meth addict cleaning

so i cleaned my whole house with a toothbrush. not because i'm on meth, im no longer a big fan of drugs, havent been for years, never really been a particularly big fan of meth so far as being a fan of drugs can go. just because scrubbing things down like that is good for the soul, turns out i have a lot of work to do so im gonna cut this short, and hope i can get back to it later.

bogo

So I was killing time yet again (this can't last long) and I went to walgreens cause I needed a mascara, ok so need may be a bit of a strong word. But they didn't have the one I wanted so I continued crusing the makeup aisle until I found the lipstick I had been looking for for almost two years now. And it was bogo so I decided to get a mascara too and it came with an eyeliner and I must say it is anything but subtle. I feel kinda tarty, it made me feel better, plus the smell of this lipstick reminds me of a kiss I put on a painting nearly two years ago. And of some naughty looking pictures (I had clothes on I swear!) in other words good memories.

Its funny how a good memory can remind you its time to move forward in life. So let me sigh one more sigh, shed one more tear, and pull my butt off that ground using my own two hands and bootstraps. I know I'm gonna fall down again eventually but that's no reason to delay getting up.

That being said happy birthday to me, well not today but on the 21st if anyone wants me I have decided I will be at whatever jazz club I can find (probably all the way in santa fe) sipping on wine I can't afford looking mysterious and aloof with that little black dress my mom bought me like a month ago, these hot ducking lips, and searing eyes.

I will have a hangover for thanksgiving, but that's ok seeing as I hate that holiday anyway. So its time for me to feel like super woman again, any ideas what I can do to help save my little corner of the world?

Oh well more later right now I'm too cold to sit here but looking too tarty to go inside a camera store at night on east central.

Maybe I should go to the bookstore down the road

oh great, another complex.

I am Not a twenty-two year-old.

ok so at least im not the average twenty-two year-old, i just talk like one.

i've decided im turning 46 this year, that is 23 years with two birthdays per year for a total of 46 years.

i've been watching tv and lately everytime they show a young woman she is pegged as 22. And she is young and pretty and obsessed with sex and has bad posture and cant cook and is generally ditzy, even last night on NCIS there was a 22year old, only this one was a little more realistic, but she was still inarticulate over emotional and couldnt make a decent cup of coffee.

maybe my obsession with this is that i've seen myself as mature for so long that when i see these people portrayed this way its almost like i myself am backsliding into the stereotype.

should this worry me? no. will it? possibly.

so maggie asked me a question the other day, she said "fifteen years from now if you found out i died would you go to my funeral?" and i said i dont know. this started a little game in my head, if this person died would i go to thier funeral.

magster: i honestly dont know, how would i know i dont think im going to know her in fifteen years, this point last year i would have said yes, but we've moved from personal friends to business friends, and thats not conducive to a funeral in fifteen years kinda relationship.

rikki: without a doubt

family: of course

dana: same boat as maggie

him: yeah probably

THM: i dont think his family would appreciate it much

Binky poo: yeah, you know probably. i dont think we'll be talking in fifteen years. but im finally how shall we say, comfortable with the way things were left, not in animosity but in a general life sends you down different paths sort of way.

katwoman: yes

green bean: you know, its sad, but probably not.

the boys: no

hmmm i think im going to get out of a lot of funerals.

chris T: yes

any other chris: no

AP: you know probably because i have a soft spot for that woman

YB: no

pl: just to make sure he's dead

and i cant think of anyone else right now that i can say that yes in fifteen years if i heard you died i would most definitely go to your funeral.

i think the life style we lead has become too fleeting.

Tori Amos' madness is contageous.

Or at least that's what Dana says, I'm inclined to agree. So here I sit waiting for my name to be called so I can be stuck with a needle and bleed out a two pints of blood, to be spun separated so the red blood cells are collected plasma and platelets mixed with room temperature saline and pumped back in to my arm. And the sicko in me is looking forward to this. Ok I don't know if its the sicko or the girl who still wants to save the world. Either way I've been called a sicko twice today. Well twice on that and then again when I said if I were to die in an hour I would rob a bank while fucking. Oh well I am who I am and I can't change it. Everytime I tri I wind up low and wondering who I am. Its much better to just go with the flow.

long time no see

insert good quote here

lets see whats changed since may? where was i in may? nothing and everything has changed, my mom has moved as of yesterday, i have my house, my beautiful puppy, and im happy just for the sake of being happy this week. why? who knows

i didnt go to the fair this year, which is not really that big of a loss, i've started an excercise program for the like millionth time, but this time i feel like i will stick to it. except today because i actually left the house on time and the most practical shoes i have in my trunk are like 3" heels, and thats just not condusive to walking. so i will take a break today, go back to it tomorrow, and figure something out for the weekend, i should actually take flowers (my puppy) to the park, like i've been promising her since forever.

where was i i got distracted by breakfast, convo with the magster and some work... its soo easy for me to lose my train of thought, probably not a good thing.

ok i think im done with this blog. hello world im back, and im almost myself.

my life is a country song.

I fell and twisted my ankle, my account's overdrawn, and I got in a wreck,
My dog is sick, my car charger won't work, and I think I'm getting a chest cold. Yee haw!

So I'm happy the woman let me go cause part of the reason I was freaking out so much is because my insurance lapsed because when they last went to withdraw it my account was overdrawn and I'm driving illegally. But the lady I hit (yes ladies and gentlemen this smart smart person rear ended said good samaritan, while not even on the phone, applying make up or speeding. I was stopped at a red light on montano and Coors, not even one block from work. Well, apparently not stopped.) any way she came out I asked if she was ok and apologized, she looked at her car, looked at mine, said do you have insurance, I said I'm not sure, she asked for my name and number have me hers, and we took off. (maybe cause I was crying and shaking like a leaf?) everything else is pretty self explanitory.

" I like your Christ...

"...But I do not like your Christians, they are so unlike your Christ." -random bumper sticker wisdom

Sadly wisdom that I have had the misfortune of funding to be true. Myself included.

my poor doped up Lover.

Lover got in a fight last week and he had to be taken to the er. He's got one ear stitched up, a drainage tube in his neck, a few other stitches and a great big bandage over one eye. He's been doped up on painkillers the last two days looking at me with his sad brown eyes. It makes me just want to throw my arms around his neck and hold him. I probably would if it wasn't for the tube.

i have a bite and its really quite itchy.

I'm not sure from where or whence it came but it is quite sad.

So I've decided that I have boiled my life down to trivialities. Not intentionally, but rather to avoid the glaring realities, but you know what at this point in my life with my frame of mind being what it is, that's ok.

At this point in my life I need to worry about my fingernails being perfectly polished, and my phone being charged and whether or not my watch is too masculine (again, the hearts do not allow that) because I have spent too much of my life worrying about bills and propriety and the wellfare of others and all the other weighty issues that plague adults. And I have decided that my lessened responsibility these past few weeks are what I need. I am putting forth my resignation to adulthood. At least for now. I am content, an I haven't been able to say that in a long while, there are things that still need mending but they will have to do it on their own. Or wait till I am ready to be bothered because for now I am having too much fun just sitting back and enjoying life as it is, thanking god that I am still on this earth to take these breaths sigh these sighs and think these thoughts, I am really not appreciative enough to him, I have been mad at him and felt slighted lately,I have felt cheated that someone I could love more than any other could not be mine when I wanted most. And I have felt more than my share of anger, because I felt that any god that would offer the gift of bringing life into this world to someone only to snatch it away is no man at all, then of course I remembered, he is no man at all. He has a plan for me and I'm not sure what it is but I am almost willing to accept it. Not completely mind you, I still feel slighted I still feel angry, but I have found something I have not had in a long time... Faith. Faith that everything will work out as it should. Only now, In releasing my death gripp on this world have I been able to find that every day is a gift. And I am lucky just to live and have the ability to laugh tbough it all and be surrounded by love.

Ok I can go back to being trivial now. Its much more comfortable than thinking and feeling.

Hugh Grant is dreamy

I need Nora Jones' CD, her soothing sultry voice is good for the soul.

I'm thoroughly enjoying my day off, oops there goes my phone ringing again