do pancakes count as UFO's?

Artist: KT Tunstall
Album: Eye To The Telescope
Title: Other Side Of The World

Over the sea and far away
She's waiting like an iceberg
Waiting to change
But she's cold inside
She wants to be like the water

All the muscles tighten in her face
Buries her soul in one embrace
They're one and the same
Just like water

The fire fades away
Most of everyday
Is full of tired excuses
But it's to hard to say
I wish it were simple
But we give up easily
You're close enough to see that
You're the other side of the world to me

On comes the panic light
Holding on with fingers and feelings alike
But the time has come
To move along

The fire fades away

Can you help me
Can you let me go
And can you still love me
When you can't see me anymore

The fire fades away

so my sister is in town.

ah the joy that is my family.

so i've decided we're all insane. i got a pancake flung at my head for something my bro said. thats just not fair. i've spent the last few days with my sis, and i've decided i'm just about done. ok so i'm not just about done, i'm done. she and my mother have made that house a warzone. so i will pretend like i am super busy this week, despite the fact that i cleared my schedule, so that i can have some peace of mind.

speaking of peace of mind, me calling my family insane is most definitely the pot calling the kettle black.... can i be the kettle, it's a better name. so... i still dont know what is going on in my head, i spend all day thinking about one thing, thinking about escape, when i should be thinking about how to solve all the other problems that are going on. i just wish i had a fast forward button so i could skip to ten years from now and see how this all pans out.

cigarettes coffee and valium

ok so i'd be happy with any one of those right now. ok so i dont think i've ever actually had valium(and it makes me kind of sad that i cant recall), but someone offered me some today so i guess i'm getting pretty bad. i worked 61 hours last week, and 54 this week. i didnt think that was possible. whats worse is that my conscience wont let me put about 20 of those hours on my timesheet, why, cause it was shopping and doing other things preparing for my work week, not really actual work... i dunno still debating.

i was in a roaring bad mood this morning, and then i got stuck in a meeting for a few hours and got a ticket and yelled at by a parent, then my mood improved, i couldnt do anything but laugh cause i know that it will be better tomorrow or the next day. it can get worse so i better hope it doesnt, but really life sucks just laugh, i really have too much to be greatful for, there are so many people who love me and i am at a point in my life right now where i'm willing to write off 20 hours as volunteer time. so it cant be that bad, sure i would rather be on the beach, rather be walking hand in hand with the one i love along the shore, stopping to kiss every 10 feet or so... but i'm here and i have kids who adore me and people who love me and as long as they outnumber the ones that hate me and think that im an utter idiot, i think i can stick it out here.

so if you think you can dance, if you think you have an ounce of rhythm in your body, think you can move your hips, take a belly dancing class it will prove you wrong in 30 seconds flat. i am debating whether or not i want to go to bellydancing tomorrow. i definitely dont feel sexy enough to do belly dancing and its difficult, i hate it when i dont get things on the first try, but apparently it happens ;) but i had fun on monday even though i was tricked. so i think for once i'll say fuck everyone and do it for me. besides has anyone seen the video to "hips dont lie"? shakira makes that shit look fucking hot, and if i can look 1/4 that hot i think i could be dangerous.

my sisters birthday is coming up... i think... i want to say its next wednesday... i know its june 1st but i'm not sure what day that is... i also dont know what to get her, and i havent had anytime lately to paint... my goodness i really want to paint, i havent done that in ages i think i'll go do that now.

toasty.

so i am fried to a crisp.

ok so maybe not fried
and the whole thing could have been prevented with a little spf.

but i look like a raccoon, a tomato red raccoon.

do raccoons come in tomato red?

doesnt matter. i look like one anyway. so i got conned into helping out with itty bitty sports. itty bitty sports has to be just about the cutest thing ever. its kiddos from ages 2-5 playing basketball tee ball and soccer. everything is miniturized, and i get to teach them the basics of these sports. which is good cause all i know are the basics. someone quit mid-season and i got elected to take over, so i will be giving up my saturdays from here to eternity.... ok so maybe not eternity maybe till like june 17th but its cute and made me happy

i have been in an exceptionally happy mood lately, dont know why, but i hope it stays this way.

Old people have the plague.

So I am sick. Again. I don’t even know what it is. I woke up this morning at 2:30 with a fever of 104 and my whole body feeling like it was a giant Charlie horse. Other than that I’m fine but I feel like I’m dying, my skin is on fire but I feel like I cant warm up and I can’t stay awake for more than 15 minutes. I don’t know how I could have gotten sick, but I’m gonna blame it on the old people, cause none of my kids have been ill this week (ha! like that means anything)

So its mother’s day and I’m supposed to be at a barbeque right now, dealing with family and pretending to like them. I talked to my mom again when was it? Sometime last week, Thursday night maybe, I told her everything this time, well almost everything, and this time, I think she understood, she told me I should get on anti-depressants, but she understood. She even told me where I could get a night time job and a place to live, doing caretaking. I don’t know what to do. He is acting like everything is dandy now, even though he seemed to understand when I told him. The way everyone is acting, all this dancing around the subject is beginning to seriously make me think I’m insane. I feel tortured inside feeling what I feel and thinking what I think and everyone acting like it’ll pass. Maybe I am actually insane, he’s a good man, he’d be a great provider if I gave him the chance, he’d do everything in his power to make me happy, so why do I feel so compelled to leave? He is everything I was brought up to want in a man. I’ve been with him for so long I don’t know anything else, and maybe that’s the problem, I don’t know me, I want other things out of life, I want to try things on my own. I just wish I hadn’t gotten in this deep before I realized this. Things haven’t really been the same since we broke up, and he knows this, he’s felt it too, but we went and we tried to save everything by getting married… and now I’m just afraid it made everything worse, that now I have no chance of keeping him as a friend when I leave, and that in itself is enough to make me want to stay, but I know that that is wrong. Staying with him because I’m scared and I don’t want to hurt him is the worst possible scenario. Staying with him because everyone is going to think I’m a horrid bitch, is not the right reason. If I stay it should be because it’s everything I want in life and I’m ready to take the leap. But its not and I’m not. So I sit here having to think of a way to say goodbye, to be out on my own, and thinking of how to face the world as a divorcee.

I want to leave, I want to say fuck the world and take off somewhere exotic that only a few people in the world know about and stick my toes in the sand my nose in a book, and pretend everything is ok.

I know a person can get physically ill from stress, but can you get a fever from it? Maybe it’s not the old people after all, maybe its lack of sleep and everything that’s going on in my life. One of these days I’m gonna vanish, and everyone is going to get beautiful pictures of my white sand and blue water that says “wish you were here” and that will be the last anyone will hear of me.

bored to tears

so i just got out of a defensive driving class where everyone with the exception of one was old enough to be my grand parents. (or great grand parents)

i made friends with the only guy who was younger than the rest, frankie, because he felt bad that the people were being catty toward me just for being young, which might have been a bad idea cause we were cracking jokes the whole time and getting in trouble, but a good thing cause i had someone on my side, and he bought me lunch. we went over such thrilling subjects as "your ABS and you" and reaction time and age, and my personal favorite, "how to know when its time to let go of the wheel" with the exception of frankie, they were all evil toward me, and i'm still kinda reeling from the experience, and kinda wishing i would have had a normal defensive driving class with people more my age who speed too much and are only taking the class to get out of a damned ticket.

they even laughed at me it was quite sad. we had to stand up introduce ourselves and tell the year we got our drivers licence, i was the only one who has done it within the last 40 years and it made me feel kinda rediculous frankie got his in 1965ish and everyone else was before 1950, no lie, the worst one was the one who was the most catty toward me (agnes) who got hers in 1929. the only lady that old that i know, that has that much energy to be mean was my great grandma.

so now i feel pretty low about being young, i know that its just cause they were all jealous, but they obviously dont remember the burdons of being young, i have to worry about my badly-paying-more-than-full-time job, a divorce, my schooling, and my non-existant social life. ok so some of these are pretty petty, but they are the things that they are envying, so why bother envying me?

i give up those people were crazy. i'm just glad i have my certificate complete with misspelled name so that i can drive around the kiddos with out killing them, myself, or anyone on the road.

fuchsia smile at 95mph

fucia? fuchia fusia? fuchisa? one really hard word to spell but my goal for the week was getting a that colored lipstick. i got two, and a mauve, and a nail polish and.... so yeah shopping with rikki is fun. i didn't really get out cheap cause MAC and Estee Lauder aren't cheap, but i got out a helluva lot cheaper than her.

i have been running late all day. i was late to work this morning, i was late to work this afternoon, i was only gone for like two hours but i've been late all day. i was even late to leave work.

ok so something strange just happened, here i sit blogging and some dude comes up and asks me if he can sit and talk and i'm bored blathering on about my day so i'm like sure whatever. so we sit and talk, and at the end he propositioned me, i turned him down cold, and he just called me a cocktease. i dont even know how to flirt people!!!

so what was i talking about... oh yeah the wind

ok so i wasnt talking about the wind but i was going to. i got wind burned yesterday. it was sad. i thought it was impossible outside of the desert but i guess i was wrong, painfully wrong. at 2:00 it had measured 57 mph at the peak and 35 at jefferson, i think what i got hit by was more than 35, and that shit tore down trees. scary...

i'm leaving now i feel like i havent finished saying what i sat down to say but i cant recall what that could have been. i'm gonna go help a friend change his sparkplugs cause he's clueless.

Everything Else

<<

so how i feel today.

<<

There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard
No song I could sing But I can try for your heart
Our dreams, and they are made out of real things Like a, shoebox of photographs With sepiatone loving
Love is the answer, At least for most of the questions in my heart
Like why are we here? and where do we go?And how come we're so hard?
It's not always easy and Sometimes life can be deceiving
I'll tell you one thing its always better when we're together
And all of these moments Just might find there way into my dreams tonight
But I know that theyll be gone When the morning light sings
And brings new things But tomorrow night you see That theyll be gone too
Too many things I have to do But if all of these dreams might find there way
Into my day to day sceneIll be under the impression I was somewhere in between
With only two Just me and you Not so many things we got to do
Or places we got to be We'll Sit beneath the mango tree
Its always better when we're together Somewhere in between
I believe in memories They look so, so pretty when I sleep
Hey now, and when I wake up, You look so pretty sleeping next to me
But there is no time, And there is no song I could sing
And there is no, combination of words I could say But I will still tell you one thing
We're Better together.

Jack Johnson, Better Together.

So I did a lot this weekend, it was all due to procrastination, but hey, whatever right? I wrote three chapters, nursed a cold, did a couple awesome sketches, got three (or four or seven) weeks worth of laundry done, organized my shoes, washed my car, cleaned out my car, detailed my car, visited my mother, went to my dads company picnic, took a tour of his work, shot my brother with a BB gun cause he ran over my foot. Talked to what seems like everyone on the phone for a few hours. Drove down to Peralta to see my nana. Went shopping, paid all my bills, planned out a budget, blew a good chunk of money on new cd’s (system of a down: steal this album& toxicity, The Yeah Yeah Yeahs: Gold Lion, Johnny Cash: The Legend Of Johnny Cash, Dido: No Angel (again I lost that one with my case) Taking Back Sunday: Louder Now, Yellowcard: Lights and Sounds, Matchbook Romance) because I decided that I don’t need anymore shoes (this week) all because I was avoiding packing. Which I have decided not to do yet. We are talking, a lot, about everything that has been bothering the both of us. And I am taking my time to think about whether or not I am ready to be done with this relationship, about whether or not I am ready to lose my best friend. So I sit here still contemplating these things. And feeling like everything and nothing has changed since last week. Does that make sense?

So now since avoidance is my MO I sit here writing this doing work for the week and watching tv and listening to Gold Lion, and organizing my cd case so I don’t have to think too much. I need to decide what exactly it is that I want. But I cant face that right now.

So this morning I woke up feeling like my eyeballs were about to burn out the back of my head.i figured they were dry so I put eyedrops which was a big mistake because it felt like scraping them out with my fingernails would have hurt less. I still can’t figure out why but the feeling has stopped, and I am grateful. I cant decide how to organize my cd’s should I do alphabetically by artist, alphabetically by album, by genre, so I think I am going to do genre then artist then album. And after I put in all this effort I know someones going to borrow one and put it in the wrong place and drive me crazy. So maybe I should just stick them all in the case. I love imf I like this song that’s playing on the TV and I couldn’t figure out who it was by its kinda hard to hear the yeah yeah yeah’s and motion city soundtrack at the same time and decipher these things, but it sounds pretty cool you have the mellow and the rock. I think if I had a band that’s how it would be. i think i need a band. then i could have people waiting on me hand and foot... but then i would have to put up with groupies.... hmmm groupies could be interesting. but this is all irrelevant cause i can hardly play the guitar, i refuse to share my songs and i cant sing.

10 Things I Hate About Everyone.

ok so i'm not actually hating anyone right now but myself.

i put a band-aid on a shotgun blast and my mother is trying to tell me it'll help.

i have broken his heart for what i have decided is the last time. theres really no turning back from the second time.

i am moving out this weekend.

i need a bed.

i feel like the worlds biggest human shit.

my sister said she was going to tell me not to do it in the first place but couldn't

i don't regret it at all, i at least got to be with my best friend for a while.

why is break-up sex so damn good?

i want to run away.

i refuse to run away.

he really shouldnt have taken me back.

my heart is aching.

i think i'm too young for this shit.

i think she was right when she called me a hit-and-run.

i am surprised and slightly hurt that he seemed ok.

i am really happy that i know he will be ok this time.

i still love him.

i always will.

i feel like a world class idiot.

i think i want to move.

i think right now that would be running away.

i think i should start taking kickboxing.

i think i'm thinking too much.

i think there's too many things going on right now.

i'm afraid i'm making a mistake.

i'm afraid of dying old alone and ugly.

i'm afraid of being alone.

i'm afraid of staying.

i'm afraid of leaving.

i want a cigarette.

i refuse to smoke.

i'm afraid of what they're all gonna think.

i'm afraid i dont really care.

i feel alone.

i need to eat but cant.

i want a rewind button.

i want to change schools.

i dont want to have to deal with tomorrow.

i want a new brain.

i want to make the right decision.

i want this to be easy.

i know it won't be.

i need a shoulder to lean on.

i dont want to burden anyone.

i want bamboo sheets.

i want to protect him from me.

i dont know how.

i want to protect me from myself.

i dont know how.

it is seriously frustrating to have a hero complex and no plan of action.

i have a week of in july.

i doubt i'll do anything with it.

i want to go to bed and wake up in ten years.

i want him to be happy.

i hope that i can be happy.

i really want to sleep.

i can't, and know i wont tonight.

i hope the kids can't tell.

i'm wondering if this is why my ring broke.

i think i hurt myself in that damned fall.

in more ways than one.

i feel like an idiot.

i want to read.

i think i will read.

i drew an awesome pic last night, while i was thinking everything over.

i left it at IHOP.

i wish i had more friends in town.

i wish i knew where my life is headed.

i wish i knew i'm not gonna die alone and ugly.

i wish i were happy.

eeek i never post any more. i keep saying i have no life, and this is true... but where is all my fucking time going... here enjoy these moments i did. they were beautiful, moments like this make me happy i'll always decide not to leave this wretched town. (ok so its not so wretched.)