Don't read this

its all utter crap that i need to get out somewhere and seeing as lindsey never picks up her phone i hardly ever get to see zo, my sister is too busy for me and everyone else i know has more problems than me. i will bitch on here.

i dont want to move. i have been thinking about it and thinking about it and it made me shop and bake and not just a little shopping or a little baking but i have bought seven pairs of shoes since i have been contemplating this some of which i will never wear, i know i will never wear but cannot bring myself to take back and i have made brownies chocolate chip cookies and three different kinds of biscotti. (butterscotch mocha and double chocolate) the butterscotch biscotti are the best. and biscotti takes a really friggin long time to make. so pluh. i dont want to go they are offering him an hourly wage that is more than the both of us are making combined right now, and a per diem that is more than i make in a year, which isnt much but you know its something. it makes sense to move. i dont want to leave my education in the dust as it is its been on haiatus for a while, and i've finally gotten it back on track. how does one spell hiatus? see need the friggin education(or you know, a dictionary) and i dont want to leave my kids. just thinking about it made me super sad. i am very attached to my family and dont know how i would deal with not being able to just drive over to see my mother when i get pissed at him or drop in on my brother between classes or make a day out of seeing my nana and laughing till were peeing our pants. i also hate the heat. he wont go without me, which is fine, i am his wife, but i really dont want to go. and i thought he was over working with industrial once he was done with GZ. and then theres the fear that i'm gonna get a call saying that he electrocuted himself or found someother way to kill himself, and i cant deal with that kind of fear. so i think no is the best answer i have thought up many more reasons not to go than i can think of to go. really the only reason to go is for the money and i really dont care about money. (although i could buy LOTS more shoes) but this whole stressing out over it thing is not so good, i am finally starting to lose weight and the baking is not helping i am going to wind up big as a house and not able to fit in the damned shoes.

thats issue #1

issue #2
should i take summer classes? jury's out on that one, i want to but i want to decide on a major first, i think i either want studio art, or english. those two would make me the most happy but would also be the least practical in the real world, ok so maybe not english, but what i would like to do with it is. i dont know. i think i will take that non-fiction writers class, or a poetry class and maybe a painting or drawing class... only those two i dont think i want a full course load this summer. and those would both work toward my intended majors. (i think i should just give up and major in university studies... i dont think i'm ever gonna get my degree) if we went i could paint and write all day and possibly work up the courage to sell myself, not in a whore sort of way, but my work. but i think i would be more comfortable selling myself in a whore sort of way, less personal.

issue #3
planning a wedding.
ok so i'm backwards i'm married and now i'm planning a wedding which is not really my idea but more of my mothers but definitely a necessity if i ever want people to forgive me (ok so i'm doing it for my mother i could give a rats ass if they ever forgive me for doing it my way instead of thiers, if i had gotten married to make them happy or for presents i would have had a wedding the first time) so i need to get a wedding ready in like six months. (looking at calendar) ok seven months. the good news is i get a dress, the bad news is i have to plan everything and do it all over again. and preachers tend to get upset if you crack jokes during your vows, the cheezy little minister got upset and and that was just a little vegas ceremony, 500 people and the church, oy! can i get someone to stand in for me? is that an option? do i have to wear white, i dont do well in white. can i get the pretty silver and blue dress that i designed? or do i have to follow thier rules completely. my nana got married in a yellow dress, cant i get the one i want. do i get a new ring? j/k i actually love my wedding band though everyone else thinks i'm insane, its pretty and its plain just like me, i dont like diamonds and i dont want a bunch of shit inlayed. if i'm living in arizona do i still need to have one or will they forgive me anyway cause i'm gone?

issue#? what number was i on?

friends. i need to be less shy. rikki and i are pretty close and thats rare for me i usually dont allow myself to get close to co-workers but i have become close to her and justine and moved them from aquantiance to friend catagory. lindsey on the otherhand seems to be working backwards. its strange when she first started hanging out with me again it was like it was, now its like she thinks i'm some bug there for her amusement. she doesn't call me unless she needs something, and when we do hang out she's on her phone the whole time or more concerned with her blog. i took her coffee on sunday (monday?) so i could talk to her and work somethings out that were going on in my head and she had this yeah whatever i'm to busy obsessing over dante sort of thing. so. yeah. it hurts. but whatever, if she wants a friend she will be a friend right? i just think it hurt less when she pretended like i didn't exist than me going over and her ignoring me.
rikki invited me to a slumber party. i was confused at first i thought it was a sleep over then i realized that what she meant was a "slumber party" which is like a tupperware party for adult toys. i think i'm gonna go. it should be fun and maybe i'll make more friends. i really need to make more friends i feel like a recluse and i think that moving would just make it that much worse.

next order of business
everyone at the ymca is either pregnant or having ovarian cysts, i dont want either, its not really an issue considering everything down there is working normally and is doing just fine, but its a little scary, justine and i are the only ones that haven't been effected. in the same arena my dad told me that i was going to have an illigitimate child. i dont know where he's getting this idea, but thats what he told me on sunday. and quite frankly its freaking me out a little.

issue#5 (6, 9, whatever)

i am utterly exhausted lately i dont know if its from the stress or what but i keep just crashing out during the day at the worst possible times, and not being able to sleep at night. the insomnia at night is perfectly normal for me but these whole narcoleptic tendencies are freaking me out, its so not like me.

happy news #2
my sister might be moving back. i'll be happy to have her in town but it'll be strange for many many reasons. she's the one who's trying to have an illigitimate child.

i think thats that. i feel better already. if i forgot anything... good. that was the point