hi

Hoobastank

the reason

I'm not a perfect person

as many things I wish I didn't do

but I continue learning

I never meant to do those things to you

and so I have to say before I go

that I just want you to know

I've found a reason for me

to change who I used to be

a reason to start over new

and the reason is you

I'm sorry that I hurt you

it's something I must live with everyday

and all the pain I put you through

I wish that I could take it all away

and be the one who catches all your tears

that's why I need you to hear

I've found a resaon for me

to change who I used to be

a reason to start over new

and the reason is you

so i was supposed to go to the Korn family values tour yesterday but i gave my ticket to mario... i should have just gone after work. this was written yesterday and there was something else i wanted to say but i have forgotten i'm sure i will remember and then forget later.

(I just re read this and its all kind of depressing I should probably either try to make it seem more upbeat or take some of this shit out of it but then that would totally defeat the purpose of opening up.)

So a few people have noticed that I have been amiss on my blog. One noticed that I hadn’t written on any of them. I didn’t realize any one still read these things. So…

I don’t feel like writing.

I don’t feel like doing much of anything but I keep pushing myself because I know if I don’t I will just slip into a depression and be in that for a few months until I finally haul my ass into the Dr’s and have him put me on some anti depressants that I will take for about two months before I realize that I hate the things and chuck them down the toilet effectively wasting both my time and my money which have both become precious commodities lately, and then crashing as the drugs work their way out of my system making me feel worse than I did to begin with… or maybe about just as bad as I do now which is still no good. So I will skip the whole scenario that I have played out too many times before and just make myself do the things I don’t want to do. Like getting up in the morning, and going to work, and eating, and taking care of my self and putting on a happy face and telling everyone I’m fine. I really am fine though… I’m still lost and scared and confused but I’m fine in the fact that I know its not the end of the world… just the end of the world as I know it… and that’s ok. I feel like shit but I will keep on looking great and pretending I feel great until I make myself believe it.

Speaking of not being ok…. Fucking Malinda!
I was in the office (I’m always in the office lately) and Malinda and I were talking about something or other about having to travel across town, and I mentioned that I was living at my mom’s house and she said “0h my god are you ok sweetie?” and I said yes because I didn’t even really mean to bring it up…. And she was like “ok don’t lie to me drea, you can bullshit a lot of people but remember I’ve been in your shoes… I don’t even know why I asked that. You’re not but you will be” And that was the end of that… with one sentence I realized that she knew EXACTLY how I felt. And it made me a little uncomfortable, I think I’ve been doing ok with my façade but…

So I have started balancing my check book and I bought an organizer, and I have even used it two days straight. and I did laundry before I ran out of clean underwear and I have been doing all these other “adult” things and I feel like I am going out of my head. I kind of liked the way I did things before, I didn’t need clothes before I needed underwear because I have significantly less underwear than I do outfits. I always knew about how much money I had in my account. I always realized I had something to do before it was too late… and I was amazingly organized with Touree’s things… mostly because I accomplish everything before I let myself rest for the day. But I figure I will play the game and do things right and be a little more mature and a little less stressed.

I was talking to someone about how he didn’t understand how a young person could get to a point in their lives where they would be so desperate that they would take their life… I don’t know… I’ve been trying to figure it out the past couple of days and I cant… I’ve seen it a few times, hell a few years ago I even felt it myself… but the question remains… why…? I’m trying to remember what was going through my head at that point in my life I had watched my aunt OD I had heard horror stories about her children, I had seen a friend try to commit suicide right in front of my face, I had just lost my favorite uncle after watching him waste away… I had just lost my best friend to cancer, I had just lost my great grandma and I had just lost a mentor… all within a few months… this kind of shit happens to other people though, but they have the strength of character to live right on through it. Yeah these experiences were all traumatic but I don’t think I should have been as fucked up as I was… I was really fucked up there for a while. Finally I couldn’t take it anymore and stopped feeling any thing and then I just started hurting myself to feel… and the funny part is I was in so much pain and so numb at the same time, but I was hiding what I was doing cause I didn’t want anyone to worry about me. I am one twisted individual…. But that is a memory lane I don’t feel like traveling tonight.

I’m still doing it. I’m hurting inside and I am trying to hide it all away. Any one who knows me at all has to know I’m doing awful… but I am a lot stronger now than I was when I was fifteen and I have a lot less shit going on in my life. My biggest concerns now are fire marshals and divorce, not death and depression. I have no desire to harm myself in any way I just don’t feel like doing anything… so this I don’t think is depression I think I’m just feeling lonely. I go to bed at night and I wake up next to a pillow… a pillow can keep you warm but it cant hold you back… it cant snuggle with you…cant fuck you… oh well this too shall pass right? I will reach a point where I don’t even need the pillow, I can just sleep perfectly alone instead of surrounding myself so I feel like there’s someone there.

Speaking about crazy…

I was looking for an organizer right, a day planner whatever you want to call it, I’m sure there’s a difference but I really don’t know what it is nor do I care. So any way I was looking and there is all this random stuff there are bill organizers and coupon organizers and index card organizers and all this other random shit and I was making the comment to Rikki about how there are obsessive compulsive anal retentive people out there that buy this shit and it turns out she’s one of them. So I started thinking and I realized that there are quite a few people I know that are like that… so maybe I’m the freak, because I don’t have everything on my computer or my palm pilot or alarms on my phone or… or… or… I have all this shit, I just don’t ever take the time to use it. I think the ditzy lost drea is part of my charm, however… I am trying my best to look a little smarter and a little less ditzy… I kind of see the point for everything except the index card organizer, why would anyone keep something that was just supposed to help them remember things for like five minutes…. These are probably the same people who write more than two drafts of a paper… I think I better shut up before I stick my foot in it again.

Its only nine thirty but I think I’m gonna head on to bed… I’m exhausted I’ve had some pretty heavy shit on my brain all day… I think its time to turn off my phone and give my poor head a rest… any one who is even thinking of calling I’m sorry I’m inaccessible… for once… get used to it.