so apparently thats not an option.

One out of every four women experience bleeding during the first half of their pregnancy. Half of those will have happy healthy babies half of those will miscarry. We don't know why there is nothing you did wrong, there is nothing you void have done to prevent this. You could have been laying on your back having someone feed you grapes and the same thing would have happened. The risks are the same for someone taking it easy at home as they are for someone working 100 hours a week. You could have gone bungee jumping last week and been fine. We don't know why this happens but it does. What I can tell you is that a woman who has one Miscarriage has the same chnce of having a happy healthy baby as a woman who has never had one.

Its amazing how I can remember what he said exactly and I still have no clue what day it is.

i want to curl up and die.

That's all there isn't any more.

potato soup.

How can something so simple taste so good?
Potato soup, aka "caldo"

Potatoes, meat (chicken pork, beef, whatever you have), one half onion, salt and pepper, water. Cook meat till its starts to brown, add cubed potatoes, cook about half way add chopped onion, cook until transparent, add water salt and pepper to taste. Boil about 10 mins and ta da! Instant happiness.

Here's where I stand:

My hormone levels dropped yesterday. I have an appointment tomorrow, I am going stir crazy and want to go back to work Thursday. Ok so I'm going crazy but I've pretty much stopped bleeding so I'm gonna chill a little.

12.5 hours later...

And I know about as much as I went in with. They don't know why I'm bleeding. But since my ultra sound, my hormone screen, and the millions of other tests they ran came back normal, I may not be having a miscarriage. But there's still the chance I may. Woo who! Twelve and a half hours and seventy five dollars later to be back where I was. At least I'm not bleeding as much anymore.

i wanna go home.

Here I sit in the er and alli want is to go home. I've been spotting all day, all weekend really buy particularly bad today,and now I'm bleeding, and now here I sit in the er thinking that I could just be sitting around at home. The triage nurse told me not to worry unless I start bleeding like I'm in a horror movie. So yay! Something to look forward to. I don't know. I really do not want to be miscarrying but I think its happening.

I will post more later when I know what is going on.

misnomer

They say morning sickness I say morning wellness, cause I'm kinda screwed over for the rest of the day.

Is it to early in my healthy eating habits for my body to be rejecting. Chocolate? Or is it coincidence that I have gotten ill two days in a row after eating a brownie? I give up. Ill stick to broccoli.

So I read too much but it let's me know I'm ok. So what is normal for the first trimester by the end of the first month the heart is beating the brain nervous system arms and legs start to form and the baby is the size of a ourze of rice, during the second month (where I am) all organs are fully formed fingers toes arms and legs can move and the baby is the size of a grape.

Ooh intresting. The normal things for a body,
"you may feel tired." or you know, completely exhausted.
"You may have an upset stomach and you may throw up" you may be afraid of brushing your teeth or drinking milk.
"You may have sore breasts" yeah. Sore kinda itchy and real sensitive.
"You may gain or lose weight." Uh ok?
"you may need to urinate more" like every twenty minutes.
"you may feel moody or 'cranky' like before or during your period." I believe the term is heinous bitch.
"you may also feel afraid or happy, that's normal" how about both at the same time?

So apparently I'm completely normal. That makes me happy. Well maybe not happy but at least feeling a little better.

vitamin c

C for chocolate? Ok so I have been very good about not eating junk, but I made brownies this morning and everyone knows you can't make brownies and not eat them, although, I did make 56 cupcakes the other day and not touch a single one. My diet was failing miserably until last week when I found out that I am going to have a little person inhabiting my body for the next eight months. Funny cause I was just talking about how I wasn't going to ever have kids because I am incompetent. So my diet has changed for the better lean protien, few carbs lots of fruit (except grapefruit the bastards!) yogurt and cheese cause I can't drink milk lately, and tons and tons of veggies. So basically I'm eating how I should always have been eating and don't know why I haven't cause I like all the things I listed. Chocolate is no longer a food group, and I have tried eliminating all empty calories, of course try being the operative word, I have succeeded except for today with those wretched wretched brownies. Orange juice is my best friend and my tooth brush is my enemy.

So, I am almost over the whole shock of the matter. I am scared shitless, but starting to get kind of excited. My family took the whole, I'm still getting divorced and going to raise this child on my own thing, better than I thought, they are all psyched, my Nana wants to start shopping already, my grandpa said I can use his amex to my hearts content, and I already have four people planning a baby shower, or showers? This child is coming into a lot of love and support and that takes a big weight off my back.

Granted all's not well in paradise, I'm having mood swings and I'm exhausted, so much so that I thought I was depressed before I found out what was going on, I can't stop using the bathroom, I am thirsty as a friggin camel at a watering hole, I think my breasts are already growing, I'm scared shitless, and my first conversation with my obgyn ended in the phrase "seriously, you need to chill out before you lose this baby, see you on the ninth, remember to come early" this is not cre reassuring to say to someone that is already crying at the drop of a gay and couldn't give up her obsessive compulsive type a control freaking ways if her life depended on it.

But I have I relaxed I have relinquished control of half my responsibilities, and therefore half my raise, because I do not want anything to happen. I am going to have to make a conscience effort to chill, but I will.

Its late and I have to get up and be at the office early cause I forgot the most important part of the things I have to work on at the office silly me. So goodnight moon, goodnight sky, goodnight to the apple of my eye.

I love yall goodnight.

music and lyrics

I stand in line for todays hottest romantic comedy and I'm am surrounded by disgustingly happy couples and I can't help but wonder how many of these people are actually disgustingly happy and not just pretending to be for the sake of the date. Who knows I'm half tempted to ask them all but somethings are better left in answered, besides, I'd like to think prole can love one another even if it is fake and only for one day.

my list

El nino
Bologna
March of dimes
Patricia Johnson
America
Exhaustion
World heath organizaion
Hormones
Colds

I'm sure there's more I had the list pretty long before I left work today. But thatll do for now I need sleep.

Tommy Mara and the saints

So I had to drop off the face of the planet for a few hours. I went to an appointment and came back to 13 text messages 10 missed calls and seven voicemail. After that and hearing some news I had to drop off the planet. Alas I sick at it. So here I am at home watching some old movie on the Christian family channel with a Maureen O'hara look alike and censoring myself oh here. I had Bette go to bed seeing as I have to go to Ventana ranch at 645 tomorrow Morning and I am exhausted as it is.

hmmm 4 am and the worlds asleep.

Artist: Natasha Bedingfield
Album: Unwritten
Title: Unwritten

I am unwritten, can't read my mind, I'm undefined
I'm just beginning, the pen's in my hand, ending unplanned

I break tradition, sometimes my tries, are outside the lines
We've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I think my parents are fighting, I went to the kitchen to get some water and my dad was sleeping on the couch. My parents never sleep together any more but this was still strange my dad never sleeps on the couch no matter how pissed one of them is. My mom wakes up when my dad goes to sleep at like six am but on a day like today if he's sleeping before six they usually sleep in the same bed. I dunno either that or he's sitting alone in the dark again. I really don't understand why those two are still married.

Whatever, not my crown of thorns.

I love you Susie. Ill try to get some sleep now.

Marissa Marie

Eight pounds ten ounces, 28 1/2 inches long she didn't have a baby she pushed out a butterball. Thirteen hours of labor. Holy hell. Well congratulations.

I have treated myself today, Maggie called me for a manicure just before I did my own, I got a hair cut, I went to dinner at my favorite resturant just because I wanted the soup, and I watched a movie all by myself. It was quite lovely. And now I think I will go to bed, I gotta help Aileen in the morning I forgot I promised her on Friday id help her with her budget.

maru

my nipples hurt.

I have no clue why they hurt like hell it just started randomly. So my cousin has started having contractions. This is disturbing to me I can't imagine having a baby now and I have a job and I'm pretty stable and am much older than her, I don't think I'm ready and don't know if I ever will be, but here she is bearly turned 16 and has started going into labor. I don't know, if my Nana can do it at that age and my mom did it at 19 its possible, I just think its crazy.

I'm feeling better, after my little woe is me self pity party earlier I cried myself to sleep for a few hours and I woke up realizing I think that's the first time I've relaxed in a very long time. Lately I've been sleeping cause I make myself or out of sheer exhaustion. I'm not feeling so drained anymore its amazing what a good cry and a few hours will do. I'm tired again but its not exhaustion now its just general sleepiness I don't know if I should fight it or just give in that would be a solid 12 hours of sleep if I do fall asleep, but you know what I think I need it. I think I need to stop fighting what feels good. So goodnight moon goodnight sky, goodnight to the apple of my eye. I love you I love you I love you goodnight.

i smell like shalimar

And its driving me insane.

She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave him everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come loving up on her
Give a little, then take it back
She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot them down
Lord he loved to make her cry
You're crazy for believing
You'll ever leave the ground
He said, Only angels know how to fly
And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

I am exhausted in every way possible. All I want right now is to curl up in a warm set of arms and bawl my eyes out. I'm not very particular about whose arms right now, which is probably a bad thing. Lover is laying right next to me snoring away and I can't help but wish he understood so I could tell him everything. He's the only one who hugs me lately, but its not the same, paws dig and and if I hug him back he tries to lick my face.

I fought with the bank today and last night and I fought with him and everythings as it should be, but I feel empty. I felt bad today I looked at his arms and I looked at his chest and I couldn't help but think how easy it would be to slip in them and rest my head. I didn't and I'm glad but I was tempted, I'm so fucking lonely physically its sad. I had no desire to sleep with him but, to be held, I just want to be held, its almost to the point of being a need. I should shut up there's people in Somalia that need food there's people down the block that need education hell there's people in this house that need help, being held us not a need. I am stronger than that. Everythings just dandy.

I'm just imbalanced and I think maybe I should go to the doctor and see if it is sleep or stress or hormones or even my biggest dread, the d word again. and I should take care of it. I just don't have the strength to fight it right now. I need to take care of myself but I really don't care. And that's bad.