bunch of bloody whack jobs!

I have about 12 kids with ADD about 6 with ADHD (those are the ones diagnosed) and one with PTSD one with ODD two that are mentally challenged, two that are deaf and one that’s just a total whack job. That’s almost half of my kids that need special attention… some of these about five or so need one on one care. So what does this mean? It means I’m exhausted. I hadn’t noticed that I had these many kids with issues I was going through the files to draw up some termination papers and counted out of curiosity. This doesn’t include the ones that are pathological liars, the ones that act like they aren’t potty trained to get attention, and the ones that are just plain needy. Doesn’t include the ones with abandonment issues, the ones with anger management issues, and the one kid that’s afraid of wind (no lie)

I now realize why I am always so fucking tired. This is ridiculous.

I’m thinking that I shouldn’t have counted…. The knowledge makes the task seem that much more arduous, and it was seemingly insurmountable before.

I can’t remember the last time I did something creative. I don’t think I can anymore. It feels like all the passion has been sapped out of my life.

I don’t know if I’m just desperately in need of a vacation or if I really need to find another job.

Should I get glasses or contacts? I’m beginning to think I have pretty eyes but I am so used to seeing myself with glasses I’ve had them since first or second grade… I have to call and set up an eye appointment and see if my astigmatism will even allow me to do contacts… I’ve been thinking about lasik, but one it’s expensive and two what if they fuck up?

What would I do if I won the lottery? This thought came upon me when I was in the shower… I don’t know what I would do, I think I would travel. I would leave everything behind and go explore beaches. I need to get to a beach I keep going to lakes and rivers and such but its not the same I haven’t seen the ocean since I was about four years old (unless you count Texas and I don’t count Texas just like I don’t count Juarez as part of Mexico) and the only thing I really remember was almost getting washed away when the tide came in and getting bitten by a crab. Kind of like the only thing I remember about Disneyland is getting lost and getting sick on the teacups. California is close, about an eight to ten hour drive, maybe Rikki and I can drive down there when we’re on vacation.

I’m not very good at giving up on things, even when I know it’s the best thing for me, I keep trooping on so I can make the most people around me happy without concern for myself. I need to learn to cut strings when its best for me, I don’t want to turn into some coldhearted bitch, but I need to learn to do things for myself and not everyone around me, I think I could be a helluva lot happier if I could just do things for me. Maybe one day I will get there. I don’t wanna be like Cinderella waiting in some dark cold dusty cellar waiting on somebody to come and rescue me I’m sick of waiting for prince charming to come up on his white horse, I’m gonna have to rescue myself, I shouldn’t be so dependant on a man anyway, real or not.

I think I’ve finally gone over the edge. Oh well at least I get a night with the girlies tonight.

Ok so something strange just happened. I was just told that I could bank it as a bartender because I’m so bubbly. I tend to think I’m jaded and meanand bossy and anything but bubbly, but I was talking about how I was considering bartending as an alternate job (haha go from taking care of children to taking care of drunks) and Rikki said hey you’d be good at that cause your soo bubbly and cute and a big flirt… I’m still trying to figure out if she was being sarcastic, it didn’t seem like it but i just dont see myself that way at all.