hastings has $.49 books

Coffee makes me feel like superwoman.

It’s hard to play hooky and still feel like superwoman, but damned if I’m not gonna try.
Today I have:
Gone to work
Substituted
Gone to the office
Gotten breakfast
Gone book shopping
Gone to my grandmothers house
Gone running
Saved a chipmunk
Gone to work
Gone home
Gotten the salaries and childcare rates for 20 places in Albuquerque
Baked bread
Read up on divorce in New Mexico
Balanced my checkbook
Made dinner
Started filling out the petition for divorce
Cleaned my room
Cleaned out my car
Planned out my schedule for next week
Finished my ironing
And its only 6:15

Divorce in a box

So I’m feeling kind of scummy cause I bought the divorce in a box (its not called that, it is called “the simplified divorce kit for no fault divorces”) and I’m actually contemplating using it, because it will save me time and money spent on an attorney, two things I don’t have. But I still feel scummy.

Under this national rain cloud
I’m getting soaked to the skin
Trying to find my umbrella
But I don’t know where to begin
And its simply irrational weather
I can’t even hear myself think
Constantly bailing out water
But still feel like I’m gonna sink
Cause I’m under the weather,
Just like the world
So sorry for being so bold
When I turn out the light
You’re out of sight
Although I know that I’m not alone
It feels like home
You say you feel like a natural person
You haven’t got nothing to hide
So why do you feel imperfection
Cut like a sword in your side
Cause you’re under the weather
Just like the world
Sorry for being so bold
I turn out the light
You’re out of sight
Although I know I’m alone
It feels like home

Don’t wanna be second best
Don’t wanna stand in line
Don’t wanna fall behind
Don’t wanna get caught out
Don’t wanna do without
And the lesson I must learn
Is that I’ve got to wait my turn
Looks like I gotta be hot and cold
Gotta be taut and old
Gotta be good as gold
But perfectly honestly
I think I won’t pick that for me
Cause it’s a hindrance to my health
If I’m a stranger to myself
Miniature disasters
And minor catastrophes
Bring me to my knees
Well I must be my own master
Or the miniature disasters will be
Will be the death of me
I don’t have to raise my voice
Don’t have to be underhand
Just gotta understand
That it’s gonna be up and down
Gonna be lost and found
And I can’t take to the sky
Before I like it on the ground
And I need to be patient
And I need to be brave
And I need to discover
How I need to behave
And I’ll find all the answers
When I know what to ask
But I speak a different language
And everyone’s talking too fast


The letter I wrote him the first time (last August) found amongst the many, many boxes of shit I have been delegated to go through on my own:

Dear Lorenzo,

I haven’t written a letter to you in a very long time. If you are reading this, it means I royally fucked up what I was trying to say.

I love you. This is a fact that I know will never change. I will love you until the day I die…

I’m leaving you. It’s not because of anything you’ve done, and I do not love you any less than the day I first started; I am leaving you because I am no longer sure of myself.

You and I are in two different worlds, I have been trying for years to fit into yours. I feel like a square peg in a round hole, I can’t be anything other than who I am and I shouldn’t have to be. It has taken me five years and a lot of growing to realize this. I cannot hold you back from the things you want to do but I cannot allow myself to be held back either. But I am. You don’t do this to me intentionally but I want so many things and I can’t allow myself to do them because of what I feel it will do to you.

I do not want this to be a goodbye. I have just come to terms with the fact that I am growing up, and I fear growing away from you. I have no patience for you lately. I need a break I don’t know how long it will be. I would like you to be willing to wait for me, but I will understand if you can’t, I will cross that bridge when I get there; this one is hard enough for me as it is. I will always love you, but right now that’s not enough because I need to learn to love myself. I don’t know this person I have become. I have lost sight of my goals because I am trying to adjust my life around you. If I didn’t love you anymore this would be so much easier, but its not.

I would marry you tomorrow if you asked, and if you asked my dad for my hand. But I know that will never happen.

You haven’t done anything wrong; I just need more life experience than I can get with you. I need to finish school; to see what I want; to take opportunities that I couldn’t if I were worried about you the whole time. I need to discover who I truly am, I am afraid that I will never be completely happy with you until I can be completely happy with myself without you. I need to be a whole person, need to be a complete adult, and I need the same from you in order to have any chance for our relationship to stand the strain of time and life.

I am scared and confused.

I am afraid that I will marry you and we will end in divorce a few years down the line, or even worse that we will stay together forever ruining our chance at the happiness life could possibly have in store.

I am leaving and I’m sorry

Love,
Xuppy

I hate it when I’m right. All the reasons I listed for leaving him the first time (and then some) were still true, and we are ending in divorce, it hasn’t even been a year. I should have never run back to him but I did because he was safe and known, and it felt like the rest of my life was falling down around my ears. I needed a safe harbor and I thought I found it in him, but he could not protect me from the harm he was inflicting himself. I knew as I was walking down the aisle that I should not have been doing what I was doing, but I did it anyway, and I have deeply hurt him and myself in the process. It would have been much easier if I had just said no, it would have been much easier to say no if his grandmother was not there, and his grandmother wouldn’t have been there if he hadn’t spilled the beans. but I have no one to blame but myself, I should have had the strength to put a stop to things before they got to that point, but I saw my chance at a secure life and I decided to take it. Security is overrated. All I want now is my independence, something I haven’t really known since, well since ever. I want to put this behind me and I don’t want to hurt him any more than I have. I will think long and hard before I get married again, if I ever do decide to get married again.

Poem I wrote on him the last time I slept with him, it was a very sensual experience before the world crashed

i’d forgotten
how
big
your feet were
until
i laid mine on yours
one
across your toes
one
across the heel
and realized
they didn’t touch
i’d forgotten
how
small and delicate
your
big
rough hands
could
make me feel
until
they were inside me
and
i was
lost
i’d forgotten
how
your
long loving arms
could make
the passion inside me
burn
until
you wrapped one
around my waist
and pulled me
by
my shoulder
into you
completely
i’d forgotten
how
your heart sounds
until
i laid
my head
on
your chest
and felt
life
caress my cheek
i didn’t forget
that you love me
or that I love you
and
always
will.
i didn’t forget
my
favorite spot
below the
ear
or
how to
drive you crazy
with a smile
i want to
keep
the memories
inside
me
in
my skin
or
in
my heart
it is there the
memories remain
is it harder
to
keep them
to the flesh
or
to the brain
or
to relinquish
all three
to my pen
you are mine
and i
i am yours
and we will be
forever
even
after the end
even
after life goes on
and
i
will never
allow
myself
to forget
again

I know this is TMI for you people, but I need to get laid. I need that physical connection, I would like the emotional connection, but I don’t know if I will ever have that again. In a perfect world, but the world isn’t perfect, it’s the only one I have. My pillow just cant compare, cant love me back the way I wish it could, it doesn’t smell like a man, it doesn’t feel like a man, in my dreams it is my man, but this is not enough. On the other hand something in my heart is telling me I’m not ready, that I still need to heal. If the man who was supposed to love me for the rest of my life can up and leave my bed for another woman, what could John Q. Sample do? I still feel like I wasn’t worth the effort to him, and I don’t know if I ever will be to anyone, the love of my life included.