hmmm 4 am and the worlds asleep.

Artist: Natasha Bedingfield
Album: Unwritten
Title: Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I think my parents are fighting, I went to the kitchen to get some water and my dad was sleeping on the couch. My parents never sleep together any more but this was still strange my dad never sleeps on the couch no matter how pissed one of them is. My mom wakes up when my dad goes to sleep at like six am but on a day like today if he's sleeping before six they usually sleep in the same bed. I dunno either that or he's sitting alone in the dark again. I really don't understand why those two are still married.

Whatever, not my crown of thorns.

I love you Susie. Ill try to get some sleep now.

Marissa Marie

Eight pounds ten ounces, 28 1/2 inches long she didn't have a baby she pushed out a butterball. Thirteen hours of labor. Holy hell. Well congratulations.

I have treated myself today, Maggie called me for a manicure just before I did my own, I got a hair cut, I went to dinner at my favorite resturant just because I wanted the soup, and I watched a movie all by myself. It was quite lovely. And now I think I will go to bed, I gotta help Aileen in the morning I forgot I promised her on Friday id help her with her budget.

maru

my nipples hurt.

I have no clue why they hurt like hell it just started randomly. So my cousin has started having contractions. This is disturbing to me I can't imagine having a baby now and I have a job and I'm pretty stable and am much older than her, I don't think I'm ready and don't know if I ever will be, but here she is bearly turned 16 and has started going into labor. I don't know, if my Nana can do it at that age and my mom did it at 19 its possible, I just think its crazy.

I'm feeling better, after my little woe is me self pity party earlier I cried myself to sleep for a few hours and I woke up realizing I think that's the first time I've relaxed in a very long time. Lately I've been sleeping cause I make myself or out of sheer exhaustion. I'm not feeling so drained anymore its amazing what a good cry and a few hours will do. I'm tired again but its not exhaustion now its just general sleepiness I don't know if I should fight it or just give in that would be a solid 12 hours of sleep if I do fall asleep, but you know what I think I need it. I think I need to stop fighting what feels good. So goodnight moon goodnight sky, goodnight to the apple of my eye. I love you I love you I love you goodnight.

i smell like shalimar

And its driving me insane.

She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave him everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come loving up on her
Give a little, then take it back
She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot them down
Lord he loved to make her cry
You're crazy for believing
You'll ever leave the ground
He said, Only angels know how to fly
And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

I am exhausted in every way possible. All I want right now is to curl up in a warm set of arms and bawl my eyes out. I'm not very particular about whose arms right now, which is probably a bad thing. Lover is laying right next to me snoring away and I can't help but wish he understood so I could tell him everything. He's the only one who hugs me lately, but its not the same, paws dig and and if I hug him back he tries to lick my face.

I fought with the bank today and last night and I fought with him and everythings as it should be, but I feel empty. I felt bad today I looked at his arms and I looked at his chest and I couldn't help but think how easy it would be to slip in them and rest my head. I didn't and I'm glad but I was tempted, I'm so fucking lonely physically its sad. I had no desire to sleep with him but, to be held, I just want to be held, its almost to the point of being a need. I should shut up there's people in Somalia that need food there's people down the block that need education hell there's people in this house that need help, being held us not a need. I am stronger than that. Everythings just dandy.

I'm just imbalanced and I think maybe I should go to the doctor and see if it is sleep or stress or hormones or even my biggest dread, the d word again. and I should take care of it. I just don't have the strength to fight it right now. I need to take care of myself but I really don't care. And that's bad.

Eek!

So tomorrow I get to testify in front of the senate on behalf of the nmccea to raise the poverty level to 200% for state child care contracts. I am still sick and I have to be up and presentable and across town ready to go to Santa fe by 645 tomorrow morning. I am not looking forward to that. I am kinda enjoying this class but I wish they didn't have to cram in a whole semester into a week. My site directors seem lost and I've realized I am waay underpaid. But I love the y. I am nervous. Very very nervous. I like this feeling though I haven't been to the roundhouse, and I haven't been in the senate chambers in years I kind of like the feeling, the chance to make a difference. I think as much as I hate politicians I would make a great one. Thank you Susie for turning me into a charmer.

expired

They still say I'm not dying, I don't call waking up unable to breathe at three am living. But ill believe them. Still haven't had my aunt visit although she sent her friends. Oh well I'm not worried, I haven't done anything in way too long to worry snout.

So I'm having a moral dilemma, possibly brought on by the fever. I have a friend, I'm not gonna mention her name we'll call her... Mamasita. Mamasita just got her divorce finalized, like day befor yesterday. She is pregnant, due in July and I just found out the woman her ex husband cheated on her with is also pregnant, not sure when she's due, nor do I really care cause I don't know her. So my dilemma is that I want to help Aileen, she's good people, but she's like me she's proud and won't take it. I give her flowers and tell her she looks beautiful and try to help her mentaly but I know if I were to, say, go out and buy a supply of diapers or a crib, that she would be furious. So how do I help her, her husband's a heel and useless. Oh ex. Ok drea we can't save the world, hey I could just sneak in and hide her stuff in the preschool like under her desk.

I dunno am I crazy, I'm a little crazy its alright though. My new assistant patricia asked me if I needed to be set up, what is it with people wanting to set me up do I look lonely or am I just that bitchy when I don't get any? Well I kinda left myself open for that one, she invited me to a valentines day social, and I asked her if there would be any hot single guys there and she said drea, do you need to be set up that could be arranged. Ha ha. I told her I have enough men problems without throwing another one in the mix. She looked surprised.

I am so thirsty you don't even know. I feel slightly better than yesterday I don't think I need to go to the Dr. I do wish I had some black walnut tincture I think this thing would have been gone already. Oh well.

Speaking of black walnut I heard through the grapevine aka Kat that she's pregnant with a little girl, somehow I never saw that one coming. I just read her blog recently and the last post is in November about someone peeing in a coffee shop, you'd think if you were pregnant you'd be happy and tell the world. I don't know I wish her baby the best of luck.

Oh my the cough syrup jitters are going away and I'm getting sleepy. And its only five am

Its taken me six hours to watch this movie. And its still not over this Brian guy spends 99 percent of the time falling down. I would not want him to be my firefighter. Although he's kinds cute and Kurt Russel is hot.oops I think he just died

sick and dying

Ok so I'm not dying and I'm not sick. Ok so maybe I'm actually sick AGAIN! But I've been informed I'm not dying.

I hate preschoolers with their cute little germy hugs and adorable germ covered presents. Grrr.

So what are my issues, what are the last things I talked about? How long has it been? Does it really take a major cold to get me to slow down enough to blog?

Paul Lwali,(Polly wolly doodle all day! sorry couldn't help it) my new boss, issue numero uno. I haven't decided how I feel about Paul, there are moments when I think he could be a pretty cool guy and then there are the times that I just wanna punch him in the nose. But I wanna punch everyone in the nose lately. Ok here's how I feel he's competent he's personable he will take the westside to new heights, he was actually my favorite choice for new exec because of the way he wants to change things. Personality flaws are secondary, I don't necesisarily need to like my boss, he's not my direct supervisor and he's the kind of person who is smart enough to apologize after pissing me off. But I think I actually will like him once he gets used to the way things are out here.

Issue numero deux, salary. Grrr! I really wish I knew what my new salary was gonna be. Its driving me insane and I'm equally hoping its not going to much more than I'm making now because I don't want to realize I'm THAT underpaid, and hoping that it is much more than I'm making now cause I could really use the money. Watch it be like 50 cents ill be pissed. The only thing I know is that the budget was not set up to support it and I was budgeted for twenty seven so do I dare hope for thirty, I'm easily worth thirty five without a degree. But I don't dare hope for that. All I know is that right now I'm getting the shaft and not the good kind.

Speaking of not getting the good kind of shaft, someone who's name I will not mention gave someone else who's name I also won't mention my personal cell phone number, had this been anyone other than the psychoanalyst that called me a liar I might be ok with that, wait, no, no, still not ok, but since this guy is clueless and irritatingly persistant I find myself highly annoyed.

I keep dozing off, I need to send out those valentines cards. I hate valentines day all that icky l word stuff. Is it bad that I'm thinking about sending off valenines cards when I look over and see Christmas presents still neatly stacked in the corner? But to my defense the mailbox is much closer than the post office. And I even have stamps. Oh crap its my dads birthday.

food for thought.

Who came up with that expression? Why is our society obsessed with food?

So. I am starting a fitness program. I was gonna start tomorrow but I decided there's no time like the present. As part of this finess program I am supposed to keep a journal. 12 goals (10 short two long term) activities I did what I've eaten and how I feel about it. What my mood is like and five things I like about myself. Oh and one daily goal for the next day. Am I gonna do that on here? Hell no! But ill do todays just for the hell of it. Oh yeah I'm also supposed to take nearly naked pictures of myself front and back and measurments. I'm dreading that part. But if I'm going to commit to this thing I'm going to commit I have to start someday and it might as well be now. Ok so here goes the start and only public part of my fitness journal. (wish me luck on the next ten weeks!).

2 long term goals one physical one spiritual, ok physical is easy, I want to avoid having a heart attack and diabetes by the time I'm 30. Spiritual, I would like to look in the mirror a year from today and say damn I'm hot! And to feel it through and through.

Ten short term five physical five spiritual.
1. Hmmm. Get through this program for ten weeks.
2. To drop at least one dress size.
3. To realize chocolate is a treat not a dietary staple.
4. To drink as much water as I should
5. To sleep at least seven hours straight, nightly.
1. To control my road rage.
2. To appreciate the little things
3. To believe people when they say I'm pretty.
4. To fight for my self worth
5. To stop sweating the small stuff.

Activities I have done, right now, nothing, by the end of the day, this will change.

What I have eaten,
Tuna salad and crackers. Some flaming hot lays.
Chicken alfedo on ziti.
Mixed veggies.

How I feel about this, well not too good, the carbs have made me kinda sleepy, and potato chips and pasta are not diet food. But seeing as I have had no candy no leftover Christmas cookies and none of that cheesecake in the fridge, I'm doing better. But now I really want a glass of milk, I wonder if I can get her to start buying 2%?

How I feel, kinda sleepy, determined, nervous for some reason. What's bothering me? The pseudo-hook up from last night. What's making me happy? Someone loves me.

Five things I like about me... Uh, my pretty manicure, my beautiful eyes, my ummm, damnit I have to do this every day? Uh my newfound control in my life, my car, my curiosity.

Tomorrow I want to complete all my work before 300.

Eh that's not so bad. I can do that daily and it gives me an excuse to go out and buy a new journal on Friday.