Hungover and Married.

"I was thinking that I might fly today,/ Just to disprove all the things that you say./ It doesn't take a talent to be mean./ Your words can crush things that are unseen./ So please be careful with me, I'm sensitive/ And I'd like to stay that way./ You always tell me that it's impossible/ To be respected, and be a girl./ Why's it gotta be so complicated?" Jewel

Ok so they lost half the bet... I didnt come back hungover... i didnt even get hungover, i only got sick one day and it was food poisoning. (not the wine with dinner or the baileys and mojito and lemonade and mudslide(s) that i had the night before)

on a side note any one who knows supes would be amazed (and probably wont believe me) when i say that he drank too... he even almost kept up with me (not bad for a rookie) and smoked a cigar (which he put out after the first puff... point is this is the BOY SCOUT and he DRANK and lit a cigar.)

we had a nice trip up and i had a blast all week, besides my sister being rather bitchy... but she thought my mother was going to kill her, and shes having some romanitic issues... so shes allowed i forgive ya my lissa. :-*

stupid cops.

so, ok cops are not stupid...

my wish for today is that all APD would get the same type of cop car... they cant make it easy on us speedeers, they cant all drive crown vic's or all drive lincolns.. nooo we have to have the ones in cameros, the ones in impalas, the ones in corvettes, so you cant really tell when your doing 90 on the freeway if its just a white car or if its a cop. well now two more problems have happened in that field... cops are now driving chargers (i want a charger). i saw one today and it was like orgasmic, chargers are hot, cop cars are hot cause you knwo they supe them up... but it was a thing of beauty (sigh, one can dream)... the bad part is i was speeding past a blue impala and it too turned out to be a cop, i couldn't even tell 'till it turned on its lights. sneaky lil' buggers.

UGH!

had an exceptionally long and funny post that the computer ate when i tried to spell check :(

now im just in a bad mood and dont wanna re-post it

i'm scared i looked at my checking account and im in the negative $536 (ouch) i get paid tomorrow but i leave on sunday... the room is paid for and non-refundable and i think im gonna cry.

everything will be ok because it has to be. I'll just be a mooch as much as i hate to, because i need a vacation damnit

just looked at the checking account again, it was wrong... i'll be ok just having a heart attack a little. and i can just let supes and my sister take care of me.

ok happy thoughts... this is kinda hard
everything is ok in the end... if its not ok its not the end.
Harry Potter tomorrow (not as hard as i thought)
class over on saturday (thank god!)
Leaving on sunday
happy b-day monday ( I'm gonna need a new Drivers Licence)
renzo's b- day on tuesd.... shit i forgot to get him a gift.
turkey on thursday?... ok fuck the happy thoughts list im just gonna be mad for a while. i would rather have steak than turkey, i dont like sweet potatoes, melissa is not as good of a cook as my grandma (at least i dont have to deal with left overs this year)

this too shall pass.

feeling kinda quoty today

"I tried to help you once/ Against my own advice/ I saw you going down/ But you never realized/ That you're drowning in the water/ So I offered you my hand/ Compassions in my nature/ Tonight is our last stand/... I can't help you fix yourself/ But at least I can say I tried/ I'm sorry but I gotta move on with my own life / I tear my heart open, I sew myself shut/ My weakness is that I care too much/ My scars remind me that the past is real/ I tear my heart open just to feel." -Papa Roach (Scars)

" So their eyes are growing hazy 'cos they wanna turn it on,/ so their minds are soft and lazy./ Well, hey, give 'em what they want./ If lust and hate is the candy,/ if blood and love tastes so sweet,/ then we give 'em what they want." -10,000 Maniacs (Candy Everybody Wants)

" Adia I'm empty since you left me/trying to find a way to carry on/I search myself and /everyone to see where we went wrong/ 'cause there's no one left to finger/there's no one here to blame/there's no one left to talk to honey/and there ain't no one to buy our innocence/ 'cause we are born innocent/believe me Adia, we are still innocent/ it's easy, we all falter/does it matter?" -Sarah McLachlan (Adia)

" I was Cryin' when I met you/Now I'm tryin' to forget you/Your love is sweet misery/I was Cryin' just to get you/Now I'm tryin' 'cause I let you/Do what you do down on me/Now there's not even breathing room/Between pleasure and pain/Yeah you cry when we're makin' love/Must be one and the same/" Aerosmith (Cryin')

" I think of you every morning/ Dream of you every night/ Darling, I'm never lonely/ Whenever you are in sight/ I love you for sentimental reasons/ I hope you do believe me/ I've given you my heart" Nat King Cole (Sentimental Reasons)

" I'm gonna love you,/ Like nobody's loved you/ Come rain or come shine/ High as a mountain, deep as a river/ Come rain or come shine/ I guess when you met me/ It was just one of those things/ But don't you ever bet me/ 'Cause I'm gonna be true if you let me/ You're gonna love me,/ Like nobody's loved me/Come rain or come shine/ We'll be happy together, unhappy together/Now won't that be just fine/ The days may be cloudy or sunny/ We're in or out of the money/ But I'm with you always/ I'm with you rain or shine" - Billie Holiday, Frank Sinatra, (and a host of others)

Exceptionally Happy Mood Today...

...Haven't the faintest clue why... But I would like to keep it that way.

"You may say I'm a dreamer,/but I'm not the only one,/I hope some day you'll join us,/And the world will live as one." -John Lennon

So someone told me to shut up and get on with my life after that post yesterday. I wasn't posting what I posted because I was feeling that way, I posted it because whenever I feel particularly depressed, I look back at that time in my life and it gives me hope. Yes maybe I was fucked up, and lord knows I'm still crazy, but I'm not that same person. I look back on that time not to dwell on the past but to remind myself that I have gotten through that. "If the Lord leads you to it, He'll lead you through it." and he has. I can honestly say I think I am a much better person now than I was six years ago. I am in much better space, if I wasn't I wouldn't have been able to write what I did to put it on display for everyone to read.

The other reason I put my past on display is because I realize that there are very few people who know me, who really know me. As an example: The person who commented mistook everything I was saying, which is fine I can see where he saw what he did, but it was still a mistake. There is one thing that he was right about though, when I need help, when I'm feeling low I don't ask for help, but I don't beat around the bush either... I am the sort of person who just soldiers through it alone because I have to prove to myself I can. We cannot deny our pasts, just as we cannot deny our heritage, our friends, our family, or our culture... It is these things that make us who we are, I would not be the drea everyone knows if I was perfect... I have had to fuck up and fix myself a lot of times to get to where I am today... It may not be ideal, I may not have the life I want or the means I need right now, but I am on my way to it, and it is exactly because I have fucked up royally in the past and picked myself up off the ground that I know that I will get there.

Harry Potter in two days... My class is over in three...I leave in four... My birthday in five... Supes' in six... And I'll be with my sis for thanksgiving... No wonder I'm happy.

S*** I've Been Hiding From For Too Long

I have been hiding from my past for too long and I know that the people I care about, those that I am hiding this from read this, which only makes me want to turn tail and run the other way, but if i dont stand up now, if I fail to have conviction what good am I?. Well... here goes nothing.

I come from a family with an emotionally abusive father. (ha like you guys didnt know that already) but what you dont know is that living in that household made me feel worthless. i was suicidal from the time i was 13 to the time i was 16... the only reason i didnt kill myself is because i was afraid of the reprocussions it would have on my family (hell of a reason to live but it worked) i never told any one this... i told them i was depressed i even told a couple of you about my cutting addiction, but yeah i wanted to be dead, tried it once, got really sick... passed it off as the flu. i never even told my therapist. yes i did have a therapist for about nine months i would talk about fluff, shit that doesnt matter so he would think i was ok, tell my mom im ok and let me go. it worked, i have a clean mental bill of health. all this time i was a cutter. i used to cut my palms, my feet, any thing i could keep hidden, i was good at it methodical, clean i only have three scars. i did this because feeling pain was better than the numbness i felt. i did drugs for a high that never seemed to last long enough... i tried almost everything except heroin, heroin scares the shit out of me, i have seen it tear through the lives of too many people i care about. i was a cutter for years, i finaly stopped after i had been dating Lorenzo for a while, about the same time i quit the drugs the drinking the smoking and all that other shit. i quit because he asked me a simple question, he asked me "Why?" and i couldnt answer him. i couldn't answer him, not because i didnt know the answer, but because i couldnt face what was in his eyes. I hated myself... i still do sometimes, i do things that i think are stupid and that the logical part of me knows should be no big deal, but i let them get to me too much. i have always been a cry baby and i try to hide it because i see it as a weakness, but it is because i care. i was also angry at my family and at the damn therapist for not realizing there was something much deeper going on. i forgive them because i hid it, i pretended for so long that i was ok that i eventually had no choice but to be ok.

i always joke about the fact that i am crazy... i'ts not so much that i am crazy as that i know that if i dont watch myself i really will be crazy. depression is treatable, people can get off drugs if they really want to. (i have no sympathy for addicts, they are just continually chosing the life, each day is a new decision and you cant let the drugs make it for you, i dont care what society says or does the choice ultimately needs to be for yourself.) i dont feel these things any more, i cant say i wont or that i haven't for a day or two, hell i had to escape my mothers house because i felt the same cold reach of helplessness coming back. she thinks i abandoned her... i was just trying to fucking survive. but i am glad that i have friends and others who care about me enough to let me know its going to be alright. i fuck things up alot. i dont mean to, it just happens. but its not the end of the world, its not even the end of my world. i think sometimes we all need to keep that in perspective. i want to thank everyone for being my reason to live. those were dark times in my life that i hope never return and i want to thank everyone who got me out of there. thank kathleen for stealing my lighters when i was in high school, thank lorenzo for asking the question, thank my sister for being an ear, thank everyone, just for caring. and i want to thank lindsey for letting me know that its ok to share things... i was originally going to tell all of this just to shelia to help her out, but when i wrote it out i realized it helped me to tell someone so i guess that is why i am putting part of my pathetic past on display

To Ani, From A Jackass

"If anyone knows about necessary release it's me, sometimes it's easier to scribe unto the blackness than it is to confront what you don't understand. The fact is that I'm not a pussy; it's not pussy to care about what my wife says, it's not a weakness to listen. It's nice that you care how people treat me, but you have to understand that I've never been one to deal with shit. I believe that me and my wife are complete equals and in so we speak our minds to each other. She doesn't treat me badly, and frankly, who would know better than me? The Tiffany people see is not her. She spent her childhood going through hell and now she hides from everyone but me. To know that one of the few people she considered to be a friend wasn't bothered me to an obscene amount. I can't change how you feel or felt and I don't know how you feel now, but I do know she thought you were her friend, and you're not, and that's a terrible trait. A trait that's too fucking common in life. Paranoia is a horrible feeling and it's something that I feel enough of without thinking about how real my friends are, or how they feel about my wife. If you're gonna hate her, hate her because of who she is, not because of who you think she is. I don't know what to think about this whole thing. Honestly, would you?L."

I am honestly ashamed of myself because I cant stand prejudice and in this case I am guilty of it myself. I myself hide things and try to pretend that everything is peachy when my world is torn up inside. But you cant always hide, you play a part long enough and it becomes who you are. I dont know you well, at all, and I'm sorry I spoke out about you and your husband. Your relationship is none of my damned business and I will keep my nose out of it from here after. I am sorry because I did one thing that pisses me off the most, I stated my opinion without fully knowing the situation. I complain about that alot on this thing, when perfect strangers put me down, and it is something I should never have done. I dont know how hard it must be to have the same thing from someone you thought you knew.

It is not that I do not want to be your friend its just that it is hard for me to befriend someone I know so little about. I would like to get to know you better, we are going to be around eachother for a very long time because Supes and Larm are best friends. I dont like being hurt and I definitely dont like hurting people. I know you are a good person inside and I should have gone with my gut rather than my observations on this one I'm sure. I know you cant be the horrid person I pictured in my head because I can't imagine someone like your husband loving something like that, but the only part of you I ever got to see was the bossy part, the controlive part, the quite frankly bitchy part. Looking back I have to wonder did you see the same in me?

I know that words alone are not enough, but I hope you know that what I said was said on a bad day and it was something I felt about something I didnt know. I do not feel the same way now, but I dont know if that makes any difference. I have a talent for hurting good people I care about and I am sorry I did it to you. I dont know you but I would like to, I shy away from you because from the way you carry yourself I think you don't like me. I am sorry if I am mistaken, and I would like to find someway to work it out if I'm not.

Open Mouth Insert Foot

Sorry. I really am sorry. I have waaaayy tooo much word vomit. I think I am going to become a monk so that I can learn to keep my mouth shut and not get my self into trouble... or worse hurt people.. I'm sorry.

"While my heart is a shield and I won't let it down/While I am so afraid to fail so I won't even try/Well how can I say I'm alive/But if my life is for rent and I don't learn to buy/Well I deserve nothing more than I get/Cos nothing I have is truly mine"- Dido

"I know you think that I shouldn't still love you or tell you that./But if I didn't say it well I'd still have felt it,where's the sense in that/I promise I'm not trying to make your life harder/ Or return to where we were but/I will go down with this ship and I won't put my hands up and surrender /There will be no white flag above my door,/I'm in love and always will be/ And when we meet, which I'm sure we will /All that was there, will be there still /I'll let it pass, and hold my tongue /And you will think, that I've moved on...." - Dido

His F***ing Foot Grew!

So yesterday was a rather interesting day… interesting for me at least. Supes and I went shopping yesterday (because that’s what interesting people do on Saturdays) because he said he has no appropriate clothes for Vegas. After looking in his closet I was inclined to agree, he has worn everything in there to work everything including his slacks (slacks that I made him buy because he has no fashion sense and needed something nice to wear… so much for that)… this wouldn’t be so bad except… he is an electrician and everything is painted on greased up or torn. (He looks like a poor homeless child.) But my job as fashion consultant is not to judge it is to shop (Ha!)… so finding pants for him was a challenge we went looking all over the damn place, but finally we found some on a clearance table in J.C. Penney (yeah cause I wanted to be in that store) for like $5.77 (score cheap!)…that were 40-36… it saddens me that the inseam is so long that I can hold it up to my chest and they still drag on the ground… (I think I'm gonna steal a pair of his jeans and make a dress… hmmm…) so yeah finding shirts was a little easier cause hes more normal in that area (18 35-36) but we found out that Mr. Frodo is a freak of nature cause he has a 17 ½ in neck and an arm length of 39-40 which means that he is going to be even bigger than his brother when he’s finished growing. (He’s already 6’4 for heaven sakes he’s only 16)… so after fighting with the clothes thing for a while I look down at his feet and realize hes wearing the same shoes I bought for him like three years ago. (men! How can they do that? One pair in three years? Its supposed to be like one pair every three weeks. duh!) so off we go to the Sketchers store… (yay!) well we were having trouble finding anything in a 14 but he found some dress shoes so he puts them on and says “they feel funny” (what?) ok so we try on some tennis shoes… yeah my toe’s hitting the front… (what?) try on some others… yeah my toe is still hitting the front (how the hell?) so I look at his ghetto fabulous shoes and realize that he has been stretching the leather on these… so I'm thinking, shit his foot grew. We call over some dude to measure his foot… turns out that he needs a 15 “uh sorry dude we don’t have any in this store” so were off to see the wizard again and finally after more shopping we find some cute shoes in a 15 and I'm glad I was getting ready to tell him to buy some sandals and have his toes hang off the edge which I find disgusting… I am saddened at the fact that it is so difficult to shop for him… but I am more saddened by the fact that I was shopping for like 6 hours yesterday and all I got was one pair of shoes that I actually needed for work (how sad is that) oh and a new strapless bra.

I have done nothing this morning except read… I am currently reading only one book, (OMG! I know, but yes only one) Bitch by Elizabeth Wurtzel, I think that I will be done by tomorrow, I started it this morning and I'm like half way through I cant put it down… I am on sort of a feminist kick lately well not really feminist bitch kind of feminist but more like “I am woman hear me roar” kind of feminist. Any way, the reason I am only reading one book is because I am completely enthralled. This woman is hilarious but I knew that when I read Prozac Nation (another really good book) and Memoirs Of An Addiction (also really good but hit kinda close to home). If I enjoy this book to the end she will join my list of favorite authors, she is already my favorite non-fiction author. She is witty and sassy and hilarious and smart… and pretty to boot, if I were a man or a lesbian, she would be my first pick… but back to the book. She was talking about a New York Times article called “heroine chic” about women such as Gertrude Stein, Eleanor Roosevelt, Greta Garbo, Elizabeth Taylor, Coco Chanel and Martha Stuart. “The issues focus was not on bitches per se, but it is safe to argue that anytime a woman projects the kind of intense personality that all these women do, she is somebody’s idea of a bitch. That may not actually be true of Eleanor Roosevelt and Gertrude Stein, but that is only because they were not pretty enough.” This made me laugh out loud to the point that Supes and Mr. Frodo were looking at me like I was insane (which they often do just for the hell of it)… but its only funny because its true. A woman is only called a bitch if she is pretty and stands up for what she believes in, she usually has an incredibly forceful personality. It amuses me that a woman like this gets labled as bitchy while a man with the same attributes is given much more euphonic adjectives. But I am ranting… that is what reading this book has done to me it has made me want to rant and rant and write essays and change the world and go back to school and display my sexuality for personal gain and rule the world with my beautiful tits… ok so that all sounds kind of crazy right now but, well I am, and I do want to do all of these things and it would make a whole lot more sense if you read the book.

One more quote, one more small rant and then I am off to my Nana’s house. “I’m his nightlight. I'm his heater. I'm his favorite channel. I'm his umbrella. I'm his blanket. I'm his weapon. I'm his little voice. I'm his painkiller. I'm his savior. I'm his pillow. Which I guess could also make me his worst nightmare.” Or mine. For heavens sake this woman does everything. She is omnipotent the ad is selling underwear but I can’t imagine she has much time to wear it. But I have found myself being all of these things either singularly or in varied combination at one time or another, and as I'm sure I will always love men. I am sure I will continue. When we make a list of all the things we are to one person it is both empowering and intimidating. I have been all these things for Supes, and he is a very independent man, he has basically raised himself and his brother since the death of his father almost ten years ago. Once I came into the picture I was all these things for him, and I continued after we broke up, it makes me wonder how men can function without us. My therapist once told me I needed more of a father figure in my life, and I can’t help but wonder why when my mother can do all this and more, why when it is women who actually rule the world, even if it is from behind their husbands.

Grape Concorde

I wonder if they even see the irony of thier choice in cars... it amused the hell out of me to be driving next to a grape colored Concorde (Buick?) while drinking juice made from concord grapes. haha ok so its probably not that funny to the rest of you but i swear it like totally made my whole year...

now that i have reaffirmed the fact that i am a loser...

what to blog about today that has not been beaten into the ground? i am almost done with that horrid saturday class one more week... i dont know if i can take it. i am also happy for orbitz again i just read my itinerary.... (its only like the third time ok im not that obsessed) and i realized that i get a whole bunch of shit besides the room, i got $40 in dining credit, 2 oasis spa admissions, a whole bunch of 2 for 1 stuff and a free upgrade. Sweet, no. Suite! haha ok so i amuse my self way too much today... i am utterly too happy. Lorenzo is going with me and we are going to have a blast. my family, loving people that they are, are already taking bets to see if i come back hungover and married. (hello people! do i look like brittany spears to you?)

other things i am happy for today.

i filled up my tank and bought a car wash for under $25
i dont have to deal with my mother and aunt fighting about whether or not my grandmother may have a slice of pumpkin pie (as im slipping her sweet potatoes under the table)
i dont have to deal with the yearly "where are you going with your life" shpeal from my family
i dont have to deal with "you are gonna go to hell if you dont change your ways soon"
my hair looks great today despite the fact that all i did was stick a paintbrush in it this morning
i have cute shoes
im going to vegas
im going to vegas
im gonna be 21
im going to vegas
im going to see my sister... in vegas
yeah so i have a one track mind... forgive me will ya.
im going to vegas

quote for the day (quick before the timer boots me)

"Am I more than you bargained for yet/I've been dying to tell you anything you want to hear/Cause that's just who I am this week/Lie in the grass, next to the mausoleum/I'm just a notch in your bedpost/But you're just a line in a song/Drop a heart, break a name/We're always sleeping in, and sleeping for the wrong team" Fall Out Boy (my fav. band today despite the fact that the lead singer isnt exactly the cutest crayon in the box.)