The sun sets across the ocean
I'm a thousasnd miles from anywhere
A pocketbook and my heart
Both just got stolen
And that sun act like she don't even care
Wind blows cold when you reach the top
It feels like someone's face is stuck to the bottom of my shoe
I got a plastic Jesus and a cordless telephone
Everybody but you telling me what to do
Well I've been down so long
Oh it can't be longer still
And I've been down for so long
That the end must be drawing near
I looked to everybody but me
To answer my prayers
Til I saw an angel in the bathroom
Who said she saw nobody worth saving anywhere
And the blind man on the corner said
"It's Simple, like flipping a coin
Don't matter what side it lands on
It's somebody else's dime"
Well I've been down so long
Oh It can't be longer still
And I've been down so long
That the end must be drawing near
I take a trip
I catch a train
I catch a plane
Got a ticket in my hand
And then a fat man takes my money
And like cattle we all stand
We've been down so long
Oh it can't be longer still
We've been down so long
That the end must be
I know the end must be
Oh I know the end
Must be drawing near

ok so i was looking at my past blogs and it is definitely an emotional minefield.

im sick, i've been sick for so long that im just run down. i've been sick since december 26th, but no one seems to know whats going on. if i were on better terms more friendly terms with lindsey i might feel more comfortable with talking to her mom cause i think she could help me. but its to the point where the doctors are testing me for everything including HIV which i dont have and knew i didnt have thankyouverymuch! where was i? oh yeah sick. so yeah that and i have not had my aunt visit since october 21, which means im not ovulating, which i just take as proof that they were all wrong and i really am broken. so it could be thyroid, hormones, weight, or something serious. yay.

as for weight i have been wanting to take care of that but you cant really work out when you cant breathe, i have losst a few pounds but i think that is more due to inablitly to eat then anything else, and i must say im happy for that cause they had me on prednisone there for a while and i thought that i was gonna blow up like a baloon, but i was fortunate. my face has been swollen for a while now thats no good for someones self image, especially when i just got a haircut that accentuates my face. speaking of my hair cut my hair grows too damn fast its been what three or four weeks and its already down to my chin again.

i drew for the first time in forever, which made me feel better, my doctor, one of the many doctors i should say, stupid fucking HMO's i dont get to see my doctor till the 18th of next month one of the urgent care doctors told me i need to go out and enjoy life. (not in a creepy you're dying sort of way, because even though im sick im not deathly ill) what was i talking about, oh yeah and it reminded me that i havent really done the things i love to do in so long that i dont even know if i like to do them anymore.

ok enough woe-is-me crap. im giving up beef. i saw that video of those cows at the Hallmark slaughter house and i'm giving up beef until they have some better regulation in order, i may just give up meat in general because i know what they do to those poor chickens. (although i loves me some chicken) and there is so much crap in the pesticides that i think i'll just have to go organic. which lets face it, would probaby (probably? definitely is more like it) be better for me. lets just see if my will power and wallet can hold out. eww i just scratched my ear and the medicine is oozing out cause i forgot a friggin cotton ball. space cadets like me shouldnt be allowed to be sick for the plain and simple fact that im not organized enough to take the proper care of myself to get well. damn that stuff tastes disgusting (not the eardrops).

ok lets post three happy things so i dont feel so crappy.
its very nice and springlike out today and i think i can finally fly my pretty toucan kite.
i have health insurance
i've had my car over a year and techinically never been late with a payment which means my credit is probably finally clearing up
i made some really cool jewelry last night
i am loved
i havent taken any vicodin or ibuprophen today and i can swallow
my daddy is building me shelves on sunday
i will finally get to paint my kitchen this weekend (eek! got to finally decide on a color!)
es que im sexy even when im sick

see ok im happy now. im just so damn tired and im tired of being tired.

Been stuck in my head for days now

Stupid ipod Commercials

Artist: Feist.
Album: The Reminder
Title: 1234
One Two Three Four
Tell me that you love me more
Sleepless long nights
That is what my youth was for

Old teenage hopes are alive at your door
Left you with nothing but they want some more
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, You know who you are

Sweetheart bitterheart now I can tell you apart
Cosy and cold, put the horse before the cart
Those teenage hopes who have tears in their eyes
Too scared to own up to one little lie
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are

One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
One, two, three, four, five, six, nine, or ten
Money can't buy you back the love that you had then
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, you're changing your heart
Oh, you know who you are
Oh, who you are
For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart
For the teenage boys
They're breaking your heart

Artist: CSS (Cansei de ser sexy)
Album: (i had a hard enough time finding the song)
Title: Music is my hot, hot sex

From all the drugs the one i like more is music
From all the junks the one i need more is music
From all the boys the one i take home is music
From all the ladies the one i kiss is music (muah!)

Music is my boyfriend
Music is my girlfriend
Music is my dead end
Music is my imaginary friend
Music is my brother
Music is my great-grand-daughter
Music is my sister
Music is my favorite mistress

From all the shit the one i gotta buy is music
From all the jobs the one i choose is music
From all the drinks the one i get drunk is music
From all the bitches the one i wannabe is music

Music is my beach house
Music is my hometown
Music is my kingsize bed
Music is where ie meet my friends
Music is my hot hot bath
Music is my hot hot sex
Music is my back rub
Music is where i'd like you to touch

Claro-que-sim Fui escoteira-mirim Direto da escola, não Não ia cheirar cola Nem basquete, pebolim O que eu gosto não é de graça O que gosto não é farsa Tem guitarra, bateria, computador saindo som Alguns dizem que mais alto que um furacão (rhéum) Perto dele eu podia sentir Saía de seu olho e chegava em mim Sentada do seu lado Eu queria encostar Faria o tigela até o sol raiar Debaixo do lençol Ele gemia em ré bemol Fiquei tensa Mas tava tudo bem Ele é fodão, mas eu sei que eu sou também

no hablo portugese dont ask, i dont know, oh wait babel fish.

"Clearly-that-yes I was escoteira - mirim Direct of the school, did not go to smell glue Nor basquete, pebolim What I taste is not of favour What taste is not humbug Has guitar, battery, computer leaving sound Some says that higher than an hurricane (rhéum) Close to it I could feel I left its eye and I arrived in me Seated of its side I I wanted to lean I would make the earthen bowl until the sun to come in sight Underneath of the sheet It I moaned in flat reverse speed I was tense But It tava all good is fodão, but I know that I am also" ok still dont know what it says. i give up.

meth addict cleaning

so i cleaned my whole house with a toothbrush. not because i'm on meth, im no longer a big fan of drugs, havent been for years, never really been a particularly big fan of meth so far as being a fan of drugs can go. just because scrubbing things down like that is good for the soul, turns out i have a lot of work to do so im gonna cut this short, and hope i can get back to it later.

bogo

So I was killing time yet again (this can't last long) and I went to walgreens cause I needed a mascara, ok so need may be a bit of a strong word. But they didn't have the one I wanted so I continued crusing the makeup aisle until I found the lipstick I had been looking for for almost two years now. And it was bogo so I decided to get a mascara too and it came with an eyeliner and I must say it is anything but subtle. I feel kinda tarty, it made me feel better, plus the smell of this lipstick reminds me of a kiss I put on a painting nearly two years ago. And of some naughty looking pictures (I had clothes on I swear!) in other words good memories.

Its funny how a good memory can remind you its time to move forward in life. So let me sigh one more sigh, shed one more tear, and pull my butt off that ground using my own two hands and bootstraps. I know I'm gonna fall down again eventually but that's no reason to delay getting up.

That being said happy birthday to me, well not today but on the 21st if anyone wants me I have decided I will be at whatever jazz club I can find (probably all the way in santa fe) sipping on wine I can't afford looking mysterious and aloof with that little black dress my mom bought me like a month ago, these hot ducking lips, and searing eyes.

I will have a hangover for thanksgiving, but that's ok seeing as I hate that holiday anyway. So its time for me to feel like super woman again, any ideas what I can do to help save my little corner of the world?

Oh well more later right now I'm too cold to sit here but looking too tarty to go inside a camera store at night on east central.

Maybe I should go to the bookstore down the road

oh great, another complex.

I am Not a twenty-two year-old.

ok so at least im not the average twenty-two year-old, i just talk like one.

i've decided im turning 46 this year, that is 23 years with two birthdays per year for a total of 46 years.

i've been watching tv and lately everytime they show a young woman she is pegged as 22. And she is young and pretty and obsessed with sex and has bad posture and cant cook and is generally ditzy, even last night on NCIS there was a 22year old, only this one was a little more realistic, but she was still inarticulate over emotional and couldnt make a decent cup of coffee.

maybe my obsession with this is that i've seen myself as mature for so long that when i see these people portrayed this way its almost like i myself am backsliding into the stereotype.

should this worry me? no. will it? possibly.

so maggie asked me a question the other day, she said "fifteen years from now if you found out i died would you go to my funeral?" and i said i dont know. this started a little game in my head, if this person died would i go to thier funeral.

magster: i honestly dont know, how would i know i dont think im going to know her in fifteen years, this point last year i would have said yes, but we've moved from personal friends to business friends, and thats not conducive to a funeral in fifteen years kinda relationship.

rikki: without a doubt

family: of course

dana: same boat as maggie

him: yeah probably

THM: i dont think his family would appreciate it much

Binky poo: yeah, you know probably. i dont think we'll be talking in fifteen years. but im finally how shall we say, comfortable with the way things were left, not in animosity but in a general life sends you down different paths sort of way.

katwoman: yes

green bean: you know, its sad, but probably not.

the boys: no

hmmm i think im going to get out of a lot of funerals.

chris T: yes

any other chris: no

AP: you know probably because i have a soft spot for that woman

YB: no

pl: just to make sure he's dead

and i cant think of anyone else right now that i can say that yes in fifteen years if i heard you died i would most definitely go to your funeral.

i think the life style we lead has become too fleeting.

Tori Amos' madness is contageous.

Or at least that's what Dana says, I'm inclined to agree. So here I sit waiting for my name to be called so I can be stuck with a needle and bleed out a two pints of blood, to be spun separated so the red blood cells are collected plasma and platelets mixed with room temperature saline and pumped back in to my arm. And the sicko in me is looking forward to this. Ok I don't know if its the sicko or the girl who still wants to save the world. Either way I've been called a sicko twice today. Well twice on that and then again when I said if I were to die in an hour I would rob a bank while fucking. Oh well I am who I am and I can't change it. Everytime I tri I wind up low and wondering who I am. Its much better to just go with the flow.

long time no see

insert good quote here

lets see whats changed since may? where was i in may? nothing and everything has changed, my mom has moved as of yesterday, i have my house, my beautiful puppy, and im happy just for the sake of being happy this week. why? who knows

i didnt go to the fair this year, which is not really that big of a loss, i've started an excercise program for the like millionth time, but this time i feel like i will stick to it. except today because i actually left the house on time and the most practical shoes i have in my trunk are like 3" heels, and thats just not condusive to walking. so i will take a break today, go back to it tomorrow, and figure something out for the weekend, i should actually take flowers (my puppy) to the park, like i've been promising her since forever.

where was i i got distracted by breakfast, convo with the magster and some work... its soo easy for me to lose my train of thought, probably not a good thing.

ok i think im done with this blog. hello world im back, and im almost myself.

my life is a country song.

I fell and twisted my ankle, my account's overdrawn, and I got in a wreck,
My dog is sick, my car charger won't work, and I think I'm getting a chest cold. Yee haw!

So I'm happy the woman let me go cause part of the reason I was freaking out so much is because my insurance lapsed because when they last went to withdraw it my account was overdrawn and I'm driving illegally. But the lady I hit (yes ladies and gentlemen this smart smart person rear ended said good samaritan, while not even on the phone, applying make up or speeding. I was stopped at a red light on montano and Coors, not even one block from work. Well, apparently not stopped.) any way she came out I asked if she was ok and apologized, she looked at her car, looked at mine, said do you have insurance, I said I'm not sure, she asked for my name and number have me hers, and we took off. (maybe cause I was crying and shaking like a leaf?) everything else is pretty self explanitory.

" I like your Christ...

"...But I do not like your Christians, they are so unlike your Christ." -random bumper sticker wisdom

Sadly wisdom that I have had the misfortune of funding to be true. Myself included.

my poor doped up Lover.

Lover got in a fight last week and he had to be taken to the er. He's got one ear stitched up, a drainage tube in his neck, a few other stitches and a great big bandage over one eye. He's been doped up on painkillers the last two days looking at me with his sad brown eyes. It makes me just want to throw my arms around his neck and hold him. I probably would if it wasn't for the tube.