I'm Going To Hell...

... And i seem to have forgotten my handbasket.

ok so I'm not actually going to hell, well maybe i am... i don't know sooo not my choice, but Katwoman's blog makes me feel guilty. Every time i read her blog she has something spiritual and uplifting and praising, and i feel like i should be the same.

i am a sinner. I've committed more sins than i can count, but that doesn't stop me from trying and it also doesn't stop me from sinning; and i was raised catholic so i think that i have to confess them to be absolved, but i also think that the priest is just a man and not someone that god bestowed that sort of power on. i mean the power to forgive is sort of a huge deal ya know? i don't know. i think the true way to ask for forgiveness is to talk to the person(s) you sinned against but my issue with that is i also believe that if the person doesn't know about something that is truly going to hurt them, don't tell them. That's relieving your burden by placing it on their shoulders, and just makes you an even bigger asswipe than you were to begin with. (twisted thinking i know but it is my own, for example if my husband, god forbid, ever cheats on me i don't want to know about it, ignorance is bliss, unless i suspect something, that would drive me insane. If i suspect something and ask then i want the truth but i don't need details. I'm going to be equally hurt and feel equally betrayed regardless of whether or not he loves her, whether he slept with her once a thousand times or not at all. ) am i crazy? i think I'm crazy... crazy and godless. i don't remember the last time i stepped foot in a church of my own volition, and i don't remember the last time i got down on my knees and prayed. i have conversations with god all the time, but really i think its just the voice in my head.

Now that anyone who knows me is going to try and have me committed...

I'm writing again, and reading as always... And i think...i might try and get something published... I've been reading a lot of anthologies lately and i realized that I'm better than some of these authors... i could probably do it, i haven't been published in a loooonnnggg time, but i love the feeling it gives me. i just need a little more spine, maybe have someone else read first.

Who am i fooling i will never have the chutzpah to try. i have this fear that everyone who has ever told me my stuff was good was just saying it to be nice, I'm afraid that any editor would just throw my work, my craft, my heart, back in my face and say, nice try, come back when you can write. The same as any gallery owner with my paintings... i was going to give one away for Christmas, and i chickened out, its packed its addressed stamped and insured... I'm just a chicken shit and i don't think i will ever get over it. i am just a scared little girl who has big dreams, but even bigger doubts... So, on to the next career of the week.