random email stuff i had to share with everyone

You know your from new mexico when...

*You buy salsa by the gallon.
*You are still using the paper license tag that came with your car five years ago.
*Your favorite restaurant has a chile list instead of a wine list.
*Your Christmas decorations include "a yard of sand and 200 paper bags".
*Most restaurants you go to begin with "El" or "Los".
*You remember when Santa Fe was not like San Francisco.
*You price-shop for tortillas.
*You have an extra freezer just for green chile.
*You believe that using a turn signal is a sign of weakness.
*You think six tons of crushed rock makes a beautiful front lawn.
*You have to sign a waiver to buy hot coffee at a drive-up window.
*You know they don't skate at the Ice House and the Newsstand doesn't sell newspapers.
*You have used aluminum foil and duct tape to repair your air conditioner.
*There is a piece of a UFO displayed in your home.
*You just got your fifth DWI and got elected to the state legislature in the same week.
*You know Vegas is a town in the northeastern part of the state.
*You are afraid to drive through Mora, Belen and Espanola.
*You don't see anything wrong with drive-up window liquor sales.
*You have driven to an Indian Casino at 3am because you were hungry.
*You know whether you want "red or green."
*You can correctly pronounce Tesuque, Cerrillos, and Pojoaque.
*You can order your Big Mac with green chile.
*You know you will run into at least 3 cousins whenever you shop at Wal-Mart, Sam's or Home Depot.
*Tumbleweeds and various cacti in your yard are not weeds. They are your lawn.
*A package of white flour tortillas is the exact same thing as a loaf of bread.
*At any gathering, regardless of size, green chile stew, tortillas, and huge mounds of shredded cheese are mandatory.
*Prosperity can be readily determined by the number of horses you own.

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome including toilet-flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what happened:
Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was "something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room. "He's just lying there looking sick," he told me."I'm serious, Dad. Can you help?"I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do "Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"Oh my gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies.""What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mom!"I was equally outraged. "Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce," I accused my wife."Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together)."Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.
"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she informed me. (Again with the sarcasm, you think?)By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on.
I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it. "Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced. "We're about to witness the miracle of birth."
"OH, Gross!", they! shrieked."Well, isn't THAT just Great! What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know. (I really do think she was being snotty here, too. don't you?)We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later. "We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted."It's breech," my wife whispered, horrified."Do something, Dad!" my son urged."Okay, okay. " Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gingerly tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results."Should I call 911?" my eldest daughter wanted to know. "Maybe they could talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.
We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap."Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged."I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God'ssake.)The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass."What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically."Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?"I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside."Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked."Oh, perfectly," the vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen...Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on hisback."He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr. Cameron."We were silent, absorbing this. "So Ernie's just... just...Excited," my wife offered."Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood. More silence.Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly."What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.Tears were now running down her face.
"It's just... that... I'm picturing you pulling on its... its... teeny little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more."That's enough," I warned.We thanked the Veterinarian and hurriedly bundled the lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay."I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me."Oh, you have NO idea," my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.2 - lizards - $140...1 - Cage - $50...Trip to the Vet - $30...Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's wacker ..... Priceless


A guy is nearing the end of his senior year in high school. Unfortunately,
he still has to share a room with his younger brother who is only 9 years
old.

One night, he decides to bring his girlfriend home for a little fun. They
have bunk beds and the guy notices that his little brother is already asleep
on the lower bunk, so he and his girlfriend climb up to the top bunk. As you
might expect things start to heat up.

The guy remembers that his little brother is sleeping below so he tells his
girlfriend to whisper "lettuce" if she wants it harder and "tomato" if she
wants a new position.

Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!

She screams.

Lettuce!!!
Tomato!!!
Whoa!!!

PULL IT OUT!!!

PULL IT OUT NOW!!!

I can't get pregnant!

Then the little brother shouts:
Hey, would you guys stop making sandwiches up there! You're getting
mayonnaise all over my face!*!*!*!*

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green.He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looksat the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He saysto the frog, "Wow that's amazing.You must be a lucky frog, eh?The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."The man decides to take the frogwith him to the next hole."What do you think frog?" theman asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."The guy takes out a 3 wood and,Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life andasks the frog, "OK where to next?"The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, nowwhat?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.You've won me all this money andI am forever grateful."The frog replies, "Ribbit KissMe." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With akiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girlended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

Men really care>>The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class>was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe>properly, and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to>their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.>>>>She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is>especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make>delivery that much easier!">>>>She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in >this>together. So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner." The>room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a>man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand. "Yes?" asked the>teacher.>>>>"I was just wondering," the man said, "is it all right if she carries a >golf>bag while we walk?"

A train hits a bus filled with Catholic school girls and they all perish. They are in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates when St. Peter asks the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
St. Peter asks the next girl the same question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "Okay, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and pass through the gate."
All of a sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front, St.Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it."

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.

This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to findher husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he hadbeen let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly$1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank.
She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!"
That's when she shot him.
You know, sometimes, men just don't know when to keep their mouths shut.


OK listen up! As every southerner knows it's time to get ready for that all important cooking technique of the south---outdoor Grilling! I have found several stores (not just in the south) where you can get a FREE Bar-B-Q Grill! This is not a joke. You can get a free BBQ grill from any of the following stores: A&PAlbertsonsCostcoFood LionFry'sKrogerBig LotsBrookshire'sMeijerPublixSafewaySam's ClubTargetVonsWal-MartWinn-DixieI especially like the higher shelf which can be used for keeping things warm!



Just make sure to get a metal one...the Plastic one's don't do so well when smokin a pig!