my life is a country song.

I fell and twisted my ankle, my account's overdrawn, and I got in a wreck,
My dog is sick, my car charger won't work, and I think I'm getting a chest cold. Yee haw!

So I'm happy the woman let me go cause part of the reason I was freaking out so much is because my insurance lapsed because when they last went to withdraw it my account was overdrawn and I'm driving illegally. But the lady I hit (yes ladies and gentlemen this smart smart person rear ended said good samaritan, while not even on the phone, applying make up or speeding. I was stopped at a red light on montano and Coors, not even one block from work. Well, apparently not stopped.) any way she came out I asked if she was ok and apologized, she looked at her car, looked at mine, said do you have insurance, I said I'm not sure, she asked for my name and number have me hers, and we took off. (maybe cause I was crying and shaking like a leaf?) everything else is pretty self explanitory.

" I like your Christ...

"...But I do not like your Christians, they are so unlike your Christ." -random bumper sticker wisdom

Sadly wisdom that I have had the misfortune of funding to be true. Myself included.

my poor doped up Lover.

Lover got in a fight last week and he had to be taken to the er. He's got one ear stitched up, a drainage tube in his neck, a few other stitches and a great big bandage over one eye. He's been doped up on painkillers the last two days looking at me with his sad brown eyes. It makes me just want to throw my arms around his neck and hold him. I probably would if it wasn't for the tube.

i have a bite and its really quite itchy.

I'm not sure from where or whence it came but it is quite sad.

So I've decided that I have boiled my life down to trivialities. Not intentionally, but rather to avoid the glaring realities, but you know what at this point in my life with my frame of mind being what it is, that's ok.

At this point in my life I need to worry about my fingernails being perfectly polished, and my phone being charged and whether or not my watch is too masculine (again, the hearts do not allow that) because I have spent too much of my life worrying about bills and propriety and the wellfare of others and all the other weighty issues that plague adults. And I have decided that my lessened responsibility these past few weeks are what I need. I am putting forth my resignation to adulthood. At least for now. I am content, an I haven't been able to say that in a long while, there are things that still need mending but they will have to do it on their own. Or wait till I am ready to be bothered because for now I am having too much fun just sitting back and enjoying life as it is, thanking god that I am still on this earth to take these breaths sigh these sighs and think these thoughts, I am really not appreciative enough to him, I have been mad at him and felt slighted lately,I have felt cheated that someone I could love more than any other could not be mine when I wanted most. And I have felt more than my share of anger, because I felt that any god that would offer the gift of bringing life into this world to someone only to snatch it away is no man at all, then of course I remembered, he is no man at all. He has a plan for me and I'm not sure what it is but I am almost willing to accept it. Not completely mind you, I still feel slighted I still feel angry, but I have found something I have not had in a long time... Faith. Faith that everything will work out as it should. Only now, In releasing my death gripp on this world have I been able to find that every day is a gift. And I am lucky just to live and have the ability to laugh tbough it all and be surrounded by love.

Ok I can go back to being trivial now. Its much more comfortable than thinking and feeling.

Hugh Grant is dreamy

I need Nora Jones' CD, her soothing sultry voice is good for the soul.

I'm thoroughly enjoying my day off, oops there goes my phone ringing again

mmmm

Sweet juicy watermelon and tingly aquafina lip gloss strange combo, but its hot me in a happy mood.

So the consumer in me loves costco. The environmentalist in me thinks they are evil and need be destroyed but I got a $100 watch for $24 without having to worry about some shady flea market deal. (not that I would ever deny those shady people a chance to sell me stuff real cheap simply because it fell off a truck. Hell they are doing the world a public service by picking it up off of said fallen truck right?) its cute and durable but kind of heavy. I think there is a problem with my wrist. No matter what kind of watch I get it leans all the way to the top of my wrist and rests there. Never in the center like everyone else. Oh well so the stuff I wear is quirky like the rest of me. Cause my rings turn out away from my body and I have a distinct feeling that my bracelet would top if it weren't shaped for my wrist exactly.

Ne who, enough of that random thought of the day... Why did someone decide to make a hole in a bundt cake? And who decided that soda would make a good ingredient. I think I should go cook dinner I'm hungry. And now I can't get my mind off of soda flavored bundt cake.

mmmm

three fifty fucking one

3.51 a gallon, are they shitting me?

Don't these people think I have better things to do than spend forty bucks and some change on a tank of gas?

Damn bastards.

three fifty fucking one

hello Clarice

Ok so I'm not nearly as intimidating as Anthony Hopkins, but its still fun to say. So here I wait for my unhealthy lunch of wingbsaket and lemonade and I am pondring men.

I don't get them what gives men the urge to attack bigger things, and after they get beat down they still say bring it, but then they say they have a weapon. Ok maybe not real men. Real men wouldn't really need to fight for no reason.ha! I dunno babbling. I think I need coffee and more than four and a half hours of sleep. I got used to sleep its kinda nice.

So I am going through a change of position and while I think its gonna take me longer to deal with everything else aka paying things rent etc. I am a much happier person. Almost pleasant even. Its amazing. Although Jason was still calling me madam grumpy pants, but he thinks he's part pirate and answers the phone by saying yarg! When he knos its me calling.

Ha ha thought I posted this yesterday, turns out I just saved a draft. That's ok it didn't really say much anyway.

being blonde is overrated.

So is being a redhead.

So I'm going back to bring a dark brunette. I miss it it made me feel sultry. So in ten minutes I will be a brunette again, assuming this color will come out like it is supposed to unlike the others.

being blonde is overrated.

So is being a redhead.

Max Erhmann

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible without surrender
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,even the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons,
they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain and bitter;
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs;
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals;
and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself.
Especially, do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love;
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe,
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be,
and whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life keep peace with your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann, Desiderata, Copyright 1952.

Paul showed me this, i think this is when i started getting along with him, there may be more to the man than the jackass boss.

crispy on the outside, ooey gooey goodness inside

Why is baking theraputic? And why am I worrying so much about him? Grrr! Its not my fault and there is nothing I can do.

So why do I feel like a royal turd?

ha ha thanks Mr walker.

So I just received a letter from my 18 year old self. Included was a list of 50 things I have to do before I die. I would probably change the list now but ill post what I wrote then.

1. Finish this list.
2. Own a bugatti and a ducatti, or a porche and a corvette.
3. Be happy.
4. Get married and never divorce.
5. Go to Europe.
6. Make a college fund for my child.
7. Visit a third world country and make a difference.
8. Save a spiecies.
9. Visit a rainforest.
10. Visit the world, all continents.
11. Visit Egypt.
12. Paint my self portrait.
13. Build a dream home.
14. Become a Dr., a well loved Dr.
15. Learn to fly.
16. Skydiving.
17. Create a business, resturant maybe?
18. Play in a sand dune.
19. Save a life.
20. Scuba dive.
21. Kiss on top of the eiffel tower.
22. Swim in all 7 seas.
23. Keep a piece of a glacier.
24. Create a darkroom.
25. Use my 15 minutes of fame.
26. Publish a photo in rolling stone.
27. Get rid of paper in schools.
28. Learn how to ski.
29. Own a. Flesh colored sharpie.
30. Be organized for one month.
31. Own all Disney cartoons on DVD.
32. Draw really great super heroes.
33. Win something big.
34. Read the bible.
35. Read the complete works of William Shakespeare.
36. Write a book, possibly publish it.
37. Always stay true to my friends.
38. Always stay true to myself.
39. Make one person happy daily for the rest of my life.
40. Make a million dollars.
41. Start a charity.
42. Never hate people.
43. Own 1000 sharpies @ once.
44. Ride the worlds longest roller coaster.
45. Swim w/ sharks.
46. Floss every day.
47. Do something before its due.
48. Have something named after me.
49. Read gone with the wind.
50. Be in a band.

I think I've found a new red. Thanks Susie. I'm going to bed all, too much wine and I have to wake up and do CPR in the morning.

dear god,

Forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who have trespassed against us
Give us this day our daily bread
Gloria Espiritu Santo
What language do you speak
If you speak at all?
Are you some kind of freak
Who lives to raise the ones who fall?
Hey, would you tell me why
The cat fights the dog?
Do you go to the Mosque
Or the Synagogue?
And if our fates have all been wrapped around your finger
And if you wrote the script then why the troublemakers?
How do you do?
How does it feel to be so high
And are you happy?
Do you ever cry?
... I sometimes cry ...
You've made mistakes
Well that's OK 'cause we all have
But if I forgive yours
Will you forgive mine?
Hey, do you feel our pain
And walk in our shoes?
Have you ever felt starved
Or is your belly always full?
How many people die
And hurt in your name?
Hey, does that make you proud
Or does it bring you shame?
And if our fates have all been wrapped around your finger
And if you wrote the script then why the troublemakers?
Thine is the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory
Amen!

its muggy out,

All I want to do lately is sleep. I don't feel like writing drawing painting, or even paying attention to what's on TV. I do things because I worry about myself. I make myself go out. I haven't even felt like buying shoes lately. I can't keep going on like this. Hopefully the change or atleast the hope of change, prospect of it? Will make me snap out a little, cause it seems to be getting worse not better.