Yay! Poesia!

i need to learn to do those happy little upsidown exclamation point thingies. im thinking in spanish today... my brain is soo burnt out in english i only got spanish thoughts left... well spanglish anyway. so yet another 12 hour day has come and gone and i find my self greatly relieved that it is over. OVER! and now on to some random poetry.

"Dulzura"
Make love to me in Spanish.
Not with that other tongue.
I want you juntito a mí,
tender like the language
crooned to babies.
I want to be that
lullabied, mi bien
querido, that loved.

I want you inside
the mouth of my heart,
inside the harp of my wrists,
the sweet meat of the mango,
in the silver that dangles
from my ears and neck.

Say my name.
Say it.
The way it's supposed to be said.
I want to know that I knew you
even before I knew you.

"You Called Me Corazón"

That was enough

for me to forgive you.

To spirit a tiger from its cell.

Called me corazón

in that instant before

I let go the phone

back to its cradle.

Your voice small.

Heat of your eyes,

how I would've place

my mouth on each.

Said corazón

and the word blazed

like a branch of jacaranda.

-Sandra Cisneros

"Tossed"

he uses

them

like kleenex

disposing

when he's done

washing his hands of

them

this

nine-to-five-

lover

cannot be soiled with

these

Stepford Wives

no, no,

Deptford Wives

no, no,

never Wives

only ice blue eyes

and

"Baby would I lie"s

(the answer is always

yes

if you must ask)

they

adore him

they

love him

(at least

they

think so)

his

pretty little

twenty-somethings

his

pretty

little

clones

with thier

red lips

and

short skirts

and

broken hearts

he uses them like Kleenex

uses them

(Uses

them!)

on his terms

never

taking risks

of his own

but with out words asks

them

to

wreck

their own

lives

they'll never see his kisses

the'yll never live his lies but

they'll forever be strung along

one hundred to a box

(well baby,

i

refuse

to be

a kleenex

any more)

-Nikki Garcia

I'm Going To Hell...

... And i seem to have forgotten my handbasket.

ok so I'm not actually going to hell, well maybe i am... i don't know sooo not my choice, but Katwoman's blog makes me feel guilty. Every time i read her blog she has something spiritual and uplifting and praising, and i feel like i should be the same.

i am a sinner. I've committed more sins than i can count, but that doesn't stop me from trying and it also doesn't stop me from sinning; and i was raised catholic so i think that i have to confess them to be absolved, but i also think that the priest is just a man and not someone that god bestowed that sort of power on. i mean the power to forgive is sort of a huge deal ya know? i don't know. i think the true way to ask for forgiveness is to talk to the person(s) you sinned against but my issue with that is i also believe that if the person doesn't know about something that is truly going to hurt them, don't tell them. That's relieving your burden by placing it on their shoulders, and just makes you an even bigger asswipe than you were to begin with. (twisted thinking i know but it is my own, for example if my husband, god forbid, ever cheats on me i don't want to know about it, ignorance is bliss, unless i suspect something, that would drive me insane. If i suspect something and ask then i want the truth but i don't need details. I'm going to be equally hurt and feel equally betrayed regardless of whether or not he loves her, whether he slept with her once a thousand times or not at all. ) am i crazy? i think I'm crazy... crazy and godless. i don't remember the last time i stepped foot in a church of my own volition, and i don't remember the last time i got down on my knees and prayed. i have conversations with god all the time, but really i think its just the voice in my head.

Now that anyone who knows me is going to try and have me committed...

I'm writing again, and reading as always... And i think...i might try and get something published... I've been reading a lot of anthologies lately and i realized that I'm better than some of these authors... i could probably do it, i haven't been published in a loooonnnggg time, but i love the feeling it gives me. i just need a little more spine, maybe have someone else read first.

Who am i fooling i will never have the chutzpah to try. i have this fear that everyone who has ever told me my stuff was good was just saying it to be nice, I'm afraid that any editor would just throw my work, my craft, my heart, back in my face and say, nice try, come back when you can write. The same as any gallery owner with my paintings... i was going to give one away for Christmas, and i chickened out, its packed its addressed stamped and insured... I'm just a chicken shit and i don't think i will ever get over it. i am just a scared little girl who has big dreams, but even bigger doubts... So, on to the next career of the week.

Saved a life and Killed a cat

Ok. so i didnt actually save a life, and i didnt actually kill a cat. i just had a hell of a week last week, and that sentence seems to sum it up best.

thursday was particularly bad. i was ready to leave work on thursday (2 hours late, but finaly ready to leave) when one of the kids started having an asthma attack. both the staff that were staying started freaking out cause we couldnt get ahold of mom, the nurses office was closed and the girl did not leave an inhaler with us. i had to deal with my staff freaking out, call the girls grandma to call her aunt to call mom (or something like that i dont quite remember) and get her to regulate her breathing. by the time mom got there she had her normal coloring back and was breathing properly. it amazes me how much training they make you go through to work with kids, and the YMCA doubles that, and my staff still did not know how to deal with an asthma attack. they were freaking the poor child out because they kept screaming her lips are blue! her lips are blue! of course theyre blue the poor child is oxygen deprived. so come this morning the little girls mother tells me she now refuses to take her rescue inhaler, she does walking and breathing techniques instead, part of me is going HURRAH! cause i know from experience the side effects of those things suck, and the other part of me is going oh shit!, cause im afraid that the girl is going to freak out one day and not be able to resume breathing. that and im afraid that mom is going to think that its all my fault when all i did was get the kid to breathe. i dont know. so i didnt actually save a life, but i may have prevented a trip to the ER. on my way home though i hit a cat. its fine, i took it to the animal hospital, turns out i broke its leg and tail, but it'll live.

the wonderful news from last week is that Renzo finally got his settlement from GZ, i should have enough money next week to pay off my debt, (including shit still left over from living at the summit) get some new clothes and still have a pretty good start on a nest egg. i've slept more soundly this weekend than i have in months. im even considering that kid in botswana.

hehe i stole it!

i ripped this from kats blog (i rip everything from kats blog poor thing) where she said that it made her seem "embarrasing and asexual" which just doesnt ring quite true.

Looks
[] I am shorter than 5'4.
[x] I think I'm ugly sometimes.
[ ] I have many scars.
[x] I tan easily.
[ ] I wish my hair was a different color.
[x]I have friends who have never seen my natural hair color. (or would swear they've never seen it)
[x] I have a tattoo
[] I am self-conscious about my appearance.
[x] I have/I've had braces.
[x] wear glasses.
[ ] I would get plastic surgery if it were 100 safe, free of cost, and scar-free
[x] I've been told I'm attractive by a complete stranger.
[x] I have more than 2 piercings.
[x] I have piercings in places besides my ears.
[ ] I have freckles.

Family/Home Life
[x] I've sworn at my parents.
[x] I've run away from home.
[ ]I've been kicked out of the house.
[x]My biological parents are together.
[ ]I have a sibling less than one year old.
[x] I want to have kids someday.
[ ] I've had children.

School/Work
[x] I'm in school/university
[x] I have a job.
[x] I've fallen asleep at work/school/college.
[x] I almost always do my homework.
[x] I've missed a week or more of school/college.
[ ] I've been on the Honor Roll within the last 2 years.
[ ] I failed more than 1 class last year.
[x] I've stolen something from my job. (Tons of pens)
[ ] I've been fired.

Embarrassment
[ ] I've slipped out a "lol" in a spoken conversation.
[x] Disney movies still make me cry.
[x] I've peed from laughing.
[x] I've snorted while laughing.
[x] I've laughed so hard I've cried.
[x] I've glued my hand to something.
[x] I've laughed till some kind of beverage came out of my nose.
[ ] I've had my pants rip/drop in public. (But i walked around campus with my skirt hiked up once)

Health
[ ] I was born with a disease/impairment.
[x] I've gotten stitches.
[x] I've broken a bone. (do toes count?)
[ ] I've had my tonsils removed.
[x] I've sat in a doctors office with a friend.
[x] I've had my wisdom teeth removed.
[ ] I had a serious surgery.
[x] I've had chicken pox. (twice)

Traveling
[x] I've driven over 200 miles in one day
[x] I've been on a plane.
[ ] I've been to Canada.
[ ] I've been to Mexico.
[ ] I've been to Niagara Falls.
[ ] I've been to Japan.
[ ] I've Celebrated Mardi Gras in New Orleans.(I would like to)
[ ] I've been to Europe.
[ ] I've been to Africa.

Experiences
[x] I've gotten lost in my city.(more than once)
[x] I've seen a shooting star.
[x] I've wished on a shooting star.
[x] I've seen a meteor shower.
[ ] I've gone out in public in my pajamas.
[x] I've pushed all the buttons on an elevator
[x] I've kicked a guy where it hurts.
[x] I've been to a casino.
[ ] I've been skydiving.(Boy do i wish)
[x] I've gone skinny dipping.
[x] I've played spin the bottle.
[ ] I've drunk a whole gallon of milk in one hour.(why on gods green earth?)
[x] I've crashed a car. (but not according to my driving record...)
[ ] I've been Skiing
[x] I've been in a play.
[x] I've met someone in person from the internet.
[x] I've caught a snowflake on my tongue.
[ ] I've seen the Northern Lights.
[x] I've sat on a roof top at night.
[x] I've played chicken.
[x] I've played a prank on someone.
[x] I've ridden in a taxi.
[x] I've seen the Rocky Horror Picture Show. (mmm cocksicles...)
[x] I've eaten Sushi.
[ ] I've been snowboarding.

Relationships
[ ] I'm single
[ ] I'm in a relationship.
[ ] I'm engaged.
[x] I'm married.
[ ] I've gone on a blind date.
[ ] I've been the dumpee more than the dumper.
[x] I miss someone right now.
[x] I have a fear of abandonment. (who doesn't?)
[ ] I've gotten divorced
[x] I've had feelings for someone who didn't have them back. (who hasn't?)
[ ] I've told someone I loved them when I didn't.
[x] I've told someone I didn't love them when I did.
[x] I've kept something from a past relationship. (its called angst)

Sexuality
[ ] I've had a crush on someone of the same sex
[x] I've had a crush on a teacher.
[x] I am a cuddler.
[x] I've been kissed in the rain.
[x] I've hugged a stranger.
[x] I have kissed a stranger.

Honesty/Crime
[x] I've done something I promised someone else I wouldn't
[x] I've done something I promised myself I wouldn't.
[x] I've snuck out of my house.
[x] I have lied to my parents about where I am.
[x] I am keeping a secret from the world. (if were all honest with ourselves who isnt?)
[x] I've cheated while playing a game.
[x] I've cheated on a test.
[x] I've run a red light.
[x] I've been suspended from school.
[x] I've witnessed a crime.
[x] I've been in a fist fight.
[ ] I've been arrested.
[ ] I've shoplifted.

Drugs/Alcoho
l[x] I've consumed alcohol.
[ ] I regularly drink
[ ] I've passed out from drinking.
[ ] I have passed out drunk at least once in the past 6 months.
[x] I've smoked weed
[x] I've taken painkillers when I didn't need them.
[x] I've eaten shrooms.
[x] I've popped E.
[x] I've inhaled Nitrous.
[x] I've done hard drugs.
[x] I have cough drops when I'm not sick. (is this a drug?)
[ ] I can't swallow pills.
[x] I can swallow about 5 pills at a time no problem
[x] I have been diagnosed with clinical depression. (not recently)
[x] I shut others out when I'm depressed.(and kinda whenever i feel like too)
[ ] I take anti-depressants.
[ ] I'm anorexic or bulimic.
[x] I've slept an entire day when I didn't need it.
[x] I've hurt myself on purpose.
[ ] I'm addicted to self harm.
[x] I've woken up crying.

Death and Suicide
[ ] I'm afraid of dying.
[x] I hate funerals.
[x] I've seen someone dying.
[x] Someone close to me has attempted suicide.
[x] Someone close to me has committed suicide.
[ ] I've planned my own suicide.
[x] I've attempted suicide.
[ ] I've written a eulogy for myself.

Materialism
[ ] I own over 5 rap CDs.
[ ] I own iPod or MP3 player.
[x] I have an unhealthy obsession with anime/manga.
[ ] I own multiple designer purses, costing over $100 a piece.
[x] I own something from Hot Topic.
[ ] I own something from Pac Sun.
[x] I collect comic books.
[x] I own something from The Gap.
[ ] I own something I got on e-bay.
[ ] I own something from Abercrombie.

Random
[x] I can sing well. (when im drunk)
[ ] I've stolen a tray from a fast food restaurant.
[ ] I open up to others easily.
[ ] I watch the news.
[x] I don't kill bugs. (if i can help it)
[x] I hate hearing songs that sacrifice meaning for the sake of being able to rhyme.
[x] I curse regularly.(im trying to stop but im vulgar)
[x] I sing in the shower.
[ ] I am a morning person.
[x] I paid for my cell phone ring tone. (several of them)
[ ] I'm a snob about grammar.(but i am about spelling)
[ ] I am a sports fanatic.
[x] I twirl my hair.
[ ] I have "x"s in my screen name
[x] I love being neat (well i might if i could accomplish it)
[ ] I love Spam
[x] I've copied more than 30 CD's in a day. ( yay im a pirate)
[x] I bake well.
[ ] My favorite color is either white, yellow, pink, red or blue.
[x] I would wear pajamas to school.
[ ] I like Martha Stewart.
[x] I know how to shoot a gun.
[x] I am in love with love.
[x] I am guilty of tYpInG lIkE tHiS.(generally not on purpose)
[x] I laugh at my own jokes.
[ ] I eat fast food weekly.
[x] I believe in ghosts.
[ ] I am online 24/7, even as an away message.
[x] I've not turned anything in and still got an A in a certain class.
[ ] I can't sleep if there is a spider/cockroach in the room.
[ ] I am really ticklish.
[ ] I love white chocolate (IT'S NOT CHOCOLATE)
[ ] I bite my nails. Ew!
[x] I play video games.
[x] I'm good at remembering faces.
[x] I'm good at remembering names.
[x] I'm good at remembering dates.
[x] I have no idea what I want to do for the rest of my life.
[x] My answers are totally honest.

Laryngitis

I know you care
But it's just not there
When you're not around
I want you there
And you need to stop
Breaking my heart Mandy Moore

"Drea,You can be your wonderfully passionate self without stirring up too much intensity today. Just because you aren't afraid to delve into your shadows, however, doesn't mean that others are willing to join you there. It's okay now to be a bit cavalier when talking about your emotions -- even the difficult ones. Be as matter-of-fact as you can and then move on. You'll feel better if you allow others to focus their energy on the brighter parts of your life." Horoscope 1/24/06

so the boyscout and i got in an argument yesterday. it went the same as all our arguments, i was screaming at the top of my lungs and he was just sitting there looking like i kicked him in the balls. i dont remember what we were arguing about i think it was Yu-Gi-Oh, or something equally stupid, it wasnt what we were really arguing over, i dont think i told him the real reason for me being upset. it was one of those things where i was tottaly in the right, i knew i was in the right but it did no good because i knew he would never get it... he hasnt gotten it the first five million times he wont get it the next. so we "argued" (if you can even call it that) over something trivial. i feel like an idiot and worse i feel like a heel for making him so upset when i wouldnt even tell him the real reason i was angry. he is now hurt and confused and wondering what the hell he did to deserve my wrath.

well here it is. I NEED ROMANCE!!! either that or i need to stop reading, watching movies, hearing anything poetic, watching sunrises, or seeing flowers. i was having an argument, a discussion really, about the importance of romance with J yesterday, he said it was the most important thing a man can do. i said it wasnt necessary. i lied. but i lied because he was just trying to convince me that i wanted to fly out to New Jersy to have an affair with him. i told him if i was flying to Jersy to have an affair it wouldnt be with him, it would be with a hitman and thats not going to happen anytime soon. i dont think ill be hearing from him anymore.

so now looking back i yelled at my husband because i am a hopeless romantic and hes just hopeless. i was mad at men in general and one in particular, i had had like five conversations about romance yesterday and it made me really want a picture perfect night, instead i got shopping at walmart in the middle of the night with the boyscout and mr frodo causing a calamity, and to go to bed alone cause he was too busy playing with his fucking cards. so now my body is on strike till my heart sings... not that it matters his new schedule has him going in at three and gettting out at midnight. right before i left for work he told me he expects dinner to be ready when he gets home, like im june fucking cleaver. it made me think that domenick was right when he said i would lose my spark and turn into happy housewife...which i refuse to do even if it is out of spite towards him. but im not so happy, and i refuse to be a housewife so i win (eitherway i think i lose). im still pissed and hes still clueless and it makes me even more upset...

DUDE play something NEW!

I swear if i hear "American Idiot" "Stickwitu" or "Only" one more time im going to clock someone upside the head. DJ's need to expand thier musical horizons. now that thats been said.

OK so i just got some random email that had the lyrics to "Everything I Do" maybe supes is being romatic for once? HA! i doubt it :(.. i love this song but it makes me cry everytime i hear it. its so beautiful and romantic and all those things that i love

look into my eyes - you will see
what you mean to me
search your heart - search your soul
and when you find me there you'll search no more
don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
you can't tell me it's not worth dyin' for
you know it's true
everything i do - i do it for you
look into my heart - you will find
there's nothin' there to hide
take me as i am - take my life
i would give it all i would sacrifice
don't tell me it's not worth fightin' for
i can't help it there's nothin' i want more
ya know it's trueeverything i do - i do it for you
there's no love - like your love
and no other - could give more love
there's nowhere - unless you're there
all the time - all the way
don't tell me it's not worth tryin' for
i can't help it there's nothin' i want more
i would fight for you - i'd lie for you
walk the wire for you - ya i'd die for you
ya know it's true
everything i do - i do it for you

ok now im feeling all saptacular and needing to be held.

got this in an email

One Flaw In Women

Women have strengths that amaze men.
They bear hardships and they carry burdens,
but they hold happiness, love and joy.
They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy
and laugh when they are nervous.
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up to injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer
when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without so their family can have.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel
and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about
a birth or a wedding.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They grieve at the loss of a family membe r,
yet they are strong when they
think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss
can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all shapes, sizes and colors.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you
to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what
makes the world keep turning.
They bring joy, hope and love.
They have compassion and ideas.
They give moral support to their
family and friends.
Women have vital things to say
and everything to give.
HOWEVER, IF THERE IS ONE FLAW IN WOMEN,
IT IS THAT THEY FORGET THEIR WORTH.

"Smile, though your heart is aching/ Smile, even though it's breaking/ When there are clouds in the sky/ You'll get by.../ If you smile Through your fear and sorrow/ Smile and maybe tomorrow// You'll find that life is still worthwhile/ If you'll just Smile... /That's the time you must keep on trying/ Smile, what's the use of crying/ You'll find that life is still worthwhile/ If you'll just Smile" Michael Jackson "Smile"

Gomenasai

what i thought wasnt mine
in the light
was one of a kind
a precious pearl

when i wanted to cry
i couldn't cause i
wasnt allowed

gomenasai
for everything
gomenasai
i know i let you down
gomenasai till the end
i never needed a friend
like i do now

what i thought wasn't all
so innocent
was a delicate doll
of porcelain

when i wanted to call you
and ask you for help
i stopped myself

what i thought was a dream
a mirage
was as real as it seemed
a privilige
when i wanted to tell you
i made a mistake
i walked away

Craving

when i left you

i flew

did you fly too?

and nakedness befell my way

and things left unseen now

only seen in the light of day

i only want what i cant have

i only need what i dont want

and creativity it soaks my soul

i ask not to be alone

you dont have to ask me

i already know where i stand

and consequences in the future

feeling is now

and i cant feel the future

and i cant be there for you now

10 Things I Hate About Everyone.

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butts to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". DUH! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of course it is. Why would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?

5. When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damned floor.

6. People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.

8. When people say "life is short". What the heck?? Life is the longest thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are standing there, waiting for something and someone asks "Has it come yet?". If it came would I still be standing here, Dumbass?

10. People who insist on forwarding everybody everything that comes through thier in box. Quite frankly, I dont care if this child in Botswana needs $37 to get medical treatment. I need to eat this month.

Why?

...does it seem i only ever cry when i am wearing eyemakeup?
...cant i exist anymore?
...cant life be fair?
...do i have to care about things?
...when one thing goes wrong i feel like my whole world is tumbling down?

so i have to give the puppy back. well not back back i have to give him to animal control, i reported the abuse when the owner came looking for the puppy and they said its a "conflict of intrest to let it stay with me while the alleged abuse is under investigation" fuck them. ok well not i dont really care if he gets to stay with me but i dont want him abused. i want him to be loved as much as possible, i hope that they dont give him back to the owner and that they find him a good family, i love him as much as i tried not to... fucking story of my life, que no?

How Much Is That Doggie In The Window?

I HAVE A PUPPY!!!!!!
Ok so I'm such a little kid sometimes but it makes me happy. I have a puppy he was abandoned and found by one of the parents I work with and she asked someone to take care of him until she could find the owners and I agreed. I named him Ymca (pronounced Yah*mmm*Kah) because that’s how he came to me (that is not the weirdest name I have had for a pet I have had The Dread Pirate Roberts(fish), Wallie(Doberman), Yoda(cat), Iffy(cat), Foofer(cat), Peaches(cat), Lover(Pit Bull), Meow(Pitt Bull), Loki(mutt), Cabbit (cat), Tyrannosaurus Rex aka Killer (miniature Schnauzer), Yum Yum (pig), Munchies (cow), Sparkie (hamster) and probably some I am forgetting since only four of these were actually my pets (DPR, Yoda, Iffy, and Foofer) and the rest were (or are) either my siblings or strays I insisted on befriending, but I'm the official pet namer of my family for some reason) I have decided not to give him back even if they find the owner though, he is showing definite signs of abuse, behaviorally, and I discovered he had a broken rib when I was giving him a bath. He is afraid of men, which makes me think that it is a man who did it and I must say if I find the fucker I might just give him a kick in the ribs and smack him around a little to see how he likes it. I cant imagine anyone wanting to abuse animals or children, especially such a cute puppy like him, hes about three months old judging by size and teeth, and hes a cute little Brindle, I generally don’t like Brindles I prefer brown and white Red Noses, but hes adorable. I made the mistake of letting him sleep in my bed, and he insists on sleeping on top of me or between me and Supes. He refuses to leave my side, except to play with Lover. This is all fine and adorable now, but wont be when he is 150 lbs of pure muscle. I am relieved that he is paper trained and although you can tell he is teething (he started chewing on a potato at my mothers house cause I didn’t have his chew toys with me) he seems to know what to chew (balls chew toys potatoes) and what not to (books, art supplies, shoes)

Ok enough gushing about my puppy. I have been having a lot of strange dreams lately. The one about me and Lindsey at my cousins wedding, fighting over a dress, the one where supes was a homicidal maniac, the one where I was a goddess and Johnny Depp and Batman (it wasn’t one of the actors but if it was it would be more Val Kilmer and definitely not George Clooney) were my love slaves (though I must say that one was nice), but the one I had last night took the cake. I dreamt I had a kid. I dreamt of giving birth, it was the strangest and most painful dream I have had. I'm told that your not supposed to feel your dreams but I do its weird they feel very real (though I'm not sure what birth feels like) and it works both ways with pleasure and pain I can have dreams where I have an orgasm, and I can have dreams where I seriously injure myself, either way I wake up feeling it. Any way needless to say it was painful and scary and weird. My mother and my auntie Geri were yelling at me cause I was holding the baby wrong (my auntie Geri is the last person I would allow in the delivery room… maybe not last but certainly close), Supes was afraid to touch the child cause he was afraid of breaking it, and the baby had curly dark hair which isn’t weird but it also had these beautiful blue eyes, which is almost impossible unless it had my great grandpa’s eyes or was the mailman’s kid. It was very strange and if my Aunt Flo hadn’t been in town to confirm that it cannot be true, I would be seriously freaking right now… lets face it I am freaking any way and I know its impossible.

This is very strange I am surrounded by three rather large snoring dogs right now.

I am so happy I have the day off tomorrow. Two days off all to myself I don’t know what to do with myself. I'm not sure how I feel about Supes’ new schedule he gets home late and works Sunday- Thursday… I'm used to getting stuff done on Fridays I have a routine, and he sort of cramps my style… but its nice to have someone with me. But this whole day to myself on Sunday has me confused, I have done the strangest things today I baked cookies, I took the dog for a long walk, made stew, contemplated how to make a pyramid shaped cake for Larry’s birthday, wrote a rather good short story, got all my laundry done… I feel like Betty Fuckin’ Crocker. I need to get my easel out of storage so I can start painting on a bigger scale, I don’t do this bored housewife thing well. But I know the second I get things out of storage and get settled again they’re gonna sell the house and I will be moving. I think I'm just gonna make supes get an apartment next month, whether he wants to move or not… because I feel the need to settle. I need my own place where I can keep all of my stuff that I love where I can hang up whatever I want in my living room. I want a house but I want school too… right now in the choice between tuition and mortgage I choose tuition because I can and its what I want… that and I like apartments… I'm strange I know, everyone is supposed to like houses… and I do want my own house eventually… but I like having an apartment, maybe I will always keep one as a studio or a quiet place or whatever depending on what it is I decide to do.

SHIT!!!!!

So i just realized that I'm supposed to graduate next year.

oops. i don't have a major... i have most of my liberal arts done... i just have nothing for a major. i think i may graduate by 2017. That is my goal to have completed at least undergrad by 2017.

"If I had to live my life again, I'd make the same mistakes, only sooner." -Tallulah Bankhead

Currently Reading: Les Trois Mousketaires, ok so maybe im not reading it in french... i might make it through like a chapter a month if i were though.
Currently Listnening: "Dare" Gorrilaz (Feel Good Inc.)
Current Emotion: I dunno
Current Hairstyle: two braids
Current thoughts: must make list
Current Feelings: pain
Current Name: Drea Rox
Current Race: Super Hero
Current Mood: Pensive
Current Song: Thanks for the Venom
Current Anime Character I Feel Like: Kagome
Current Weapon: Pen
Current Drink: Odwalla Limeaide
Current Motto: May we all stay crazy and live the bitchin' life
Current Word: Eh
Current Element: Fire, always fire
Current Look: The Ugly Purple Sweater and The Holy Jeans
Current Want: A major

Ouchie. Ouch. Owie. OW!

"My life is brilliant./my love is pure./I saw an angel./Of that I'm sure./She smiled at me on the subway./She was with another man./But I won't lose no sleep on that,/'Cause I've got a plan./You're beautiful. You're beautiful./You're beautiful, it's true./I saw you face in a crowded place,/And I don't know what to do,/'Cause I'll never be with you." James Blunt -Beautiful

"Baby slow down/The end is not as fun as the start/Please stay a child somewhere in your heart/I'll give you everything you want/Except the thing that you want/You are the first one of your kind/And you feel like no one before/You steal right under my door/And I kneel 'cos I want you some more/I want the lot of what you got/ And I want nothing that you're not/Some things you shouldn't get too good at/Like smiling, crying and celebrity/Some people got way too much confidence baby" U2 -Original Of The Species

just shoot me. Please.

word of advice to anyone with half a brain (which is apparently more than i have or will ever have at this rate) DO NOT PLAY SOCCER WITH A SPRAINED ANKLE. No matter how good the drugs make you think its feeling. i would like my foot amputated from the calf down. Actually i kind of like the foot.Maybe i can keep the foot and just hack away the ankle Ok. okI'm being melodramatic.But ow!

it saddens me every time i look in my mailbox and it is empty, well it is never truly empty, but it never has any mail i want to readMaybe i need to write to people more (or at all for that matter)But but its always hard to take the first step its scary and not very good for my rejection fears Really everyone should just write me millions of letters so i can respond.

i lost most of my day yesterday to this stupid ankle and i refuse to go to the er to check it out today. i am not gonna waste another six hours of my life to hear the Dr. (who never really is a But but a nurse practitioner or a third year med student or such not that I'm complaing i just dont want to speand money and time to hear sometone tell me to use the damn crutches and take the damned drugs.

my fears of being contradictory are coming true... some one called me "a refreshing mix of vulgar and classy" at a party this weekend. i didnt know whether to slap the bastard or to thank him for the compliment. I've never really thought of my self as either particularly vulgar(though i was swearing alot, while minding the rest of my manners) or particularly classy and definitely not as a mix... i guess i shall stop (though which part im going to stop both the manners and the swearing are ingrained)

to some one im not even sure reads this ( but have a sneaking suspicion does): i am sorry about what happend to you on monday, i hope everyone is ok and is not too affected. i am glad no one was home because i would be crushed to hear that one of you got hurt by some crackhead looking for a fix. the shoulders here if you need it (ears too). they always will be. dios bendiga su familia, todos se amo.

Surreal Life

so Supes and i were talking about fantasies... and i have decided that i am a hopeless romantic... all of the fantasys he brought up were strictly about sex... mine were about romance and the sex was an afterthought... is that just me or are all women like that? i have some really kinky fantasys but they are exactly that... fantasies... the things i truly desire things like coming home and theres a beautiful dinner prepared candles, wine, then i get led through my beautiful (immaculate) house to the bathroom where there is a champagne bubble bath and rose petals waiting for me (the bubbles wouldnt go flat because.... i said so ok) im then whisked off to a beautiful canopy bed where i would make love till dawn.

my more realistic fantasy is that The Boyscout would get romance lessons :( i have been with supes for almost five years and he has only ever gotten me one flower that i sat on cause i didnt see it on the seat of the car, and that was on our first date. he can be very romantic when he tries to be but its not often at all, and quite frankly it makes me sad because i feel like its saying im just not worth the effort.

i want flowers... no one ever gives me flowers anymore... i think the last ones i got were dasies when i had surgery for my wisdom teeth. i seem to remember daisies and ice cream, which makes me think it was kathleen.... i dont remember too well i was pretty drugged up

i dont think that a woman is supposed to miss stupid little romantic things after a month and a half of marriage. (its my personal opinion that a woman isnt supposed to miss the romantic things ever, the man should make her fall in love with him again time after time... but thats my ideal.) i want to know that i am worth the effort, the commitment, the damn trouble it takes to get in my head and figure out just what the hell it is that i want. he says i am but i want him to show it. ... i feel underappreciated and shallow at the same time.

New Addiction

Sudoku. its a number puzzle thing. v addictive, im hooked.

kats party was great! only Katwoman can Rock a Black Tie Sleepover. gtg must play sudoku.. i can already tell im not gonna get much done by way of homework this semester.

Just Loverly

so i am reading 1984 again... (funny i didnt read it when i was supposed to, but ive read it twice in the last six months) and i've decided i want to be like julia, except with out all the airheadedness about whats going on around me... i think right now i am like julia including the airheadedness. i used to be a real political person, lately i have been driven by my own selfish means and have not watched the news or picked up a paper in months. i must be the only person on the face of this planet that has not seen pictures of Katrina or the tsunami until recently. how unbelievably sad is that for a person who used to make current events her life? for a person who used to rally for causes and seroiusly thought about becoming a lobbyist (though i never told any one... i was already geeky enough and would never be good in politics)... i am ashamed. these past few months and possibly past few years i have lost myself along the way. maybe ive just grown into the shallow kind of person the younger me hated. i dont know the thought of that is too depressing... back to the book.

"thier first lovemaking had been simply an act of will. But after the second time it was different. the smell of her hair, the taste of her mouth, the feeling of ther skin seemed to have gotten inside of him. she had become a physical necessity, something that he not only wanted but felt he had a right to."-1984, George Orwell

i think it is amazing the kind of power sex holds over us...it can turn friends into lovers, lovers into enemies and destroy lives along the way. the act itself expends a lot of energy... but so much more is put into the seduction that leads to it. women put on rouge men put on a show... money time and energy is put into the one thing that we somehow feel can make us as close to a person as humanly possible, but often leaves us feeling more distant than we were at the beginning.

In the sludge drawer of animals in arms,
Where the legs entwine to keep the body warm
Against the winter night, some cold seeps through -
It is the future: say, a square of stars
In the windowpane, suggesting the abstract
And large, or a sudden shift in position
That lets one body know the other's free to move
An inch away, and then a thousand miles,
And, after that, even intimacy
Is only another form of separation.

i'm not sure if i quoted that right and i dont remember the author (something in my head says Howard Moss... i could google it but im lazy today and y'all get the jist of it) ... but this passage, this book keeps bringing the image of that poem to my mind, and the painful memories that it evokes with it. breakups, makeups, and the desire to hold someone so close to me they can no longer breathe. I'm on the verge of tears so i'll change the subject again.

something i ripped off katwomans blog... (that she ripped off bretts, and etc.. and etc..)

1. DO YOU SNORE?: I say no no... the videotape proves otherwise
2. ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?: both... more of a fighter really i have a short fuse and the disposition of a feral cat
3. WHAT'S YOUR WORST FEAR?: falling... in love, out of love, out a window, off a cliff just falling
4. AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?: I still like legos... i take them from the kids
5. WHAT DO YOU THINK OF "REALITY" TV?: i kinda dont watch tv, in general when i do its either music videos or CSI... does CSI count as reality TV
6. DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?: Not until im finished with them... i tear apart everything im a destructive lil bugger
7. WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?: I looked like a doll... I still do when im all made up its kinda freaky
8. IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?: never really had a chance to find out.
9. WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?: its a laptop the whole thing is essentialy a keyboard... grey blue and black
11. HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED? No but the second i convince someone to do it with me i will
12. ANY SECRET TALENTS?: none that are secret.. plenty that are weird
13. WHAT'S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?: blue water, white sand and beautiful sunsets... it exists somewhere im sure
14. IS JAY LENO FUNNY?: Again with the TV... i like Headlines... i hear them the day after on the radio
15. CAN YOU SWIM?: Im part fish
16. HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE "DONNIE DARKO"?: seen it, own it, love it... think the dude has come a long way from Bubble Boy
17. DO YOU GIVE A DARN ABOUT THE OZONE?: Yes, i used to hide Aerosol cans in the store when i was younger so people wouldnt buy them
18. HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOSTIE POP?: i dont know im a biter.
19. CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?: I cant sing it but i can say it zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba (im a loser who alphebetizes too many things too often.
20. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN ON AN AIRPLANE?: Yup.
21. ARE YOU AN ONLY CHILD?: no but i used to pretend im the mail mans kid.
22. DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENERS?: pens generally
23. WHAT'S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?: I dont mind if its done for a purpose but if its just for sport... to hang a head on your wall, and leave the rest to rot, i think that your head should be next to it.
24. IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?: sort of in my past now i guess
25. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?: i have hybrid handwriting.. not quite print not quite cursive... i like it but theres only like five people in the world who can read it
26. WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?: everything... cheap perfume, perfumed soaps lotions etc... almost everything natural, bees, citrus fruits... the list goes on... the good news is im only majorly allergic to bees everything else i can handle in small doses
27. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, "I LOVE YOU"?: this morning quite probably
28. IS TUPAC STILL ALIVE?: the world may never know... the good news is we know he will be dead eventually
29. DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?: god i hate weddings
30. HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS? scrambled with cheese and tomato
31. ARE BLONDES DUMB? yeah but so are brunettes and readheads
32. WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP? They become lawn gnomes.
33. WHAT TIME IS IT?: 1:17 pm
34. DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?: Dont even get me started... well go with drea.
35. IS MCDONALD'S DISGUSTING?: last time i ate Mc Donalds i wound up sick
36. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?: about a half hour ago
37. DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?: shower... baths leave me feeling dirty... when i do take a bath to relax... i have to shower first.
38. IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?: yeah... his name is mom
39. DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?: yes. Yes. YES!
40. ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?: nah, im part vampire too
41. WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?: sex and bubble gum
42. CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?: Creamy, i dont like chunky sandwiches
43. CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK? no!
44. HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?: more than likely but i cant recall
45. HOW MANY TIMES HAVE YOU BRUSHED YOUR TEETH TODAY?: Once.
46. IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?: Speaking from experience... YES!
47. ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?: just a smidge
48. WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?: brown :( but very pretty brown :)
50. DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?: Jurys still out on that, for the most part, yes
51. WHO'S BETTER: STONE COLD OR THE ROCK?: the rock is a total hottie
52. ARE YOU PSYCHIC?: no
53. HAVE YOU READ "CATCHER IN THE RYE"? No
54. DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?: Not well
55. HAVE U EVER STOLEN MONEY? Nope.
56. CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?I dont know... never tried
57. DO YOU LIKE CAMPING? I LOVE CAMPING!!!!!
58. DO U SNORT WHEN U LAUGH?: yes :(
59. DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC? without a doubt
60. ARE DOGS A MAN'S BEST FRIEND? no woman is mans best friend
61. DO YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE? I dont think any one in my family has ever divorced...
62. CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK? I dont know lemme try.. wait.. wait... no
63.DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES? uh, yeah, im human
64. IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY? not really
65. WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?Ice Cream (ok so its not breakfast food.. sue me)
66. DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH? 'Course
67. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN KISSED? millions of times... and it never seems to be enough
68. WHAT'S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL? can you hear me now?... good
69. DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE? no
70. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?just one? what was the last song i heard... oh wait didnt like that one... The Ghost of you My Chemical Romance. v.. sad... or theres always my Tony.... The Way You Look Tonight... that reminds me i need to change my voicemail.

Decipher At Your Own Risk!!!

the following post is nothing other than a bunch of quotes and lyrics that express how i am feeling and what i am thinking of today.

Fall Out Boy:

"I know this hurts, it was meant to/Your secret's out and the best part is it isn't even a good one/And it's mind over (you don't) matter" -Get Busy Living Or Get Busy Dying (DoYour Part To Save The Scene And Stop Going To Shows) (long ass titles are sort of thier thing)

"I'm the first kid to write of hearts, lies, and friends/And I am sorry my conscience called in sick again/And I've got arrogance down to a science/Douse yourself in cheap perfume it's/So fitting of the way you are/You can't cover it up" -I Slept With Someone In Fall Out Boy And All I Got Was This Stupid Song Written About Me

"The best part of "Believe" is the "Lie,"/I hope you sing along and you steal a line/I need to keep you like this in my mind/So give in or just give up" -Sophmore Slump or Comeback of The Year

"Are we growing up or just going down/It's just a matter of time until we're all found out/Take our tears and put them on ice/I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light"- Sophmore Slump or Comeback of The Year

"I'm sleeping my way out of this one/With anyone who will lie down/I'll be stuck fixated on one star/When the world is crashing down" 7 Minutes In Heaven

"And I want to be known for my hits, not just my misses/I took a shot and didn't even come close/At trust and love and hope/And the poets are just kids who didn't make it/Who never had it at all/And the record won't stop skipping/And the lies just won't stop slipping"- I've Got A Dark Alley And A Bad Idea That Says You Should Shut Your Mouth

"Keep quiet,/Nothing comes as easy as you./Can I lay in your bed all day?/I'll be your best kept secret/And your biggest mistake./The hand behind this pen relives a failure every day./And I'll keep my jealousy close,/'Cause it's all mine./And if you say this makes you happy,/Then I'm not the only one lying."- Nobody Puts Baby In a Corner

"I'm two quarters and a heart down/And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds/These words are all I have so I write them/I need them just to get by/Why don't you show me the little bitty spark/You've been saving for his mattress (love)/Dance, Dance/We're falling apart to half time/Dance, Dance/And these are the lives you love to lead/Dance this is the way they'd look/If they knew/Misery loves me" - Dance Dance

"Turn off the lights and turn off the shyness/All of our moves make up for the silence/And oh, the way your makeup stains my pillowcase/Like I'll never be the same" -Of All The Gin Joints In The World

"It's just past 8 and I'm feeling young and reckless/The ribbon on my wrist says, "Do not open before Christmas./We're only liars, but we're the best" - Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn't Get Sued

My Chemical Romance

"Well if you wanted honesty, that's all you had to say/I never want to let you down or have you go/It's better off this way/For all the dirty looks... I'm not OK/ You War me Out" -I Promise

"Do you remember that day when we metou told me this gets harder Well, it did/Been holding on forever/The damage, you've inflicted temporary wounds/I'm coming back from the dead and I'll take you home with me/I'm taking back the life you stole" Its Not A Fashion Statement, Its A Fucking Deathwish

random

"listen carefully to the sound/Of your loneliness/Like a heartbeat drives you mad/In the stillness of remembering what you had/And what you lost/Yeah, thunder only happens when it's raining/Players only love you when they're playing" The Coors -Dreams

Please just don't play with me/My paper heart will bleed/This wait for destiny won't do/Be with me please I beseach you/Simple things, that make you run a-way/Catch you if I can/Tears fall, down your face/The taste, is something new/Something that I know/Moving on is, easiest when I am around you/.So bottle up old love,/And throw it out to sea,/Wash it away as you cry" All American Rejects -My Paper Heart

Einstein

A perfection of means, and confusion of aims, seems to be our main problem.

A person who never made a mistake never tried anything new.

A question that sometimes drives me hazy: am I or are the others crazy?

Any man who can drive safely while kissing a pretty girl is simply not giving the kiss the attention it deserves.

Anyone who doesn't take truth seriously in small matters cannot be trusted in large ones either.

Confusion of goals and perfection of means seems, in my opinion, to characterize our age.

Education is what remains after one has forgotten what one has learned in school.

Few are those who see with their own eyes and feel with their own hearts

God may be subtle, but he isn't plain mean.

Damsel in Distress

"I never said I'd lie in wait forever/if I died we'd be together/ I cant always just forget her/ but she could try/ at the end of the world/ or at least what I see/ you are never coming home/ could I/ should I?/ and all the things that you never ever told me/ and all the smiles that are ever ever/ ever/ get the feeling that your never/ all alone and I remember now/... all the wounds that are ever gonna scar me/ and all the ghosts that are never gonna catch me/ if I fall down."- My Chemical Romance The Ghost of You

So i fancy myself sort of a feminist. i dont mean that i think that men are idiots and women should rule the world. (many men are idiots but its sort of on a case by case basis) j/k. i just think that women should know how to take care of things thier own damn selves and i hate, and i do mean hate it when i go to do something mechanical and i get passed over and they start speaking to my husband. i do most of the work on my car, it is much easier for me than for any man i know because of my smaller hands. i know alot about cars, i know much more than supes and have upset more than one mechanic when i tell them so. but... im starting to see there might just be something to this whole damsel in distress thing...

i got a nail in my tire. (its been one of those days) so i went to changed my tire. when i lowered the car, the spare was flat. (loverly) so i had to put the tire with the nail back on because it was retaining some air and at least it was not on the rim. i took it to a mechanic and asked them to repair it. the man was talking to me like i had idiot stamped on my forehead, but i had no choice because i was in the middle of nowhere. so i played along acting like i didnt even know how to change a damn tire. he took it upon himself to not only repair the tire ("you got good tires miss you just cant be running over sharp things" oh really now i was trying to pop it like a baloon), rotate my tires ("these here front tires are wearing out faster because thats where all the weight of the engine is" that, and the fact that my car is front wheel drive dumbass), air the spare, check all the fluids ("your engines in good condition, your husband must be good about mantenince" mother fucker dont make me hurt you)... but he did all this for free. i think i should play nice more often. the smile and wink come naturally, but swallowing my pride isnt all that easy.

when angry count to four, when very angry swear" -Mark Twain

Its over! (almost)

Thank You For The Venom

sister
I'm not much a poet but a criminal
and you never had a chance
love it or leave it you can understand
a pretty face but you do so carry on
I wouldn't front the scene if you paid me
I'm just the way that life has made me
on and on
you'll never make me leave
I wear this on my sleeve
give me a reason to believe
so gimme all your poison
and gimme all your pills
and gimme all your hopeless hearts and make me ill
your running after something that you'll never kill
if this is what you want
then fire at will
black is the kiss the touch of a serpent son
it aint the mark or the scar that makes you one

CD purchase of the week My Chemical Romance: three cheers for sweet revenge... very good if your feeling angry and kind of vengeful.

i just found out that supes doesnt read my blog... still not sure how i feel about that, about the same i guess, since i wouldnt really want him reading my journal though he sees right through my poetry ( when he actually gets around to reading it) and my paintings. he sees right through it but i was just thinking about aaron who used to get it, who used to get me because of it. its a rare thing when someone can do that and it still makes me think of him in a special light. i think i should stop wearing my heart on my sleeve, and then putting it in words and on canvass.

speaking of painting leo was fabulous and bought me a bunch of canvasses for christmas, and my dad was like "you paint?" (ouch) i've been painting for quite some time now, for at least six or seven years... its sort of a major thing to me... and it just made me realize how distant we have become... im just waiting for the day when hes like "you write?"

so i finally got katwomans b-day gift before the day of her b-day (but her christmas gift is late so take the average and theyre both on time?) i really wanted to keep her birthday gift but i didnt think it would work out so well for me... eh she should love it... and if she doesnt i believe in gift recipts. (or she can regift and give it to me)

so i have decided i should never have kids for genetic reasons. i was thinking no matter what our kid would be pretty much fucked. the kid wouldnt be able to beat the genetics it would be near sighted ADD dyslexic, crazy as all get out... and a host of other things... unless it was like my bro who kinda hit the genetic jackpot, being a perfect physical specimen with no effort (well except for the eyebrow that makes him look like frida cahlo was his mother) and smart and charming and all that jazz.

i am kinda sick of parties. i want january to be over already. i mean i love the people throwing the parties... its just these past like three weeks have been rather killer. i am not looking forward to katwomans party cause i know someone will be there... but we both have enough class to not make a scene.

oh yeah chris the piss is back on my radar. i was basically over our non relationship when he called me Speds sister, which just made me want to kill the little fucker again but then i heard something that made me think differently about that, and now that i was finaly getting over that... hes back on the radar and under my skin and i still truly want to kill the little fucker. ( though now im calm enough to see i really have no reason... but that doesnt stop the desire)

that reminds me of something anthony said to me right before the whole chris thing began "hate is just another form of passion." it is very true i used to think i loved him... now i think i may have just hated him all along.

"I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world." Albert Einstein