I still remember

the hurt in everyones eyes around me
my mother trying to reassure me while i could see her heart breaking in her face
feeling helpless
feeling responsible
the hole i wanted to crawl into
the smell of the room
the smell of the blood
the anger in her voice as she screamed at me for texting him
the fact i didnt care
the feel of the sofa under me
the rivers of tears
the nurse's perfume
the days it took for reality
the sun coming up two days later
the temperature of the air
the construction signs by the entrance
the admittance nurse
the anger that i had to pay them twice
the feeling that it didnt really matter
the sound of my voice crying out for my mother
the desire to punch the smug little doctor in the face
the inability to move on my own
the blanks i drew when asked coherent questions
the nurse telling me i could not go to the bathroom
the pressure of the machine
the feeling of warmth spreading
the bathroom i still cant go in
the scrubs the nurses wore
the color of the doctors shirt
the blonde of the nice ones hair
the release papers
the feelings of my heart breaking
i dont remember the pain