve never woken up feeling like a claustrophobic, photosensitive, malnourished bag of shit. There is a first time for everything but for those people who get like this every time, shit, just give it up.

So here’s what went down. I worked yesterday blah, blah, yak, yak… boring. Then I got out of work and 'zo called to see if I wanted to go to see a movie I told him I didn’t want to go anywhere, (I left out the with him part). But I was bored so me and linds went to go see a movie (the brothers Grimm) and then we were still bored so we went to go see another one (the 40 year old virgin) both of which were excellent for very different reasons. And so my evening was drawing to an end about 12:30, 1:00. Me and binky poo got home and I decided I wanted to eat cause I had not had anything since breakfast at IHOP, I invited she declined. I went to go see ‘zo cause I wanted company and I knew he would still be up but he gave me a 20 minute lecture on smoking and how I am turning into my father, so I left. I went to Frontier (one of our good, cheap, 24 hour college food places.) and I got a call from my brother… turns out he was there too and wanted to know if I wanted to go to a party cause I was still up. So we left his truck in the UNM parking structure and took my car cause I had every intention of being a DD, and going home sometime before morning. We went to someone’s house (I want to say Gloria?) and there was a party in full swing. Someone handed me something wonderful and fruity that I didn’t catch the name of and will probably never be able to find again, after a few of those I was obviously too drunk to drive so we decided to just crash there. Gloria? Has a wonderful large suede leather sofa that I wanted to keep but could not fit in my pocket, but it reminded me of the one that we used to have in our apt. before it got broken. I woke up at about 6:30 this morning to this horrendous screeching noise that turned out to be my fucking cell phone (who the hell is up at 6:30 on a Saturday?)… It was Lindsey where the fuck was I and did I go home last night. She sounded really worried cause I am not the kind of person who stays out all night without telling someone… but my bro knew where I was so I was ok in my little drunken head. It didn’t help matters at all that I had this horrendous pounding in my head and I told her that I didn’t know where I was and promptly hung up. (I didn’t, I still don’t, I can probably take you there but I don’t know who’s house it is). I called her back after I had a few mins to get up and find my brother amongst the bodies littering the carpet, told her I was too drunk to drive last night, and I would be home soon. And here I am writing this down to post later… the water is helping the headache and I think the rest is just lack of sleep… maybe its not a hangover after all but I still want Huevos rancheros cause I am ravenous, maybe after I have a shower and sleep a bit.

***

In retrospect I think Lindsey was just upset cause she thought I was out fucking some random guy or worse (in her head) the Boy Scout. But really I’m old enough to do what I want and I am a free woman so if I want to fuck someone I'm gonna fuck ’em… Boy Scout included, at least that way I know it’ll be good and I cant catch anything.

so I just got back from the symphony and it was wonderful, the only bad part of my evening is that I was wearing Lindsey’s dress and it was a little too big and I was wearing red shoes with a coral cocktail dress, cause its not my dress, I don’t normally wear coral and I don’t own coral shoes. But it worked, I looked fabu so I shouldn’t knock it. I have decided that I could definitely go for the conductor that was there even though he is definitely much older. His name is Guillermo Figueroa, and he was rocking that tux and tails like it was a t- shirt and jeans. Ok so maybe I don’t want him but a conductor would be nice cause you know they have to have rhythm and therefore should be able to dance, like he was dancing on that conductors box… and it would also be nice to have a man who could be so comfortable in a tux… I like Lindsey’s idea, I need a man who owns at least two tuxes, black tie and white tie, because you know if he owns two we would be going out a lot, also, I can have an excuse to own like 20 ball gowns, and more shoes… mmm shoes.

Kleptomaniac

I’ve officially moved in, I am stealing jewelry. Well not stealing so much as commandeering until my jewelry gets fixed, and I could have it if I asked but the point is there. And anyone who doesn’t know the situation is nice and confused.

I have 28 minutes left on my phone… shit... I could use that in one sitting talking to a deaf person. I need to stop talking so much, I talk to everyone my sister, Lindsey Domenick, my mom, my boss, even Aidan lately and no one is on my fucking plan except Lorenzo who I am not really talking to all that much these days, more than I should but not very much. I should turn off my phone for a few days only turn it on nights and weekends. Yeah… right I would die, my boss would kill me for one and then there’s people who can only talk during the day like Domenick, and my sister is so fucking hard to get a hold of she works just as much as me. I just need to up the minutes on my plan… again… I suppose it’s not so bad it’s only half a bill right? And it’s better than $.35/ min in overages, but really a person who works 10-12 hours a day should not be able to use 1500 minutes during peak time in like what 10 days… this is bullshit.

But enough about phone bills how boring is that lets go on to my birthday… j/k but it does amuse me that there is 69 days left… I’m almost old.

Lindsey is a total bitch. She told me to say that… but it wouldn’t have slowed me down if she hadn’t she's not getting any and she’s taking it out on me. Maybe I should give her some just to shut her up… I love ya linds :) promise. I’m not getting any either and I’m just fucking dandy. I’m sweet and kind and all that shit.


apparently my blog (and life) is far more interesting if you only read one word every three lines. i should try that

in other news lindsey has totally lost it and has given me domenick for like the sexth time this time for phone sex... i think ill pass... maybe. she thinks that she's evil and im nice, but really i'm evil and shes nice. (muah ha muah ha ha ha) oh no evil laugh out loud.

i made him cry

i told him i hate him in that long boring letter that is in spanish that no one can read. i dont really hate him just some of the things he does... lately alot of the things he does. but i cant change that so i will move on.

i have started talking to people again, random people it makes me happy random people have the most interesting stories and opinions cause they havent been worn to shit already. i get bored easily when i hear the same damn thing over and over again, no matter how nice it was the first time.

so lindsey seems to think i am happier today i cant imagine why today has been a day like any other. but i think i might be happier i'm starting to smile more and ive started singing again (uh oh watch out world, cover your ears, save your hearing) lol.

my corner

i love my little corner of the world. it is in the blue dragon in the second room in the back. i cant get this corner when lindsey is with me im starting to think that she's bad luck. so i ahve been blogging the same sentence for like two hours i think i give up will try again tomorrow.

Beautiful Crazy

“Please don’t say you love me/ those words touch me much to deeply/ they make my core tremble/ don’t think you realize the power you have over me…/ please don’t bring me flowers/ they only whisper the sweet things you’d say/ don’t try to understand me/ your hands already know too much any way…” --jewel

That’s what he called me. Beautiful crazy. I asked him if he meant beautifully crazy or crazy beautiful, and he said no, I am crazy beautiful but I’m beautiful crazy, not beautifully crazy. If anyone knows what the fuck he meant please let me know. I feel beautiful crazy today. I feel like screaming and laughing and crying all at the same time. I feel like I have 72 different voices in my head and they are all telling me six different things to do and they all sound right. “just go back to him/ just use him for sex/ just don’t talk to him at all/ just be friends/ just find someone new/ just steal lindseys men …” jk on that last one. I guess I really do poke at her a lot sorry linds.

Its my fault that I feel this way, I got bored yesterday and thought I could be strong enough for the both of us if we hung out together for a couple of hours maybe play golf or shop a little. Twelve hours, one exciting trip to the mountains, and some fabulous sex later I realized that I should probably take my own damn advice and avoid him like the plague, at least for a little while. I’m really not sure of my self and its all bittersweet and horrid when were together. In groups its ok but when its just the two of us, I cant do it, it is much to easy much to comfortable for me to pretend that everything is fine when it obviously isn’t.

So I am sitting here listening to hot fuss by the killers, which was my huge splurge for the week but turning out not to be what I wanted, and avoiding the sappy movie playing in the living room, because it is making me want to cry. Love actually… great title, but I cant even watch the Simpsons anymore without mixed emotions, the only thing I have watched the whole way through in the past few weeks is batman begins and it was the second time I have seen that. I don’t feel like doing any thing lately except for writing and painting and working so I don’t have to sort out all these things in my head, but that can’t be all bad I now have a gallery in my room and lots of poetry written down, and some of the shit that’s spewing out of my brush and my pen is actually quite good. I know it’s the worst possible way to go about things but really it is what I want for now.

Every time I get to a point where I am ok, where it seems like I might actually be able to make it through this, I trip up and I see him. Seeing him isn’t bad when its just friendly I can handle that. but then he tells me he loves me and I feel like shit cause I cant say it back without betraying myself. And I do love him, but I don’t know if I’m still in love with him, and if I am I don’t know if that will change anything. I need to be rid of him; I need to stop alternating between being angry at him and missing him. I am just getting angry at myself and wanting to do the cowards thing and run and run and run… I think this is how people become workaholics.

In other news I broke a nail, I need a hair cut and I want new shoes… god my life is interesting, que no?

Para Fwuffy Wuv de Xuppy

Esto está en español porque necesito decirle pero no quisiera que usted supiera, porque yo realmente un cobarde. Te quiero. Le amaré siempre y me está rasgando aparte. Veo que usted y usted sostener me y lo se siente así que maravilloso, cabemos físicamente juntos perfectamente. Usted me sostiene, y la mi derecha de tierras de la cabeza en el centro de su pecho, apenas perfecto, la una ventaja del tenerle sea un pie más alta que mí. Sus manos maravillosas, grandes saben apenas qué hacer para excitarme. Pero con excepción de ése es mierda.

Paso mi tiempo que piensa de cómo usted está tomando esta desintegración, yo me pregunto cómo usted está haciendo... y estoy muy bien siempre y cuando no le veo. Deseo estar separado totalmente pero no puedo romperle esa manera. Y las cosas son así que complicado le nunca sucederíamos de todos modos tenemos demasiada materia junta. Ésta tiene que ser la desintegración peor en la cara del planeta porque usted quisiera que tomara todas las decisiones para ser el que esta' en control y biselo lo hago todo en mis el propios. Usted está rompiendo mi corazón e incluso no sé si usted lo realiza. Si usted hace usted es un bastardo pero no pienso que es posible.

Usted era egoísta y codicioso cuando éramos juntos, usted no cuidó lo que pensé o lo que deseé. Usted quisiera que fuera su pequeña ama de casa perfecta. No puedo hacer eso. No es yo. Soy inteligente y fuerte y digno de tanto más que qué usted me demostró. Usted no me apreció y conseguí utilizado a él. Los hombres en mi vida han tomado siempre ventaja y tomado para concedió a mujeres en su vida, pozo no más. Rechazo ser una cosa que usted recoge porque es bonito y satisface su propósito. Deseé del romance y de la pasión no justo el sexo en su tiempo y llamar un torneo Yu-Gi-Oh un date.

Todavía estoy encontrando las tarjetas que cogen Yu-Gi-Oh por todas partes y me encoleriza para decir la verdad, esas tarjetas representa el dinero que se habría podido utilizar para ahorrar para una casa, para ahorrar para que un viaje haga tan muchas cosas. Pero No. en lugar de otro que usted consiguió lo que usted deseó y puse siempre mi deseo y necesito y deseo detrás en el estante. No fui a la escuela este semestre porque tenía apuro el levantar del dinero, yo tenía apuro que reunía el honorario measly para TVI y usted fue pasar cientos dólares en un juego, si era justo su dinero, multa, pero no era. Teníamos cuentas y teníamos otras cosas que deseé ir a la escuela. La educación es toda a mí. Es mi vida y mi futuro, y futuro y mi ocasión de mis niños hacer algo en este mundo como he soñado siempre con. Y fue supuesto para importar a usted también, pero los juegos son obviamente más importantes para usted que mi felicidad, usted nunca diría esto pero sus acciones lo hacen verdad. Y le odio para él.

Así pues, ningún no pienso a este punto que podemos conseguir detrás juntos porque usted sigue siendo egoísta y quisiéramos que las cosas fueran su manera. Usted todavía está rompiendo mi corazón así que usted puede tener lo que usted desea incluso si ese algo es yo. Le amo pero puedo esté no más de largo en amor con una persona que no pueda cuidar bastante sobre mí me deje ir. Usted dice que usted me desea feliz pero usted me envuelva para arriba en su tela enredada repetidamente. Soy una mosca y usted es mi araña que puedo nunca escaparme si usted no me deja. Tan le estoy preguntando apenas déjeme por favor ir, no me dicen que usted me ame, no me mire como eso, no me besa, no me sostenga. No puedo hacerla más. No soy bastante fuerte ahorrarme y luchar de su amor. No debo tener que ser.

Sé que usted ama me pero que le la necesidad me dejó ir, me dejó realmente ir parada llamándome diario como todo autorización no es aceptable y nunca estará a menos que tenga la ocasión de hacerla tan. No puedo hacer eso con usted que se aferra en mí. Deseo moverme encendido y cada vez que consigo cercano, usted la detecta y aspa yo detrás adentro. Usted me ama pero usted no sabe que quién soy yo se rasgan entre esta vida que estoy dejando y dónde estoy parado. No puedo tratar de ella que tengo que hacer más una opción entre mi corazón y mi vida y mí están eligiendo vivir. Usted estará siempre en mi corazón, qué estoy pidiendo soy que usted me lo da así que puedo moverme encendido.

je t'aime beaucoup mon amour, je vous aimerai toujours,
Xuppy

a day in the life of... a school marm

So im not actually a school marm i just feel like one lately here is a day in the life of drea i hope it doesnt put y'all to sleep

5:45- alarm goes off throw phone across the room and go back to sleep (mmmm sleep)
6:15 wake up, realize have to leave for work in five mins and still havent showered (shit!)
6:30 get out of shower head out door
6:32 realize need keys to start car, begin daily search for keys that are always on top of book shelf or in computer bag.
6:35 locate keys reassemble phone and bolt out door into car and tear down street.
6:40 merge onto freeway realize people in front of you dont know how to merge.
6:41 motherfucker's using his breaks and im going 85 (holyyyyyyy shit).
6:42 is that a cop behind me (its ok cause hes going faster right?)
6:43 two mins to get to work go faster. ( its ok if i'm late cause im the boss now?)
6:55 pull into parking lot at same time as first parent (so im techinicaly not late)
7:00 kids start comiing in
7:01 alex begins his daily "miss andrea im crying cause i'm sick/hurt/homesick/etc" routine (which would be fine if he were five but he's in the fifth grade and is like 10 already)
7:20 take kids to breakfast fight with evil lunchlady about right to be there
7:25 ignore day dreams about decking the bitch and just take kids back to class.
7:26 "miss andrea i need the bathroom"
7:31 "miss andrea i need the bathroom"
7:50 school bell rings (yay im free)
7:51 first off-track kids come in (Doh!)
8:00 - 10:00 do projects seperate fights daydream about adult conversation and jamaica and a strawberry daquri(and a mojito, and a mai tai, and a margarita...) .
10:00 prepare snack
10:30 stand in awe of children while scraping peanut butter off the wall and wondering how it got there from the opposite end of the room.
11:00 cant stand it any more go online on abused and vengful phone in search of adult contact. talk to domenick
11:01 feel guilt radiating across city for talking to domenick.
11:50 take kids to lunch fight with evil lunchlady again decide shes only angry because she is not as pretty and must not have any friends.
12:15 stand in awe while pulling coleslaw out of ambers hair... again
12:20 hi rikki your here well bye now gotta go (bolt out of door)
12:21 ahhhhh silence
12:21 speed across town to eat lunch at home.
12:35 walk into room and stare longingly at bed
12:40 pace around bed
12:45- 1:35 decide much better to go to lindseys store for lunch hour as less chance of sleeping in.
1:36 deal with idiots trying to get on freeway again.(dont you need to learn to merge to get your licence?)
1:50 arrive at school for after school program
1:55 "miss andrea i need the bathroom"
2:00 " miss andrea i need the bathroom"
2:03 "miss andrea i need the bathroom" (alright already lets just take the whole class to the bathroom, cause that would be smart right)
2:13 "miss andrea i need to go again." (argh!!!!!)
2:20- 5:30 deal fights and "hes touching me!/hes in my bubble/ he took my crayon/ she kicked me/ she's not touching me/ i cant sit there she has cooties" and the crazy parents who are whinier than the kids "cant you stay open later/ i dont have to pay late fees i wrote the check yesterday/ susie couldnt have done that she's an angel" (as the kids fucking up to it again behind moms back)
5:30 Michael Atma walks in (suddenly jamaica isn't as nice)
5:45 say goodbye and wipe drool off of desk
6:00 Woo Who! i'm free
6:30 get home stare longingly at bed
6:35 go with lindsey to dinner
7:30 i should do my home work (blog)
8:00 i should do my homework (check e-mail)
8:05 no email no one loves me (do homework)
10:00 where the fuck did my evening go? (read)
11:00 hmmm i should go to bed but im not tired (work on the book)
12:30 i should go to sleep
12:45 i should go to sleep
1:00 i should be asleep
1:30 mmmm sleep
5:45 mother-fucking-two-balled-bitch (see drea, see drea cry, see drea pitch phone across room)

so im boring and this really doesnt change from day to day me and lindsey went out to goth night at the gay club but it was kind of a bust, there wasnt really that many people there (its still early in the semester and people care about going to class.) but i had fun cause i had on a pretty little strapless number and i was all dolled up 50's style and i was hot. (and i hadnt been out of the house in a really long time so really anything was wonderful). i dont reccomend anyone become a school marm. its dull, its beyond dull its mundane.

Ouch.

I am tired of biting my tongue, tired of choking back words better left unsaid but longing to be spoken. I am tired of being a floor mat for my thoughts allowing them to trample on me as I tie up the bitch that is lusting after freedom.

People snap at me and I avoid spitting my venom back in their faces where it belongs, because I care for them and therefore should be walked all over. I am sick of it. It is deceitful on my part to me and to them. I am not always this sunshiny happy air headed moron, and I am weary from trying to be so.

I listen day in and day out about how horrid he is and blah blah blah, but she can’t take a few minutes from me on any subject without getting that glazed look in her eyes letting me know that my problems don’t exist in her world, that I don’t exist in her world. She complains that she’s a bad friend but we both know that’s fucking bullshit, she is a great friend most of the time, she’s just too wrapped up in her shit to give a damn about mine, and that’s fine but I should be allowed the same luxury. I think he’s a nice guy, to me anyway, and I honestly enjoy talking to him. I know he’s a fucking bastard a great deal of the time but he doesn’t hide it, he revels in it. She’s the one who let herself get so captivated by him that getting off of this drug feels like death. Maybe I’m just a cold hearted bitch, maybe I’m just objective.

And him I want to rip open his chest and tear out his heart, squeeze it until it can beat no more, because sometimes that’s what it feels like he’s doing to me. We are no longer together but I still keep my sword in my mouth for fear of hurting him. Those puppy dog eyes, that sad quaver, its pathetic and it disgusts me that it works every time. Censorship without thought, wretched as it may be. It is my life, it is my bed I refuse to lie in it any longer.

I am ready to move on, in more ways than one, I am ready to become a whole woman instead of a self-oppressed silly little girl. It is time for the bitch to smile.

I need a title, and a subject.

pineapple juice. lol. "it comes from pineapples, which are a fruit native to Hawaii. never had any?" lol.

so to all the people who read this damned thing and dont comment i pout in your general direction, and i know theres a lot of you because people like you come in lots, no, cause ya'll tell me. so i feel drunk. im not drunk, i could be drunk. but im not. work. ugh.

Binky Poo says i am always way too amused with myself, i say i am just fucking exhausted and losing it to the point where i find opiate addicts fun and myself fucking hilarious. i should probably try more of that sleep thing since i will be putting in lots more 12 hr work days. OT is nice though i can buy clothes and i need clothes so i dont have to worry about the fucking storage. how does one let life get so complicated. secretly, i like the complicated things the situations that will eventually erupt into this horrid display of tears and words, but i try my damndest to keep things simple. i suppose one must fail miserably at something.

i hate failure, that is why i need school, no failure... they ,make you direct your life toward one thing then laugh at you when you cannot handle the others. high IQ and charming smile do nothing in real life. fuck them all

Hey Lissa I love you

So this is for Melissa if she ever gets around to reading her little sisters blog. Her little sister that lobers her very mucho and would like to hear from more often. And would also like an invite for thanksgiving but will not ask for one. (ok ok so not really thanksgiving but for my birthday which is the week of thanksgiving.) but you know, yo tengo verguencia and I would never ask for that. (I might just show up at your door on the 21st, pero, I have shame and won't just invite myself lol)

so yeah. I say so too damn much. I think you should start a blog too so I can know what you are up to it is very cathartic and is free if you do it through this site plus I could link you to mine and I would know what is up in that part of the world. (you know the world on the other side of this hell hole that you were so smart to escape from). I have been thinking again and I think once I get myself back in the good graces of the school I want to transfer, maybe out there, but definitely to a big city cause I feel like I am missing out on so many opportunities here. I feel bad I haven't been back home except for once since I left cause I hate it there so much, you are the only one who really understands that cause they treat Leo like a fucking prince, and he'll never want to leave but hell I'm not jealous, he has to live with being himself. I think I will miss home a lot more when I am no longer here and I will travel I just need to finish school first so I can have money to do it with.

so yeah (lol) I have realized I am no good at this dating thing, not that I'm really looking to date right now but you know I will in the future and possibly in the near future, but I suck at the whole dating scene... I've never really dated how sad is that? Lozo and I didn't even have our first date until we were together for like a month and by then I knew how the night was gonna go and gonna end. And all the other "dates" I had before that were guys picking me up after I snuck out the window so dad wouldn't go ballistic about his baby girl growing up... And then there was the while Chris thing (ugh! hijole cabron pinche culero!). (you know looking back its a miracle I didn't get raped or beat or anything I was crazy back then and no one ever knew... They always thought I was the good little girl I have now become.) so I must say I do look up to you still after all these years. You have gone somewhere with your life and you are back in the saddle after losing a five year relationship. Because of you I know I will be ok. Thank you.

I'm also having sex issues I haven't had sex in like three whole days (though I could if I wanted to)... I'm just kidding Lindsey thought I would be great to try and shock you, but I think that nothing I do anymore shocks you (though maybe I was only like fifteen or sixteen when you left and I have changed a lot since then and not all for the fucking goody two shoe better. I have gotten a lot better at painting and I still have those for you but they're still on my wall I suppose I will make something else for you. I painted yesterday me and linds went to the mountains for a while and I painted this wonderful face that shows heartbreak in its entirety it is beautiful and I love it and I usually don't like my own work. I think I will take some art classes so I will learn how to paint technically right so that my analytical side will feel more comfortable but I think that these paintings the way they are, are wonderful in their own unrefined, raw sort of way. I don't know its something to think about.

So MyLissa I am going to end this letter cause its getting pretty long and its on my blog so I can't get too personal, well I could but I won't. And I'm not sure if your even gonna read it soon... I'll call you and guilt you into it ;) jk

luv ya sis :)

dre, nikki, lola 'n the gang

Suppose its Better Than a Train Wreck

So I apparently am a car crash. This guy posted on my blog calling me a coward and a car crash, the coward part I have gotten used to but I am not any more of a fucking car crash than anyone going through a breakup. I make Superman so good because I am just not being a bitch about it and blaming everything on him though trust me there is plenty of blame to place there, but lets face it relationships hardly end at the fault of one party. I am wearing my heart out on my sleeve (or I suppose on my blog) because I think it is better for both parties if we are just honest and get all the shit out, I have had a screaming match with him and told him all of his flaws in person I do not see any need for me to expound upon his flaws for all the world to see. We have discussed it we have moved on it is not my place to show his flaws that's his. As for the coward part I can see where people are getting it from I have been confused I have been scared about what I am doing but if we are all honest we all feel these things when we end a relationship. Call me a coward call me a fucking car crash just get to know me first, I think what we fail to realize is that sometimes there is more to us than what we put up for the fucking cyber world to see.

on to the next subject, I have decided that Domenick creates clones out of women. He has a specific criterion that he wants them to meet(lined red lips, long red nails, large breasts, tight ass, built like a fucking brick house, halter tops, short skirts, no underwear and stilettos.) regardless of their individual personalities. It is kind of creepy, mostly because of how many women he gets to do it and how easily they fit his criterion and become one of his Stepford Wives.

next subject: Lindsey's brother. Lindsey ugly nerdy brother who studies philosophy and religion and dangerous countries is a total computer geek and is highly intelligent. He's like campells soup.
he's not actually ugly just not really anybodies idea of attractive though he looks much better with a beard manages to get these women who are perfect 10's no matter what aspect you look at them from (beautiful, funny, witty, intelligent). He is out of my league and until two days ago I didn't care, but for some reason I find myself highly attracted to him and secretly wishing I was one of those 10's. Lindsey has been saying I've been in love with him for years but that's not true it is hard to be attracted to someone who intimidates the shit out of you.

next subject: dreams. I am going to steal Lawrence Domenick and Dante from Lindsey and her brother for good measure I am also going to take her right eye and her hair so I have something pretty to look at. And she's creepy.

Pink Tweed Ballet Flats

So I was going to write every one in my life a letter but I don't have time I have to leave for work in a half hour so I will post something completely different.

Red lips require constant upkeep. Women eat lipstick off, kiss it off, dab it off with our napkin, talk it off. We reapply. We consume it literally licking it from our lips. It has a chemical waxy taste. We do it anyway. As we age lipstick bleeds in to the wrinkles around our mouths, literalizing the blurred physicality that characterizes later life, when steps become hesitant and the body begins to show signs of its tenure the world. Ancient ladies with piles of half used tubes collect lipsticks like past loves, flavors they have tasted. Each color may have made only a temporary mark but still it is not to be thrown out.

I love red lipstick I love red lips but really I think its an epidemic.

I have as I am sure many people will be happy to hear, decided to stop being so depressed. All I have left to say to Supes is that I wish you were wrong I wish we could have stayed friends, I not only lost my lover but my best friend. Je t'aime beaucoup mon amour. That will never change but I need to move on with my life and live life for me, I have been saying this whole time but I am now ready to actually do it. I think after some time apart so that we could both grow up, that we still would have been great together, and I know we would have made beautiful babies, but it doesn't seem like that's what you want. I broke your heart and I'm sorry but I broke mine too. I hope after a while we can be friends but I know as you know that that probably isn't possible right now.

un angel cayo
un angel murio
un angel se fue
y no volvera
-Mana

Translation:
an angel fell
an angel died
an angel left
and will not return

i win

so this is lindsey not drea but she is signed in and i was to lazy to sign in too, and she just finished posting on my blog and i decided i should post on hers,

yes i am a bad friend because when my friend was hysterical and sobbing all her problems to me i was think about domenick and really i would like to blame him for that but i cant my thoughts are my own fault. but in all fairness i was trying to think of her problems instead of mine and i ended up thinking about them and i never once complained that she messed up my sleeping habits which are quite irregular without her help but i am going to marry batman if i can just find one so i win