uh... whatever.

So how do I feel today? That seems to be the question most asked lately. I feel offended complimented upset kind of sad a little angry relieved strong and a little bit hopeful.

Now the question that always follows is why, so I will play the game for once and by the rules and just go on to tell you to the best of my ab1ilities why. Now this may not make sense because feelings don’t often translate into words, but hey, it’s worth a shot.

Offended: I feel offended because someone very dear to me thinks that I will be stupid enough to repeat my mistakes time and time again. I also feel offended because my mother seems to think I am incapable of taking care of myself. I don’t feel too bad on that part because after these past few days I don’t really feel like being an adult, I would really like to resign my post as a “grown up” and go back to being five. But let’s face it... So not gonna happen.

Complimented and upset: These two go hand in hand because; some of my paintings were stolen. Someone broke into my car and stole some things, a lighter a couple of bucks from my ashtray, a couple CD’s and three paintings that were in the back seat. Apparently they didn’t want all my junk I was moving stuff from storage to my mom’s house and they saw fit to sit there and pick and choose what to take. I am upset because they took my stuff and I actually liked those paintings, but complimented because they chose them, there were about twelve there and they picked those ones. I’m kinda creeped out because what kind of freak steals unknown artwork from the back of a car, and why did they have enough time to choose? But really I can’t help but feel a little twinge of pride that they wanted something I made enough to take it.

Kind of sad: don’t really want to talk about it, which is why I guess I should. I don’t know I’m just reminiscing a little from going through all this junk.

A little angry: I’m kind of tired of people saying I’m better off. That he didn’t deserve me or that he didn’t treat me right or that I can do better. I keep hearing this from different people and I wish they would stop talking badly about him. I don’t feel like any of this is true, I feel like he felt I wasn’t worth the effort of keeping, I feel a little unappreciated, but I don’t feel like that’s all his fault he tried, there’s just something in my head that makes me feel like it just isn’t enough. He’s not a bad person, he’s really not, it’s just he’s just not right for me.

Relieved: a little relieved the end is in sight and it doesn’t seem like it’s gonna be one of those bloody murder kind of divorces, and I’m finally not worried about him. I know he’s gonna be ok and I don’t think he’s gonna be trying to get me back. It’ll be sad the day we sign the papers, but we’re both ready. Neither of us is gonna try to screw the other over so that always makes things easier, and neither of us really has assets to fight over. He gets all of the furniture; I get all of the everything else. He gets the toys and electronics; I get the books and all the gadgets I want. Other than that we each take out what we brought in. the only things that are going to be a hassle are the phone bill and the car insurance cause those are both under my name but not all just for me.

Strong: I think I’m taking this pretty well. People keep telling me I’m strong and I’m getting to a point where I’m starting to believe them.

A little bit hopeful: it’s not the end of the world. And I’m not just saying that because I know it, I’m saying that cause that’s actually how I feel today

So I dropped off of the face of the planet for about a day and it caused quite a stir, apparently I am the kind of person who is never allowed to just disappear, no worries, I wont ever do that again. I just needed some time to think, without anyone trying to get in my head. My mom thinks I’m depressed my dad thinks I’m bi-polar and everyone else thinks I’m just crazy. I don’t think I’m any of these. I think I’m just going through a major life change one of many in this last year and I think I will get through it ok, better with out everyone’s two cents worth. I was sitting here thinking about it in this past year I have been kicked out kicked down picked up loved hated married divorced and promoted twice almost fired for something I didn’t do, made great new friends, lost some old ones, and I’ve lived in three different places. It’s been a busy year and I’m kind of tired. I think I’ll just pretend like it’s over and start again. Lorenzo said I should move away from here if I could, just for a little while till I become whole again… I keep thinking the beach sounds awfully nice from here.

I think its harder divorcing your best friend because part of you wants to kill him and part of you wants to hold him and make everything ok. And you know what could make it ok and you hate yourself for not giving it, for giving in for staying; but you know you would hate yourself more if you did. I’m glad we will end this on speaking terms, but I’m even gladder he finally stopped trying to get in my pants.