i'm Dying a Little Inside

I broke up with the boyscout.

I broke up with the boyscout and he is still here lying in my bed.

I broke up with the boyscout and I think it is simultaneously the best and worst thing I have ever done.

I have never broken up with anyone, things just kind of explode and end in my world. But this, this slow aching in my heart making me feel like I am dying... I'm not used to this, I don't get how people could deal with it more than once in a lifetime. I am leaving him to find myself. I still love him... I can still see myself with him for the rest of my life. But I am sad because he is still here in my bed telling me how wonderful and sexy and beautiful and smart and funny I am and I am trying my damnedest to break his heart as little as possible while still gaining my freedom. I don't think I am meant to ever be a bitch. I suck at it.

now what am I going to do? I don't know. I am going to go on with my life. I'm still gonna be friends with him, I thought that was something that only happened on TV and in movies. But we're still gonna be friends. I am going to move out of my parents house by the end of the week I don't have an apartment yet but I will stay with friends. My mother is pissed because I will not be here to help her pay the bills I wont be giving her rent I wont be her little slave anymore. I don't care about that. I was ready to leave the day I came back. I am not ready for the thing I have already done I feel incredibly stupid.

I do need my freedom though. I need to be able to do what I want for a while without having to think of repercussions for anyone but myself. I have been with this man for almost five years, nearly a quarter of my life and leaving him is scary. He actually understands more than I thought he would. Why I'm leaving him, that I still love him... I am still unsure of myself... But I suppose that is why I committed this act of stupidity in the first place...

some one please tell me I'm gonna live.