YMCA slave

so the secret affair with myself... not going so well. i think the reason i do not spoil myself anymore is because i don't have enough money... (stupid tuition).

i work for the man... actually i work for a bunch of women, but i work for a classic american institution, i am a YMCA youth counselor... and most days i don't feel like much else. i go to work very obviously i am working, i leave from work i think about going back to work, i go back to work in the afternoon working again... and my grand finale when i come home i talk about work.

i need some interesting habits... i need to start my photography or work on my novel or ... or... or... i have things that are interesting im just so modest about these things that i will never really share them with others... and since my life tends to revolve around others my things that make me what i consider interesting go out the window. i have four novels started... not one or three but four and i don't think i will ever finish any of them, because i tell myself they are no good and im too damned afraid to show them to people so they can tell me if they think otherwise.

i really need to throw this fear thing out the window, it is crap and i don't like it anymore. when i was a little girl i would always seek the acceptance, the praise of my father... now i've grown up and i want that from everyone, but i am more afraid that i will never get it so i hide.

i wish i could be like i was a couple of years ago and just tell everyone to go fuck off if they don't like me the way i am, and i do for the most part but inside i know i will always be that little girl simultaneously wanting attention, and expecting it to never come.