Chasing The Butterflies AKA Craptacular

"its not always rainbows and butterflies its compromise that moves us along." Maroon Five (my favorite quote of the week)

"When lip service to some mysterious deity permits bestiality on Wednesday and absolution on Sunday, cash me out." Frank Sinatra

"the beast in me is caged by frail and fragile bars." Johnny Cash

I'm trying to be in a bad mood cause I have had a bad day but I was just listening to Feel Good INC. by the Gorillaz in my car and I must say... That went out the window... So now I'm not in a bad mood just stressed as usual.

so my day has been for lack of a better word craptacular... Actually yesterday was rather craptacular today has just been shit. Yesterday was just a looonnnggg day I worked and then had a lunch (yay) that I had to work through (boo) and I didn't finish what I had to do before I went back to work. (of course) then I worked some more... Got off had to rush across town to a fucking board meeting (I hate those damn things its pointless for me to be there at all I have no vote I have no say and I spend most of the time trying to keep myself from falling asleep to the lovely lullaby of all the head honchos blathering.) and then I went home and slept. (wondrous, que no?)

today has been actually horrible. I had to work at 6:30 and I just got off like 12 mins ago and I have to go back at five and then I have another freaking meeting... I was filling out my time card for the week and I realized I'm gonna have like 55 hours and that's if I only have to work what I have assigned which lately is like an impossibility. I know I can do this but after the day I had today I'm wondering why I would want to. First thing when I get there Rikki is bitching about something or another, having to do with someone else's site, but I'm chismosa so I like to hear it, but you can only hear so much gossip before you start wondering what they say about you when your not there. So any way that was fine and then she had to go to class and Justine came in and everything was normal... And then the shit hit the fan. I had a boy and a girl get in a fist fight over a piece of clay about the size of my thumb, I had a girl puke on me (luckily I was wearing my coat cause it was cold and my coat is leather so it wiped right off... Unluckily I got puked on in my fav. coat.) I had another kid fall and knock out a tooth (jury's still out on whether or not it was a baby tooth) and I had to pull another girls tooth cause she fell off a swing and knocked it loose (that one was a baby tooth) I had my boss call and yell at me because I haven't started my fundraising for the invest in youth campaign (which she didn't tell me I had to do, and the impression I got from all those meetings I have been attending is that it the campaign doesn't officially kick off till February. I am not the only site director who has not started, in fact none of us has so I don't know why she singled me out) I had another kid come down with a fever of 102.4. I had my boss call me back and tell me she needed me to send one of my staff to another site cause they were over ratio. And then I had to stay an hour and a half later because my site is over ratio. And now I have to go back soon and I haven't gotten to talk to anyone cause my phone is dead (I got yelled at for that too for heaven sakes) and I just feel helpless because I know that I wont be able to get home tonight before 9:00 and then I have to write up incident reports for the fight the puking the tooth losses and the staff changes. God I love the YMCA :D (smile like I mean it? Ok.)

The YMCA Invest In Youth campaign is a way to help people who couldn't normally afford it attend the YMCA, it is part of what makes the YMCA such a great thing. It is actually a good thing, its just giving me a lot of stress because I work at one of the poorer sites so I know that fundraising is not gonna help me meet my goal... Well it'll help but I know it wont do it by itself... I need some generous people to cut some checks to the YMCA so I don't have to worry about it (ha like that's gonna happen!) I think I will give some money out of my own pocket and try to convince my staff to do the same... Or... I don't know. This program is one of the few things that I have seen help people enough that I am willing to go the distance for it, I am willing to give out of my pocket but I don't have enough, I need great ideas for raising money. And right now I got crap.

In non work related stuff (now that I have bored everyone to tears lemme do it again) I got this cheesy text message that said describe me in one word only one and then send this to ten people yada yada...

so my words that i got back made me smile a little

dramatic-Katwoman
beautiful-Supes
brilliant-the Butthead
fun-Lucy
intimidating- j
lemur (or fluffy)- Mr. Frodo
drea-Peenie
monkey-Sassy
queen of the damned- the man I'm supposed to marry when i turn 52 (he apparently doesn't know the meaning of one)

I'm looking at this list and I realize I have waaayy too many fucking nicknames, a different one from each of these people and then some :( I think I need to simplify.
Katwoman-drea
Supes-Xuppy
the Butthead-Shithead
Lucy-Dre Dre
j- well i don't have one from him soo...Andrea
Mr. Frodo- Miss Andrea
Peenie-Boo Boo
Sassy-monkey
the man I'm supposed to marry when we turn 52- queen of all that is evil
and then there's Nikki, Anja, Dr. Dre, JJ Rae, Andy, Reah, Rugrat, Frootluips, Biscotti, Fea, Andra-Ella, mija, Annie... I'm sure if I think about it I can go on... I need to come up with just one really fabu one and convince everyone to just call me that (yeah right).

Hmmmmm...

"Times change, societies evolve, roles reverse, but the pursuit of love is constant. Equally constant are the personality attributes we find attractive, the pain of loves lost, the sweet heartaches of loves won, and the excitement that attends the entirety of the process.
Of course all is not well in the realm of love. Nothing goes as planned, nothing is as it first seems, the ebb and flow of relationships is as curious today as it was when time began. What we all eventually find is of course, the stuff of maturity: staid is not always sure and excitement eventually wears thin.
And then there is also American society where the quest for love is turned into sex and someone winds up hurt. It has been said, though I'm not sure by whom, "in America, guys give love to get sex, while girls give sex to get love." this statement is not so horrible, but the stark reality that it is true, is; this is the ugly side of love. There is a beautiful side of love. One that everyone who believes in love has seen. The unity of two peoples souls in a pure kiss, the feelings of safety, warmth, and something magical in a lovers touch. The ability to make some one laugh cry and feel like the worlds only person in one embrace. There are many other parts of love, but much too many to write, and if overly analyzed they will lose their magic." - My Sketchbook circa Sept 2000

So this is one of my many rantings about love written about five years ago, right after I ended things with Chris the piss. I haven't written that passionately about something in a long time, I am a person full of passion and I am wondering where it has all gone. Where is that fiery, devil-may-care-cause-I-sure-as-hell-don't person that I used to be? And how long has she been missing?

"We are a nation of teenagers living together alone. We somehow have been unanimously labeled as a "problem generation." We are hell raisers, filled with rebellion, or are we? I am not driven by hatred, I am not driven by fear, I am not driven by desire, duty or any rationale. I can no longer feel any of these, all that remains is retribution; cold hard and final... It is easier to stab someone in the back than it is to look them in the eyes, society is built upon this principle, and it is universal amongst those who rule"... It goes on and on. Passionate, yet analytical and cold. It is amusing to see the way we change as the years pass. I am most definitely not the same person as my fifteen year old self.

In other news: I was looking through my computer, checking for pics I might want to post... And I found this folder full of pics of this gorgeous man... I have never seen him before in my life... And I don't know how they got there. hmmm.... Must have been Lindsey, but if that's the case I'm surprised he has clothes on, every time I saw some pic some net guy sent her he was naked. This guy had clothes on but damn... Ok that's enough of that... Sorry people I guess I'm just not getting enough to keep my happy little 20-year-old head off of the guys.

Pablo Neruda is Hot!

"...Te amo sin saber cómo, ni cuándo, ni de dónde,/ te amo directamente sin problemas ni orgullo:/ así te amo porque no sé amar de otra manera..."
Translation:"...I love you without knowing how, nor when, nor from where,/ I love you without problems nor pride:/ I love you like this because I do not know how to love you another way..." -Pablo Neruda (from my favorite poem by him "Soneto XVII") Pablo Neruda is not actually hot... i just love his poetry

so i am checking to see if this works... this is my favorite picture of our trip to santa rosa... well actually i like the cute one of ernest and mandy where you can see both of thier faces more, but i dont want to post pics of them on the web without thier permission. so this one cause you cant see her face and theres water.... lots of water in the middle of new mexico yay!

so my weekend is gonna be fun yay! im going to Fall Crawl which is a bar hopping concert going fun experience that happens every october and i completely forgot about... i think i will also go to the circus chimera... which is the mexican circus not your typical circus its more like a ballet under a big tent on highwires, with peanuts and those happy little balloons on sticks. so yeah i just need something to do tonight... i went to the sneak peek of Legend Of Zorro last night it was excellent... i will now describe the entire movie and ruin it for everyone two weeks before it comes out... so it goes like this theres this guy his name is zorro he has a horse and a beautiful wife named Elena theres some fighting and stuff happens and then it ends. yeah like i would actually ruin it for people. i love movies and i hate it when people tell you the whole damn thing before you go... (yet i am anxiously awaiting harry potter on november 18) i think that is more because it is a birthday tradition for me than anticipation of the movie... but it is my favorite book (so far) of the series.

only (now she is actually looking at her calendar counting to see how many days -Supes) 39 days tmbd.... (presents people presents... jk) i go back to full schedules next week (ugh!) so i will be working long ass days again and will be irratable and rich. (well, YMCA rich which translates into shit elsewhere) so if im extra bitchy thats why people, apologizing in advance.

sometimes its good to be intimidating

so i just got up and went to the restroom and i came back to my table and some bitch was walking away with my shit. i would have expected this if i was in the south valley, but im in taylor ranch the rich part of town and its a fucking library for heaven's sake.

i just had to post this i couldnt believe it she was wearing my wonderful leather coat, had my computer in the bag on her back and was carrying my book of poetry in her arms. (now these happen to be three of my four favorite posessions but i would have killed her for the book.) i didnt even say a word. i just looked at her and she said sorry dropped the shit shed my coat and bolted. i guess i really am intimidating, especially when im pissed. i guess mr. frodo and supes and all the others werent lying. but ugh the nerve of that bitch... i should have decked her, i still wanna chase after her, but i got my shit back thats all that matters. thank god my wallet was in my pocket.

Im sitting here in my haven.

"they painted up your secrets/ with the lies they told to you/ and the least they ever gave you/ was the most you ever knew/... and she wonders where these dreams go/ cause the world got in her way/ whats the point in ever trying/ nothing's changing anyway." -Goo Goo Dolls

ahhh Acoustic #3, my fav Goo Goo Dolls song, and quite possibly my favorite song of all time. (well at least for today they can fight with my Tony) but its such a jaded song. So bijou called me yesterday, and we talked.We talked about fluff, her radiator not working, me wanting to leave my job (and possibly the country) She said she needs Methadone to get off of Domenick and i must say i am inclined to agree. but it made me happy just to get to talk to her. now today i am going back to my routine of not talking to her because i dont know what she wants... im not sure she knows what she wants but thats enough of that.

my haven is the library. i love it here. i want one in my house, walls and walls and stacks and stacks of books. but i need a house first.

i am being a good girl. i keep looking at my spedometer like im supposed to, i plan on paying all my bills before i go shopping this time, and double checking to make sure i got them all... pesky little buggers. i've been responsible and made the schedule and part of the curriculum for next week before monday morning. i am trying to be a good person, now someone please tell me why i feel so craptacular.

i just finished talking to domenick on the instant messenger, he pissed me off a little... ok a lot... and i must say blowing up the whole damn state... i would never im just hurt and angry and it will pass. but speaking about the state of new jersey what is it about the men over there that attracts the women over here? bijou fell for domenick, i fell for domenick, my lissa fell for justin and lindsey fell for some other guy in jersey. now all of us are smart women and realize that it is on the other fucking side of the country, (and its not like europe where they tend to be little countries) but it happened. hm....

im going to vegas for my b-day (yay!) at least for thanksgiving. im actually going(pinch me) and im gonna stop talking about it if i can cause im afraid of jinxing it. (but im gonna have a weeklong bash for my 21st!) i wish ernest and mandy could go but that doesnt look like a possiblity and everyone else that i want to go that isnt going is under 21... maybe i should stay here for my b-day and go the next day (yeah cause im gonna feel like traveling) but if i do stay i could do kareoke and make everyone go deaf. (how fun!)

so i ran into adrienne the other day, it made me happy to see her we talked for a little bit, but she had to go to work. she seemed a little jealous of me, i think she thought supes new car was mine and i must say i was looking pretty good compared to her and the evil part of me laughed. Adrienne for those of you who dont know, was my best friend from sixth grade through the summer of my junior year. i had a very complicated non relationship (i was in the relationship, he wasn't) with her cousin (chris the piss) which she made even more of a non relationship by pushing the two of us apart. which i thank her for now but then i hated her for immensly. we stopped being friends when i started dating 'Zo cause she said i was ignoring her (she ignored me every time she had a boyfriend so i still don't feel too bad about it). i thank her for helping to end the non relationship because chris really was a piss though i couldnt see it at the time. he wanted my body with no emotional attachment, and he is the one that got me into most of the drugs i was on at the time (i was already a pothead, but in the valley at that age its like standard, i found it amazing that my friends from the other side of the tracks had never even tried it) and almost got me in trouble alot for sneaking him in through my window at night. (i then had to sneak him into my brothers room before my parents woke up... my bro didnt like that much cause that was his best friend and his little sister, oh my!) so in retrospect the whole situation was bad and im glad its over cause i dont think that i would be alive today, or if i was i would be a lot worse off, probably still addicted and a drop out. but im ok.

i am looking for a copy of Elizabeth Wurtzel's Bitch, all the ones in the whole rio grande valley library system are checked out so if any one out there has a copy or knows where i can get a copy please send it this way.

nice and confused

turns out the comment was from who i wanted it to be from.

decidedly too many

"summer has come to pass, the innocent can never last wake me up when september ends" -greenday
well its october and im awake damnit though i dont want to be

today is a list-y kind of day

so i have said goodbye to decidedly too many people these past few weeks. i have a comment on yesterdays blog that says "i do miss her but what am i supposed to do" and i dont know who it is from. in the old days cowboys used to cull the herd, get rid of the sick and the weak... well i am culling my herd but im getting rid of all the good ones

people i have gotten rid of somehow/ ignored to the point that they are ready to rid themselves of me this month in cronological order (so which one do i want the random comment to be from? I'll never tell.)

1. Supes
2. Bijou
3. The Hitman
4. Queen Bitch
5. Butthead
6. Katwoman
7. Greenbean (though this one should be #1 cause i havent spoken to her since january.)
8. the man i'm supposed to marry when we turn 52

so i had an odd dream last night (i had a lot of dreams cause i slept twice as long as normal but were not going there). it was about Bijou. first we were at a wedding and i was in this wonderful dress that somehow turned into a gown and then i realized it was hers so i took it off to give it back and then we went to my house (i had a house!) and she noticed that she had some of her stuff there and so i started giving it all back to her and then she started screaming at me and i was screaming at her and then we just collapsed in each others arms on the beautiful floors (black laquered with tiger lilies painted on them like i want to make in my house) and started crying. i woke up with my tatoo burning like mad, and missing her like crazy. i think both are psychosomatic

things i dream of alot

1. sex
2. falling
3. sex
4. playing soccer with my uncle joe (dont ask its very sad)
5. weddings
4. funerals
5. church
6. mountains
7. limbo

so i think i'm crazy

number of stop signs/lights run today...3
number of yellow lights run... at least seven
times i looked at my spedometer today...2
times i was seriously speeding when i looked...2
thoughts about THM... a million +2
thoughts about work...3
regrets...0 -i think
times i cried today... I'll never tell
emails written... 0
emails recieved... 0
phone calls made...0 tried one but outgoing calls are restricted cause i forgot to pay the bill
phone calls rec'd... 12
phone calls answered...0
hours slept...10
nails broken...1
books im reading... 4 (1984, The Picture of Dorian Grey, The Three Musketeers, La Anologia Completa de la poesia de Pablo Neruda.)
books i havent read before...2 (dorian grey and pablo neruda)
happy thoughts...0
happy memories... thousands
place i want to live today... my grandma's house (sans grandma's bitching)
place i want to live tomorrow... vegas
who i want to hold me right now... my lissa
what i want to do... cry, or run
what i'm gonna do... blog

feels like monday

"love begins with a smile, flourishes with a kiss, and ends with a tear."

im not sure who said that, im not even sure if thats the quote but that is the gist of it, and its true. love stinks. and thats a fact.

so my world is a shambles and somehow im ok with that im fine, real fine.
i have this info thingie that i was gonna post the otherday when my computer ate it so i guess ill do it now.

1. What is your occupation? YMCA slave
2. Do you like banana sandwiches? with peanut butter theyre ok
3. What are you listening to right now? jazz mix billie holiday, louis armstrong...etc
5. Do you wish on stars? all the time the world is full of my wishes
6. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? clear... never seen a clear one
7. How is the weather right now? Cloudy, and freezing
8. Last person you spoke to on the phone? my sister
9. Do you like the person who sent this to you? is anyone gonna say no to that question? but yeah i do shes a cool person.
10. How old are you today? 20 years 323 days 42 days tmbd ('till my b-day) yay! hello vegas!
11. Favorite drink? Odwalla limeade (drinking it right now) or a mojito or a hello kitty or shots of petron anejo for alchohol (not that i have drunk them cause im under 21 mind you.
12. Favorite sport to watch? Underwater basket weaving those guys got mad skills ;)
13. Have you ever dyed your hair? yes but i have recently discovered that it is a very pretty color on its own even if it is brown
14. Do you wear contacts or glasses? yes im blind as a bat
15. Pets? :( i miss my Yoda i have one the dredd pirate roberts whom i think i forgot to feed this morning
16. Favorite month? October, anticipation of my b-day is always better than the actual birthday and i love the smell of fall.
17. Favorite food? Just one? yeah right my Nana's chiliquile, my Mom's Green Chile Chicken Enchiladas, or my chocolate chip cookies (havent found any better)
18. Last movie you saw? Serenity(v. good) and Inu Yasha honorable something something sword thingie (mmm sesshomeru)
19. Favorite day of the year? purple
20. What do you do to vent anger? draw, read, paint, take a walk, or write
21. What was your favorite toy as a child? boxes, boxes can be anything
22. Fall or Spring? fall
23. Hugs or kisses? mmmm embraces.
24. Cherry or Blueberry? Pear
25. Do you want your friends to email you back? Yes, always
26. Who is most likely to respond?dont think this applies here
27. Who is least likely to respond? everyone
28. Living arrangements? complicated
29. When was the last time you cried? two hours ago
30. What is on the floor of your closet? dont have a closet if i did everything thats supposed to be on the hangers
32. What did you do last night? wrote an email
33. What are you afraid of? cheese cheese is scary.
35. Plain, cheese or spicy hamburgers? green chili cheeseburgers mmmm.
36. Favorite car? :( i want my stingray
37. Favorite dog breed? St. Bernard or Bull Mastiff
38. Number of keys on your key ring? keys where are my keys!?!
39. How many years at your current job? too long
40. Favorite day of the week? tomorrow
41. How many states have you lived in? many but one i remember
42. How many cities have you lived in? a few but i dont remember any place but hell i mean here.

Spoiled American

interesting fact... everytime i play Marylin Manson in my car i think my phone is ringing... i only have one ringer that is Manson (sweet dreams) and its assigned to lindsey so needless to say it hasnt played in forever... but everytime i freak out and search for my phone.

So i was crusin around in a '06 saturn ion with my new hairdo talking on the car phone (does it count as a car phone when the whole car is a phone?) when i realized i really am spoiled despite all the comments i make that i have no money... i also realized this when i started thinking well if i sync my palm with my computer and then bluetooth my phone to my palm can i have the internet? my only consolation that the poor valley girl that i was growing up is that i did not buy myself any of these things except the computer which techinically the school bought... and sadly the car is not mine... and i am afraid to drive it cause i have a tendency to wreck Supe's new vehicles... ok only one, but one is enough wouldnt you agree? so i am a spoiled american and yet i am not... i hope that those who have more than me will see themselves as spoiled as well and we should all burn in hell if we dont appreciate it (im sure i will burn for other reasons but i may as well add this to the list.)

i had a loooonnnngggg post the other day but the internet decided to eat it (the computer ate my home work ms. andrea) and it is long gone. sadly. well i may post all the stuff again... maybe not supes makes me sad he has worked three days this week and will make more than i make in two weeks well that and his family is psychotic... more so than mine...for sure. so i am thinking that in november (43 days tmbd... yay!) i will take bartending classes so i can moonlight and actually make money. and this is also helpful since i dont know where i will be living next year here... in the dorms... in el paso.. in vegas... in london... paris... haha so those are mostly out of the question though if i do go back to UNM i will stay in the dorms so i am less distracted and i actually get an education out of my educational experience... maybe it depends on how my life goes and right now i am sooo confused cause everything is kinda in the air... but im sure it will crash down soon.

so now the last post i will make on the woman... i think she is over me.... that sounds wrong but i cant think of anyother way to put it. and i will stop caring go back to my old routine come over here whenever i want and let her live her life away from mine. she wanted me to evaporate i did for a while i dont want to lose myself completely. i will always love her. i know i fucked up royally but thats life we all need to fall flat on our faces sometimes. "we fall so that we can learn to pick ourselves up." -Mr. Wayne Batman Begins

and with that i end my post for you people who never comment on this damn thing 'cept to remind me that i have not posted in a while when you talk to me. ... (umm duh)

chicago creamer

"dont eat yellow snow" - Eskimo Mothers

i just saw her and i must say she looks like crap. i thought i could chance going to the blue dragon but she was there and i left cause i didnt feel like looking at someone who looks like i just kicked her in her non-existent nuts. i miss her but i dont think she misses me so i will leave her alone.

so i am sitting here in dunkin donuts. thinking about what to say and of course the second i get internet acsess, i forget what im gonna say... its cause i am always talking to too many people. i'll come back and finish this later its been an hour and all i've done is like 6 lines... and not the fun kind