just shoot me.

you've been my golden best friend
now with post-demise at hand
can't go to you for consolation
cause we're off limits during this transition
this grief overwhelms me
it burns in my stomach
and I can't stop bumping into things

I thought we'd be simple together
I thought we'd be happy together
thought we'd be limitless together
I thought we'd be precious together
but I was sadly mistaken

you've been my soulmate and mentor
I remembered you the moment I met you
with you I knew god's face was handsome
with you I suffered an expansion
this loss is numbing me
it pierces my chest
and I can't stop dropping everything

I thought we'd be sexy together
thought we'd be evolving together
I thought we'd have children together
I thought we'd be family together
but I was sadly mistaken

if I had a bill for all the philosophies I shared
if I had a penny for all the possibilities I presented
if I had a dime for every hand thrown up in the air
my wealth would render this no less severe

I thought we'd be genius together
I thought we'd be healing together
I thought we'd be growing together
thought we'd be adventurous together
but I was sadly mistaken

thought we'd be exploring together
thought we'd be inspired together
I thought we'd be flying together
thought we'd be on fire together
but I was sadly mistaken

Exactly a month ago i lost all hope of having my child. i like deluding myself into thinking it was just one, its hard enough to cope with losing just one. exactly a month ago he helped me through it. who's here to help me through this.

they're gonna have to do a D&C. im scared. i probably wont even tell anyone im going, ive said it was a possibility but now its a certainty. they dont need to know they worry to much anyway. they dont need to know anything thats going on in my life. i'll just put on the happy face and all will be dandy. i'll just say yeah, i have a doctors appointment and i'll be out for the rest of the day. oh, why am i in such a bad mood, oh you know the usual, my heart is broken, im feeling defective, im afraid i'll never be able to bear children and today will have been in vain. i'll never have a family and i pushed away the one man i know would love me for the rest of his life... haha you know that old bag.

ok so maybe i need to work on my smart ass comments.

That i would be good even if i did nothing
That i would be good even if i got the thumbs down
That i would be good if i got and stayed sick
That i would be good even if i gained ten pounds

That i would be fine even even if i went bankrupt
That i would be good if i lost my hair and my youth
That i would be great if i was no longer queen
That i would be grand if i was not all knowing

That i would be loved even when i numb myself
That i would be good even when i am overwhelmed
That i would be loved even when i was fuming
That i would be good even if i was clingy

That i would be good even if i lost sanity
That i would be good
Whether with or without you

weathermen suck

Its supposed to be mostly cloudy right now... if you check out yahoo weather, right now its 40-some degrees and mostly cloudy. if you go outside theres not a cloud for miles, and its already high fiftys low sixties... ok whatever.

so a lot has happened this weekend... well not really alot but one major thing that got me started thinking... i wont go into detail because of privacy issues, those that need to know what happened already do and the rest of you, well the rest of you can suck my foot... or at least you could if i didnt have so many foot issues.... eww! any who.

so im sitting here re-evaluating my life. loss does that, or fear of loss, i should say. and as im sitting here i realize i dont really have a direction. im going somewhere. ive actually started getting there fast, but where is it that im headed. its not somewhere i've chosen... its somehwere i've happened upon.

so what am i doing where am i headed what about love.

i try to look ten years down the line and it is bleak. im still at the y still putting in tons of hours and getting nowhere. i have a child, about four years old, and im feeling trapped and worried about raising it on my own. or i can be childless... not a path i want for myself.

so... i dont know.. i dont know whats going through my head. i think i need time off to sit and think and think everything through.. i need time to mourn. i need time to myself. maybe a weekend will work, shut off my phone head out of town. i need to take care of myself and face the deamons i've been running from. but im afraid. im afraid i cant stand on my own two feet for the time it will take to get through everything.

i dont know
im babbling

im sleepy and i dont wanna go to work in the morning.

Ah 645 my favorite time of day, oh wait, no, no its not that's right. Ha.

Keep holding on
When my brain's tickin' like a bomb
Guess the black bots have come
Again to get me
Sweet bitter words
Unlike nothing I have heard
Sing along mocking bird
You don't affect me
That's right
Deliverance of my heart
Wait
I'm coming undone
Unlaced
I'm coming undone
Too late
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong's
So delicate
Wait
I'm starting to suffocate
And soon I anticipate
I'm coming undone
What looks so strong's
So delicate
Choke choke again
I find my demons are my friends
Getting me in the end
They're out to get me
Since I was young
I've tasted sorrow on my tongue
And this sweet little hum
Does not protect me
I'm trying to hold it together
Head is lighter than a feather
Looks like i'm not getting better
Not getting better

when youre older youll find that all trains are impotent.

Ha ha I haven't seen this movie in forever. Dennis reminds me of my brother and Margaret reminds me of me. I need to go out more, I just done feel like it yet.

best buy and Steve Madden are evil.

I need to stop comforting myself with material things. And Steve Madden needs to stop designing shoes I absolutely must have. But I weigh the consequences, material things, or chocolate, seeing as I haven't really been hungry lately and chocolate still upsets my stomach (now I know for sure its a head case thing) ill stick to Mia, Steve, rocket dogs, tribecca, and my completely eccletic collection of CDs to help me get through this. Lord help me I'm going to be broke for all eternity. But I got some cool CD's she wants revenge, tori Amos, fiona appel, and fall out boy oh yeah and tatu and somethin else. Hmmm ok so maybe I didn't need them all but all the shoes stayed in the store don't I get brownie points for that?


Ok so its way to late for me to still be up seeing as I am forcing myself to go to work tomorrow. And I need to get some labwork done befor I head to the office. Goody!

Night people I love yall, except Melissa, whom I still love but don't particularly like right now. Ill probably call her tomorrow, I can't be mad at my sister forever. Ok so I could but I refuse.

One thing im sure of is
that we will always be
even though the road seems to get a little rough
it's for you i live
i can do anything
and it will never be too much
in my darkest hour you
are there to light the way
and when i'm down you always lift me up again
you know me better than i know myself
you comfort me and let me know
with you i'm gonna win

Walk with me hand in hand
we help each other understand how to go through
there will never be a day
that we'll grow apart
so we'll forever be together hand in hand
somethimes i'm wrong and even in that case
you didn't go away you stayed rihgt next to me
as time goes on i realize
that you're for me
and i will love you for eternity


Why is there nothing ever on TV past 10? The karate kid is supposed to be on but its some mob movie, I don't remener the karate kid ever being in the mob. I could be wrong. Oof even that one have way to infomercials. Mr t is on the christsb channel talking about how he used to wear 40 lbs of gold. I think its time to try to go to sleep again.

Good night moon, good night sky, goodnight apple of my eye.

squack squack!

I think I've finally stopped bleeding. One can only hope.

squack squack!

John Mayer makes really funny faces when he sings.

AKA, life goes on.

So the sun came up this morning and I was almost surprised.

I don't think I can ever look at him again and hell never know why.

Artist:John Mayer Album:continuum Title:Gravity


Gravity, is working against me
And Gravity, wants to bring me down
Oh, Ive never known what makes this man
With all the love that this heart can stand
Dream of ways to throw it all away

Gravity is working against me
And Gravity, it wants to bring me down
Oh, twice as much aint twice as good
And cant sustain like one half could
Its wanting more that's gonna set me to my knees

Gravity, stay the hell away from me
And Gravity, has taken better man than me
Now how can that be
Just keep me where the light is


The Heart of Life

I hate to see you cry
Lying there in that position
There's things you need to hear
So turn off your tears
And listen

Pain throws your heart to the ground
Love turns the whole thing around
No it won't all go the way it should
But I know the heart of life is good

You know, it's nothing new
Bad news never had good timing
But, then your circle of friends Will defend the silver lining