America Ferreira is gorgeous

The Poet
Ralph Waldo Emerson

A moody child and wildly wise
Pursued the game with joyful eyes,
Which chose, like meteors, their way,
And rived the dark with private ray:
They overleapt the horizon’s edge,
Searched with Apollo’s privilege;
Through man, and woman, and sea, and star
Saw the dance of nature forward far;
Through worlds, and races, and terms, and times
Saw musical order, and pairing rhymes.

Olympian bards who sung
Divine ideas below,
Which always fund us young,
And always keep us so.

So I am watching Oprah… well not really watching Oprah but its on in the background and Selma Hayek came on, I love Selma, I think she’s one of the most beautiful people in the world and she’s smart and Hispanic too… any way what was I talking about oh yeah she was plugging her new show Ugly Betty, (based off one of my grandmas favorite telenovelas Betty la fea) and America Ferreira came on and I was wowed. I have loved America Ferreira since Real Women Have Curves, because she is so smart and so pretty and seems like she is such a genuinely good person and she brought up a good point, that we need more people like ugly betty in this day and age people that are more concerned with doing the best job they can and being compassionate in everyday life that it is an irony to call them ugly because they are so beautiful on the inside. She was talking about how there are so many girls in this day and age that are smart and kind and lose that while they are trying to compete with the pretty girls, that we should have more women being concerned about their achievements than their lip gloss. Ok so that’s not exactly what she said I am putting a bit of myself in there but that was the gist of it.

So I agree, wholeheartedly. I have seen girls, brilliant girls become more concerned with trivialities than with humanity. And I am afraid I am becoming one of them. My biggest concern this morning was whether or not my makeup looked ok. This afternoon when I went to visit my sister we wound up watching a show called “how do I look?” and I was wondering how people view me on the outside. I used to not care, I used to not give a flying fuck to tell you the truth, and now, now I feel like I have become more about the make up and appearance than what I am doing for the world.

I think that this struck me so much because I have been reading a lot of Emerson lately. And that whole discussion reminded me of a passage from his second series of essays:

“Those who are esteemed umpires of taste are often persons who have acquired some knowledge of admired pictures or sculptures, and have an inclination for whatever is elegant; but if you inquire whether they are beautiful souls, and whether their own acts are like fair pictures, you learn that they are selfish and sensual… But the highest minds of the world have never ceased to explore the double meaning or triple meaning or shall I say the quadruple or the centuple or much more manifold meaning of every sensuous fact…”

He continues to ramble on I think that’s why I like reading Emerson so much because you can almost see the wheels in his head turning as he flows from subject to subject connecting them together by the finest, nearly unnoticeable thread. So if those who are the judges of beauty do not have beauty within themselves what makes them fit to judge it? What is it about this society that says that the thin pretty woman who rallies for children in Cambodia but would not look twice at a homeless child here is any better than the unremarkable one on the corner trying to change her part of the world but ignoring those in the rest of it? Who decides and why? Is it better to help those in the rest of the world or those around you, but that is not the issue at hand, ignore that until I rant on about that in a different post. The issue at hand is; faced with two portraits side by side of these women one Jane Doe from the street and the other Ms. Movie Star Glamorous, which one are we more inclined, as a society to want to love?

We overlook plain people, the thing we automatically see is wow that woman is a knock out, not wow, I wonder how much character she has. Its sort of a joke to say well she has a nice personality. It implies the person is ugly, why is it not the other way around well at least she’s beautiful. I think that women should be considered both. We should look at someone and judge them inside first. It is what is inside that relationships and friendships and life is built on. I make it sound like I’m un fea myself, I’m not, but I’ll tell you what, one of my favorite quotes actually comes from a comic strip (Baldo), the little girl (Gracie?) is having a conversation with her friend and she says “I like it when people call me pretty, but I like it even better when they call me smart, because at least I had something to do with the smart” and that is the way I am the way I feel to be honest because you can call me fat you can call me ugly you can say I look like shit, and I will simply tell you to fuck off, but you call me stupid and it cuts, it cuts deep, because I would rather be known for what is inside, looks fade they change, what is en vogue now will be out in six months, but what I have inside, will be my legacy. I just want to make sure it is a good one. When people look at me and say wow you’re beautiful I want to believe them, and not just because of what they see on the outside.

Ok back to happy fluffy things… oh wait nothing is happy and fluffy right now. Oh wait, My brother just made me dinner I think the world is ending. Its just grilled cheese but coming from him that’s major. I didn’t even know he knew how to turn on the stove. He made me dinner cause I just got off the phone with him, the ex, supes, renzo, what the fuck do I call him? And I’m obviously shaken. I have been in a cruddy mood lately like snapping-peoples-heads-off, verge-of-tears, not-myself-if-I-didn’t-know-better-I’d-swear-it-was-PMS kind of cruddy mood, and that phone call didn’t help. He’s depressed, I know he’s depressed and as a friend I want to help him but in reality I cant give him what he thinks he needs, he needs to get over me, he needs to move on, he’s gotten himself into a bind financially, and I helped bail him out against my better judgment last time and I’m not gonna do it again, right now I am more concerned about getting on my feet and out of here and away from drive bys next door and I don’t think that helps all that much with all the emotional things I know he’s feeling but trying to hide until he just snaps at me and winds up making me feel like shit.

You know what I am tired of the men in my life making me feel like shit. I don’t want to stand for it any more. I am not a punching bag, I am not a doormat, my name is not mud. If you are angry about something just fucking talk to me about it don’t snip snip snip at me until it hurts, he does this my dad does every man in my life down to my brother does this. I try so hard to not hurt you people, even when I’m hurt and I want to lash out, and you keep cutting at me, and its always cutting down the little I have built up of my confidence in one part or another. I am starting to be able to say I love myself and I cant do that if y’all keep knocking me down.

Ok enough about that

Happy thoughts drea happy thoughts….

Hopefully by this time next week I will actually be Ms. New Boss and not just doing the work for less pay (speaking of doormat) I am looking forward to doing something with that office, I will be sharing it though :( but that’s ok I like Maggie our new office manager so that’s no biggie. And we seem to have the same style. So… break out the sewing machine I’m gonna be making curtains… oh yeah I’m not letting myself get excited about that because I keep fearing I’m not gonna get it for some reason. I don’t know I think I’ve been experiencing so much good lately I keep thinking something bad has to happen. I don’t feel like I deserve the fortune that has fallen upon me lately, but, on the other hand, I’ve worked hard for it and I’m going to take it.

Grrrr! the Invest in Youth (IIY) fundraising campaign is about to start up again… I like IIY… I’m actually in charge of allotting the scholarships now so I know how much we need the money, I just don’t like fundraising. I don’t like having to go to the boring luncheons. I don’t like stressing about raising just ten thousand more dollars, than five thousand, then one thousand, then five hundred, then one hundred. And last year I donated 260 (26 paychecks X $10/check, not bad $260 in one chunk yeah fucking right!) of my own money and I think they expect me to donate that much or more this year, the problem with that is this time last year I had two incomes, now I’m on my own… honestly $10/ check isn’t much, I would probably spend it on nail polish or shoes or other things I really don’t need but I can’t top that… they want more from me they can kiss my ass. I am in charge of raising $35,000 this year. It seems like an insurmountable figure from here. I’m sitting here thinking and what the fuck was I thinking wanting this position? The position that I am doing all the work for but have not been officially awarded yet and am most definitely not compensated for. Damn they’re lucky I love the Y

Ugh! I am sitting here worrying about work and my divorce and all the things I hadn’t intended to talk about so I think I’m gonna go watch CSI (mmm Warrick Nick and Grisom) or take a bath to relax or something. I need to relax I am so wound up I cant even allow myself to release pent up energy doing anything.

P.S. As a side note: For those of you who will be in town the zoo is having a zoo crazy day on Saturday its for kids 5-12 free admission for the kids with an adult purchase and they get to learn all sorts of things about health and hygiene and animal cruelty and other things that we thrust upon the young. There will be free games and fun and (shudder) clowns and such and they can register for free things. I will be at there with the JDRF booth from 11-1:00 and walking around helping out after that y’all should show up.