Old people have the plague.

So I am sick. Again. I don’t even know what it is. I woke up this morning at 2:30 with a fever of 104 and my whole body feeling like it was a giant Charlie horse. Other than that I’m fine but I feel like I’m dying, my skin is on fire but I feel like I cant warm up and I can’t stay awake for more than 15 minutes. I don’t know how I could have gotten sick, but I’m gonna blame it on the old people, cause none of my kids have been ill this week (ha! like that means anything)

So its mother’s day and I’m supposed to be at a barbeque right now, dealing with family and pretending to like them. I talked to my mom again when was it? Sometime last week, Thursday night maybe, I told her everything this time, well almost everything, and this time, I think she understood, she told me I should get on anti-depressants, but she understood. She even told me where I could get a night time job and a place to live, doing caretaking. I don’t know what to do. He is acting like everything is dandy now, even though he seemed to understand when I told him. The way everyone is acting, all this dancing around the subject is beginning to seriously make me think I’m insane. I feel tortured inside feeling what I feel and thinking what I think and everyone acting like it’ll pass. Maybe I am actually insane, he’s a good man, he’d be a great provider if I gave him the chance, he’d do everything in his power to make me happy, so why do I feel so compelled to leave? He is everything I was brought up to want in a man. I’ve been with him for so long I don’t know anything else, and maybe that’s the problem, I don’t know me, I want other things out of life, I want to try things on my own. I just wish I hadn’t gotten in this deep before I realized this. Things haven’t really been the same since we broke up, and he knows this, he’s felt it too, but we went and we tried to save everything by getting married… and now I’m just afraid it made everything worse, that now I have no chance of keeping him as a friend when I leave, and that in itself is enough to make me want to stay, but I know that that is wrong. Staying with him because I’m scared and I don’t want to hurt him is the worst possible scenario. Staying with him because everyone is going to think I’m a horrid bitch, is not the right reason. If I stay it should be because it’s everything I want in life and I’m ready to take the leap. But its not and I’m not. So I sit here having to think of a way to say goodbye, to be out on my own, and thinking of how to face the world as a divorcee.

I want to leave, I want to say fuck the world and take off somewhere exotic that only a few people in the world know about and stick my toes in the sand my nose in a book, and pretend everything is ok.

I know a person can get physically ill from stress, but can you get a fever from it? Maybe it’s not the old people after all, maybe its lack of sleep and everything that’s going on in my life. One of these days I’m gonna vanish, and everyone is going to get beautiful pictures of my white sand and blue water that says “wish you were here” and that will be the last anyone will hear of me.