Two Boxes and a Hamper

"My lovers gone/ his boots no longer by my door. He left at dawn/ and as I slept I felt him go."
--Dido

So I stepped on my glasses this morning and broke them. :( I thought I could fix them so I walked to Walgreens to get a little screw driver and they were closed so I decided to walk around the park despite the fact that I am sick (again), for a while to clear my head. It didn't work everything flooded in instead.

I am trying to figure out why I broke up with him. I don't really know and I think it makes me a horrible bitch, but staying with him at this point is not what I want, it doesn't feel right and I was feeling smothered by responsibility and longing for things that I couldn't have because I was trying so damned hard to be responsible. I don't even know what I feel right now. I am angry and hurt and confused and alone but I am no longer scared now that it has actually happened.

I am angry both at myself and him, at him for all the little things he didn't do and at myself for soo many more things. I am blaming myself for everything and I know to a lot of it does have to do with me, but it is not all me there are things that happened to make me feel this way that I had to be his idea of a perfect woman instead of myself perfectly. But starting today I am done with the self abuse.

I am hurt because he told me that he thought it was because of someone else that I was either dating, or was waiting to date... He thought the same thing when he was in Texas... I have been faithful I have never slept with another man, and I must honestly say that when he was in Texas it was hard because I was soo alone for soo long. I am also hurt because despite the fact that our relationship had a lot of love it was lacking in passion and romance. And I didn't allow myself to miss them until now.

I am confused because I have all these things going on in my head and I don't really know why I couldn't talk to him about it... I didn't talk to him about it until recently and yet I am putting everything out here for the whole world to see. I have talked to him more in the past five days than I had in years... That is not healthy for a relationship and I don't have a reason or even an excuse for doing this... Before him I was the kind of person who would speak my mind no matter who I was talking to. I guess I was afraid of hurting him, then losing him and then being alone. Although I am alone now and I must say I think I will be alright.

So about my glasses they were beyond repair but still under warranty, I am glad because I couldn't have dealt with having to pay for a $280 frame on top of everything else right now. I have however, almost thrown caution to the wind and started my affair with myself... kinda. I decided that I needed romance in my life so I bought myself flowers today. I am also sitting here eating a bagel... And I don't have to worry about what he will say about the money I spent.

"Everything is gonna be fine". This is my new mantra... Much better than "this too shall pass" today is my new year, and I am ready for this fresh start.