stripped

i want to peel off the pain like my skin
layer by layer
until i reach bone
and then i want to powder those
blow them away
like the pain never existed
but i know and you know it doesnt come from there
its this damned heart

"i like it when people call me pretty... but i like it more when they call me smart, at least i had something to do with the smart."


i am tired of crying i am tired of holding things in i am just plain tired but i wont let myself rest. i am sad and whiney and lonely and just plain fucked up right now, and despite what anyone else keeps trying to tell me it is all my fault. but i am going to go back to blogging happy things cause i think the world needs more sunshine and less shit.

paco no esta aqui

so some days a girl just needs to fly her hair like a flag for freedom out the window as she drives. out the window, 90 mph. just to feel like she is flying and theres not a care in the world.

Poesia

the ultimate revenge is
weaving a
tangled
web of
truths
in the shape of
a poem

if feelings were visible on the inside as well as out

what do you think the pain would look like?

a cut so deep no tools can mend it.

permanent scar tissue and discolored raised skin.

what do you think anger would look like?

a pool of blood congealing and browned

lingering stains on everything the ooze touched

and what do you think a broken heart looks like

a heart ripped and shredded into pieces by your selfishness and blindness

tears red cheeks and gasping sobs

uncontrollable spasms of coughing

as the mucus white and sticky

collects in my lungs

and tissues wet and wrinkled like laundry

collect by my bed

i beat my brain to tell me why i cry

why i hurt

why i scream

at night when there is no one there to hold me close

your presence comes creeping

crawling

slithering

sliding

through every crack of my weathered body

the scent of you is everywhere

strangling the words from my throat

just as if you were squeezing an orange

and smiling sadistically as the juice runs down your hands.

words

put to paper

already lost

barely remembered

you told me it would help

to get a letter

then you would know

more

i could write it down

sealed stamped

sent

and delivered

postmarked

one thousand miles

from the past

my words

pressed on

bent

by machines

and hands

tossed

and

torn

to arrive

at your door

filled with

the unspoken

at once

out in

the open

empty

naked pages

only lines

i take life too seriously

while it slips out of control

i keep on shoveling

while digging my way out of this hole

i feel the cracks and creases

running their fingers up my spine

i hear injury and diseases

stealing what is mine

i feel homesick

but i'm sick to death

and everything sticks

when there's nothing left

i don't know what to do

but i have a new place to turn

i am turning now to you

so show me what to learn

di me tus palabras bonitas

da me su alma puro

di me como me amas

da me in besitio

yo los cuidado

pero no voy a volvera

Translation:

tell me your pretty words

give me your pure soul

tell me how you love me

give me a little kiss

i will watch over them

but i will not return.

the sweat, the salt, the smell of nicotine and sweet cologne

the song, playing over and over, barely heard above the pulsing

the motion harshly tender, violating the pain with pleasure

your half spoken words of ecstasy, your desperate grasps for more

the stud against the curves, running with moisture

the hot liquid oozing between us like glue

your eyes rolled back like you are in another world with yourself

the bruises and scrapes, not visible now, but surely they will be in the morning

the sheets, a protective cocoon of cloth, holds us immobile and safe.

Hellcat

So I have decided that I have a subliminal death wish. I don't want to die but I keep doing stupid things. Like going 90 mph and swerving in and out of semis not taking care of my self like I should when I'm ill... Wanting to start a fight... And its getting to the point where it will be a catfight with hair and nails and all those dirty tricks I taught myself not to pull when I fight.

he told me he loves me a few minutes ago and kissed me on the forehead... Very sweet but I don't need that right now... Maybe I should avoid him for a while to let him get used to the idea... I was gonna have him help me with some electrical stuff but I decided to do it myself... Beautiful and brilliant I got it going on ;) j/k.

I don't know how I feel I still don't know if this is a hold on or a goodbye but really right now it doesn't feel like anything cause I'm not letting it. I am reverting back to my old self and I am going emotionally numb. The Ice Queen. I hate her she should disappear... But I am equally upset with the Crybaby who has been trying her damnedest to come out... So I have to make a choice do I continue letting myself be a cold hearted bitch, or do I allow myself a few hours to crawl under the covers and cry it all out? Lindsey is not going to like either one of these options but right now I don't care that's how I feel I am either going to lose it or I'm going to lose it. But that's ok shell just give me some disapproving stare and some snide comment... If she's real nice she'll help me see another option.

it makes me sad, the flowers are dead

they lasted a day. quite sad really. but life goes on

so im not ok. i keep trying to be ok, by pushing myself to the limit, but i think that thats not gonna last too long, lindsey is about to slip sleeping pills in my tea so that i will sleep more than four hours since im sick. granted three hours a night was driving me crazy before i got sick so she might have been planning to do it any way.

my parents amaze me i have been moved out of this room for about 24 hours and they have everything changed into an office. its always nice to know your loved. my mother is in denial, she seems to think that me and supes are still together, she would rather think that i hated her enough to run off to some unkown place, than to think that really we broke up and i needed to flee the memories. c'est la vie... i wonder who i get it from.

this is my question to men out there... why roses. they are so cliche, well to me anyway... i suppose that some women think they're classic but really red roses... not diggin on them. i suppose i am just upset because i have never really been given any roses as a romantic gesture and my sunflowers died after a day. my favorite flowers are daisys so friendly and warm but so delicate, or cactus flowers, such a stunning sight amongst such a dangerous plant.

Desert women know
about survival.
Fierce heat and cold
have burned and thickened
our skin. Like cactus
we've learned to hoard,
to sprout deep roots,
to seem asleep, yet wake
at the scent of softness
in the air, to hide
pain and loss by silence,
no branches wail
or whisper our sad songs
safe behind our thorns.

Don't be deceived.
When we bloom, we stun.

Two Boxes and a Hamper

"My lovers gone/ his boots no longer by my door. He left at dawn/ and as I slept I felt him go."
--Dido

So I stepped on my glasses this morning and broke them. :( I thought I could fix them so I walked to Walgreens to get a little screw driver and they were closed so I decided to walk around the park despite the fact that I am sick (again), for a while to clear my head. It didn't work everything flooded in instead.

I am trying to figure out why I broke up with him. I don't really know and I think it makes me a horrible bitch, but staying with him at this point is not what I want, it doesn't feel right and I was feeling smothered by responsibility and longing for things that I couldn't have because I was trying so damned hard to be responsible. I don't even know what I feel right now. I am angry and hurt and confused and alone but I am no longer scared now that it has actually happened.

I am angry both at myself and him, at him for all the little things he didn't do and at myself for soo many more things. I am blaming myself for everything and I know to a lot of it does have to do with me, but it is not all me there are things that happened to make me feel this way that I had to be his idea of a perfect woman instead of myself perfectly. But starting today I am done with the self abuse.

I am hurt because he told me that he thought it was because of someone else that I was either dating, or was waiting to date... He thought the same thing when he was in Texas... I have been faithful I have never slept with another man, and I must honestly say that when he was in Texas it was hard because I was soo alone for soo long. I am also hurt because despite the fact that our relationship had a lot of love it was lacking in passion and romance. And I didn't allow myself to miss them until now.

I am confused because I have all these things going on in my head and I don't really know why I couldn't talk to him about it... I didn't talk to him about it until recently and yet I am putting everything out here for the whole world to see. I have talked to him more in the past five days than I had in years... That is not healthy for a relationship and I don't have a reason or even an excuse for doing this... Before him I was the kind of person who would speak my mind no matter who I was talking to. I guess I was afraid of hurting him, then losing him and then being alone. Although I am alone now and I must say I think I will be alright.

So about my glasses they were beyond repair but still under warranty, I am glad because I couldn't have dealt with having to pay for a $280 frame on top of everything else right now. I have however, almost thrown caution to the wind and started my affair with myself... kinda. I decided that I needed romance in my life so I bought myself flowers today. I am also sitting here eating a bagel... And I don't have to worry about what he will say about the money I spent.

"Everything is gonna be fine". This is my new mantra... Much better than "this too shall pass" today is my new year, and I am ready for this fresh start.

do not stack the glasses.

"beginnings are scary, endings are usually sad...its the middle that counts. you just need to give hope time to float on up to the suface."

soo... i just got off the phone with superman and i completely forgot what i was going to write... haha like that would ever stop me from writing. so i am sitting here in my favorite coffee shop saddened because i dont even have money for coffee but i will sit here any way talking to lindsey and pretending like i know what i am doing with this new life that i have created for myself. i am coming around to the idea of being alone. i will be living on susans couch for a few days then i will get kims room... i am not looking forward to moving but i cant stay where i am it would defeat the entire purpose of shaking up my whole life.

i am a coward... people have been telling me this all week even random people... i would like to change that, but for my sake not thiers. i was gonna post some of my poetry but that plan went down the drain cause shtuff happens. i will though. i will post it and people will have to tell me its wonderful. ok so you dont have to tell me its wonderful but if ya dont i may cry a little inside.

till next time (which may or may not be on this side of never) i signing off of this my worst post yet.

The sun will come out..?

so yeah me and zo talked and he read my blog so he got more insight to me and i am feeling better. we are still together, techinically until friday... this shit hurts but c'est la vie, i'm the one who did it to myself. Binky Poo is partially right i am losing my resolve a little because i still want to be with him, but i know i need to find my self... to find my life. it will be sad and lonely but i can only hope that he will be there at the end of this new road since he cant be there in the beginning. all i need is time.

ahh time is such a wonderous thing, it makes us older helps us get wiser and can seem to be infinite in our moments of tremendous pain.

"torturing employees is like sending flowers, its best when theres no occasion at all"

you offend me
when you call me
schizophrenic

my divisions
are
infinite

i'm Dying a Little Inside

I broke up with the boyscout.

I broke up with the boyscout and he is still here lying in my bed.

I broke up with the boyscout and I think it is simultaneously the best and worst thing I have ever done.

I have never broken up with anyone, things just kind of explode and end in my world. But this, this slow aching in my heart making me feel like I am dying... I'm not used to this, I don't get how people could deal with it more than once in a lifetime. I am leaving him to find myself. I still love him... I can still see myself with him for the rest of my life. But I am sad because he is still here in my bed telling me how wonderful and sexy and beautiful and smart and funny I am and I am trying my damnedest to break his heart as little as possible while still gaining my freedom. I don't think I am meant to ever be a bitch. I suck at it.

now what am I going to do? I don't know. I am going to go on with my life. I'm still gonna be friends with him, I thought that was something that only happened on TV and in movies. But we're still gonna be friends. I am going to move out of my parents house by the end of the week I don't have an apartment yet but I will stay with friends. My mother is pissed because I will not be here to help her pay the bills I wont be giving her rent I wont be her little slave anymore. I don't care about that. I was ready to leave the day I came back. I am not ready for the thing I have already done I feel incredibly stupid.

I do need my freedom though. I need to be able to do what I want for a while without having to think of repercussions for anyone but myself. I have been with this man for almost five years, nearly a quarter of my life and leaving him is scary. He actually understands more than I thought he would. Why I'm leaving him, that I still love him... I am still unsure of myself... But I suppose that is why I committed this act of stupidity in the first place...

some one please tell me I'm gonna live.

Damn The Man!

Actually its more like "Damn The Maxim". I have fallen in love with a magazine cologne pullout. I could quite possibly be in love with the cologne... but they never smell the same as they do on paper, the cologne is called "corduroy" and the description of it is totally fruity, but I dont smell the fruit and I actually wish that the smell was a man so I could attack it, but its not... and im ok.

I dont know why I like the smell of cologne so much.. I wish Lorenzo would find one he likes and wear it all the time but he hasn't and isn't really looking. It makes me kind of sad.

YMCA slave

so the secret affair with myself... not going so well. i think the reason i do not spoil myself anymore is because i don't have enough money... (stupid tuition).

i work for the man... actually i work for a bunch of women, but i work for a classic american institution, i am a YMCA youth counselor... and most days i don't feel like much else. i go to work very obviously i am working, i leave from work i think about going back to work, i go back to work in the afternoon working again... and my grand finale when i come home i talk about work.

i need some interesting habits... i need to start my photography or work on my novel or ... or... or... i have things that are interesting im just so modest about these things that i will never really share them with others... and since my life tends to revolve around others my things that make me what i consider interesting go out the window. i have four novels started... not one or three but four and i don't think i will ever finish any of them, because i tell myself they are no good and im too damned afraid to show them to people so they can tell me if they think otherwise.

i really need to throw this fear thing out the window, it is crap and i don't like it anymore. when i was a little girl i would always seek the acceptance, the praise of my father... now i've grown up and i want that from everyone, but i am more afraid that i will never get it so i hide.

i wish i could be like i was a couple of years ago and just tell everyone to go fuck off if they don't like me the way i am, and i do for the most part but inside i know i will always be that little girl simultaneously wanting attention, and expecting it to never come.

Road Rage

I have become Albuquerque's worst driver recently. I have become the idiot I am always screaming at... looking through my purse at red lights (or not at them for that matter). Yakking on the phone, not using my blinkers, speeding swerving in and out of traffic, ... I dont know why. Normally I am a good driver I swear... (well I am a By the Book Driver is that the same?) it has gotten particularly bad now that im driving my brothers truck. I have taken to hopping curbs to get out of traffic on the freeway, in front of cops cause I know they can't follow me. I do not know what is causing this behavior but it must stop. I am being a very bad Drea. Im getting to the point where I'm like Bijou.I just thought I should confess and ask for forgiveness... not like I'd give it to someone who drives like me.

don't burst my bubble, i'll pop you in the face

one more blog today and then im done... promise... i can stop.... any time i want to....

ok so im addicted this is like my third one today? this is how things start out with me though i start out totally committed and then i realize that really im crazy and liked things better the way they were before. (either that or im committed for the rest of my life... or at least until tuesday)

what was i talking about oh yeah don't burst my bubble. so yeah i am working at edward gonzalez again and it makes me soo happy i had a doofey smile on my face all day working with the kids. i walked into the building and had twenty kids run up to me and scream "miss andrea, Miss Andrea your back!!!" lots of hugs... awww im getting sappy just thinking about it. i still have a doofey smile on my face it has taken me an hour to make what should be a fifteen minute drive and i still have this huge doofey smile on my face, i dont know why i will just leave it there though.

i have decided to carry on a secret affair... with myself. its kind of silly but lately i feel like i need to be spoiled more and since no one else is going to do it i will. im gonna take a vacation to vegas for my b-day im going to buy myself lingerie and shoes (screw the lingerie take the shoes) i will send me flowers and not sign the card... "im gonna love me like no others loved me..."

i dont know whats up with me today people really im just high as a kite and i have taken no drugs in like years. i want to sing and dance on clouds and just fly away... to the ocean, the gobi desert, the jungle, the concrete jungle, i dont give a shit i want to fly.

its even making me happy that random people are responding to my blog even though im positive most of them are ads.

i will oblige one person "Anonymous said...
You have not been in a good catfight in a while, you tell us. Give us some more about that good catfight in your blog som day. Love to read about it."
well honestly the last good catfight i was in was in eighth grade over some boy. I dont fight like a girl, i hardly ever fight girls. The last fight i was in i beat up my friends boyfriend cause i heard him hit her. you cannot grow up in the ghetto and be a pussy when you fight if you got me mad enough to hit you im mad enough to hurt you bad. sorry to dissapoint with the whole catfight thing thats why one of my goals is to learn to catfight like a girl.

the only problem with being in such a good mood is im bound to come down from it... hard.
i am in a fighting mood lately but fun fight, not like "bitch you stole my man" kind of fight, (women get scary when you take their men trust me i've been stalked because of it. A lesson to all those women out there who are like 'this bitch is "the other woman"', lemme tell you, you cant take anyone who doesnt want to be taken.)

dude drea...

you added me to your blog and this is what it let me do muahaha

Today/ One Day

so i discovered that there are a whole lot of weirdos posting random shit... sounded like fun

Today
Name: Sunshine
Race: Bird
Mood: Tired but not sleepy
Song: The Way You Look Tonight (gotta love Tony always)
Anime Character I Feel Like: None really right now but I wish I could kick ass like Inu Yasha
Weapon: Plastic spoon
Drink: Coffee (please god someone give me coffee)
Motto: Keep laughing, even if it hurts.
Word: Moist (ewww)
Element: Fire
Look: Silk robe and bed head
Want: A fucking cigarette for some strange reason

One day

my prince will come?

i will be a doctor

i will not live life confused

i will sleep more than 4 hours

i will buy my 'vette

i will remember to call people when i said i would

i will play nice

i will catfight like a girl

i will discover how to fly

i will throw modesty out the window

i will visit egypt

i will allow myself to l.o.v.e

Today I am thinking alot about the photo project I have cooped up in my head. It is black and white and would involve nudes either being a land scape or part of a land scape, or just making political statements with thier bodies. I am waayyy too modest and have way too good of an imagination to do this though strictly because I would be beet red the entire time and Im rather dark right now so that would be a big feat. But it keeps kicking around in there and I know it would not be smut, it would be quite beautiful if I could get it to look like it is in my head. Maybe I should start shooting people again and see where it goes from there.

go to sleep

here it is, fucking 230 in the morning and i cant sleep... again. i have never been able to sleep well though i am particularly bad lately, so now i find myself lying in bed once again wishing for even a fitful sleep. not going to happen. i should just stay up as i have to leave for work in three hours, so i will sit here blogging so i dont have to worry about waking anyone up. (maybe i should make friends with some europeans so i can talk to them during this time?).

eh, well it gives me time to blog. tonight is the first night it has been cold in a long while, and i am freezing because the boy scout has all of the blankets. i would wake him up and take them but he has to wake up in an hour, although then i would have someone to talk to...

i cant wake him up though im feeling guilty because i keep dreaming of Bat boy with Domenicks voice, or Batboy as Batman or just batboy or just Domenick though i dont know what he looks like really. which is a bad thing. (Domenick is lindseys obsession, although she gave him to me yesterday) yeah right like lindsey would ever really give me domenick. if she were to ever wake up one day and discover that me and Domenick had a thing going on she would go ballistic. (although i havent been in a good catfight in a while, and Domenick has a reallly sexy voice ... i mean really sexy hmmmm....) i like explosive situations, but they have caused me alot of pain before so i will sit here alone in my little corner of the world (and of the bed) and just allow myself to get swept up in thoughts that will never happen.

maybe i should invent a sleep club for insomniacs. they have all sorts of clubs i will invent a sleep club. it will be a giant room sized bed with hundreds of pillows and down comforters egyptian cotton sheets and mmmmm sounds comfy already.... probably wouldnt work though to tell you the truth because lots of people can only sleep naked and it would probably turn into a sex club... although that can make you sleep too.

i need to get my mind out of the gutter though... it is in there all to often. a blog is supposed to be your thoughts on the web so everyone can see but i think i will keep them in my head. maybe i will make a new anonymous blog so i can speak my mind completely... although any one who knows me well will know its me especially when the blogger turns out to be named nikki or lola or anja or any of my other "alter egos"... maybe i will just clean up my thoughts so i can put them all on here without turning hot pink at the idea of anyone reading it. im signing off for now. still cant sleep but i can always read and dream of sleeping. ttfn

I'm Crafty

so yeah, not really but according to lindsey aka binky poo aka bijou aka my best friend.

I suppose if I am truly honest with myself that I will see that I can be crafty, I think it comes from my inablity to lie... when you cant lie you need to find a way around it... I dont think thats craftiness I call that Diplomacy. (ex. "do you think this shirt is ugly." "I think that any thing else would distract from your beauty.") But thats not why lindsey thinks I'm crafty, she thinks I'm crafty because I can glean someones age from a tatoo and a two minute conversation on a completely different subject or that I can have people do what I want without having to ask them. Maybe I am.

What I do know is that I am sick today :( I had to come home early from Santa Rosa cause I couldn't take it anymore. I do NOT have a hentai addiction... I dont even watch regular porn why would I go for animated stuff huh chica? I am on a bad boy kick lately though and I think that it is because I am dating a fucking boy scout and Im getting bored despite the fact that I love him. It wouldn't be so bad if it was only him that didn't do things but I like to party and I dont like the hurt puppy look. Oh well "Its not always rainbows and butterflies, its compromise that moves us along."